Is she leading me on?

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, junebug123 said:

Every women I’ve ever dated where things were stable and secure only lead me to feeling bored and unchallenged. The only time I ever feel alive is when things are chaotic and I feel like I have to fight for my life.

I have to admit this really jumped out at me.  If the only way you feel alive is to have chaos in your life then there is something wrong (imo).  You would think the very fact that a person is stable and secure would be a huge attraction and a must for any relationship.

I agree with the other members who have recommended therapy.  Clearly there are some deep-rooted issues which need to be sorted out if you ever want a happy, healthy and successful relationship.

[junebug123]

10 hours ago, Tinydance said:

It's just no offence but you seem kind of desperate. You keep coming to the bar and forcing yourself to drink just to pursue this woman. I also think people who are alcoholics just sir in the bar and talk to anybody for company. And I think there's a chance she wouldn't care if you were there or not. Even if you don't come, she'll still sit there and drink and talk to other people. She might be talking to you for many reasons but they might not necessarily be that she's romantically interested in you. She might just like your attention, she likes company, and/or she's plainly just drunk and "going with the flow".

You want to know something crazy. I think this is about the third time I started to catch feelings for someone like straight away in the past 3-4 months.

The pattern in the same. First time was this girl online I wrote about that already, oddly enough I still think about her from time to time. She was the one that had the deepest impact on me, so much so that she was able to bring up so many feelings that I had been suppressing over the years.

Next was this girl who I played sports with. She had a boyfriend at the time but she was getting old (29 wanting kids) and looking for someone who was doing better off in life finically (obvious reasons, she was an accountant who was well off, her boyfriend mowed the lawn at a golf course).

I had that (remote development job) and more (on the intellectual side) so we spoke for a while, but there was always the fear she would lose her partner or 4 years. Eventually I think he found the texts messages and either threatened to end the relationship or she just cut me off for her own reasons.

It wasn’t personal and I saw her a few times after we stopped texting, I know she still had feelings but I respected her space and felt like I could do better (she was being hot and cold as well, with self esteem issues).

Finally the bar fly. I went to the bar again last night hoping she would be there and in better spirits. I suspect she’s seeing someone and was using me for company. I also think that’s the reason she didn’t want to give out her number but, I realize now that she probably was attracted to me.

As for moving out, I’ll probably be doing that sometime soon. I was able to save up a couple thousand by now and I can probably afford to start paying off my loans with my old job. I was making 35 an hour there, the newest job was 50 but like I said they let me go. As far as money and people go, I really don’t care what women think in respect to my lifestyle at all really.

Maybe I’m delusional, I guess I imagine that I could meet someone who shares my values. I have massive school loan debts 70k and the a single bedroom or studio apartment around me is like 1600-1700 in a bad neighborhood or further away from the city.

Yeah, roommates... That thought doesn’t really assume me much. I thought of just moving states where living is more affordable. That or just buying a RV and living in there and rent a small office room (co-working space) with internet for about 150-200 a month.

Anyways thanks for listening and replying. This has been helping me to sort my thoughts more.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, junebug123 said:

Finally the bar fly. I suspect she’s seeing someone and was using me for company.

That's the thing. Whoever is on the stool next to her, talks to her and/or buys her drinks is fine for someone like this. Run.

[reinventmyself]

12 hours ago, junebug123 said:

Do you know what it’s like to be a single man living in your parents house in your mid thirties and getting rejected from 80-90 percent of the women you date, due to having an occupation which pays little money.

I basically spent last 4 years of my life in my room programming so that I could get a job and move out. I live in a very expensive city.

All this time, the only thing I would think to myself is if I finally land a good position and acquire wealth then I can finally be worthy of love. 

I had about 3 dreams which I wanted to achieve. Learn to understand and build my own RPG. Get a job in the industry which I did. Start my own video game company.

Every-time I achieved one of my goals I was left more depressed then I had ever been in my entire life. Feeling like my purpose to live was gone and really the struggle was all I ever wanted all along.

Every women I’ve ever dated where things were stable and secure only lead me to feeling bored and unchallenged. The only time I ever feel alive is when things are chaotic and I feel like I have to fight for my life.

