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fallininlove
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1 hour ago, fallininlove said:

When he would go to clubs, he wouldn't even text me. And I know that he was there for girls. Just with his conversation with his boys, that would be there number one topic - girls.

Oh my lord, he sounds really immature and not respectful at all. Throw this one back and don't feel bad about it.

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3 hours ago, fallininlove said:

When he would go to clubs, he wouldn't even text me. And I know that he was there for girls. Just with his conversation with his boys, that would be there number one topic - girls.

But I hope I do meet someone who treats me right. I'm getting drained and feeling hopeless.

You have to meet yourself and treat you right first.  Luck is a very small part of meeting someone who treats you right.  What are you doing to try to meet people -meaning men but also women who can introduce you to suitable men?

I'm not sure why you think you need to be stern to be treated with respect but yes sometimes you need to say no and it doesn't need to be in a stern way at all.

Edited by Batya33
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1 hour ago, Capricorn3 said:

If all your relationships end after only a few months, then clearly you are the common denominator.  Going by your words above, it seems you're a doormat and allow everyone to walk all over you and you just sit there and take it. Always doing whatever the guy wants to do and never standing up for yourself ... all that does is earn you a load of disrespect.  People don't respect doormats. 

If you want a relationship to last and have mutual respect then you need to grow a backbone.  Until that happens be prepared for all future relationships to fail within the first couple of months. 

You're right. Standing up for myself is always difficult in relationships. I can do it at work, anywhere else but with a guy im dating for some reason I can't. I don't want to argue/fight so I just avoid it. Theres part of me now that regrets texting him anything because now we're not talking.

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3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

But again, how has this approach been working for you? You say you've never had a relationship last longer than a few months.

Unless you're perfectly happy going from one relationship to another to another, over and over. Then no need to change anything.

I agree I def. need to change something but im not too sure what

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22 minutes ago, fallininlove said:

I agree I def. need to change something but im not too sure what

Stay single for awhile. Start focusing on yourself.  Learn about yourself,  what you enjoy, what you're looking for from a partner. you know youre getting there when being alone is a pleasure not a punishment to you. 

To get what you want, you reject everything that is not it. 

You don't have to have conflict or arguments about it. People know what they do.  You don't have to explain it to them.  If their dumb butt can't figure it out, that is their problem. 

The next time you're dating someone as soon as they do something or they pull back, you pull back. Don't be so willing to fix things. Allow people to try to fix it, too. 

You're spending too much time trying to fix or change others. You can't. 

Practice having an opinion and making choices in a non confrontational way.  Having a backbone is not just for conflicts. 

You get one by deciding you're going to do what's best for you.  Sure when you get a guy that shows he is a partner, then you start working together... until then, you focus on you. 

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7 hours ago, fallininlove said:

The reason why I like him so much is because we have a strong connection, when were together its amaazing. We spent the whole day(s) together and never want to leave. He told me the same thing as well. But maybe I'm clinging on to that. I never felt like that before with any other guy and my fear is that I'm not going to feel like this with any other guy in the future which is why I'm holding on

You seem to be clutching at something that isn't there.  I wonder if there's another woman in his life since he is so unavailable to you.  I think you are wasting your time.

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1 hour ago, fallininlove said:

You're right. Standing up for myself is always difficult in relationships. I can do it at work, anywhere else but with a guy im dating for some reason I can't. I don't want to argue/fight so I just avoid it. Theres part of me now that regrets texting him anything because now we're not talking.

What keeps happening that you would need to argue about?  

If you're constantly having conflicts that lead to arguments with the guys you're dating, you're dating the wrong guys.

And you still want this guy back despite his shady, disrespectful and potentially cheating behaviors?  Why?   Do you feel empty without someone you can call your boyfriend?  Are you "afraid to be 'alone'"?

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4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Agree with Boltnrun. Also stop telling yourself you “can’t “. You can.  It’s a choice. Not easy. But a choice.  Two song lyrics “if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice “ (Rush).  And Google the song “I made a fist “ from an old and famous musical called The Most Happy Fella. About a guy who finally grows a backbone.  It’s inspiring. Being assertive has nothing to do with arguing. It simply means expressing your boundaries as politely as possible but also directly and simply in a no nonsense way. And your body language needs to be of a person who knows she’s entitled to respect. 

