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Ex and I met up after 6 months apart, discussed old feelings, hooked up and left me feeling confused


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Let's call him A. A and I broke up 6 months ago, the break up was bad, I was depressed for a long time and during these 6 months, he reached out to me twice, to apologize for all he did, that he's thinking about me a lot, and he wanted to meet in person. Both times I shut him down. I was in a relationship with "H" already and didn't think it was appropriate. Also A had hurt my feelings and I felt like meeting up with him wouldn't do any good. 

My relationship with H was nice. He was calm, sweet and patient. He'd care for me and make me feel safe. But there never was that intense chemistry and spark I had with A. With A, I just felt alive. I felt like I had endless amount of love to give. I felt a connection like I've never felt in my life. With H, it was simple and easy going, it was funny and comfortable. So I stayed with H. But never did A leave my mind. I'd cry because of him every once in a while and question if I'd ever be able to move on. 

Fast forward to now, H and I decided to go on a break as we weren't getting along very well. A few days later, I decided to text my ex, A. Saying I wanted to say sorry for a few things and I still thought of him. He instantly replied and said he thought about me too. We met in person and we were sooo happy. We hugged and said we missed each other. We went home and talked and he apologised for everything he did, that he took me for granted, that he thought he was a bit of a narcissist and that back then he cared too much about other girls and social media and that he tried to find what he had with me in other girls but he never did and he thought about me everyday. He said he had this connection years ago with another girl and never again. That he had to grieve the loss of me to learn that I was "amazing" and that chasing other girls is useless. I also made my mistakes during the relationship with him being a bit co-dependent and needy, which we ended up talking about as well. He said he thinks I'm the most amazing girl he's ever met and that he was waiting for the day I'd text him because he couldn't wait to see me. I said I felt the same and we had sex the whole night, our chemistry is insane and I felt like I could almost cry. He had "grown" so much and I could tell he was just different. And I was different as well. "A" was always loving and affectionate. He's calm and sweet and our chemistry is beyond anything I've ever felt with anyone. 

He left the next morning and we decided we were gonna keep talking and "see how it goes". Two days went by and he didn't say anything so I decided to text him and ended up asking him if he had any intentions of us getting back together and all he said was he has strong feelings about me and felt great meeting up with me but still isn't sure if he wants to go through the process of getting back together. That he wants to see how it goes but also when we were breaking up and getting back together 6 months ago, the same thing would happen. We'd spend this amazing weekend together, drinking, laughing, enjoying each other and then on Monday he'd go back to being unsure. This went on for 2 months until I gave him an ultimatum saying I couldn't do it anymore and he said "fine, let's break up then". And so we did. 

So today I told him now that I feel confused, that I don't know how this is heading and I need to understand how he feels. But he kept giving me mixed signals and weird answers, not being very clear which led to more confunsion. Again the same thing, we spend this amazing night together but when we're apart it's back to "let's see how it goes" "not sure if I want to".I feel like such a fool. I can tell that this guy likes me, but why is he never sure? What is missing for him to want to be with me? Why is it that when we're together it's not enough for him? I'm sad here. He says he doesn't want to repeat the same patterns as in the past, fair enough, but if you missed me so much after these 6 months, wouldn't you even want to try? But instead he gave me no opening. No options. Nothing. Just said he's not sure and that he needs to think and analize how things will go (?). I told him even though I love him but I have to move on. After 6 months and saying all of that he still isn't sure, surely he never will be. He left me on read and that was the end of it. I'm so disappointed and heartbroken. 

Upset that even after 6 months I still am madly in love with this guy and would do anything for him, but he still isn't sure even after saying all those things, even after chasing me and wanting to see me.  I decided to cut him off, but my heart hurts so much. I don't understand why one would say all those things but not even try... I feel like he's the most confusing person I've ever met. 

Edited by katmisj
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  • katmisj changed the title to Ex and I met up after 6 months apart, discussed old feelings, hooked up and left me feeling confused

Unfortunately his pattern is clear. Hooking up and not wanting a relationship. That's ok, if you are on board.

It's now entered on/off casual hookups. Why? Because that's all he's ever offered....and still offering.

Seduce, drinking, having fun, having sex. But all on a casual, non-exclusive basis.

If you want a committed BF/relationship, he's not your guy.

