Overbearing parents

[MsAin1st]

After my fiancé passed my parents thought it would be a good idea to move in with them. It WAS a really good idea. I was struggling mentally and was in a very dark spot so being back with my parents and one of my siblings was absolutely the best choice. It also was meant to help me straighten up my finances. 

I am still living there. Things have been getting better for me. I am doing better financially as well as mentally. I’m work full time and in grad school and have a guy I’m seeing regularly. 

My problem is that my parents have started being completely overbearing. They are treating me like I’m 16 again— telling me I’m not allowed to spend the night at his house (that hasn’t even come up yet), always wanting to know what time I’ll be home, wanting me to call/text when I get places, questioning where I’m going/who I’m with, etc etc etc. They're constantly nagging me to stay on top of my school work (which I’ve not let slack AT ALL).  I seriously had looser reigns on me when I was a senior in high school. 🤦🏻‍♀️

How do I tell them I’m an adult, I’m handling my job and my school work and I’m fine to go out with my friends and and have a relationship if I want one? I help with household chores and cooking. I’ve also offered to pay rent but they’ve refused that  because they want me to get my finances back on track and save up as much money as I can.

 I know the obvious answer is to move out… that is my ultimate plan but won’t be happening until summertime next year.   How can I respectfully tell them to back off? I’ve tried but it always turns into a fight of some kind and I’m tired of it. Feeling really beat down after a crummy weekend. 

[Lambert]

I think it comes down to not just saying it with respect but also with love and kindness.

Are you able to talk to them or what? 

I would pick a time when you are relaxed and enjoying each other's company.  Then start by saying how much they mean to you, how thankful you are to be there.... then comfort them that you are doing really well because of them....

but then be honest it's a little much at times and what can you do to help them feel more comfortable with your independence. 

Try not to be too much with examples.. that can seem aggressive or make them defensive.... focus on your need for a little independence and space in vague terms.... see what they say.

When I still lived at home, my mom always wanted to wait up for me.  She was not easy to talk to. so I wrote her a letter and told her how much I loved her and I never want to hurt her feelings but she's getting mad that I'm out and I want to be out with my friends.  She doesn't have to wait up. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen whether she waits up or not.  So why make herself crazy? I'm her daughter, she raised me to be strong and make good choices. She can trust that I will. 

It worked. She read the letter, had time to think of her response and the waiting up stopped. 

In a lot of ways it changed us from parent and child to adults working things out together. 

I think the main thing is to keep it calm and loving.... 

[melancholy123]

Good luck having a rational talk with them.

I think you need to move out asap, before next summer.  Get a roommate if you cant afford a place on your own.

Your folks mean well but this is not working.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, MsAin1st said:

My problem is that my parents have started being completely overbearing. They are treating me like I’m 16 again— telling me I’m not allowed to spend the night at his house ), always wanting to know what time I’ll be home, wanting me to call/text when I get places, questioning where I’m going/who I’m with, etc etc etc.

Ok, if you are back on your feet, start researching affordable housing such as apartments, roommates, house shares, etc. That's the only answer. 

While at first they were helping but perhaps have become too overprotective. 

As long as you take their hospitality and generosity, you really have no leverage.

 Start working a side job, be out of the house more, etc.

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, MsAin1st said:

I seriously had looser reigns on me when I was a senior in high school. 🤦🏻‍♀️

How do I tell them I’m an adult, I’m handling my job and my school work and I’m fine to go out with my friends and and have a relationship if I want one?

You say this. ^

They probably kicked into 'super parents', when you had your loss then all got lost in 'reality'.

Good to hear how much you've changed & improved now.. yes, all takes time.

But.. now it's time.....

Maybe time to move out & move on?

As mentioned, search for a roomate, rent a room etc?  My oldest shared a basement apt a cpl times as he worked on his studies at a college over an hour away.

I feel, IF you are desperate enough, you'll do it.

