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I don’t know what to do about the guy I’m seeing..


Vrnchi
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I (24F) don’t know what to do about (25M). I‘ve been talking to a guy for over 2 months now. The reason why he won’t date me yet is because he can’t put it into words, but he reassured me it’s not that I’m not enough and he likes me and everything. He mentioned many times before he wanted to have “deep conversations” before dating me to make sure we were “compatible life partners”. We had this talk. Nothing came about it. Idk what else there is to be said. It’s like the man wants to know everything about me before dating me. Idk if I’m just wasting my time or not. I understand you should definitely know the person before dating them, but with him I feel we know each other well enough. We talk everyday all day for 10 weeks now. He is also close with his female co worker who I recently found out he spent a lot of his free time at their work where he goes to workout, with her in the back office to talk and sit side by side and laugh for over an hour. He didn’t tell me he was doing this but rather he was still there at the gym “working out still”. He also likes her revealing pics on Instagram. I confronted him about her after she texted him the night we hung out which she said she was bored. He said she starts the convos and he doesn’t reply half the time and he doesn’t talk to her everyday. Idk if I believe this. He said she’s too young for him (5 year difference) and she’s not his type but he admits she’s good looking. We talked more about her last night and he said if she showed interest he’d reject her since he likes me. He also said since they’re coworkers they cannot date. It’s just that the reassurance wasn’t there when I needed it and he didn’t say he wasn’t interested. It’s the things he didn’t say that he could’ve said to make me feel more comfortable with it all that bug me. I left his place last night after we just sat there in silence watching a tv show on opposite ends of the bed and I left without any kiss goodbye like we usually do. He hasn’t texted me back since last night after I left and I don’t want to text him until I think he’s ignoring me. I really like him and he’s a nice guy but everyone around me is telling me to call it off. Am I looking into this too deeply?

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6 minutes ago, Vrnchi said:

. I left his place last night after we just sat there in silence watching a tv show on opposite ends of the bed and I left without any kiss goodbye like we usually do. 

Are you dating? Or friends or FWB?

Do you both work? Go to school? Live with parents?

It's 70 days of nonsense. It's unclear what you want with him? 

Friends? GF/BF? Just hooking up?

Stop badgering him about his social media, other women and co-workers. Don't chase him this much.

In fact he seems like a timewaster. You seem frustrated and unhappy with him. Don't waste all your time on this guy.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Stop hanging out in limbo.

Expand your social life. Join some groups and clubs volunteer get into sports and fitness. Get a side hustle.

Start talking to men in real life as well as getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee .

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5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you dating? Or friends or FWB?

Do you both work? Go to school? Live with parents?

It's 70 days of nonsense. It's unclear what you want with him? 

Friends? GF/BF? Just hooking up?

Stop badgering him about his social media, other women and co-workers. Don't chase him this much.

In fact he seems like a timewaster. You seem frustrated and unhappy with him. Don't waste all your time on this guy.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Stop hanging out in limbo.

Expand your social life. Join some groups and clubs volunteer get into sports and fitness. Get a side hustle.

Start talking to men in real life as well as getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee .

We are seeing each other and the mutual goal is to end up dating. It’s clear to the both of us we want to date each other but he said he can’t put into words as to why he hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend yet. He discussed before it was because we haven’t had enough deep conversations. We are technically friends who also have benefits yes but he wants a girlfriend and he likes me but there’s just some aspects that make me question things. I am afraid I am wasting my time and I should move on but he expressed to me he doesn’t want me to leave him. But thanks for your suggestions and tips!

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28 minutes ago, Vrnchi said:

... he wants a girlfriend ...

29 minutes ago, Vrnchi said:

... he hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend.

Hey Vrnchi,

Unfortunately, if you cut through the noise and garbage, this seems like the core takeaway here. He is at best a oblivious timewaster who won't acknowledge his own ambivalence until he finds someone he really wants to date, or at worse intentionally misleading you to get the milk for free so to speak. You actually seem to have a fairly good sense of self worth so I suggest you do as wiseman suggests and find some who wants you as a girlfriend. 

Good luck,

T

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1 hour ago, Vrnchi said:

The reason why he won’t date me yet is because he can’t put it into words, but he reassured me it’s not that I’m not enough and he likes me and everything. He mentioned many times before he wanted to have “deep conversations” before dating me to make sure we were “compatible life partners”.

