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Not responding to me...


fallininlove
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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

At 12 weeks dating it's good you cut your losses. You're chasing him too hard.

 Why is it all about texting, calling and social media?

How often do you see each other in person? 

Text tethering is very annoying.  Try not to do that.

If you feel someone is not communicating appropriately with you, it's good you ended it.

 

We see each other once a week which is why I would like to communicate more. I wanted to see him more during the week but he says he works and then goes to the gym and sleeps. So for me it's weird seeing him once a week and then no communication. 

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2 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

What's the attraction if you think he's not putting in any effort?  This bugs you, so he does not appear to be a match for you.  Of course everyone is different and you need to figure out how to accept that.  As for this guy, move on,

The reason why I like him so much is because we have a strong connection, when were together its amaazing. We spent the whole day(s) together and never want to leave. He told me the same thing as well. But maybe I'm clinging on to that. I never felt like that before with any other guy and my fear is that I'm not going to feel like this with any other guy in the future which is why I'm holding on

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4 hours ago, Lambert said:

And it's just not attractive.

Every chance you gave him solidified the fact that no matter what he does, you will take him back 

He wasn't ready for a relationship, ok. When he came back around that time, he should have been 100% all in.  But he ghosted you.  

That should have been the deal breaker. The end.

You may have known him for 3 years... but are you mistaking quantity of time for quality of time? He had a family emergency that lasted several months? 

In that time he still worked and lived his life.  He chose to use that as an excuse and play like he is so deep and so affected... don't you feel bad for him?  he had to ghost you. His brother was in ICU for 3 months. That is awful but not a reason to ghost someone.  Not a friend of 3 years... 

You are not seeing things clearly with this guy...

You are too nice but then you also act dramatic with empty threats. (telling him you should end it if he can't text you more, delete him and then call him to talk it out.)

This is not a healthy happy union.  Walk away. Find a guy you don't have to change. That calls and texts you because he wants to.  He wants to be in your life and include you in his. 

This situation is total BS. You deserve better. 

You're so right. Thank you for your insight!

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9 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

If you're in a relationship with someone, it's perfectly reasonable to expect that they don't take days to text or call you back.  You told this guy that you weren't comfortable with his unresponsiveness and he continued to do it anyway.  You gave him a chance and he didn't care enough to do such a little thing.  He knows exactly what he's doing by not replying and by blocking/deleting him, it's given the break up that he couldn't be bothered to do himself.  If a guy is into you, he'll respond to your messages.  This one wasn't, so concentrate on finding someone better.

Some days he would text great and then the next day it would be nothing. It was very on and off and very confusing. He would say hes a bad texter but when were together, he would be texting his friends all the time.

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2 minutes ago, fallininlove said:

Some days he would text great and then the next day it would be nothing. It was very on and off and very confusing. He would say hes a bad texter but when were together, he would be texting his friends all the time.

I would focus more on the fact that he just doesn't seem that into you in general and I'm sorry you're disappointed!

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52 minutes ago, fallininlove said:

The reason why I like him so much is because we have a strong connection, when were together its amaazing. We spent the whole day(s) together and never want to leave. He told me the same thing as well. But maybe I'm clinging on to that. I never felt like that before with any other guy and my fear is that I'm not going to feel like this with any other guy in the future which is why I'm holding on

You are clinging to an illusion. Five days a week he denies you access, communication, or even basic availability that you'd have in a normal relationship. So of course, weekends seem amazing because you are finally getting something from him...even though you drive to him, make most of the effort to be with him, etc. It's a bit like a thirsty man in a desert thinks putrid water is amazing, except your desert is artificially created by this guy.

I think you really need to step way back and think long and hard why this kind of a cold, push/pull, you needing to run after him dynamic while he denies you basic relationship courtesies is so comfortable for you. It shouldn't be comfortable because it's actually seriously toxic.

While you are at it, rethink your perceptions that you need to try and do everything to force a relationship to work while the other person gives little or nothing at all. Why do you feel the need to pound a square peg into a round hole? Is it really leading to healthy happy relationships or more like feeling bad about yourself and growing insecurities?

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29 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

You are clinging to an illusion. Five days a week he denies you access, communication, or even basic availability that you'd have in a normal relationship. So of course, weekends seem amazing because you are finally getting something from him...even though you drive to him, make most of the effort to be with him, etc. It's a bit like a thirsty man in a desert thinks putrid water is amazing, except your desert is artificially created by this guy.

I think you really need to step way back and think long and hard why this kind of a cold, push/pull, you needing to run after him dynamic while he denies you basic relationship courtesies is so comfortable for you. It shouldn't be comfortable because it's actually seriously toxic.

