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Ex said this recently - sign of him wanting to improve?


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Guest Anonymous

We broke up a year ago. He said he recognises his faults and wants to learn and grow. This was a surprise as he's apologised for his mistakes but not to this effect. Would you say this to someone you didn't want to better for them? 

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Guest Anonymous
58 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

We broke up a year ago. He said he recognises his faults and wants to learn and grow. 

How long were you dating? How old is he?

It depends on why you broke up. Are either of you in other relationships?

Was he just dumped by someone?

What "faults" is he recognizing? Was he cheating? Abusive? Drinking too much?

What is the reason you're still talking after a year? Do you work or go to school together?

What exactly, does he want to "learn"?

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Guest Anonymous
50 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

How long were you dating? How old is he?

It depends on why you broke up. Are either of you in other relationships?

Was he just dumped by someone?

What "faults" is he recognizing? Was he cheating? Abusive? Drinking too much?

What is the reason you're still talking after a year? Do you work or go to school together?

What exactly, does he want to "learn"?

In his mid 30s, we dated for a year. No he didn't cheat, wasn't abusive or drank but he just wasn't very committed and 'there'. We both have not been in relationships since. No specific reason for still talking. 

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Guest Anonymous
49 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

In his mid 30s, we dated for a year. he just wasn't very committed and 'there'. 

Do you mean he didn't want to be exclusive or he didn't want to get engaged, married, live together?

Who ended things and why? Why the sudden epiphany that he wants to "learn and grow"?

Sometimes exes return because they're having a dry spell sexually and feign wanting to reconcile.

Whatever incompatibilities existed, still exist. Make sure you don't waste another year in an on/off situation.

 

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Guest Anonymous
2 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Do you mean he didn't want to be exclusive or he didn't want to get engaged, married, live together?

Who ended things and why? Why the sudden epiphany that he wants to "learn and grow"?

Sometimes exes return because they're having a dry spell sexually and feign wanting to reconcile.

Whatever incompatibilities existed, still exist. Make sure you don't waste another year in an on/off situation.

 

None of that really. We wanted the same things. He was just focused on his last year exams and neglected a lot of basic things in our relationship, e.g making effort. I think it solely ended because I was getting frustrated, causing conflict and potentially pushing him away. I tried to end it, couldn't go through with my decision and then he finally pulled the plug a few months later. At the time, he based it on on the fact we handed conflict differently. 

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Guest Anonymous

To me it seems like he saw he couldnt do better and now wants to come back. Whether you take him is up to you.

As for your initial question, I highly doubt anything will change now. People promise all kinds of things in hopes of getting back together, how they will change now is probably highest on top of that list. Just because he said it doesnt mean he would actually do it, especially so soon. Especially when he didnt make an effort at the start of the relationship when something like that is at probably highest rate due to desire of both sides to look good in others eyes. People rarely change. They adapt a bit, but rarely change who they are. So again, its up to you if you believe him he would change but I would say its slim chance for that.

Kwothe28

Sorry, just didnt want to brake "Anonymous" streak of OP and Wiseman lol

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Guest Anonymous
2 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

To me it seems like he saw he couldnt do better and now wants to come back. Whether you take him is up to you.

As for your initial question, I highly doubt anything will change now. People promise all kinds of things in hopes of getting back together, how they will change now is probably highest on top of that list. Just because he said it doesnt mean he would actually do it, especially so soon. Especially when he didnt make an effort at the start of the relationship when something like that is at probably highest rate due to desire of both sides to look good in others eyes. People rarely change. They adapt a bit, but rarely change who they are. So again, its up to you if you believe him he would change but I would say its slim chance for that.

Kwothe28

Sorry, just didnt want to brake "Anonymous" streak of OP and Wiseman lol

I think your advice is incredibly pragmatic, thank you. 

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Words are nice.  What specific actions has he taken, what specific actions does he plan to take -what are his intermediate goals in self improvement and his end goal?  I wouldn't look for signs or read tea leaves. I'd look at concrete actions and if it's words then words that commit to specific actions with a timeline and goals.

Reminds me of a friend who about three years ago made a New Years resolution that this was going to be her year and she had a goal to focus on finding herself a new career path, a new job.  She was passionate in how she wrote to me about it but it had no specific first steps, plans etc.  Three years ago.  She hasn't been employed at all in those three years.  I never heard her speak of her goal again and never heard of her applying for any job or preparing a resume, etc.

But she is very committed to working out and physical fitness - and it shows in her actions and persistence. People show through their actions what really matters to them.

Edited by Batya33
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Hasn't it been over a year or even more that you've been wondering about this?

You've been advised multiple times to move on from this limbo you put yourself in but you keep holding on. Why, I'm not sure since this ex has never said he wants to get back together.

Aren't you getting tired of waiting for nothing? You're so young. No need to keep wasting your life waiting for someone who doesn't want what you want.