Edited by Batya33
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1 hour ago, melancholy123 said:

You seem to be clutching at something that isn't there.  I wonder if there's another woman in his life since he is so unavailable to you.  I think you are wasting your time.

I thought that maybe he was cheating or there was another woman involved but every friday/sat we spend the whole day together

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

What keeps happening that you would need to argue about?  

If you're constantly having conflicts that lead to arguments with the guys you're dating, you're dating the wrong guys.

And you still want this guy back despite his shady, disrespectful and potentially cheating behaviors?  Why?   Do you feel empty without someone you can call your boyfriend?  Are you "afraid to be 'alone'"?

with him, i argued about him not putting in effort and not texting me. with texting me he says that hes "not a big texter and only texts for important things" and with putting in effort he told me that "he hasn't been in a relationship in so long, hes bad at it " 

I don't know why I want him back. Slowly and slowly I realize how awful he was for me. I just think I'm not going to get any guy better than him. I've been single for years so thats not a problem but I think I'm just afraid to date again because its exhausting and draining

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29 minutes ago, fallininlove said:

I think I'm just afraid to date again because its exhausting and draining

Isn't this relationship "exhausting and draining"? You seem anxious and stressed. He acts shady, disappears when he goes out clubbing and ignores you.

He isn't the solution to your problems. He's the cause of them.

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4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Isn't this relationship "exhausting and draining"? You seem anxious and stressed. He acts shady, disappears when he goes out clubbing and ignores you.

He isn't the solution to your problems. He's the cause of them.

That is very true. I just feel pure happiness when I'm with him and it's like I'm addicted to that feeling every single weekend and I'm excited. It's weird.

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3 hours ago, fallininlove said:

That is very true. I just feel pure happiness when I'm with him and it's like I'm addicted to that feeling every single weekend and I'm excited. It's weird.

That isn't enough to sustain a relationship. 

Sure, you might have fun together in the moment, but then that's about it. He goes cold when you're not around him and has clearly been shady with you in the past. This isn't a guy who is that interested in you, as we've all been saying. You will almost certainly be discarded when he meets a woman he's really into. You're tyring to build something that will last into the future, while he's just having fun for now. 

For a relationship to work, there needs to be genuine partnership. Not just weekend fun times. And you can't badger someone into giving you the former if they just don't want to - he clearly just doesn't want to.

You say you don't think you will meet a better guy, but girl, this guy isn't a catch either. This is barely a relationship, so whether you're talking now or not doesn't make much difference. It's not going anywhere, OP. 

 

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10 hours ago, fallininlove said:

I don't know why I want him back. Slowly and slowly I realize how awful he was for me. I just think I'm not going to get any guy better than him. I've been single for years so thats not a problem but I think I'm just afraid to date again because its exhausting and draining

You need a break from dating. For one thing, until you get into the mindset that you're not frightened to date, don't. And don't date until you've worked on boosting your self-esteem. Books and articles can guide you on how to achieve this. Because we subconsciously choose who we think is worthy of us. When your self esteem is low, you will attract and be attracted to guys who treat you poorly.

When you have good self esteem, you will stick to a must-have list and a dealbreaker list. You keep the guys who live up to your standards and dump the guys who don't. When you have to nag someone to pay attention to you, you're going about things the wrong way. That's totally unnecessary. You realize a person who has to be schooled on treating you as the special person you are is not the ideal partner.

Of course there are times communication is warranted when reasonable, and then you give a person a chance to improve on the reasonable request. If they don't, it means they don't care and you can move on.

Always have a fulfilling life besides dating so that when a break up happens, it won't be as devastating as it would if he's the sole center of your universe.

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11 hours ago, fallininlove said:

That is very true. I just feel pure happiness when I'm with him and it's like I'm addicted to that feeling every single weekend and I'm excited. It's weird.

And how do you feel during the week, when he's ignoring you and going out without you and meeting other girls?

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Just a different point of view. 
 

I hate texting back and forth. I would much rather talk with someone, to hear her voice. I don’t text unless I have to and that is normally for work. I talk with my wife and kids. 
 

You know this about your boyfriend, get mad and block him when he doesn’t conform to what you want. Instead of trying to change him and complaining about his lack of texting, why not just accept that this is who he is and move on with the relationship.

Have you tried calling and talking instead of texting?