 

[Batya33]

I think it's a difficult dynamic with the moving back in (I didn't leave till I was 28 and done with grad school and actually it was better than leaving and coming back).  So for the free rent (sounds like even the amount you're offering wouldn't be enough to get your own share arrangement with a roommate) -it's their house rules even if they're your parents, since you are an adult.  Kind of the "no such thing as a free lunch."  If it's intolerable I suppose you can look for another part time job so you can afford to move out? Or find other ways to cope.  I'm sorry.

[Seraphim]

If you are back on your feet it is time to leave , not just when it is optimal. 

[itsallgrand]

I think you lost some credibility in their eyes as someone who is fully capable of taking care of yourself. So they reverted back to seeing you as their little baby they have to protect, rather than their grown child who is on equal footing as them. 

The only way to change it is by your actions going forward. You have to make decisions that put you on equal ground. Part of that is doing things with consideration for making their lives easier as much as they do for you. One of the most important starting points for that is as an adult, not expecting anything of them nor that they change for you. 

Just focus on the moving out and the plan to never put them in this position again. 

 

[MsAin1st]

Our relationship has always been very good and whatever happens, I don’t want to ruin that. I’ve been butting heads with my dad mostly. He gets mad and then I get mad and then it is no fun. And my mom always sides with him, even if what he’s saying or asking isn’t really reasonable. Some of the stuff he’s asking if I’m out doing is stuff I’ve never done or never will do, so it doesn’t even make sense that he’d question my whereabouts. I wasn’t a perfect kid and I’m not a perfect young adult, but I am pretty responsible and mature for the most part and am not out at wild parties or doing drugs or drunk driving. The wildest I get is trivia night with friends at a local brewery. 

My siblings all agree that they’re being strict with their “rules” and they didn’t treat my brother like this when he moved back for a bit.

I really wanted to wait for the summer to move. But I will start looking for something sooner. Hopefully I can find something by the end of the year. 

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, MsAin1st said:

I really wanted to wait for the summer to move. But I will start looking for something sooner. Hopefully I can find something by the end of the year. 

Depending on where you live this can be a terrible time of year to find a place. 

If you have a good relationship already, it's worth it to talk to them. Sometimes parents make mistakes, too... They may over reach but the intention is loving... Only you know what your relationship is like. 

I always had a good relationship with my parents.  Leaving because you're mad at how they're treating you may cause more of a wedge. 

Being able to resolve conflicts with people you love is a life skill. A little honesty, vulnerability and also keeping their feelings in mind goes a long way. 

Maybe you can talk about it with your siblings there, too. It's just a conversation. You'd like to stay a little longer but you don't want to 'put them out', if they're not agreeing with your lifestyle.

I say give them a chance. 

[MsAin1st]

30 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Depending on where you live this can be a terrible time of year to find a place. 

Yeah, it’s really not been good around here for awhile. Even the crummy places are expensive, and what is affordable seems to be few and far between. I’ll look around, but I’m not hopeful to find anything. 
 

32 minutes ago, Lambert said:

If you have a good relationship already, it's worth it to talk to them. Sometimes parents make mistakes, too... They may over reach but the intention is loving... Only you know what your relationship is like. 

I could talk with my mom and then maybe have a more clear head going into talking with both of them. I just don’t understand why he’s acting as unreasonable. Someone mentioned that he might be in overprotective mode. That sounds like it could be what’s happening. 

[Rose Mosse]

You may be disrupting their household routines by coming and going whenever you please without any heads up. It would be the same living with any other family or friend or roommate. Try finding your own place soon and you'll have greater freedom and autonomy without having to think of yourself being watched or questioned. 

Living accommodations might not be ideal but find something moderately acceptable that also allows you to continue to save. 

I also thought that part of this is also about letting go and closing a chapter (grief and loss of a romance, past life). Staying at your parents might be the last thread connecting you to people also who once knew your late fiance. Let go and move on when you are ready. It sounds like you nearly are.

[Cherylyn]

Nothing in life is truly free.  What you have to pay for is tolerating your parents until you move out.  That's the cost and price in lieu of "free" room and board. 

