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Fincher2021
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So I (37m) went on 2 fantastic dates with this girl (34f).  We had met on one of the apps. We were both vibing each other a lot. We texted a lot in between the 2 dates and everything was going great.  She even said so how much she was enjoying everything and how we seemed to be on the same page.  Our conversations were great, we made each other laugh, and were attracted to each other. 
 

It definitely seemed like we were already talking how we’d continue seeing each other by just casual plans we would make about trying a place to eat or seeing a movie etc.  I was so happy cause it had been awhile since I had a connection like this.  I was giddy. 
 

After the 2nd date we were texting the next day.  She made a minor grammar mistake in a text. It was nothing.  Not anything major at all (used me either instead of me neither). But I felt at this point we were vibing so well I could make a joke about it.  Not so much to belittle her or act like I’m a smarty pants but just to have fun.  I put a winky face next to the correction just to try and be lighthearted. I didn’t actually care that it was a mistake.  And i would never do it to be serious or to someone I never met.  But I really didn’t think much of it.  She put the rolley eye faced afterwards and I just laughed and told her sometimes I could be the grammar police and I apologize in advance.
 

To me it was mainly a joke to people sometimes. And I guess it’s a habit I used to do with my ex. We would just bust each other’s chops about it.
 

She wanted confirmation that her grammar was generally good and she made a point that she didn’t correct others. I told her she was fine but sometimes I point it out to people if I noticed. I should have stressed that it was just a joke and that I didn’t really care that there was a mistake. But I really thought nothing of it.  I figured by this time she could tell I was a good guy and I’m not a gestapo of making sure people know they are wrong.  I was just kinda making a dumb flirting tactic. 
 

Our texting continued but I could tell she was less involved. Much shorter texts etc.  I finally asked if she wanted to do something fun tomorrow to which she said that she didn’t like the fact that I corrected her on an  insignificant text and that it really turned her off and she didn’t see us hanging out again.  And then she blocked me. I tried to apologize but essentially couldn’t. 
 

I feel terrible. I guess I should have realized that people don’t like to be corrected and it could be extremely annoying. I just wasn’t thinking much about it cause we were getting along so well and she’d know I was basically messing around.  It just really sucked that I couldn’t explain or apologize.  And obviously over texts it may have been interpreted worse. So I wish she would have least given the chance for me to say sorry and explain a bit more. I understand her being annoyed but I was surprised to get blocked for that when things were going so great.  I guess i threw a huge red flag?  That I’d be correcting her left and right and always making sure I’m right?  I’m not like that so I’d be surprised if she came to that conclusion from those texts but I guess it’s possible. 
 

I just feel like I blew a great opportunity. And now I feel like I was in the wrong and keep blaming myself.  I really can’t get in touch with her so that’s that. (I mean I did find her on FB but I think that would be overboard and not my style).  If anything I will learn from it. But was she overacting just a bit even?   Am I completely in the wrong here?  I know I should have thought better about correcting someone and how they could take offense.  I guess for me something like that wouldn’t matter but I should remember how others might feel.   I feel like communication is so key in a relationship and I hate that we couldn’t even talk it out.  Any feedback would be appreciated. 
 

TL;DR: dumb correcting grammar joke goes bad and potential relationship finished. 

 

Edited by Fincher2021
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I've called myself the grammar police many times because I spot things like this all the time.  But I don't comment on it because, as you found out, not everyone thinks it's a joke.  I think she over-reacted by blocking you, that seems too much to me.  Can you not phone her?

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13 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

I've called myself the grammar police many times because I spot things like this all the time.  But I don't comment on it because, as you found out, not everyone thinks it's a joke.  I think she over-reacted by blocking you, that seems too much to me.  Can you not phone her?

No she blocked me. 

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Oh geez... I'm sorry.  This does seem like a tough lesson to learn. People don't like to be corrected and especially if you're a romantic partner.

I think the more important lesson is to appreciate how fragile a connection is. It can be hard to be vulnerable with someone. So correcting should be off the table. She didn't know you and she is not your ex. 

When you meet someone new, take nothing for granted. Every person is different.

I had a guy correct me once and I let it go but it ended up he was pompous and I wished I wouldn't have. I really felt bad he did that.  like I'm dumb or something.  but I just made a mistake and the polite thing to do is let it slide.  For all you know it was an auto correct mistake and there you are telling her you don't mind she used the wrong word.

I'm sorry you're feeling terrible. But really stop correcting people. You are not the grammar police. 

You'll meet someone else. Maybe this is for the best. 

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6 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Oh geez... I'm sorry.  This does seem like a tough lesson to learn. People don't like to be corrected and especially if you're a romantic partner.

