Unfortunately Money Is A Factor

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Except for those of us who started out together both very early 20’s in school with nothing to our names. 😉

Except for those of us who treat people as individuals where a spouse is not some sort of prize or trophy. I assumed I wanted someone with compatible values.
To me that included educational and financial values. It did not include valuing owning a home or living a suburban lifestyle but it did involve valuing having one parent be a full time parent for longer than maternity leave.  My husband and I match in all these ways.  I never needed to assume what “men” wanted.  
 

I knew what I wanted and I knew men were typically more visual than women and I knew men typically disliked - in a traditional relationship- a woman who couldn’t take off her professional hat and insisted on taking the lead much as she did at work. But in general a focus on compatible values and individual chemistry and passion and rapport  and clicking - with the individual person - avoids most of the tired stereotypes and cliches. 

[Fudgie]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I knew men typically disliked - in a traditional relationship- a woman who couldn’t take off her professional hat and insisted on taking the lead much as she did at work.

This has been my experience too, sadly. I wish it weren't this way but it is. 

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, waffle said:

One of the biggest mistakes people make is assuming that the same things are important to men and women when looking for a partner.

Generally, men are looking for someone physically attractive and youthful.  Women care about status and resources.  Therefore, it's not at all unusual for a woman to think she has to have a better job/make more money to attract a successful man, and men assume they need to be better looking or have a better physique to attract a hot woman, because they think what is important to them is important to the opposite sex also.  Statistics simply do not bear this out.  Take a look at who gets the best-looking women--it's often the older, not necessarily attractive, but rich, men.  You don't see those moneyed men chasing after the older, rich widows, do you? (although the young, broke, unemployed men often will).  You also won't see exceptionally attractive young women focusing exclusively on attractive but broke men--maybe to look at, but not to partner with. 

If a man has enough money, his looks won't matter.  If a woman is hot enough, her job/finances won't matter.  Facts.

Well in terms of women being hot...Most people are not hot, most people are just average. So a lot of women don't get to have a rich guy. I think that's a fact too. So OP needs to be realistic in who she can actually have.

[dias]

7 minutes ago, Fudgie said:

This has been my experience too, sadly. I wish it weren't this way but it is. 

A guy who has money can get many girls, a woman who has money can't get any guys, unfair world huh? lol One of the times it's good to be a guy. 

I am pretty sure you can find a guy who would like to be a stay at home partner. Maybe not the cream of guys but hey greed isn't good lol

 

[Fudgie]

18 minutes ago, dias said:

A guy who has money can get many girls, a woman who has money can't get any guys, unfair world huh? lol One of the times it's good to be a guy. 

I am pretty sure you can find a guy who would like to be a stay at home partner. Maybe not the cream of guys but hey greed isn't good lol

 

Oh trust me, tons of men would love to stay at home. The issue is that the vast majority of them want children (hard no) and/or they aren't domestic and won't actually tend to the house and chores. If I'm the sole breadwinner, I am not doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Fair's fair.

Lots of men want a woman with money to leech off of. But I won't tolerate making all the money AND having to do household stuff so at this point, it's easier to stay single and just pay someone else to do it for me. Maybe I'm actually saving money in the end. I grew up in a well-off setting and have met a lot of guys from rich families but they are still more traditional and I would be expected to drop down in my career, no doubt. 

I bring this up to OP because as they say, you don't get something for nothing. If you want a rich guy, you better be of his caliber and/or be a bombshell. Statistically, the woman will take on the lionshare of the household duties, even if she has a good career too. 

Just be prepared. 

[Batya33]

Fudgie I think you’re right that women end up doing the lions share but I also think some women don’t want to cede control to the man when it comes to domestic stuff.