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Went through the same thing with my ex.   It's great to be told everything you want to hear, but unless it's backed up with actions it's just noise.

After buying into it several times, in the end when he said he'd do better, I'd tell him "ok, show me"  In other words just making empty promises wouldn't work anymore.  I was wanting time and actions in order for me to trust it would ever happen.  In turn he's get mad I didn't roll over when he merely made the promise.  Mad at the fact they he might actually have to do the work. . . .Change never happened.

What helped me was to visualize that I had ear plugs in.  That I couldn't hear anything he was saying and it's place I had to solely focus on his actions.  The two never added up.

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Yup, action to show it.

You two broke up for reasons.  Unless those issue's can be resolved, nothing will change/improve.

IF you want to give this another go is up to you.

But, things may be too far gone now, so take it easy.  In time you'll see IF he's any better.

 

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Guest Anonymous
20 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Yup, action to show it.

You two broke up for reasons.  Unless those issue's can be resolved, nothing will change/improve.

IF you want to give this another go is up to you.

But, things may be too far gone now, so take it easy.  In time you'll see IF he's any better.

 

Thank you. I have decided to not respond, and would think if he's that adamant of changing and wanting to impress me about that, I assume he would start chasing and being a bit more significant with his intentions. 

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36 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Thank you. I have decided to not respond, and would think if he's that adamant of changing and wanting to impress me about that, I assume he would start chasing and being a bit more significant with his intentions. 

I wouldn't think chasing would be a positive sign at all -do you want him to chase you? If he was adamant about changing he would tell you his specific plans and the steps he is taking today, right now. I don't really get the vague "significant with his intentions" -if someone wants to be with you it's actually pretty simple -they don't have to be significant or even have intentions.  They simply have to act it. Like, telling you what he has done and will do to change plus asking to meet with you -maybe take a walk or something low key so you can talk more.  It's really simple when two people want to be together the communication of it and the follow up actions are really simple.  

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Guest Anonymous
5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't think chasing would be a positive sign at all -do you want him to chase you? If he was adamant about changing he would tell you his specific plans and the steps he is taking today, right now. I don't really get the vague "significant with his intentions" -if someone wants to be with you it's actually pretty simple -they don't have to be significant or even have intentions.  They simply have to act it. Like, telling you what he has done and will do to change plus asking to meet with you -maybe take a walk or something low key so you can talk more.  It's really simple when two people want to be together the communication of it and the follow up actions are really simple.  

I think what you said is what I meant in terms of chasing. Chasing up to see me and just simply talk. Thank you.

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7 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I think what you said is what I meant in terms of chasing. Chasing up to see me and just simply talk. Thank you.

What I wrote is not about chasing at all.  If you have to chase him or he has to chase you to "win you over" there's something very wrong in the relationship and dynamic.

Do you want him to talk -or act?

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Guest Anonymous
12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What I wrote is not about chasing at all.  If you have to chase him or he has to chase you to "win you over" there's something very wrong in the relationship and dynamic.

Do you want him to talk -or act?

I want him to act, most definitely. But ideally talk (initiate to see me) and then act. 

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Guest Anonymous
On 11/16/2021 at 5:09 AM, Guest Anonymous said:

He was just focused on his last year exams and neglected a lot of basic things in our relationship, e.g making effort. I think it solely ended because I was getting frustrated, causing conflict and potentially pushing him away. he finally pulled the plug a few months later. At the time, he based it on on the fact we handed conflict differently. 

Perhaps it's best to leave the past in the past rather than keep expecting him to change and 'chase'.

He just doesn't seem that interested.

It seems you are still incompatible and still handle differences poorly.

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3 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I want him to act, most definitely. But ideally talk (initiate to see me) and then act. 

Yes, but just consider that your perspective of chasing kind of messes with the dynamic of a healthy relationship.  Initiating a plan to see someone is simply that.  It's not a game and not chasing. My sense is this is mostly a waste of time.

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On 11/15/2021 at 8:41 PM, Guest Anonymous said:

We broke up a year ago. He said he recognises his faults and wants to learn and grow. This was a surprise as he's apologised for his mistakes but not to this effect. Would you say this to someone you didn't want to better for them? 

Talk is cheap.  Actions speak louder than words. 

Questions are really posed at you.  Due to your history with him, is he the trustworthy type?  Or, is he just a talker who never follows through with what he says?  Is he a habitually bad person or does he have foibles you're willing to accept and tolerate? 

The bottom line is this:  Are you willing to take a chance and gamble to take him back into your life or do you not wish to risk another failure with him? 

To me, it really depends on the offense.  If it was relatively minor, then generally I give people a second chance if they are remorseful and sincerely apologize.  If they have a track record of being un-fixable and hopeless, then I give up on them easily and go our separate ways permanently.  I don't waste my time and energy on people if I know there will be predictable repeats and abnormal patterns in the relationship. 

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