I think the more important lesson is to appreciate how fragile a connection is. It can be hard to be vulnerable with someone. So correcting should be off the table. She didn't know you and she is not your ex. 

When you meet someone new, take nothing for granted. Every person is different.

I had a guy correct me once and I let it go but it ended up he was pompous and I wished I wouldn't have. I really felt bad he did that.  like I'm dumb or something.  but I just made a mistake and the polite thing to do is let it slide.  For all you know it was an auto correct mistake and there you are telling her you don't mind she used the wrong word.

I'm sorry you're feeling terrible. But really stop correcting people. You are not the grammar police. 

You'll meet someone else. Maybe this is for the best. 

Ugh.  I guess I just never realized it.  Sucks. I probably should have.  I wish I could have explained it and just told her I wouldn’t do it anymore.  Ugh.  Oh well.  Thanks for the advice. Lesson learned. 

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50 minutes ago, Fincher2021 said:

I just feel like I blew a great opportunity.

Thing is, I dont think you did. Somebody who would threw that much of an overreaction over a harmless joke, wouldnt really be a good match for you anyway. So look at it in that way. You need somebody that you can be yourself around, even if it means joke in that way. If you would have to walk on eggshells for her not to be angry at you to the point she doesnt even let you explain and blocks you, that is not a good match for you.

Also, I think you are way overthinking it. When they like you they are willing to overlook a whole slew of red flags in order to be with you. When they are already on defense about you, all it takes is one harmless joke. So really dont think she was that invested in the first place, when all it took is one joke that flew over her head to completely and utterly discard you.

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2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Thing is, I dont think you did. Somebody who would threw that much of an overreaction over a harmless joke, wouldnt really be a good match for you anyway. So look at it in that way. You need somebody that you can be yourself around, even if it means joke in that way. If you would have to walk on eggshells for her not to be angry at you to the point she doesnt even let you explain and blocks you, that is not a good match for you.

Also, I think you are way overthinking it. When they like you they are willing to overlook a whole slew of red flags in order to be with you. When they are already on defense about you, all it takes is one harmless joke. So really dont think she was that invested in the first place, when all it took is one joke that flew over her head to completely and utterly discard you.

Thanks.   I mean who knows what her prior experience is though and I just have to be more careful with that. 2 isn’t a whole lot and although I thought she knew me well enough she really didn’t and this could have really hurt her and make her think about moving forward. I just wish she would have at least heard me out like you said. But what can you do.  Appreciate the feedback. 

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OP, quite frankly I think she way overreacted and I don't see how you did anything so badly wrong to warrant her blocking you.  I swear people have no sense of humor anymore.  It's ridiculous (imo).  To get worked up so badly over something so ordinary just boggles my mind.   If she reacts this badly over simple things, I can't imagine how she'll react to something really substantial.  Me thinks you dodged a bullet.

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Sorry about this. 

Here’s how I’d look at it: During the early days with someone—first few dates, first few months even—we really have no idea how compatible we are. And how do we generally learn we’re not? From unfortunate moments like this.

Can I personally see being miffed by your correction? Sure. Can I also see her response as being curiously oversensitive? Sure. Point being, there’s no right or wrong here—certainly not something you did wrong and now need to learn from while beating yourself up.
 

The right person for you wouldn’t have been so offended; the right person for her would have had a different sense of humor. That’s how I’d see it, at least.

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Although the punishment doesn't seem to fit the crime, (imo), my thoughts are, after only two dates she barely knows you and wasn't sure how to take it.

No offense, but it may be a good idea to choose your words wisely the next time around, especially until you know the person better.

 

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10 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

OP, quite frankly I think she way overreacted and I don't see how you did anything so badly wrong to warrant her blocking you.  I swear people have no sense of humor anymore.  It's ridiculous (imo).  To get worked up so badly over something so ordinary just boggles my mind.   If she reacts this badly over simple things, I can't imagine how she'll react to something really substantial.  Me thinks you dodged a bullet.

I agree. But she probably doesn’t get it was a joke or didn’t feel like it was a joke.  I never really said that I was kidding. I tried to imply it but that could be missed. Maybe over texts it comes across worse.  I still think we should have been able to talk about it.  It sucks 

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She overreacted.  I agree with others.  She was unreasonable.  She could've just told you that she would appreciate not being corrected or told you that she actually appreciated the correction so she could be better with her grammar in the future. 

I've corrected my sister and mother regarding their incorrect spelling and grammar in emails and it sorely backfired.  Emotionally immature people explode in anger and your head gets immediately sent to the guillotine for it.  I've since learned to let people use their grammar however way they see fit even though it was poorly written or spoken.  As long as both parties remain respectful during dialogue, conversation or written form, it is good enough for me. 

