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Finding it hard to let go, even though i ended it..


Izac1789
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Hi,

I have posted previously about a break up and getting back together etc and am struggling to let it all go and move on with my life.

I ended a year long relationship back in May and was struggling to accept it and move on. And we were on/off for a while as per my previous post, but even when we were spending time together again i would have a feeling that it just wasn't right or if i was truly ready for being settled and not have complete freedom. Freedom to travel on my own and explore the world on my terms. 

Anyway, i was struggling with moving on and posted around a month ago about it and whether i should get back in to something with her or not. As i still had doubts i decided it was best to cut contact completely which i have done. Even after a month of no contact i am finding it hard to accept it still and to move on. I keep thinking of the possibilities and the things we could be doing together if we were together. 

Is it normal to still be feelings these things so far on? 

I find myself at a cross roads, where i have no work over the winter period and usually would go away and travel which is what i love to do. Experience different cultures across the world. I have sorted a VISA for Indonesia until March, but i feel if i do go away then that will be it for my and my Ex. I know i shouldnt be considering that because we are not even together, but finding it hard to let go of it and just book to go away without her and that be it

Should i just book and go?

Thanks in advance..

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You got what you wished for and I think it wasn’t the reason. You told yourself it was the lack of “freedom” but I think you just aren’t that into her and you blame it on specific things like travel. I respect people who want of travel on a moment’s notice without being held back by responsibilities to a partner or family - if those responsibilities are s choice - you can choose not to date seriously someone who can’t travel freely and choose to prioritize travel. 
but I bet your idea of her is better than  the reality and you’re not that into her and you’re not yet the right person to find the right person. That’s why I think you feel so conflicted.  I’d stay away from being in contact and love your life whether it means travel or a travel to the fridge to contemplate the adventures within while you binge watch a show. Both are valid choices !

I’m sorry you feel unsettled about this. 

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1 hour ago, Izac1789 said:

I have sorted a VISA for Indonesia until March, but i feel if i do go away then that will be it for my and my Ex.

Go follow your dreams. If it were meant to be she'll be there when you get back. You'll come back refreshed.

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GO!

I think what you are going through is quite normal.  Especially considering you genuinely cared and had feelings for this person.  Romantic or not, it's hard to let go of people we had something real with.  But that doesn't mean letting go is wrong.  

I think two things need to happen-- one, you need to have more patience with yourself.  When you think these things about her or any doubts, speak kindly to yourself.  That for now, let it be.

Two, you need to go find your new life.  And a long trip is perfect for that.  

Try to remember that things are never as final or as permanent as we think.  Life itself is temporary.  It changes all the time.  Whether it is good times or bad times, know they will change.  In that same thought, as long as two people are both still alive-- ANYTHING can happen.  It could be you move on and find the love of your life.  Or it could mean years down the road, you run into each other and the situation has completely changed.

As it is with all on and off relationships, there is something there.  That's how things keep circling back, but it's not healthy.  It's the same push and pull.  In order for us as people to truly change, it takes a real amount of time.

I have a very dear friend.  I know we both do anything for the other.  There is no doubt.  We have known each other over 15 years.  The first three, we dated on and off and made each other crazy.  We finally got away from each other.  Not really talking for the next 5 or so years.  One day we ran into each other and said hello.   Then a few weeks later we were at a party for a mutual friend.  We chatted and realized we lived around the corner from each other.  And so our friendship started again.... We do not like each other "that way" we changed.  The situation changed.  We both grew.  And now we both see the value in each other, as friends.  

It's not sad at all.  It's actually a friendship I am quite proud of.  Would me of 15 years ago think its bad to "be friends" because I was in love with him?  Of course!  But we changed.  It just took a lot of time.  

Go on your trip.  Love yourself.  Everything will work out as it should..... 

Edited by Lambert
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I suggest you respectfully leave her be to accept & heal.  Not keep dragging anything on with this.

You should follow your dreams. Travel as you so enjoy with no regrets!

I'm sure you cared for her, that's fine, but you two just are not that compatible, you think?  Then let it be done now.

She will accept & move on, as will you. It all just takes a little time, it's the norm.

The more you hang on & drag all of this along, the harder things are to deal with.

In time, maybe you two can be 'friends', but don't expect it.  As it is hard to be 'just friends' with an ex, unless or until you know you are over them.  Even still, some prefer to just wipe the slate clean and keep moving ahead.

I have a couple brothers who love travelling as well.  They settled, eventually & yes, travel became less frequent. But, they also travelled on their own.  

 

So, work on yourself now & work on accepting what is.

Live your life as you wish.

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My ex broke up with me and then kept inviting me to spend the night with him. When I asked him what was going on he insisted we were still broken up.  But he wanted to basically have me available to him without commitment. Let me tell you, it really messed me up. It kept me hanging on for another two years when I could have been moving on and getting over him. 

Don't do anything like that to your ex. Let her go.

Go on your exciting travels. I bet you come back with a better perspective.

 

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Only one month after the last contact is not a long time. For me, when no contact started, 4 months was usually the time when I stopped thinking of an ex on a daily basis.

Not only is taking a trip pleasurable, but people generally get a great deal of pleasure by planning a trip. It's a great way to keep from wallowing in thoughts of an ex. You can use the present time to learn a new language if you don't speak the language of a place you're visiting. Google fun things you can do there and make a loose itinerary. Buy some new walking shoes/hiking boots/clothing specifically for the trip.

Good luck!

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14 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Sounds like you're reimposing superstition on taking the trip.

What do you believe is accurate about a reconciliation proving more compatible in December versus March?

If you want to attempt to reconcile then do that. If you don't, then whether or not you take a trip is irrelevant.

 

As she knows I enjoy travel, and it was something I used to talk about, she said to that if I go then that would be it for us forever on her part. 
 

It’s been 6 months since we broke up, and the couple of times we did try to reconcile I would still have a bad gut feeling or have the feeling something was missing. I still can’t confidently say I want a relationship with her again now, 

 

I accept Im not completely over her do thats perhaps why I was hesitant to book, but I have now booked my trip away, we were not going to get back together so this is what I want to do right now and if she feels that’s it forever because of that then I can’t control that 

Looking forward to getting away and enjoying the new experiences 

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