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Is she leading me on?


junebug123
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The other night I met this girl in a bar. To be honest, I’m sort of at a low point in my life right now. I recently got fired from a better paying job in which, I wasn’t doing so well in but fortunately my old company was willing to accept me back on.

Im not really going to get into the details of what exactly happened since it was petty stuff (he said, she said...). But I’m here now and trying making the best of it.

So on the first night we just talked for most of the night, she was really chill but I noticed that when I tried to get close she sort of kept her distance from me. And when I asked her for her number she said she has a 3 meeting rule. That she needs to meet the person 3 times before she gives out that information.

Already I’m skeptical but it’s a bar near my house and I have a week in between jobs so I was just sort of going to relax, not really looking for anything.

She pretty much told me that she’s always there and admits that she’s an alcoholic, she’s always admitted more darker things but for some reason I kept finding that these are the only women that I keep letting into my life...

Last night I go there again and she confronts me after an hour of chatting. Actually we talked until 3 in the morning and the other night stayed till about 1 in the morning. She asks me why are you attracted to me.

I was kind of taken a back and didn’t know how to respond. Stupidly I asked her if the feeling was mutual and she told me that she’s attracted me. This kind of scared me right off, especially with how direct she was being.

I know this thread seems dumb because why would I be asking these questions but when I try to get close to her or make physical contact she kind of shys away from the touching, but doesn’t tell me to stop and doesn’t stop talking to me.

The feeling I get from this is that she doesn’t really know me and doesn’t want to be played especially because she frequents the bar a lot, and I have a feeling she wants to see how I interact with the other girls etc. etc.

Im not sure if I will go again tonight because I’m already getting exhausted of drinking but I really like this girl and want to see where it will go. Am I being insecure or is she just leading me on for attention/validation? 

 

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12 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

She pretty much told me that she’s always there and admits that she’s an alcoholic, she’s always admitted more darker things but for some reason I kept finding that these are the only women that I keep letting into my life...

Soooo maybe instead of making the same mistake over and over you actually step away from this train wreck? Try it. It might actually be a nice change in your life.

I mean seriously....someone tells you they are an alcoholic, the sane response is "Bye!"

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15 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

Im not sure if I will go again tonight because I’m already getting exhausted of drinking but I really like this girl and want to see where it will go. 

It's doubtful that a barfly is going to lead to anything worthwhile. Except if you have sex, another 'he said she said' nightmare. Avoid that bar and her.

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33 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

Stupidly I asked her if the feeling was mutual and she told me that she’s attracted me. This kind of scared me right off, especially with how direct she was being.

‚You were scared because an alcoholic(who is btw ready to admit that to somebody who she doesnt even know), with her inhibitors down because she was probably drunk, was direct to you and probably wanted sex? That is probably her MO, she gets drunk, some guy picks her up and then they go home lol. 

If you want sex you are way overthinking this. If you want a serious relationship, stay away from that girl. In fact, given this

49 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

but for some reason I kept finding that these are the only women that I keep letting into my life...

rethink why you even let somebody like that to even be an option. 

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4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

‚You were scared because an alcoholic(who is btw ready to admit that to somebody who she doesnt even know), with her inhibitors down because she was probably drunk, was direct to you and probably wanted sex? That is probably her MO, she gets drunk, some guy picks her up and then they go home lol. 

If you want sex you are way overthinking this. If you want a serious relationship, stay away from that girl. In fact, given this

rethink why you even let somebody like that to even be an option. 

I’m pretty sure she was not drunk. She told me it takes her like 15 drinks to get drunk. If anything she was slightly buzzed. 

I tried to keep up with her the first night and spilled my water after the fifth drink. Yeah, I think you guys are right about everything you’ve said so far.

I mean, from my point of view I haven’t got laid in like 4 years and this girl on the attractiveness level is about 6.5 - 7 for me.

Also, she can keep up with me intellectually, which probably means that I would have settled for a lot less in the looks department to find someone who I could have meshed with. 

I feel like last time we spoke about these circumstances with the girl that was a few states away, everyone tried to convince me not to fly over to see her and work on my issues. Now it’s the same thing only this one is like a few blocks from my house and probably lives in my neighborhood as well.

Its like you guys are telling a starving man not to eat the apple because the core is rotten. I get that...

Ugh, it’s almost like I just want you guys to tell me if she’s into me or not and your telling me to dodge a bullet...

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If you have sex with her realize that the risks are that she could claim she didn't consent (and that might be true because you don't know how many drinks it takes her to be drunk and incapable of consent) or you may find yourself in a situation where the mother of your future child is drinking while pregnant.  Please avoid train wrecks like this.

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7 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

Its like you guys are telling a starving man not to eat the apple because the core is rotten. I get that...