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What is so confusing? He wanted sex and made sure to get that. Told you how he changed now and hw you are the most amazing girl ever and all other stuff in order to get that. Otherwise he doesnt really care about you, sorry. He will also come back every time as long as you let him to do that. Only to go away after. Sometimes its not the other side that is confusing, its we who made it like that. In your case, you put on "rose colored glasses" because you have a hots for that guy and cant even see that he is just using you for sex without any commitment. 

Its OK, it happens to everybody. Just saying that you should put "rose colored glasses" away, see it how it is and not make the same mistake again.

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It's a typical fun night with an old flame and some sweet words thrown in.  You chose to have sex with him right away and with no decision to get back together and so you took the risk that he wasn't interested in getting back together -and he saw that you were fine having casual sex.  The sex was great, you had a great time so chalk it up to a night with an old flame.  He may have meant all he said but his actions and your actions showed that you were prioritizing having sex first and discussing any commitment -if any- later.  

I got back together with my ex. Our priorities were to be together in a committed relationship once we each realized we felt a strong spark (but neither of us said this the first three times we met) so we first spent time together platonically, then he asked me if I'd want to get back together, we talked about what that meant -a very very short conversation because if you're on the same page it doesn't take long (we both wanted to see if this time we'd be married and start a family, and we wanted to be exclusive right then).  We did then have romantic times but we actually waited a few months before having sex because we have similar values about sex and waiting to make sure that it's a healthy, stable, loving, committed relationship. 

Our chemistry was through the roof and we waited because of our forever priorities.  I'm glad we did.  I'm glad we talked before being romantic again so we knew we were on the same page.  Chemistry is great.  Being romantic and sexual with someone you're on the same page with and trust and love - wow - unequaled IMHO.  

Casual sex is totally fine.  Having sex right away is totally fine.  Lying to yourself about what it means/could mean is not fine.  You made assumptions without talking with him first - and now you regret it. Remember the fun memories and hopefully if you want a committed relationship you'll know you get attached through casual sex.  I'm sorry you're disappointed. 

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It's only confusing because you are in denial about what's going on.

He sweet talks you to get laid and means absolutely nothing more. When you jump on him about where is this leading, he strings you along with some vague bs because he doesn't want to totally shut you down. Meaning that he wants to leave the door open to get laid again when his dating calendar is too dry and you are easily available, willing, and easy to fool.

If you are looking for him to tell you to get lost in those exact words so you finally get it, he won't do it because he won't close the door on easy to get casual sex. So at some point you need to get your head screwed on straight, accept he is not into you, block him and move on for good.....or keep sleeping with him, getting your hopes up and feeling broken hearted over and over again. Your choice. At some point it really becomes a game of how many times do you need to stick your hand in the fire to accept that it really does burn? Until you lose your hand? You are heading that way.

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6 hours ago, katmisj said:

A and I broke up 6 months ago, the break up was bad, I was depressed for a long time and during these 6 months, he reached out to me twice, to apologize for all he did, that he's thinking about me a lot, and he wanted to meet in person. Both times I shut him down. I was in a relationship with "H" already and didn't think it was appropriate. Also A had hurt my feelings and I felt like meeting up with him wouldn't do any good

You really should not have gotten involved again, so soon 😕 .. You know you were not over A.

H was more like a rebound, right? ( Not yet over the hurt of A and you did not feel any real 'spark' with H ).

Sadly, you did give in to A by reaching out his way again. ( I'm sure deep inside you knew him enough to be aware of HIS actions, causing some uncertainty but you wanted him badly enough you caved).

It happens, he's your weakness.

BUT, now you've been reminded of the damages and his way.. So, you pick yourself back up again and learn from this.  That you are strong and will not go backwards again.

I've had this a couple of times with some long-term relations.  Was hard, yes.  But, for my own good, I knew I could not do it anymore.. but back away and stay away!  It took time time & a lot of inner strength, but I over came it.

Think, deep inside.. ' He's a jerk'.. ' He hurt me!'.  And for a while, you need to 'hate' him!  In order to be strong and stay away now. ( Knowing he is no good for you).

 

6 hours ago, katmisj said:

My relationship with H was nice. He was calm, sweet and patient. He'd care for me and make me feel safe. But there never was that intense chemistry and spark I had with A. With A, I just felt alive. I felt like I had endless amount of love to give. I felt a connection like I've never felt in my life. With H, it was simple and easy going, it was funny and comfortable. So I stayed with H. But never did A leave my mind. I'd cry because of him every once in a while and question if I'd ever be able to move on. 