In the meantime, just nod, be nice, say "yes" and know it's better to have peace in the household than risk an eventual heated argument.  Pick your battles. 

Life isn't fair.  It's their house, their rules.  If you want your own rules, you have to pay for it with financial independence.  It's the way it is even though you don't like it. 

Know your situation is only temporary.  Keep the peace.  Tension and fighting aren't worth it. 

[MsAin1st]

15 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You may be disrupting their household routines by coming and going whenever you please without any heads up

I do always try to give a heads up on if/when I have plans or if I something comes up and I won’t be home for dinner so they’re not waiting on me. I guess maybe because it’s weeknights I go and do things that it could be more disruptive?  Most of the time I’m home by 1130/12. M works weekend nights, so we primarily see each other during the week. 
 

 

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, MsAin1st said:

I could talk with my mom and then maybe have a more clear head going into talking with both of them. I just don’t understand why he’s acting as unreasonable. Someone mentioned that he might be in overprotective mode. That sounds like it could be what’s happening. 

Maybe if it's easier to talk to your mom and get her to talk to your dad.  

But I do think @Rose Mosse has  good insight.  You maybe disrupting their routines or causing some inconvenience for them..

Maybe ask to see if this is the case.  Like why is dad so unreasonable? What are you missing in this situation? 

[Rose Mosse]

Disruptive could be a too strong a word. Parents don't ever stop being parents. It's just the way it is. It's constantly on the look out, seeing, hearing, wondering about kids ongoings and if it's there at the forefront even more so. 

Your dad might be more protective but it's coming out in not very productive ways, calling into question your lifestyle or choices in general. I'd reassure them that you are doing all right but being a parent never stops, not when the child grows and leaves. You're always in their line of vision or on their mind. Some of this might be learning to live with that knowledge and empathize with them but also resolve to move on with your own independence and do well for yourself so they worry less. 

[MsAin1st]

So… the major concern from both parents is that they’re afraid I am going to get pregnant. My dad thinks that I am moving forward too quickly and that I’ve just grabbed the first person to pay any attention to me. While M is the first guy after F, I really don’t think I’ve rushed into a relationship. We met over the summer, started talking a lot in September and just had our first kiss on Halloween. I told them it was presumptuous to think I’ve already slept with him and that makes me feel kind of terrible they assumed that. 😞 Also, that piece of my life is not something that I really wanted to discuss with my dad, not really with my mom either… but I would if she felt it necessary. 

I reminded them that can actually lose my job for a pregnancy outside of marriage as that breaches a morality clause of my teaching contract…. and I am really not looking for that to happen. 

They agreed to “loosen their reigns” as long as I continued to be respectful of their ground rules, which I’ve never not been.

I asked them to please be honest if at anytime they feel me being there is too much. And that my plan is to be out again on my own around summertime but would move up my timeline if they felt it necessary. 

I’m not particularly sure this is going to work out the way it has been planned, but I guess I’ll roll with it and see how it goes. 

[Cherylyn]

54 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

I reminded them that can actually lose my job for a pregnancy outside of marriage as that breaches a morality clause of my teaching contract…. and I am really not looking for that to happen. 

They agreed to “loosen their reigns” as long as I continued to be respectful of their ground rules, which I’ve never not been.

I asked them to please be honest if at anytime they feel me being there is too much. And that my plan is to be out again on my own around summertime but would move up my timeline if they felt it necessary. 

I’m not particularly sure this is going to work out the way it has been planned, but I guess I’ll roll with it and see how it goes. 

I hope this new route works for you. 

Someday when you're on your own, you'll pay for your independence, freedom and peace of mind. 

In the meantime, keep the peace.  You can still have calm discussions with your parents.  Just make sure it doesn't escalate into a fight and you'll be OK. 

 

[Lambert]

I give you a lot of credit for being so strong in your own convictions.

While I see that your parents just worry for you. 

It's a little unfair for them to voice such strong opinions regarding your dating life. Never a good move, as it usually backfires.