More like telling a starving man not to eat the apple because it's poisoned. It won't stop your hunger, but it will make you even more sick and your overall situation that much worse.

I'll just say this again, if you don't want more years of the same, you have to start making different choices for yourself starting now with giving a hard fast pass to this wreck.

To answer your question, no she is not into you and she already has a relationship with her addiction. If she was into you, she wouldn't shrink away from you physically or make up bs excuses about not giving you her number. She is playing you and making you jump through hoops. Have enough self respect to pass on that bs. 

 

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Who knows if she's leading you on yet the more important question is, are you willing to  be involved with a woman who is an alcoholic, and apparently seems to be a barfly. 

I'm sure this isn't her first rodeo, therefore, I'd avoid adding yourself to her list.  Also and not to sound rude, but you need to start thinking with the correct body part.

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I get the feeling you're just at a low point, like you admitted.

But, please dont risk yourself in this!  She is off & you know it.

Okay, so it's been a while.. same here.  But, I will NOT put myself in a bad situation.  And believe me.. alcy's are No Good!

 I have an alcoholic ex and yes, they are nothing but a negative 😕 . You know the saying. 'married to the bottle'?

You can do better.. how about a dating site?  Get to know someone who doesn't seem so sketchy and just wanting  to tease some local, single dude.

 

1 hour ago, junebug123 said:

Im not sure if I will go again tonight because I’m already getting exhausted of drinking

See?  This is not for you.

Maybe just keep your distance now and focus on YOU.  Keep working on yourself & get to feeling a bit better... And stop going to a 'bar' to meet a woman. ( she can drink you under the table.. oh yay!)  Not  😕 

Keep moving on.

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Getting involved with this woman will not improve your "low point". It will bring you lower.

And BTW, alcohol is a depressant. Drinking while feeling "low" is a pretty terrible idea.

How about getting involved in outdoor activities where you can meet healthy, active women instead of hanging out in a bar?

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47 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

Ugh, it’s almost like I just want you guys to tell me if she’s into me or not and your telling me to dodge a bullet...

She already told you that she is into you(though frisky), why do you even think she is leading you on? Because she has some silly rule about phone number? Yes, she is probably into you. Still doesnt mean you should go for it. Yes, you are at low point and want this to happen. Doesnt mean involving yourself with an alcoholic would improve that, it would probably just draw you further down the well. I said about you rethinking why you let that kind of girls into your life because, well, in majority of cases we attract and draw people that are like us. So, if you attract that kind of people, you should rethink your choices in general, what you do wrong and who you are letting in your life. 

Also we are not some magical force that guides you. We are strangers on the internet that give advice based on what you ask. What you do with our advice is not up to us. If you want to bang your head against the wall even though people tell you to go around the wall and pass it, its your choice. 

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I think it's important for you to reach out to a trusted family member or friend, and also to obtain professional help. You are going through a lot and there's no reason for you to go through it alone.

But this alcoholic woman is not going to improve your situation. She will make it worse.

Please talk to somebody as soon as possible, today preferably. 

No shame in asking for help, BTW. I did when I was so fearful and anxious I almost couldn't leave home. I'm glad I asked for help because I am much better now.

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She probably has a lot of men come up to her at the bar. I agree with the Bolt specifically.. do take care of yourself first. Things will fall into place when you feel good about yourself.

Why not meet other people in person through interest or hobby groups? Find a sense of community somewhere and let this kind of thing go. Skip over it.

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Her three times rule sort of makes sense, in the scheme of things. 

She's an alcoholic that is easily found sitting on a bar stool, nightly.  No doubt she's met her share of characters.  Though her lifestyle is questionable, she apparently has standards.

So you are here a little confused why she isn't letting you touch her the first or second time?  From there you mention how long it's been since you've been laid.  When you put these two together one could guess what your agenda is.  Nothing wrong with that I suppose, but she's not interested on men hitting her up for sex.  Pretty sure she gets enough of that.  Get in line.   Her three time rule is likely to rule out just that.

Ultimately, you want to know how healthy you are?   Look around at the company you keep.   You may be better off putting this energy into working on yourself and not  preoccupied by winning over a self proclaimed alcoholic bar stool warmer.   Pretty sure that experience will drag you further down a rabbit hole.

Edited by reinventmyself
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You'll never be a partner's priority when said partner has an addiction. Whether it be gambling, porn, alcohol, or narcotics, the addiction comes above any person in that addicted person's life.

Is that where you want to be on the rungs of her life? Below a shot of tequila? 

You aren't in a good headspace to date when you're willing to settle. Even if you have to wait longer to be intimate with a woman, take this time to get to a happy place solo. That's the only way you will attract, and be attracted to, a quality woman.

