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8 moths of dating. Should I end it?


RosieJ
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I’m 30 and my guy is 33. We both don’t have children and never been married. We started casually dating 8 months ago, going on dates and spending time in the house on the weekends. We never made it official because I honestly didn’t want to commit right away because I wasn’t fully invested in him due to him being distant. He has a military style attitude and doesn’t like to express his feelings. Although we date often, there is little communication in between dates. I explained my concerns and we started to talk a little more but after 8 months we still can’t commit to talking everyday. I’m at the point where I’m ready for a commitment and every time I try to bring it up he runs from the conversation. Honestly I’m not sure if I want to commit to HIM,  he checks off some things I want in a partner but the most important thing I want a man to have  Is good personality. He’s a nice guy but he’s distant. He doesn’t tell me how he feels or never express if he wants to make things exclusive. He also disappears whenever we have small disagreements or doesn’t get his way. He deals with that by walking away,  calls and try to make up 2 days later, and it has beeen a pattern of his. I know no one is perfect But I think these are major red flags. I’m at the point where I want to walk away because there’s no reason why I should have relationship problems with someone I’m not officially with. I think he likes the non spoken understanding we have and doesn’t want more but insist that I still see him every time I try to leave. I’m torn as if I should try to be more vocal and explain to him how I really feel or should I just take his behavior as he’s not interested in anything more and walk away. I’m honestly tired of dating. Before him I was single for two years, I use to go on dates here and there but he’s the only guy ive gotten Physical with and connected with more. 

friends/family tell me to give it more time because I’m almost 31 and In a Caribbean household you need to be married and with 3 children by my age lol and that’s why I kept trying but it’s exhausting and I’m not even getting the full him.

Please don’t judge me for what I’m saying next: Honestly I’m scared to be single for another 2 years and have to get to know someone and see if we match or not. Especially coming from a doctors appointment where they telling me if I don’t plan on having children soon then I should have to freeze my eggs!! I know most women will understand we do have a biological clock ticking and to be completely honest I’ve thought about just trying to make it work with him cause i do think he’ll be eventually commit he just won’t do it now. And me I’m not sure about him. So we both still trying to figure it out but it’s been 8 months and no real progress. We both have doubts. Should I end it ? 

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He lacks emotional intelligence (empathy). 

He's not a good conversationalist.   

Don't be concerned about your friends and family's expectations of you.  You need to live your own life.  Don't rush into marriage and bearing 3 children just because your culture expects and demands this of you.  You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you do.

It's scarier being with the wrong man and more lonely being with the wrong man than being single with less stress from a man who will give you a miserable life. 

If there's no progress after 8 months, there will be no progress 8 months from now.  You can't change him.  He is who he is.  Should you end it?  How much patience and tolerance do you have?  There's your answer.

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When I was 32 and wanted children but not outside of a happy marriage I couldn't freeze my eggs- at that time, 23 years ago, only embryos were viable for freezing. So yes I suggest you freeze your eggs- I know a number of women who have.  

Please don't settle -imagine having a child with a man who disappears whenever you have a disagreement? 

I don't recommend how I did things as far as baby-making only because it was risky/last chance. We married at 42, started trying to conceive a few months before I turned 41.  My one and only pregnancy.  Had our baby a few months after marriage and he's now watching inane YouTube videos like many tweens and my husband and I are 55 married over a dozen years.  I didn't settle.  We are together, we are happy, we are each other's "one".

So I had to risk all sorts of issues with my "geriatric" pregnancy.  The emotional stress wasn't fun.  At all.  It all worked out beautifully. But I'll trade that stress for waiting till I became the right person to find the right person.  I was extremely proactive for many years in husband hunting so just passively waiting for your prince- especially in your 30s -not a good plan if you want the chance to have a biological child.

And please try to tune out your family -such nonsense.

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3 hours ago, RosieJ said:

We never made it official because I honestly didn’t want to commit right away because I wasn’t fully invested in him due to him being distant.

If you don't want to be 80 by the time you meet someone who meets ALL of your must-haves, cut off guys with what should be dealbreakers like the one you mentioned, as soon as you see the dealbreaker. You're just wasting time with someone like this while you're letting the opportunity slip by to date someone who treats you the way you want to be treated.

It usually does take dating a boatload of people to find that special one who treats you how you should be treated. I don't know what you've been doing to meet men, but maybe look into other avenues you haven't tried before to meet quality men.

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He wont commit because he is fine with the arrangement. He see you casually every now and then, probably has sex over weekend and that is it. Why should he commit when he gets everything he wants from you either way? If he commits he would have to be serious about you, to talk to you and not just go away and come whenever he wants and stuff like that. Like this, he can casually do whatever he wants. All he has to do is to plead you to stay after you threaten to leave and you indulge it because of your fear of being alone.

In a situations like that, yes, you should leave. You want more, he doesnt. You are not that old, in fact, you are probably in prime years for serious dating where you are already established as a person and know what she wants from dating. That guy, he isnt that. He will only drag you along further. You lost 8 months there while you could spend those 8 months to find somebody who would treat you way better then just a casual thing.