 Here- you see that you were still way to into A. ( Like I said, H was a rebound).  You were not ready to move on again.. Not with A only being 6 mos out.

Yes, in time you can move on.. but you're still hurting & emotional over A.

You need to feel okay again about this guy and that relationship that's ended.  Do not move on UNTIL you know you're feeling more yourself & no longer crying.  So, don't use anyone to try & get over A.  But, deal with your pains & give yourself some real down time- alone. It may take another 10 mos.. or 2 years.

Best way is No Contact and less you know the better.  A is no good for you, he sounds lost & confused.  he is nowhere near to being 'settled & happy'.  Fine, let him roam!

TC of You now. ❤️ 

It all takes time.  Give yourself that.

 

 

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This is a very painful lesson. I'm so sorry!

but you are destined to repeat it until you realize, you are doing this to yourself. 

You contacted him, he said a bunch of flowery BS, that you were all too happy to hear, believe and accept.  You jumped right in and got stung.

Do you really think a great connection between two people results in mixed feelings?

No. It doesn't. 

You have a one sided connection that he uses against you to meet his sexual urges.

 

Never talk to this guy again. Instead of being confused, you should be pissed! He's playing you.

 

 

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10 hours ago, katmisj said:

back then he cared too much about other girls and social media

"Back then"....all of 6 months ago?

Girl. 

This clown hasn't changed. He just knows how to sweet-talk you into bed. You have to stop falling for it. I can see why you were tempted into thinking he was different, but he's not. 

Stop letting him do this. 

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If he were truly interested in getting back together, he'd never walk away and risk losing you.

At this point he has you right where he wants you, which translates to him scratching that itch when the well runs dry.  It's time to call his bluff and send him packing.  You can do better.

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Wrapped up in all of that sweet talk was that tiny grain of truth that most swindlers will give you if you listen:

14 hours ago, katmisj said:

he thought he was a bit of a narcissist and that ... he cared too much about other girls and social media

Unfortunately, you got really wrapped up in being the prize that no other girl could compare to. You got hooked by your ego and your libido. 

14 hours ago, katmisj said:

why is he never sure?

He's never sure so that he never has to keep his word.

Edited by Jibralta
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Thanks for all the replies! To be honest it comforts me to see I’m not in the wrong here. I got angry at him at some point saying he shouldn’t have said those things if he didn’t want to follow through. He replied saying he wanted to see how we both felt but that he meant all of those things and he’s sorry if he hurt my feelings, but that he feels we’re falling into the same pattern again - like me asking for questions and him wanting to “take things slow”, which to me is BS since we didn’t even agree that we were getting back together. It was all really foggy and confusing. 

What makes me even angrier is that he didn’t even reply to me at all!! We spent the night together and this id*ot couldn’t even bother saying something like: Hey, I understand but I don’t want to continue this. Period. 

But no, he just ghosts me instead. Honestly I don’t even feel sad at this point I just feel sorry for a person that needs to use other people for sex or temporary happiness and the height of his 28 years still acts like he’s 20. 

Even H, with all of our disagreements never once stopped responding, disappeared or acted shady. Goes to show that even if you don’t want to be with the person you do the bare minimum which is reply a message. 
 

I haven’t said anything else other than just that I’m leaving him alone because I can’t stand this indecision anymore, that he can talk to me if he wants to talk to me he can. 

 

Silence after that. 

 

How can the person be so cold and disappear? I’m fuming and so angry at the moment. He’s the worst person I’ve ever met. 
 

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Are you going to let the same thing happen again the next time he's horny? Or are you going to end all contact for good?

You have all the power to put a stop to this. If it happens again you have to take responsibility. He'll only use you if you let him.

 

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Are you going to let the same thing happen again the next time he's horny?

 

Definitely not! This time he seemed so happy to see me. He left a birthday party 30 minutes away from where he was at just to see me, our reencountering was so nice it's almost hard to believe this guy simply ghosted me. 

I'll never forget the moments I shared with him, I feel like I probably won't ever feel this way again towards someone else. It still hurt, I'm still heartbroken, but now I know that after all this time he didn't care about losing me again, then we're never truly gonna be together. 