And some women take on unnecessary  work - which husband didn’t ask for -which they categorize as housework like interior decorating or unnecessary renovations to keep up with the joneses or elaborate baking for the holidays.  or months and months decorating a nursery or concocting themes for the various gender reveal or baby naming or baby showers.  And buying all the particular supplies from all different  vendors 
If they enjoy that sort of thing that’s cool but it doesn’t count as the sort of housework a spouse should be expected to contribute to. 

Yes in general the mom is the list keeper and the soap dispenser filler and the towel replacer complete with the cleaning schedules and the prep person for school and backpacks etc.  

[Fudgie]

Ohhh that's what you meant, Batya, my bad! And yes, I agree, what you describe is not desirable for anyone, really. 

I just want a male June Cleaver 😭

[Cherylyn]

53 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Except for those of us who treat people as individuals where a spouse is not some sort of prize or trophy. I assumed I wanted someone with compatible values.
To me that included educational and financial values. It did not include valuing owning a home or living a suburban lifestyle but it did involve valuing having one parent be a full time parent for longer than maternity leave.  My husband and I match in all these ways.  I never needed to assume what “men” wanted.  
 

I knew what I wanted and I knew men were typically more visual than women and I knew men typically disliked - in a traditional relationship- a woman who couldn’t take off her professional hat and insisted on taking the lead much as she did at work. But in general a focus on compatible values and individual chemistry and passion and rapport  and clicking - with the individual person - avoids most of the tired stereotypes and cliches. 

I wholeheartedly agree with compatible values which includes education, career, finances and I'll take it a step further with faith, religion or lack thereof, where to reside whether as apartment tenants, condo or in a suburban neighborhood. 

I also agree regarding the stay at home parent decision as well. 

Of course, money is important in order to afford a very comfortable lifestyle and money gives you choices. 

Keep in mind, money doesn't buy you character so pay very close attention to character.  I've known men (since we're referring to men here with this topic), who had most boxes checked regarding money except character.  Or, there are decent men who can't bring home the bacon.   

If you're seeking men who are high income earners and know how to treat women (and others) with respect, you have to elevate yourself in their rank and status.  "Birds of a feather flock together." 

I didn't find my husband where all of my rejects were.  For example during my previous dreadful full time night shift job years.  I thought that's how all men were.  I also thought all men were reminiscent of some of my relatives and their friends.  Since I felt so disgusted, I simply gave up in the dating world altogether.  Therefore, I focused and concentrated on myself ONLY.  I ascended in my career, was on the fast track and going places in life.  Then without trying, suddenly I garnered attention from men who were in the upwardly mobile set as well.  My social circle expanded from zero to 100+.  By this time, I could afford to become very selective, picky and choosy.  I wanted it all and I wasn't about to settle for mediocrity.  No way.  Been there done that.  I wanted better than where I came from.   

OP, boozybunny83, if I can do it, you can, too.

Every successful married couple within my social circle married well from both sides.  It's all about demographics and socioeconomics as well as observing character, what both of you value in marriage, family, lifestyle and overall stability and security. 

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Except for those of us who started out together both very early 20’s in school with nothing to our names. 😉

Same here.  What I saw in my husband was potential.  I knew we were both ascending up and up and we did.  It took years to prosper and we made it happen. 🙂

Our first apartment was next to a freeway.  My kitchen was so tiny.  It was on the second floor of an apartment building and that apartment was so small. 

Then we moved into a two bedroom condo which wasn't much better because it was near fraternity row. ☹️  (We married after college.) 

Next, we moved into our first starter house which was not far from a major street, railroad tracks and freeway.  We renovated that little 3 bedroom house and sold it for a sizeable profit. 

We did the same for several houses thereafter and continued to move up in the world. 

We have two amazing sons. 

We have other sources of income courtesy of tips from my very affluent FIL (father-in-law) and MIL (mother-in-law).   

It doesn't matter where you're from.  What matters is where you're going in life. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Seraphim]

11 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Same here.  What I saw in my husband was potential.  I knew we were both ascending up and up and we did.  It took years to prosper and we made it happen. 🙂

Our first apartment was next to a freeway.  My kitchen was so tiny.  It was on the second floor of an apartment building and that apartment was so small. 

