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He found out he probably has ADHD


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So my ex and I dated for 3 years and split up a year ago. It was a long distance relationship and 70% of the time things were pretty amazing, we were very much soulmates. However that 30% was made up with irrational behaviour, sudden tantrums, forgetting dates and plans, being quite mentally absent sometimes and him not being very ambitious / motivated. When we started dating I had never met anyone who was so head over heels for me, I really felt he could have done literally anything for me, but two years in and over the pandemic things got a lot harder, and he was generally less enthusiastic. We never stopped loving each other but we both recognised love wasn’t enough to sustain the relationship, so we went our separate ways. But fast forward a year and now we are talking again and he found out he might have ADHD, and it looks like that’s where many of the issues in our relationship arouse upon him reflecting. However as good as things are speaking to him again, he still hasn’t been prescribed medication, so I am still quite hesitate that a lot of the same issues will arise, but I also now feel quite bad that things I got upset about are tied to his ADHD.

A part of me feels us being aware of the condition may change things if we decide to get back together, but is that enough? I feel like the better case scenario will be for him to get medication but I can’t really force him to. I don’t know if its selfish of me to not want to get back together without him adjusting to this information, but I will still like to support him because I am still very much in love with him, I just don’t know how to give that support. I don’t know if this is dramatic but I almost feel like couples have one good shot at a second chance and I almost don’t want to jump into it without making sure we have both grown enough.

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In your shoes, I guess I'd let our discussions teach me whether the guy intends to bring an improved effort--and then shows me by walking his talk, or whether he's pointing to his diagnosis as an excuse to mistreat freely.

The rest would be irrelevant until I learn these things.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

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It's the 30% which should give you pause to think that your ex is an ex for a reason. 

Are you willing to give him another chance or do you not want to risk disappointment in the future? 

It's not dramatic.  If you don't know or if you hesitate plunging into a relationship with him as a boyfriend, then perhaps your gut instincts and intuition are telling you to be better safe than sorry.  It's your call. 

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5 hours ago, Dee_a said:

. It was a long distance relationship .was made up with irrational behaviour, sudden tantrums, forgetting dates and plans, being quite mentally absent sometimes and him not being very ambitious / motivated. 

How often do you see each other in person? Why is it long distance?

How old is he?

Keep in mind that whatever diagnosis he tells you he has coexists with his abusive bad behaviors rather than causes it.

You broke up for  reasons. Those reasons are still there.

Distance bad treatment and bad behaviors.

End it. You've outgrown each other and on/off relationships are as bad as distance relationships.

"Second time" means you're incompatible but overattached.

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7 hours ago, Dee_a said:

he found out he might have ADHD

What does this mean, exactly? Did a doctor or other medical professional suggest this, or is this his own assumption? Has there been a formal diagnosis?

And most importantly, is he following up with treatment?

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2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What does this mean, exactly? Did a doctor or other medical professional suggest this, or is this his own assumption? Has there been a formal diagnosis?

And most importantly, is he following up with treatment?

I don’t think there has been a formal diagnosis, that’s why I’m very unsure. However based on a medical opinion, the psychiatrist did say it sounds like ADHD. And no he isn’t following up with any treatment. 

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27 minutes ago, Dee_a said:

I don’t think there has been a formal diagnosis, that’s why I’m very unsure. However based on a medical opinion, the psychiatrist did say it sounds like ADHD. And no he isn’t following up with any treatment. 

Is doesn't matter if there is or isn't a diagnosis or "medical opinion" on it.

His outrageous abusive behaviors is what you need to focus on.

You're hoping that aha! Now I know why he's so horrible. It's a disease.

But your focus needs to be on whether you are treated with respect or not. Abusers often play victim.

Dating is not social work and googling his latest faux "disease" won't make his poor treatment and utter disrespect for you disappear.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Date local decent men who respect you and treat you well.

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2 hours ago, Dee_a said:

I don’t think there has been a formal diagnosis, that’s why I’m very unsure. However based on a medical opinion, the psychiatrist did say it sounds like ADHD. And no he isn’t following up with any treatment. 

Then it would be hard pass for me, without any hesitation. 

 

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Unless he is medicated ( and been on it a while) and has actually changed in a good way, No.

Nothing would have changed with this guy, so it will all end up the same way.

When a couple breaks up for reasons, unless those issue's have been dealt with, it won't change.

So, is maybe best to keep your distance and stay there.  And as mentioned, maybe give it some time to be completely over him, then date guys a little closer.

 

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Whose "medical opinion"? Whose psychiatrist? His? Or yours?

When you say "long distance" do you mean online only? Or did you two spend time together in person regularly? And by in person I mean physically in the same place, not over an electronic device.

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7 hours ago, Dee_a said:

I don’t think there has been a formal diagnosis, that’s why I’m very unsure. However based on a medical opinion, the psychiatrist did say it sounds like ADHD. And no he isn’t following up with any treatment. 

Sounds like blowing smoke and excuses. Regardless, what's in bold is all you need to know to walk away from this - he is still the same person without any plans to work on himself. Even if he was working on himself, I'd say give him at least a year before you even think about seeing if he is better. 

Also, ADHD does not make a person mean or abusive. You can be the kindest person in the world and have ADHD or you can be an abusive psycho and have ADHD. These are independent factors and you should never ever tolerate abusive behaviors from anyone in the name of "they are ill."

Edited by DancingFool
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