While you are at it, rethink your perceptions that you need to try and do everything to force a relationship to work while the other person gives little or nothing at all. Why do you feel the need to pound a square peg into a round hole? Is it really leading to healthy happy relationships or more like feeling bad about yourself and growing insecurities?

I mean its not like we don't talk throughout the week. We do but not a lot. Some weeks its good, some weeks its bad and lately its been bad. Last week he went MIA and then told me he had a stomach ulcer. He just has so many excuses and never keeps me in the loop.

You're right. I'm clinging to an illusion of him. He doesn't care and I should def. step back. I have daddy issues, so I always chase after guys. Idk how to change it but I like what I like

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11 minutes ago, fallininlove said:

I mean its not like we don't talk throughout the week. We do but not a lot. Some weeks its good, some weeks its bad and lately its been bad. Last week he went MIA and then told me he had a stomach ulcer. He just has so many excuses and never keeps me in the loop.

You're right. I'm clinging to an illusion of him. He doesn't care and I should def. step back. I have daddy issues, so I always chase after guys. Idk how to change it but I like what I like

You change it by not indulging in “I like what I like” - so if you’re tempted to replace dinner with ice cream every single night that’s ok because oh well you like what you like.  If you’re looking for a relationship it has to be with head and heart.  And if you are in an unhealthy pattern then you notice that and react by either reading books and or seeing a therapist to get to the root of why you’re not the right person to find the right person. You’re a person who settles for scraps. What if you practiced treating yourself with more or a backbone in dating and relationships.  Fake it till you make it.  So if you’re attracted to someone who is not a person treating you respectfully you react by deciding not to tolerate it. Depending on what it is you tell the person - not texting - using I statements “I feel disrespected when you don’t call me after promising you will”. Or “you’ve now done this MIA thing three times with no apology.  I feel frustrated when you treat me this way and I’ve decided I can’t tolerate it.  I wish you well and I’m not interested in seeing you anymore “

it’s fine if you’re attracted to men who are not suitable partners. Be attracted. Like what you like.  But don’t go on a date.  If someone who is a thoughtful person and secure in himself and someone you can see yourself kissing at some point would like to date you then go on a few dates and see if you feel attracted without the thrill of the chase where you act like a doormat and settle for scraps.  
 

My sense is if you practice being a person who believes she is entitled to respectful and thoughtful treatment it will begin to resonate with you.  Outside therapy might  help too. Good luck. 

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22 minutes ago, fallininlove said:

I asked him this last week and he said that he thought I didn't mind and that he would drive to me... but I know thats a lie lol

So we can add Liar to the list?  I hate to be all "you can do better" but you'd be hard-pressed to do much worse.

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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You change it by not indulging in “I like what I like” - so if you’re tempted to replace dinner with ice cream every single night that’s ok because oh well you like what you like.  If you’re looking for a relationship it has to be with head and heart.  And if you are in an unhealthy pattern then you notice that and react by either reading books and or seeing a therapist to get to the root of why you’re not the right person to find the right person. You’re a person who settles for scraps. What if you practiced treating yourself with more or a backbone in dating and relationships.  Fake it till you make it.  So if you’re attracted to someone who is not a person treating you respectfully you react by deciding not to tolerate it. Depending on what it is you tell the person - not texting - using I statements “I feel disrespected when you don’t call me after promising you will”. Or “you’ve now done this MIA thing three times with no apology.  I feel frustrated when you treat me this way and I’ve decided I can’t tolerate it.  I wish you well and I’m not interested in seeing you anymore “

it’s fine if you’re attracted to men who are not suitable partners. Be attracted. Like what you like.  But don’t go on a date.  If someone who is a thoughtful person and secure in himself and someone you can see yourself kissing at some point would like to date you then go on a few dates and see if you feel attracted without the thrill of the chase where you act like a doormat and settle for scraps.  
 

My sense is if you practice being a person who believes she is entitled to respectful and thoughtful treatment it will begin to resonate with you.  Outside therapy might  help too. Good luck. 

Thank you... I will try this out in my next relationship. There were plenty of red flags before this and I should have stopped myself from seeing him.

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1 minute ago, waffle said:

So we can add Liar to the list?  I hate to be all "you can do better" but you'd be hard-pressed to do much worse.

Yeah he's a lot of things. There were so many red flags. He blocked me from his stories on social media (so i can't see what he's doing), hes 30 and still going to clubs, i think he secretly recorded me giving him a bj, i had an abortion and he offered no support and never asked how i was, he has another girl's netflix, ... wow as im writing this..... just wow i feel like an idiot

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Just now, fallininlove said:

Yeah he's a lot of things. There were so many red flags. He blocked me from his stories on social media (so i can't see what he's doing), hes 30 and still going to clubs, i think he secretly recorded me giving him a bj, i had an abortion and he offered no support and never asked how i was, he has another girl's netflix, ... wow as im writing this..... just wow i feel like an idiot

Lol it’s fine if people of any age want to go to clubs to party or dance or hang out. I’d focus on the future and simply use the red flags as a reminder if you see yourself making choices where you’re not treating yourself properly. I promise a 30 year old man who treats you with respect and is a person of character and integrity and thoughtfulness can go meet friends at a club and you will be happy he is having fun and not be the least bit concerned about whether he’s behaving appropriately. 

