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Things moving too slowly


somechick99
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Matched with a guy on Bumble, we met up shortly after and there was a definite vibe. This was 6 weeks ago and ever since this incident we have hung out only two more times. Once was less than a week after date one and the other time wasn't until this past weekend. We do live an hour away from each other and have taken turns driving or met halfway, but I actually don't get the vibe this is what's stopping us from hanging out more. He and I are both the type to take regular road trips and have both expressed that the drive is beautiful and not a big deal for us. I should note we haven't done anything past making out at this point and I don't plan to unless his interest is more clear.

I'm not actually looking for a monogamous or serious relationship but I also need to feel like the other person in into me and I guess I'm feeling sort of breadcrumbed or like he's purposely spacing things out so I don't think he's serious, and that is a major turn off. I'm posting this because I don't know the best way to communicate this to him or if it's even worth continuing at all at this point.

We text maybe once or twice per week. To be fair, due to how slowly/weirdly things are going I haven't been acting all warm and flirty as much lately so he may be questioning my interest as well. He initiated our most recent texts and our last hang out. I've had a pattern where I think guys aren't interested so I withdraw, then later it's revealed he thought I wasn't all that interested and that's why he was playing it so cool. So I can't really tell if he's truly bread crumbing me or if I'm coming off cold and now he's hesitant to pursue. 

To top it off I ran into his Hinge profile that said "Active Today" the day after we last hung out. I sent him a heart so he knows I saw him and that I'm still active, after which he sent me a text about how he had fun the other night but hasn't matched me back.

Once again, I don't want a monogamous relationship but also don't feel like we're really progressing and I want to communicate with him as to not waste any further time. I am also talking to another guy and I assume he is talking to other girls, but I do enjoy my time with him and would be bummed to toss him if unnecessary. 

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35 minutes ago, somechick99 said:

I'm not actually looking for a monogamous or serious relationship but I also need to feel like the other person in into me and  like he's purposely spacing things out so I don't think he's serious, and that is a major turn off.

You are both not looking for serious and still talking to and meeting others, plus the distance is a bit of a hassle. Yes he's spacing and pacing for those reasons

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I dont really think he is that disinterested since he initiates stuff. However, I do think he is not serious about you. Otherwise he would give you more attention. And no, I dont think its because he is "playing it cool". Its because something I call "too many fish in the sea" syndrome. People on dating apps have too much of a choice. In theory that should be a good thing but in reality its not. So many choices means there is always somebody more beautiful, more interesting, more willing to progress etc. So, when it comes to actually giving something a chance, it makes it harder to commit. Why should you commit when there is always something better. Goes for both men and women. I mean look at you: instead of contacting him, call him, see what he says and if he wants to progress further, you would rather space out. And still talk to other men even though you clearly like that guy. Not saying its a bad thing, as I said, he is not serious either. Just that you both fall under what I wrote. 

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10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont really think he is that disinterested since he initiates stuff. However, I do think he is not serious about you. Otherwise he would give you more attention. And no, I dont think its because he is "playing it cool". Its because something I call "too many fish in the sea" syndrome. People on dating apps have too much of a choice. In theory that should be a good thing but in reality its not. So many choices means there is always somebody more beautiful, more interesting, more willing to progress etc. So, when it comes to actually giving something a chance, it makes it harder to commit. Why should you commit when there is always something better. Goes for both men and women. I mean look at you: instead of contacting him, call him, see what he says and if he wants to progress further, you would rather space out. And still talk to other men even though you clearly like that guy. Not saying its a bad thing, as I said, he is not serious either. Just that you both fall under what I wrote. 

Thanks for the reply, I agree with what you're saying. The question now is what to do going forward. Seeing someone every 2-3 weeks with the occasional text for months on end is a waste of time IMO and will never put me in a position where I'm comfortable enough to sleep with him. 

I think I phrased my original post not too well - while I'm enjoying dating around as I'm sure he is too, I still want an intimate and close relationship with the people I'm seeing. So I do want something "serious" in that manner. 

Edited by somechick99
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Focus on the others you're talking to and meeting. Since you're not interested in anything too serious, just switch and enjoy your time with other people. You're worried about him but there's no need to be. If he is available when you are, that's fine. If not, be with the other person you're interested in. 