I my wife did what your doing now when we first started dating, I would have probably ended the relationship.

 

Edited by Usa1ah
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Just reading through your thread is revealing. People on here have been able to turn your relationship upside down and have you changing your view of it. 
 

My oldest son dated a girl at one point, one of my daughter’s good friends. They were like two peas in a pod. They competed each other, from their joking around to the type of music they liked. Then her friends got involved and started saying that he wasn’t good enough for her. That he needs to change this and that. That he needs to grow up. That she deserves better. So, she tried changing him to fit what her friends said. My son changed who he was for her to fit her friends thought he should be. Then she didn’t like who he was, she actually said that he had changed from the guy she started dating. They broke up. This was almost 6 years ago. The girl has told my daughter that she believes her and J would be together in the end. She hasn’t dated anyone after the break up. J has been in a relationship for the past 5 years with a girl that takes him as he is and they get along great. 
 

Great relationships are those where each person in it accepts the other one for who they are. Also a willingness to be there for one another. If you can’t accept your boyfriend for who he is, then end the relationship. It’s that simple. Maybe your boyfriend was telling the truth when he said he has no clue on how a relationship works or how to be in one. 

Edited by Usa1ah
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3 hours ago, Usa1ah said:

Then her friends got involved and started saying that he wasn’t good enough for her. That he needs to change this and that. That he needs to grow up. That she deserves better. So, she tried changing him to fit what her friends said.

All that means to me is his girlfriend wasn't the right person to find the right person because the right person will not listen to family/friends other than in extreme cases of abuse etc (meaning where the family finds out something like that and/or can tell the person is being abusive but she is ignoring red flags).  

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4 hours ago, Usa1ah said:

You know this about your boyfriend, get mad and block him when he doesn’t conform to what you want. Instead of trying to change him and complaining about his lack of texting, why not just accept that this is who he is and move on with the relationship.

Did you miss the more serious red flags OP described? 

On 11/11/2021 at 8:26 PM, fallininlove said:

There were so many red flags. He blocked me from his stories on social media (so i can't see what he's doing), hes 30 and still going to clubs, i think he secretly recorded me giving him a bj, i had an abortion and he offered no support and never asked how i was, he has another girl's netflix

This is really not just about his lack of texting. That's a symptom of much bigger problems here. 

 

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8 hours ago, Usa1ah said:

Just a different point of view. 
 

I hate texting back and forth. I would much rather talk with someone, to hear her voice. I don’t text unless I have to and that is normally for work. I talk with my wife and kids. 
 

You know this about your boyfriend, get mad and block him when he doesn’t conform to what you want. Instead of trying to change him and complaining about his lack of texting, why not just accept that this is who he is and move on with the relationship.

Have you tried calling and talking instead of texting?

I my wife did what your doing now when we first started dating, I would have probably ended the relationship.

 

Hey... I appreciate the insight. If the problem was ONLY texting and thats it, I would agree with you. But it was a large issue than that. It was communication in general. If we argued, he ran away. Didn't talk about it, didn't address it for days. I dont think thats right in a relationship. He did a lot of shady stuff in between. I guess I didn't want to believe in all the red flags and wanted him to text me so I can get reassurance that there were no red flags and it was all in my head. But looking from it now, there were so many red flags not just his texting style.

Also, from a different perspective, if your gf wants you to text more, you should reassure her or try to put in effort. When we first started talking, he was texting me like crazy. So from him texting me all the time at the beginning to him now saying I'm not a texter was confusing. Didn't add up.

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12 hours ago, fallininlove said:

Hey... I appreciate the insight. If the problem was ONLY texting and thats it, I would agree with you. But it was a large issue than that. It was communication in general. If we argued, he ran away. Didn't talk about it, didn't address it for days. I dont think thats right in a relationship. He did a lot of shady stuff in between. I guess I didn't want to believe in all the red flags and wanted him to text me so I can get reassurance that there were no red flags and it was all in my head. But looking from it now, there were so many red flags not just his texting style.

Also, from a different perspective, if your gf wants you to text more, you should reassure her or try to put in effort. When we first started talking, he was texting me like crazy. So from him texting me all the time at the beginning to him now saying I'm not a texter was confusing. Didn't add up.


So this was a change in behavior for him instead of him always being this way. Then I will agree that you should find someone else then. 

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