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5 hours ago, RosieJ said:

he checks off some things I want in a partner but the most important thing

This would say it all for me. I'd rather be alone with optimism that I'm free to find my RIGHT match someday than sell out for less than I want and deserve just to meet some arbitrary timeline--from people who are NOT living my love life FOR me.

Skip the pressure you're putting on yourself to cater to anyone else's calendar. Love yourself enough to believe that you are valid and worthy on your own, and hold out for the RIGHT partner. Because if you don't love yourself enough to get that--and relax into it--then nobody else will be able to love your enough to make you happy, either.

Trust your gut. That's your first and foundational message to your Self that you are on your own side, and you will thank your Self later.

Head high.

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6 hours ago, RosieJ said:

. So we both still trying to figure it out but it’s been 8 months and no real progress. We both have doubts. Should I end it ? 

Sorry this is happening. Yes end it. You're unhappy and it's stalled out in limbo.

The sooner you end things the sooner you'll find someone more compatible.

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So what you're talking about is "settling" but the thing is that when people settle for someone, that person actually wants something serious with them. Usually when someone just settles, it's a term used when one person is really into the other person but the other one isn't on the same level.

In this case, I hate to say it but you can't settle for someone who's barely even interested in you. He doesn't communicate much and doesn't want to actually make your relationship official after eight months. He WON'T commit. What you see here is what you get. This is his personality and exactly who he is, he won't change. And on top of that he doesn't actually seem that invested in you.

If you're really worried about your biological clock then at least you should settle for a nice guy who really likes you. I think the guy you're dating now is basically a dead end.

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13 hours ago, RosieJ said:

cause i do think he’ll be eventually commit

I don't think so, Rosie. 

He's making it very clear with his behaviour that he doesn't want to commit to you. So waiting and hoping he wants to marry and have kids is pointless and a massive time-waster. 

He can't even commit to more regular talking after 8 months, for heaven's sake. Imagine how long it could take for him to commit to a lifetime together - years, if ever. 

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16 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

He lacks emotional intelligence (empathy). 

He's not a good conversationalist.   

Don't be concerned about your friends and family's expectations of you.  You need to live your own life.  Don't rush into marriage and bearing 3 children just because your culture expects and demands this of you.  You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you do.

It's scarier being with the wrong man and more lonely being with the wrong man than being single with less stress from a man who will give you a miserable life. 

If there's no progress after 8 months, there will be no progress 8 months from now. 

Yes, I agree with Cheryl.

What you see is what you get here.  And you don't like it.

And one should never act out with pressures from other's.  This is your life.  If you're not happy & comfortable with your partner don't even think it.

My brother took a good break from dating ( almost 10 yrs) and did not marry until almost 40.  Is good he never rushed anything. And he married a woman he knew was for him.

So, don't do something you'll regret in this.  You know you two are different and you're not happy with this.

Then get out of it now.  And give yourself some more time to work on getting to know other's.

Do what YOU want & act when YOU feel comfortable.

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Move on. There's a difference between diffusing an argument and being with someone you trust and respect or are on the same wavelength on and coming back to an issue the next day and completely walking away high and dry hands in the air giving up mid-conversation. Decide which of the two you both seem to keep having. I also think that if you've told him about your eggs or health issues someone is more prone to be wary around you, that you have ulterior motives and have difficulty finding independence enjoyable. Being with him then is a need rather than a want and that is rarely attractive. 

Do freeze your eggs privately. This is a private endeavour you do for yourself so that you have peace of mind. 

Second, if this man isn't what you want in a partner, don't be afraid to find better.

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  • 3 months later...

Don’t settle. It won’t make you happy. You never mentioned the L word and this relationship doesn’t fulfil you. I totally understand your concerns about wanting a baby but that being the case (and as has ready been said) don’t waste your time on this guy.

I had a baby at 37 btw. 

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2 hours ago, RosieJ said:

Thank you all for your responses. I took time to read each (all) answers at least twice lol. Happy to say I broke it off completely with the guy right after New Year. It’s been almost two months since the break up and I’m very happy and secure in my decision. Taking this time to better my mind, myself, and hopefully meet the right one soon. 

Well I went and did it again!

Note to self: Finish the thread before replying! 
 

You obviously made the right choice. Take a deep breath and enjoy this time to yourself. You have definitely done the right thing.

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2 hours ago, RosieJ said:

I broke it off completely with the guy right after New Year. It’s been almost two months since the break up and I’m very happy and secure in my decision. Taking this time to better my mind, myself, and hopefully meet the right one soon. 

You did the right thing. If you had stayed with him, you'd have no chance of meeting the right one!

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1 hour ago, melancholy123 said:

Dont settle.  You will never be happy and fulfilled if you do.  It will fail.  Sat goodbye to him and take your time finding someone more appropriate.

She posted earlier today that she ended it.

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