Then we moved into a two bedroom condo which wasn't much better because it was near fraternity row. ☹️  (We married after college.) 

Next, we moved into our first starter house which was not far from a major street, railroad tracks and freeway.  We renovated that little 3 bedroom house and sold it for a sizeable profit. 

We did the same for several houses thereafter and continued to move up in the world. 

We have two amazing sons. 

We have other sources of income courtesy of tips from my very affluent FIL (father-in-law) and MIL (mother-in-law).   

It doesn't matter where you're from.  What matters is where you're going in life. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That is the thing potential. I knew he had some if he could get past his upbringing and anxiety. 
 

We are now I would say solid middle class/ upper middle class , but we started with zero in University. We too married after University. He was 24 years old and we had already been together almost 5 years. So we  like you guys too climbed the long hill together . I would say we are equally attractive to each other . We are equally intelligent, he has climbed higher than I have and make the most money but I have devoted a lot to my son in time and effort . 

[Capricorn3]

Looks like the OP has left the building.

[Batya33]

49 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I wholeheartedly agree with compatible values which includes education, career, finances and I'll take it a step further with faith, religion or lack thereof, where to reside whether as apartment tenants, condo or in a suburban neighborhood. 

I also agree regarding the stay at home parent decision as well. 

Of course, money is important in order to afford a very comfortable lifestyle and money gives you choices. 

Keep in mind, money doesn't buy you character so pay very close attention to character.  I've known men (since we're referring to men here with this topic), who had most boxes checked regarding money except character.  Or, there are decent men who can't bring home the bacon.   

If you're seeking men who are high income earners and know how to treat women (and others) with respect, you have to elevate yourself in their rank and status.  "Birds of a feather flock together." 

I didn't find my husband where all of my rejects were.  For example during my previous dreadful full time night shift job years.  I thought that's how all men were.  I also thought all men were reminiscent of some of my relatives and their friends.  Since I felt so disgusted, I simply gave up in the dating world altogether.  Therefore, I focused and concentrated on myself ONLY.  I ascended in my career, was on the fast track and going places in life.  Then without trying, suddenly I garnered attention from men who were in the upwardly mobile set as well.  My social circle expanded from zero to 100+.  By this time, I could afford to become very selective, picky and choosy.  I wanted it all and I wasn't about to settle for mediocrity.  No way.  Been there done that.  I wanted better than where I came from.   

OP, boozybunny83, if I can do it, you can, too.

Every successful married couple within my social circle married well from both sides.  It's all about demographics and socioeconomics as well as observing character, what both of you value in marriage, family, lifestyle and overall stability and security. 

Lol people who live in apartments and rent certainly regard that apartment as their home. I grew up in an apartment. Lived in several later.  Live in one now with my husband and son. Never lived in a house and suburban life - other than lovely visits to friends and family - likely would involve me needing therapy to cope lol.never wanted more space either   For several reasons  - and yes we can afford tons more space  

I’ve never ever referred to our living situation as “apartment tenants” just like you don’t refer to your situation as “house dwellers”.  We have a home.  I grew up in a home.  Where I grew up was a co op my parents owned. my mother still does - bought in the 1960s.  She loves it. 
 

You’ve referenced this type of living situation in this seemingly inferior way and dismissively as if people who reside in apartments are merely tenants and don’t consider themselves to reside in a home and or to be raising a family in a home just like you or anyone who chooses to reside in a home they own rather than rent.

I guess people who still have a mortgage should call themselves “bank owned house dwellers?” 

You do you. You love your lifestyle and it works for you. People who choose to reside in an apartment in the city or in a suburb might wish to own a home or might be thrilled to live how and where they live.  There’s no reason to differentiate someone who does so as a mere “apartment tenant “ - it’s very often their home. What they call home.
 