Ignore the Hinge issue and him not responding and don't initiate any other contact. You've expressed your interest in him so let him do the same adequately... at least to pique your interest!  

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When a guy is really into you, he makes this crystal clear. He knows you're likely speaking to other guys. If he was totally into you, he'd be thinking: I need to stand out from the crowd. I can't let this great catch get away. I can't wait to talk to her today. I hope she's available Friday because I really want to see her. Obviously, this isn't him. I wouldn't waste anymore time with him. If it were me, if he just texted again and didn't making plans to see me soon, I'd explain how I'm really looking for someone to get together with a few times a week, and so obviously there's a lack of compatibility.

Really think about your plans of being "casual" and not serious. What exactly does this look like? It's common for people to multi-date until seeing who stands out from all the rest, but do you want to be kissing and/or be intimate with more than one guy? It's a lot of juggling, and you might lose out on one great guy if he assumes you're not doing that with anyone else and then finds out your are.

Of course you can't be serious with someone you've just met, but if things go well over several months, you can think of it as seeing where things will lead without outside interference of multi-dating. Just giving you examples as I don't know if you've really thought about what casual means. To me, casual means short term relationships that end when it gets to the point you don't want to put in the daily effort a serious relationship requires, like regular texting and a regular pattern of getting together, etc.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Edited by Andrina
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16 hours ago, somechick99 said:

Once again, I don't want a monogamous relationship but also don't feel like we're really progressing and I want to communicate with him as to not waste any further time.

I think you're being confusing to yourself because you as they say "protest too much" because your expectations are more in line with someone trying to build a serious relationship. And he doesn't need to communicate this to you given that he apparently knows you are only looking to date casually.  He's also dating you casually. He's into you to the extent that you're one in the rotation or one while he continues to pursue either more casual dating or meeting the one.

  I think he's dating others, likely locally, and makes time for you when it's convenient for him.  If you truly don't want a serious monogamous relationship then date others too so you're not as focused on how often you see him. Because he's not focused on how often he sees you.  Because it's casual.

Edited by Batya33
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In general seems like you want your cake and eat it, too. In order to get that you have to be with someone that is super into you and willing to give you that. 

He's got you as an option. 

I'd move on to guys more into you. 

 

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I think you need to figure out what you actually want because you can't have it both ways where you want it to be casual but also you want the guy to invest the kind of time and effort into you that leads to a serious monogamous relationship. Nobody in their right mind will play that kind of a game and the kind of a guy who might, you'll end up wishing you'd never met him. When you play games, you'll attract those who will play you.

What this guy doing is exactly that - casual, whenever it's convenient and yeah, he is totally talking to and dating others as well as you should be too. This is what casual looks like and it seems that you don't actually like that.

I don't know what you can say to him because he hasn't even responded to you and seems to be fading out or is simply busy with other options. After barely three dates you can't really call him up and demand more without looking unhinged no matter how you try to word your need for more. You don't have enough going with him to be asking for anything.

What you do have is your own judgment - if he is not giving you what you want, Next! Kind of the point of casual - you should have enough dates lined up with other guys that you don't even notice one dropping off. It's called a rotating stable for a reason. You can stop rotating when you find one worth keeping around longer and the feeling is actually mutual.

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Another way to look at it. . Live in the moment.  A date is just date, not a marriage proposal.  Unless you are giving up valuable time where you might be doing something else that matters, consider looking at it as just an enjoyable moment in time.  Resist forecasting about where this is going.  After all you don't want anything monogamous(so you say) so the definition of that is you don't owe each other anything and are open to date others.  Not sure why you say you don't want any commitment from this guy, yet more or less call him out when you see him online.   It's a little confusing.    Makes sense why you are confused.

But I think the answer here is that you need to get clear on exactly what you want.   Your views you shared on this this seem to contradict each other.  Get clear on what you want and continue dating with purpose.

If really want casual, not committal . . this scenario you just shared with this guy is exactly what it looks like.  Maybe he senses that.

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On 11/17/2021 at 4:01 PM, somechick99 said:

I do enjoy my time with him and would be bummed to toss him if unnecessary. 

I'm having a hard time understanding what you want. It sounds like you don't want a relationship, yet you're bummed that you're not connecting, AND you (for some unknown reason) would be bummed to 'toss' someone that you're not connecting with. Or is he not connecting with you as much as you want to connect with him? 

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