Edited by Andrina
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Yeah, fair enough. I came to the bar again tonight and she was like ready to leave as soon as I came in. Not sure if it was personal or not, she said hi to me, but then after I just sat by myself she seemed to relax and stay longer.

I think you guys are right, I probably came off as too aggressive and didn’t realize it. Also, this is dumb stressing some barfly.

I think with my beer googles off she wasn’t as attractive as I imagined her to be. This usually seems to be the case in situations where someone gives me a little attention.

Anyways, I think there were a lot of red flags and I just ignored all of them, and I think in retrospect I’ve been doing that to like 80 percent of my past relationships. It’s not that I want to be in a dysfunctional relationship, it’s  probably more that I’m lonely and just willing to settle.

It’s weird how I came be so close to someone and them just act so hot and cold with me. I’m like sitting her at the bar a few feet away from her but just keeping my distance because like many of the women in my life she just acting hot and cold. 

I really hate myself for falling for these women, I know if I just start ignoring her and talking to other girls, she will light up. Why do insecure people always behave this way. I should just leave after I finish this drink and be done with the drama. Already feeling guilty for thinking about her so much after such a short period of time.

This is like the pattern I find myself in over and over again. Meet someone, fall hard for them, get heart broken or push them away if things get serious. Also, for ladies for fall for guys like me. Don’t take it personal, it’s extremely difficult for men like me to allow themselves to be vulnerable.

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2 hours ago, junebug123 said:

It’s weird how I came be so close to someone and them just act so hot and cold with me.

You've just met her - you aren't so close to her. You don't even have her number. In short, you barely know her. 

I think you lose perspective and get attached far too easily. This seems to be a big part of your problem. You appear to build up these loose connections a lot in your mind and assign a lot more importance to them than they are really worth. 

It would be best to redefine what "so close" means to you and work on distinguishing between lust and real feelings that only come from genuinely knowing someone. 

 

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You don't know if she's acting out of insecurity.  Especially because she chooses to drink to excess and chooses the consequences -maybe the consequences are that she acts in a flighty/flaky/insecure way- who knows -you sure don't because you only know her in the context of a bar where she is drinking and is not getting help for her addiction (or I suppose she would have told you -she simply told you she is an alcoholic).  

It's hard for everyone to be vulnerable. I spent 25 years dating/looking for a husband/in serious relationships - all requiring a lot of risk and a ton of vulnerability.  To me it is worth it because my goal was husband/children - more than worth it.  Just like having to take huge risks to get to where I wanted to be professionally and to be a mom.  You have to decide whether the risks are worth it.  It's a personal decision. 

Right now you're taking no risks.  It's easy to pursue an unavailable woman - she is unavailable so you know nothing can really come of this -you'll never have to risk being in a serious relationship with her -for one thing because she's not that into you and far more into her drinking.

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Have you considered therapy?   It might be well worth it to get to the core of why you are unhappy and seek validation from questionable women who merely pay attention to you.  Or seeking attention from questionable women who don't.

If ultimately you would like to feel content with life and have healthy view of yourself, you will seek better quality partners.  In return you could lead a fulfilling life with meaning.  I can't think of a better investment.

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11 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Have you considered therapy?   It might be well worth it to get to the core of why you are unhappy and seek validation from questionable women who merely pay attention to you.  Or seeking attention from questionable women who don't.

If ultimately you would like to feel content with life and have healthy view of yourself, you will seek better quality partners.  In return you could lead a fulfilling life with meaning.  I can't think of a better investment.

Do you know what it’s like to be a single man living in your parents house in your mid thirties and getting rejected from 80-90 percent of the women you date, due to having an occupation which pays little money.

I basically spent last 4 years of my life in my room programming so that I could get a job and move out. I live in a very expensive city.

All this time, the only thing I would think to myself is if I finally land a good position and acquire wealth then I can finally be worthy of love. 

I had about 3 dreams which I wanted to achieve. Learn to understand and build my own RPG. Get a job in the industry which I did. Start my own video game company.

Every-time I achieved one of my goals I was left more depressed then I had ever been in my entire life. Feeling like my purpose to live was gone and really the struggle was all I ever wanted all along.

Every women I’ve ever dated where things were stable and secure only lead me to feeling bored and unchallenged. The only time I ever feel alive is when things are chaotic and I feel like I have to fight for my life.

Even after I achieved a well paying job and could finally afford to go to the bar, or the strip club or buy an expensive laptop or all the expensive game engine and network programming books that I fawned over, still the feeling remained after the moment subsided.

Recently, after that last episode where I got let go I realized the one thing that I was the most terrified of happened and I didn’t die. I had my dream job and it wasn’t what I expected... 