Some tenants are just temporarily crashing while their home is built and some home owners are living in a house that is not at all their forever home or one that suits them.  

Please I respect that you think suburban life is heaven and perfect for you and your family.  I’m not labeling how you choose to live with dismissive or less than connotations. It sounds lovely and comfortable for you and for me would be nearly nightmarish for a number of reasons but I wouldn’t label your choice as negative at all  - it works for you and that’s all that matters  

And the OP wants to buy a home with someone who can afford it seems to basically buy it with his own money. I respect her dreams and goals too. Many people want to be taken care of financially and believe it’s their entitlement.  I’m entitled to choose to rent an apartment and call it home and my family’s home. I’m entitled not to feel entitled to be provided for financially unless I’m working by raising a child which is a financial contribution in kind.
 The legal definition of apartment tenant is no more relevant to this particular discussion than “house dwellers” would be to how you choose to live. We both live in homes with our families. 
I listed compatible values incompletely just as an example. Religious values being in tandem was essential to me too. I agree. 

[Jibralta]

57 minutes ago, Fudgie said:

I just want a male June Cleaver 😭

I have one. He is awesome.

[Batya33]

59 minutes ago, Fudgie said:

Ohhh that's what you meant, Batya, my bad! And yes, I agree, what you describe is not desirable for anyone, really. 

I just want a male June Cleaver 😭

Oh I get it.  I do. I hope you find it !!

[Fudgie]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh I get it.  I do. I hope you find it !!

Haha, it's a pipe dream, I gave up looking! I pay for someone else to do that work.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Fudgie said:

Haha, it's a pipe dream, I gave up looking! I pay for someone else to do that work.

Outsource is key. But at least around here the pandemic made it much more challenging to hire people. 

[Cherylyn]

Whether you're a tenant or renter, it all means the same thing.  Same with house dweller (I guess if you're renting or leasing a house) and homeowner.  It's all the same definition.

There are advantages to renting an apartment.  If you don't have a lease, you can move anytime you wish so I can see how a transient renter has more freedom to come and go as he / she pleases.  If you rent in the city, you don't need to own a car so you save money on gas, car maintenance, car insurance and you don't have to think about parking or renting garage space.  Owning a car in the city would be inconvenient.  As a renter, you don't have homeowner expenses for maintenance and repairs.  I remember how easy it was to simply call the apartment manager if anything broke such as electrical, plumbing, etc.  All I had to do was change a light bulb.  When my husband and I were childless, apartment living was easy as long as I didn't mind having neighbors too close for comfort. 

As a renter, access to drug stores, markets, shops, merchandise, take out meals and restaurants is only a few footsteps away.  That type of convenience is very good.  You never have to hop in your car to drive anywhere.  All you have to do is depend on your legs and hoof it, carry bags of stuff on your arm or shoulder and be prepared for inclement weather.  If you don't mind crowds and being with lots of people, the city life is for you.  If you don't mind city pollution, trash, litter, dirty gutters, city odors, traffic and noise, there are conveniences and tradeoffs to be sure.  If it works well for you and your family, it's great.  I just wanted wide open spaces to raise my family and clean, peaceful quiet.  

I agree, whether you live in an apartment or a suburban house, a home is a home. 

I lived in an apartment temporarily when my late father moved away from my suburban home when I was a child.  It was ok.  I really missed my house though.  Having lived in both, there are advantages and disadvantages.   When I came home, I appreciated my suburban house more than ever.  It was a huge difference from living in an apartment and fortunately, it was only temporary. 

I lived in another apartment temporarily with my cousin and her parents.  They were on the third floor and while it was their lifestyle, I felt very limited.  I was accustomed to roaming freely in my suburban neighborhood, riding my bicycle with nary a worry about cars or traffic because it was such a quiet, almost deserted neighborhood.  Subdivisions are enormous.  I couldn't just up and pedal to my friend's house while in my cousin's apartment due to its impractical location.  I missed hopping on my bike and fetching eggs or dairy products for my mother at a nearby neighborhood dairy which was a converted neighborhood house complete with a roll up garage and full service drive thru dairy.  I was there in 5 minutes. 