Even after I achieved a well paying job and could finally afford to go to the bar, or the strip club or buy an expensive laptop or all the expensive game engine and network programming books that I fawned over, still the feeling remained after the moment subsided.

Recently, after that last episode where I got let go I realized the one thing that I was the most terrified of happened and I didn’t die. I had my dream job and it wasn’t what I expected... 

I finally realized how wrong I was about big corporations and the people who work in them. The entire time all I was ever seeking was validation and all I found was disappointment. It no longer mattered what other people thought anymore, I finally saw the wizard for who he was and I feel cheated.

More than anything I just feel angry at myself for allowing myself to believe that if I could convince the world that I was someone, then maybe finally I would actually believe it myself. 

Even now as I type this I want to go to the bar and hang out. The other night I just talked to this other younger girl until my crush finally left. I’m not sure if I scored a victory or if anyone is keep track, I’m sure that’s why people hate me. 

I know they are so ego based and it disgusts me. Reading the Fountain Head it’s like the nightmare that Protagonist experiences is my every waking moment. I am just constantly surrounded by these materialistic people who I can’t relate or sympathize with.

 

I am sorry and I understand your frustration.   Yet, you didn't answer the question about considering therapy and asking for help.

[junebug123]

32 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

I am sorry and I understand your frustration.   Yet, you didn't answer the question about considering therapy and asking for help.

I started going to therapy at a young age around 14. I never really connected with any of the therapists I spoke to. I think in total it was about 4.

The last one was when I was in my early twenties and having a very rough time. He was probably the smartest one and charged the most too (100 an hour). He had a way of asking me questions that immediately hit me at the root of my issues and caused me to break down on more then one occasion.

Of course I was cocky back then, thinking my emotional stability was more a manifestation of a chemical imbalance, then a self induced one. This was sort of narcissistic thinking where I believed I knew more the therapist. Probably the main reason none of them could get through to me.

For some strange reason the expensive one offered to play me in a game of chess, as a way of trying to connect with me. I’m not sure that he realized that he was playing for his job, and that losing to me would cause me to lose faith in his ability to solve my problems. 

Sorry, I’m ranting again. Ugh this isn’t healthy. Yeah, your right. I need help. Alright, I’ll see what I can do once I get my health care again.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, junebug123 said:

The pattern in the same. First time was this girl online I wrote about that already, oddly enough I still think about her from time to time. She was the one that had the deepest impact on me, so much so that she was able to bring up so many feelings that I had been suppressing over the years.

Next was this girl who I played sports with. She had a boyfriend at the time but she was getting old (29 wanting kids) and looking for someone who was doing better off in life finically (obvious reasons, she was an accountant who was well off, her boyfriend mowed the lawn at a golf course).

I had that (remote development job) and more (on the intellectual side) so we spoke for a while, but there was always the fear she would lose her partner or 4 years. Eventually I think he found the texts messages and either threatened to end the relationship or she just cut me off for her own reasons.

It wasn’t personal and I saw her a few times after we stopped texting, I know she still had feelings but I respected her space and felt like I could do better (she was being hot and cold as well, with self esteem issues).

Finally the bar fly. I went to the bar again last night hoping she would be there and in better spirits. I suspect she’s seeing someone and was using me for company. I also think that’s the reason she didn’t want to give out her number but, I realize now that she probably was attracted to me.

So your choices were:

a) distant girl that you probably never going to see

b) unavailable girl that probably did lead you on

c) alcoholic that would probably go home with anybody after the right ammount of drinks

Again, I dont think those girls are the problem and that you trully need to look why your choices are so bad. Because at the end, it was your choices. 

[MissCanuck]

On 11/20/2021 at 6:43 PM, Kwothe28 said:

Again, I dont think those girls are the problem and that you trully need to look why your choices are so bad. Because at the end, it was your choices.

Yes, I agree. 

There is a lot be explored in the fact that you are the common denominator, OP. You keep making poor decisions about women. 

[Tinydance]

On 11/21/2021 at 2:17 AM, junebug123 said:

You want to know something crazy. I think this is about the third time I started to catch feelings for someone like straight away in the past 3-4 months.