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5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Lol it’s fine if people of any age want to go to clubs to party or dance or hang out. I’d focus on the future and simply use the red flags as a reminder if you see yourself making choices where you’re not treating yourself properly. I promise a 30 year old man who treats you with respect and is a person of character and integrity and thoughtfulness can go meet friends at a club and you will be happy he is having fun and not be the least bit concerned about whether he’s behaving appropriately. 

When he would go to clubs, he wouldn't even text me. And I know that he was there for girls. Just with his conversation with his boys, that would be there number one topic - girls.

But I hope I do meet someone who treats me right. I'm getting drained and feeling hopeless.

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You know the number one way to make sure a guy isn't going to be in love with you? Allow him to treat you disrespectfully. He sees you don't respect yourself (because you not only put up with his BS but you keep coming back for more. I bet you even tell him you love him!) so why should HE respect you? And with no respect there cannot possibly be any love.

And all this in only 3 months???

Tell me, is the way you've been conducting yourself in relationships bringing you lasting and consistent happiness? If not, why do you continue to behave the same way over and over again?

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11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You know the number one way to make sure a guy isn't going to be in love with you? Allow him to treat you disrespectfully. He sees you don't respect yourself (because you not only put up with his BS but you keep coming back for more. I bet you even tell him you love him!) so why should HE respect you? And with no respect there cannot possibly be any love.

And all this in only 3 months???

Tell me, is the way you've been conducting yourself in relationships bringing you lasting and consistent happiness? If not, why do you continue to behave the same way over and over again?

No, we haven't said I love you's.

I've never had a relationship last longer than a few months. All of them are all short term. I can never figure it out

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Just now, fallininlove said:

No, we haven't said I love you's.

I've never had a relationship last longer than a few months. All of them are all short term. I can never figure it out

So what you've been doing isn't working. Being overly accommodating, doing all the driving, ignoring or accepting being disregarded and disrespected has not resulted in the relationship you want.

Maybe time to try something different?

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3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So what you've been doing isn't working. Being overly accommodating, doing all the driving, ignoring or accepting being disregarded and disrespected has not resulted in the relationship you want.

Maybe time to try something different?

I just never want to be difficult. I feel like if I say no, an argument is going to happen and I want to avoid arguments.

I never tried being stern or doing things my way. I've always done whatever the guy wants to do. I dont know how to do it the other way lol

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24 minutes ago, fallininlove said:

I just never want to be difficult. I feel like if I say no, an argument is going to happen and I want to avoid arguments.

I never tried being stern or doing things my way. I've always done whatever the guy wants to do. I dont know how to do it the other way lol

But again, how has this approach been working for you? You say you've never had a relationship last longer than a few months.

Unless you're perfectly happy going from one relationship to another to another, over and over. Then no need to change anything.

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36 minutes ago, fallininlove said:

All of them are all short term. I can never figure it out

At least in this case, you didn't filter out the bad egg. 

This guy sounds barely into you at this point. He's not been good to you in the past and he's not that interested in you now, either. I think you also need to consider the strong possibility that you are not the only woman in orbit. 

In the future, get rid of guys like this when they show you who they are. Don't hang around hoping they will change. 

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22 hours ago, fallininlove said:

So I'm dating this guy and I've always had problems with his texting style. Some days he just wouldnt text me which is weird because I've never been in a relationship where we go days without texting.  We talked about it and he said he would try to improve. Anyways, Monday I didnt hear from him and I texted him and complained. He didn't respond so I sent him a long text saying he needs to communicate more and if he can't then maybe we should just end it. Tuesday came and he still didn't respond and I then deleted him off social media.

I regret deleting him. It was impulsive because I was hurt. I want this to work out more than anything. I don't know what to do. I tried calling him last night and no response. I want to talk it thru. Whenever theres problems, he runs and hides and calls me on the weekend so we can talk about it. Do I wait then or should I try to keep calling? Or should I send an apology text?

I realize that people have different texting styles, but he doesn't sound as interested or invested as you.

Deleting him wasn't a bad thing to do, you need to protect your heart and emotions as he's not giving back the same care and attention as you are giving him.

Please don't beg or chase anymore. He's not into you as much as you had hoped he would be.

Let it go and find someone else who is as interested as you are, and where you are compatible on your texting style.

This guy is not the one.

Edited by SherrySher
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