I finally realized how wrong I was about big corporations and the people who work in them. The entire time all I was ever seeking was validation and all I found was disappointment. It no longer mattered what other people thought anymore, I finally saw the wizard for who he was and I feel cheated.

More than anything I just feel angry at myself for allowing myself to believe that if I could convince the world that I was someone, then maybe finally I would actually believe it myself. 

Even now as I type this I want to go to the bar and hang out. The other night I just talked to this other younger girl until my crush finally left. I’m not sure if I scored a victory or if anyone is keep track, I’m sure that’s why people hate me. 

I know they are so ego based and it disgusts me. Reading the Fountain Head it’s like the nightmare that Protagonist experiences is my every waking moment. I am just constantly surrounded by these materialistic people who I can’t relate or sympathize with.

 

Edited by junebug123
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47 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

Do you know what it’s like to be a single man living in your parents house in your mid thirties and getting rejected from 80-90 percent of the women you date, due to having an occupation which pays little money.

I basically spent last 4 years of my life in my room programming so that I could get a job and move out. I live in a very expensive city.

All this time, the only thing I would think to myself is if I finally land a good position and acquire wealth then I can finally be worthy of love. 

I had about 3 dreams which I wanted to achieve. Learn to understand and build my own RPG. Get a job in the industry which I did. Start my own video game company.

Every-time I achieved one of my goals I was left more depressed then I had ever been in my entire life. Feeling like my purpose to live was gone and really the struggle was all I ever wanted all along.

Every women I’ve ever dated where things were stable and secure only lead me to feeling bored and unchallenged. The only time I ever feel alive is when things are chaotic and I feel like I have to fight for my life.

Even after I achieved a well paying job and could finally afford to go to the bar, or the strip club or buy an expensive laptop or all the expensive game engine and network programming books that I fawned over, still the feeling remained after the moment subsided.

Recently, after that last episode where I got let go I realized the one thing that I was the most terrified of happened and I didn’t die. I had my dream job and it wasn’t what I expected... 

I finally realized how wrong I was about big corporations and the people who work in them. The entire time all I was ever seeking was validation and all I found was disappointment. It no longer mattered what other people thought anymore, I finally saw the wizard for who he was and I feel cheated.

More than anything I just feel angry at myself for allowing myself to believe that if I could convince the world that I was someone, then maybe finally I would actually believe it myself. 

Even now as I type this I want to go to the bar and hang out. The other night I just talked to this other younger girl until my crush finally left. I’m not sure if I scored a victory or if anyone is keep track, I’m sure that’s why people hate me. 

I know they are so ego based and it disgusts me. Reading the Fountain Head it’s like the nightmare that Protagonist experiences is my every waking moment. I am just constantly surrounded by these materialistic people who I can’t relate or sympathize with.

 

OK....there are a few things here. Are you still living with your parents? Is there any opportunity for you to move out of their house at least with some roommates? I know rent and bills are expensive but sharing with housemates reduces the cost a lot. Maybe start looking at some rental advertisements and try to move out. Look I'm not going to lie to you....Yes it is off putting to me as a woman when a guy is in his 30's and still lives with his parents. I think if he at least lived with housemates I would find that much better.

Regarding this woman in the bar. I'm not going to pass judgement on her being an alcoholic or you trying to pick her up in the bar. I think if you're interested in her in some capacity (sex or otherwise) then I don't really think you're going about it the right way. I think if she drinks like 15 drinks and you had sex with her, that really doesn't seem right. It does seem like taking advantage of her. You also said you're getting exhausted from drinking, but you're only drinking in that bar for the sake of talking to that woman. If you don't actually want to drink then you could actually just order soft drinks. Or, better still, you could actually ask her to go to a cafe for a coffee or something. If she doesn't want to give out her actual number then there are still message apps like Kik for example where you can just add that person to the app and message there. Or just say you'd like to go to XYZ cafe and you'll meet her there for coffee at such and such time. If she doesn't show up then you know she's either too drunk, she's not interested, or both lol 

It's just no offence but you seem kind of desperate. You keep coming to the bar and forcing yourself to drink just to pursue this woman. I also think people who are alcoholics just sir in the bar and talk to anybody for company. And I think there's a chance she wouldn't care if you were there or not. Even if you don't come, she'll still sit there and drink and talk to other people. She might be talking to you for many reasons but they might not necessarily be that she's romantically interested in you. She might just like your attention, she likes company, and/or she's plainly just drunk and "going with the flow".

I think unless you can get her out to meet outside of the bar then maybe you should just drop it. You might think if she has a high tolerance after 15 drinks that it's OK to have sex with her but I don't think she'd exactly be in her right mind. After such a big amount of drinks her body may seem to be moving but her cognitive processes would be very poor and she would probably hardly remember it later. 

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