The pattern in the same. First time was this girl online I wrote about that already, oddly enough I still think about her from time to time. She was the one that had the deepest impact on me, so much so that she was able to bring up so many feelings that I had been suppressing over the years.

Next was this girl who I played sports with. She had a boyfriend at the time but she was getting old (29 wanting kids) and looking for someone who was doing better off in life finically (obvious reasons, she was an accountant who was well off, her boyfriend mowed the lawn at a golf course).

I had that (remote development job) and more (on the intellectual side) so we spoke for a while, but there was always the fear she would lose her partner or 4 years. Eventually I think he found the texts messages and either threatened to end the relationship or she just cut me off for her own reasons.

It wasn’t personal and I saw her a few times after we stopped texting, I know she still had feelings but I respected her space and felt like I could do better (she was being hot and cold as well, with self esteem issues).

Finally the bar fly. I went to the bar again last night hoping she would be there and in better spirits. I suspect she’s seeing someone and was using me for company. I also think that’s the reason she didn’t want to give out her number but, I realize now that she probably was attracted to me.

As for moving out, I’ll probably be doing that sometime soon. I was able to save up a couple thousand by now and I can probably afford to start paying off my loans with my old job. I was making 35 an hour there, the newest job was 50 but like I said they let me go. As far as money and people go, I really don’t care what women think in respect to my lifestyle at all really.

Maybe I’m delusional, I guess I imagine that I could meet someone who shares my values. I have massive school loan debts 70k and the a single bedroom or studio apartment around me is like 1600-1700 in a bad neighborhood or further away from the city.

Yeah, roommates... That thought doesn’t really assume me much. I thought of just moving states where living is more affordable. That or just buying a RV and living in there and rent a small office room (co-working space) with internet for about 150-200 a month.

Anyways thanks for listening and replying. This has been helping me to sort my thoughts more.

So serious question, do you actually want a relationship? You've mentioned three women in that comment and I see something they all have in common. They're unattainable/not single/not interested. I understand that we can't help it if we get a crush on someone but it almost seems to me like you actually deliberately pursue these women who you know deep down you can't actually get. 

I haven't read your post about the online girl yet but my guess is...she lived in another state or country and you couldn't actually meet in real life? The girl with the boyfriend, well that's self-explanatory, she wasn't single. The woman in the bar to be honest doesn't really seem interested in you. I know it's a common thing to pick up in a bar but you're not actually really picking up. She doesn't even want to give you her number, you haven't kissed and she hasn't come to your place or anything like that. All she's doing is talking to you but that could just be a thing of convenience.

If you actually want a girlfriend for real and you're not just telling yourself that you want one, you need to start trying to meet women who are actually decent and available. I think it's a no brainer for example that you're not very likely to end up with a woman who already has a boyfriend.

Have you tried online dating before? And by "online" I mean matching women in your area that you can actually meet in real life lol

[junebug123]

On 11/22/2021 at 5:44 AM, Tinydance said:

Have you tried online dating before? And by "online" I mean matching women in your area that you can actually meet in real life lol

I have tried online dating before. Most of my relationships are like this. I usually sleep with them within the first, second or third date otherwise I move on. 

This goes for women who I’ve met in real life, although this usually causes me problems with mutual friends so I try not to do that as much anymore.

2-3 months into the relationship I realize I’m not that invested and sabotage the relationship. In my twenties it was a lot easier, I was young, full head of hair, and way more aggressive. It was really bad when I was online dating because I spent a lot of time just messaging women like all the time and going on dates. 

I got laid a few times and one time it actually led to a relationship but I ended up cheating on her for dumb reasons. Not sure if we were compatible anyways thou because I have a very high sex drive and usually only about 10% of the people I ever meet can satisfy it.

Took about 4 years off from dating to work on myself. And I’m just rusty and more conservative, that coupled with the fact that in my thirties I started balding my looks started falling off that or my self esteem, not sure what’s going on anymore. 

Anyways, yeah....

 

[Batya33]

What specific work on yourself did you do for 4 years and why couldn’t you date at the same time?