It's really easy for them to pass judgment on how fast your moving, when they have each other.  And you're trying to start over. You are young and you should be dating if you feel ready... 

I hope things go well for you but I see now, why you probably need to move out sooner than originally thought.  

They seem rather unreasonable and obviously unaware of modern medicine and birth control 

[MsAin1st]

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

It's really easy for them to pass judgment on how fast your moving, when they have each other.  And you're trying to start over. You are young and you should be dating if you feel ready... 

I’m still doing grief counseling. They told me that I will have bad days mixed among the good, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not ready to move forward. You’re right, they have each other. My siblings all have partners. I want one too. Matty is smart and kind and caring. He has a career & a decent job and a house. He’s patient with me and willing to give me space if I need it. I don’t see why my parents can’t see that. Maybe he’s not a forever partner. I know I’m not ready for that yet or even wanting to think or talk of that. But I can and am still worthy of having a person to have fun with and like, maybe eventually love.  I feel happy again a lot. I think that’s important too! 

 

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

It's a little unfair for them to voice such strong opinions regarding your dating life. Never a good move, as it usually backfires.

I didn’t date much in high school and was away for college, so I guess they knew very little about my dating life. I don’t know? I only had a couple of fleeting boyfriends in college and then F and I got serious fairly fast. I never had discussions with them about what Frank and I did/didn’t do, so I don’t know why they’d think it appropriate to do now?
 

3 hours ago, Lambert said:

They seem rather unreasonable and obviously unaware of modern medicine and birth control

Traditional Catholic family that still believes in upholding those values. Which to a point I do too— but again, not something I want to discuss with my dad. 

 

[MsAin1st]

Just an update: 

I temporarily moved in with my brother & his wife while I search for my own place.

M came to my parents house Thursday evening after he got off work and my dad was horrible, so so horrible to him. 😔 Was sort of glad my siblings were there to witness it.

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

Just an update: 

I temporarily moved in with my brother & his wife while I search for my own place.

M came to my parents house Thursday evening after he got off work and my dad was horrible, so so horrible to him. 😔 Was sort of glad my siblings were there to witness it.

Why does your father dislike him? Have you told your dad he mistreats you or is trying to coerce you into having sex? Or is your dad being completely unreasonable for no reason at all?

[MsAin1st]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why does your father dislike him? Have you told your dad he mistreats you or is trying to coerce you into having sex? Or is your dad being completely unreasonable for no reason at all?

I have no idea why he’s being like this. It’s so uncharacteristic of my dad, really. M treats me very well & is a gentleman. He is a nurse & my dad was making stereotypical jokes about that. M asked him to please stop after awhile and my dad got super snappy to him. He said “I think it is best is WE leave” and that made my dad get angry that he was taking me from a family function. I told my dad I wasn’t intending to stay there with him acting like that and then he turned it around and tried to pin the aggressive behavior on M. 
I really don’t know what is going on with my dad. I think he needs mental help. Clearly anger management. Maybe it’s some kind of almost retired-life crisis? 

 

[MsAin1st]

Just an update… because I’m thinking writing about it will help.

parents called a family meeting on Sunday. They gave us the news that dad has been diagnosed with early onset dementia. After everyone had left they asked me to hang back. Dad apologized for his “outrageous” behaviors, saying it was due to his new diagnosis and side effects from medicines.

☹️☹️☹️

[DancingFool]

2 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

Just an update… because I’m thinking writing about it will help.

parents called a family meeting on Sunday. They gave us the news that dad has been diagnosed with early onset dementia. After everyone had left they asked me to hang back. Dad apologized for his “outrageous” behaviors, saying it was due to his new diagnosis and side effects from medicines.

☹️☹️☹️

I'm so sorry. That's a very difficult situation for all of you.

My late aunt was ultimately diagnosed with that and the first signs that something is off was similar - she became very angry, combative and just overall difficult, which is polar opposite from her normal personality. She was always a very fun, easy going kind of a person and the illness really changed her quite drastically. 

Big hugs to you and hang in there.