My husband and I toiled to pay off our mortgage early so we're not saddled with any debts.  We have zero debts. 

Yes, you do you. 

I hope the OP, boozybunny83 will find a husband who can give her the lifestyle she dreams of.  It is possible.  The difficult part is finding "thee one" which is like finding a needle in a haystack.  Being taken care of works both ways.  Whoever works hard enjoys prosperity because they deserve to enjoy the fruits of their labor.  Nothing was ever handed to me on a silver platter.  My husband and I as well as millions of other people prospered by the sweat of their brow. 

Whether a person is a tenant, renter, home dweller or homeowner, it's all the same.  I agree, a home is what you make of it no matter where you live.  Home sweet home indeed.  🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

That is the thing potential. I knew he had some if he could get past his upbringing and anxiety. 
 

We are now I would say solid middle class/ upper middle class , but we started with zero in University. We too married after University. He was 24 years old and we had already been together almost 5 years. So we  like you guys too climbed the long hill together . I would say we are equally attractive to each other . We are equally intelligent, he has climbed higher than I have and make the most money but I have devoted a lot to my son in time and effort . 

Yes, potential.  Also, being at the right place at the right time.  I feel incredibly fortunate, blessed and lucky to have met my match.   

[Fudgie]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Outsource is key. But at least around here the pandemic made it much more challenging to hire people. 

It's been really hard, yes. Currently don't have anyone coming over to do the cleaning and organizing for me, stopped in Feb/March 2020. I'm eager to start again but not sure when it will be safe, if it ever will be. But this is my only option going foeward. 

[Batya33]

Yes Cherylyn I couldn’t agree more. Thank you. I love the different perspectives the OP has received. 
 

[Batya33]

Just now, Fudgie said:

It's been really hard, yes. Currently don't have anyone coming over to do the cleaning and organizing for me, stopped in Feb/March 2020. I'm eager to start again but not sure when it will be safe, if it ever will be. But this is my only option going foeward. 

So same issues here but also a shortage. More in the nanny type arena. We don’t need a nanny or a sitter so we’re lucky. Never had a regular one but even as I see it house cleaners are in great demand and hard to come by. And forget about handymen or ladies or home renovators etc. anyway I hope you find your Jay Cleaver (he/his??). I’m jealous of Jibralta lol!

[Fudgie]

Just now, Batya33 said:

So same issues here but also a shortage. More in the nanny type arena. We don’t need a nanny or a sitter so we’re lucky. Never had a regular one but even as I see it house cleaners are in great demand and hard to come by. And forget about handymen or ladies or home renovators etc. anyway I hope you find your Jay Cleaver (he/his??). I’m jealous of Jibralta lol!

LOL, I am jealous as well. I have given up and no longer look/date/remain open, no Mr. Cleaver for me. It's best not to get my hopes up with something that won't happen. Thankfully, I have money to throw at the problem, it's the labor shortage and health risk that stops me now. 

Money doesn't buy happiness but it makes you comfortable. 

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, Fudgie said:

 

Money doesn't buy happiness but it makes you comfortable. 

Amen to that!

[Honeycomb8]

Money is important but isn't everything. You should just focus on your own career and finances. 

My salary is quite above the national average and on the side, I own 3 businesses. I also have my own property, a really decent stock portfolio and hold bitcurrency.

I'm a 90's baby.

I've pretty much always dated good quality professional men but I started to realise career ambition and intelligence isn't the only thing that's important- someone that has a kind heart is just as crucial. It's really hard to find that. 

If you're just focused on money, don't bother meeting. 

 

[smackie9]

If you expect money, you need to be totally hot. A smile and pocket of wet pennies won't get you much.