Run. Your friends are right. When they say "I wont date you now" you should assume it means "I wont date you at all". At best you are a "placeholder" for that girl from work if she rejects him. At worst, he wont ever date you, just likes attention and is bored at the time because he doesnt have anyone. 

I am sorry, but cut your losses. You are talking for 10 weeks every day, he should know if he wants to date you or not. He clearly wont from some reason but just keeps you there. At the situations like that, you leave and find somebody who wont "yank your chains" like that.

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Why are you even dealing with this? 

He's not a nice guy.  Nice guys don't string you along, make you jump through hoops, create made up theories of you are not dating but seeing each other. 

That is all ridiculous and you're not being a good friend to yourself. 

You're allowing yourself to be discounted, not valued and used to feed his little power trip.

Tell this guy to hit the bricks and talk to a therapist.  Your self esteem is not what it should be. A person with self esteem would protect herself from this emotional abuse. 

It is abuse.... 

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You're wasting your time. What you're doing is rolling out the red carpet, offering your body and your time when he doesn't meet the minimum requirements for a relationship. You seem emotionally attached if you're not ending it right away. 

I suggest you let him go and be pointedly clear about it, no vagueness. Tell him this arrangement is not working for you and you wish to go separate ways.

Someone who behaves like this is lacking a conscience and toeing the line being controlling and needing to know everything about you before dating you exclusively (what a load of you know what if I ever heard it). It's an fwb arrangement and nothing else. This will not become a relationship, not with the way he thinks or the kind of man he is.

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3 hours ago, Vrnchi said:

We are technically friends who also have benefits yes but he wants a girlfriend . I am afraid I am wasting my time

He treats you poorly. He wants the 'benefits' of a relationship/GF but won't spit out those words or make you feel loved or valued.

Yes, dump him if he has this much verbal and emotional constipation.

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I believe he wants a gf but that is not you.  This whole deeper convo thing is just to keep stringing you along so the sex continues.  I am sorry but it is that simple.

  You are in a fwb whether the words have been said or not.  If this isn't what you want then end it.

Even if he needs more time who wants to be with a guy that after 10 weeks still can't decide.  Nobody should be with anyone that has to talk themselves into dating someone.

  You are not the girl for him, time to move on.

Lost

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He's hoping things work out with that other woman but is willing to accept sex and companionship from you in the meantime.

His word salad is to keep you giving him what he wants.

Are you going to continue to fall for his BS lines? Or love yourself enough to say "no more"?

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5 hours ago, Vrnchi said:

We are seeing each other and the mutual goal is to end up dating. It’s clear to the both of us we want to date each other but he said he can’t put into words as to why he hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend yet. He discussed before it was because we haven’t had enough deep conversations. We are technically friends who also have benefits yes but he wants a girlfriend and he likes me but there’s just some aspects that make me question things. I am afraid I am wasting my time and I should move on but he expressed to me he doesn’t want me to leave him. But thanks for your suggestions and tips!

I'll just be blunt - there is no "we" here. It's just you wanting to date him and failing to read between the lines/falling for string-a-long bs.

Harsh reality is that he doesn't see you as gf material for him, but he will use your time, attention, and body happily. Of course he doesn't want you to stop giving him all that but that means nothing other than this is all fun and convenient for him and strokes his ego. Since you want more, you need to step away and stop wasting your time on him.

Going forward, pay more attention to actions than words. A guy who is into you and wants to date you will just date you. You won't be confused about his interest or have to jump through hoops. Dating is really not that complicated and when it is complicated, it's your clue that this is not your match and you need to move on. The less time you spend on time wasters and tire kickers, the better your chances on finding a good guy who will give you his best from the get go.

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7 hours ago, Vrnchi said:

It’s the things he didn’t say that he could’ve said to make me feel more comfortable with it all that bug me. I left his place last night after we just sat there in silence watching a tv show on opposite ends of the bed and I left without any kiss goodbye like we usually do. He hasn’t texted me back since last night after I left and I don’t want to text him until I think he’s ignoring me. I really like him and he’s a nice guy but everyone around me is telling me to call it off.

What is it you want him to say?

I feel he's keeping  you at a distance for some reason.

Why are YOU acting so cold with him? Opposite ends & no kiss goodbye...

And as for YOU ignoring him until you think he is ignoring you is just head games.  Don't do that.

As for everyone around you.. Why are they saying this?  is it due to what you are saying about him?

 

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