It's so hard to understand how the person just runs away from conflict like that. 

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5 hours ago, katmisj said:

 I’m fuming and so angry at the moment. He’s the worst person I’ve ever met.

This is good. It means your instincts and self respect are intact.

Use these feelings to make the changes you need.  

Smile as you delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

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1 hour ago, katmisj said:

t's so hard to understand how the person just runs away from conflict like that. 

This isn't about him running away from conflict, really. 

It's about him getting what he wants from you (sex) and then dropping you like a hot potato because he doesn't want more. He shouldn't have done and said these things, to be very clear. But in his small mind, there is no conflict to resolve - he didn't make you any promises and you were happy to have sex again without any commitment. It sucks and I understand why it hurts; however, because he isn't interested in working on things, there isn't anything to resolve with you (from his perspective) 

He should have the decency to respond to you, yes. But let this be your sign that he is not sincere and really doesn't care about you. 

Block this guy so you aren't tempted to get dragged back into this cycle again. 

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10 hours ago, katmisj said:

I just feel sorry for a person that needs to use other people for sex or temporary happiness and the height of his 28 years still acts like he’s 20. 

More like 2, actually. It's 'terrible twos' behavior, and there are people who never ever mature past it. They just get better and better at hiding it. He will act the same way at 56. He will act the same way at 85.

And don't feel sorry for people like this. Their entire life is organized around satisfying themselves, so they tend to do quite well.

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9 hours ago, katmisj said:

I feel like I probably won't ever feel this way again towards someone else.

Yeah, I said the same thing about my ex. Well, guess what? I was wrong. I didn't and I don't still love him. A few years after he dumped me he tried to come back, most recently earlier this year. Both times I said no, not for some kind of power play but because I don't love or want him anymore.

The sooner you walk away from this man who doesn't feel the same way you do the sooner you will stop having those feelings. And soon enough you'll wonder why you thought you loved someone like him.

Edited by boltnrun
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8 hours ago, Jibralta said:

And don't feel sorry for people like this. Their entire life is organized around satisfying themselves, so they tend to do quite well.

Yes, this. 

I think he's chugging along just fine, speaking from an emotional standpoint. 

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Thank you once again for all the replies! 

I'll say it still stings. Being left on read, not having a closure. He was my ex, not a random guy, he was the one I shared a lot of days with and spent time together building a life. And I didn't even deserve an answer...? Nothing?

But like my therapist said: What closure were you expecting? Any kind of closure except for getting back together - which is what you wanted - would've left you frustrated and sad. So maybe it's for the best that he didn't reply at all. And don't waste your energy sending any more messages, because he doesn't care. 

And at the end, I feel like I needed this. In the back of my mind I've always wondered what it would be like if we met again. I always fantasised about us getting back together when both of us were more mature and older. I've always had this feeling that he was the love of my life. And to be honest, I've never felt anywhere close to this to anyone. Yes I've fallen in love, but this type of love was something else. 

But after seeing him and it being so magic to me and then him not caring at all about me, to just ignore me and pretend like this never happened just made it all seem... fake? Ever since I've known him, he's overly nice to everyone, friends and such, but never seems to grow too attached to anyone. He just sees them as friends when it's convenient.

Deep deep down, it still hurts. Deep down, I wish it would've been different. Deep down, I wish we could be together because the way I felt when I was with him was something I can't even describe. Deep down I still fear one day I'll see him with someone else and wish it were me. Deep down I feel like I'll always remember about him and feel nostalgic about the days with him I wish would freeze in time. 

But also I see this as a new beginning. Ever since he left my life, I've been unhappy, depressed and my life has lost color. After this, I feel like I'm starting to slowly feel alive again. I'm working towards healing and respecting myself more and understanding that feelings aren't everything. I hope this new chapter brings me more joy and happiness. I think I deserve it. 

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6 hours ago, katmisj said:

Deep down I still fear one day I'll see him with someone else and wish it were me. Deep down I feel like I'll always remember about him and feel nostalgic about the days with him I wish would freeze in time. 

I think that with more time and more life experience, you'll come to realize his true place in this world (which is 'charming bottomfeeder), and realize that you are so much better off without him. You'll see him on the street with someone else and you'll feel a deep sense of relief that you're free from his grasp.

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