It's better to say or write too little than too much.  Some people are temperamental and become insulted easily.  Watch what you say and write. 

Also, keep in mind that you don't have to always accept temperamental people in your life.  They're the ones who are red flags here.  Their reaction is uncalled for.  Belligerent people are not peaceful people.  Choose wisely regarding who deserves to be in your life and which dramatic people should exit your life.

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I’m with Bluecastle on this one! 
She probably wasn’t a good match for you if she didn’t understand you.
 

She also in all fairness to her that may have been the straw that broke the camels back. She may have had a lot of trouble with people correcting her in her past. 

 

Either way try not to take it personally and learn from it. Best to move on. 

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2 hours ago, Fincher2021 said:

 I finally asked if she wanted to do something fun tomorrow to which she said that she didn’t like the fact that I corrected her on an  insignificant text and that it really turned her off and she didn’t see us hanging out again.  And then she blocked me.

I get that she didn't like you correcting her for whatever reason. Here's the thing - she could've been straightforward about it to you from the get-go. Instead, she didn't express her discontent until much later.

She's shown you that it takes some time for her to communicate discomfort. She's also shown you that something so minuscule, in the grand scheme of things, turned her off so much that she chose to block you.

The question is: would someone like her have been suitable for you?

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2 minutes ago, greendots said:

I get that she didn't like you correcting her for whatever reason. Here's the thing - she could've been straightforward about it to you from the get-go. Instead, she didn't express her discontent until much later.

She's shown you that it takes some time for her to communicate discomfort. She's also shown you that something so minuscule, in the grand scheme of things, turned her off so much that she chose to block you.

The question is: would someone like her have been suitable for you?

I don’t know. Tough to say cause things were going great and I wish we could have talked it out. And I wish I just wasn’t oblivious to being sensitive to something like that.  At the same time the fact that she wasn’t even willing to hear my reaction or talk about it further makes me upset and wonder if that’s what I want.  
 

I also just wanted to make sure that there were some varying opinions on the matter. Had I posted this and everyone said I was 100% wrong and completely get why she ended it, I think I would have been a little puzzled but ultimately accepted it.

Even so I will be more careful in the future.  

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19 minutes ago, Fincher2021 said:

I don’t know. Tough to say cause things were going great and I wish we could have talked it out. And I wish I just wasn’t oblivious to being sensitive to something like that.  At the same time the fact that she wasn’t even willing to hear my reaction or talk about it further makes me upset and wonder if that’s what I want.  
 

I also just wanted to make sure that there were some varying opinions on the matter. Had I posted this and everyone said I was 100% wrong and completely get why she ended it, I think I would have been a little puzzled but ultimately accepted it.

Even so I will be more careful in the future.  

I don't feel you were insensitive. You didn't know at the time that a tiny correction was going to trigger such a negative emotion in her. Had you  done it again after she voiced her discomfort - then yes, that would've been totally uncalled for. You said it yourself, you wished you could've talked it out. She didn't want to.

The way I see it, you observe how a potential mate addresses uncomfortable situations. Then, you assess it. Does it work for you?

Edited by greendots
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14 minutes ago, greendots said:

I don't feel you were insensitive. You didn't know at the time that a tiny correction was going to trigger such a negative emotion in her. Had you  done it again after she voiced her discomfort - then yes, that would've been totally uncalled for. You said it yourself, you wished you could've talked it out. She didn't want to.

The way I see it, you observe how a potential mate addresses uncomfortable situations. Then, you assess it. Does it work for you?

Right. Probably doesn’t work well overall for me. I guess I just didn’t think she would react that way which is obviously another reason I sent it.  Probably even subconsciously. I knew I didn’t know her THAT well but I guess I thought well enough that this wouldn’t be a big deal.  But obviously I didn’t know her well enough.

 I guess I also should not have made the joke that I was the “grammar police” after the fact.  Someone told me that was where I probably crossed the line.  But again, I was mainly messing around.   And I should have really emphasized that I was joking around. I kinda tried to imply it but that might be misconstrued in texts.  

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Doing it in person and on whatsapp or social media makes lot of difference.

On social media, people cant see you unless its a video call, so people dont understand if you are pulling their leg or actually making fun of them. Putting an emoji to make the other person feel how you are feeling sometimes never works its also not a good way of communication but thats how social media works.

She reacted the way she would normally react to person who puts her off, it just tells you she is not a person who will discuss and communicate during conflicts....basically shutting you off is her coping mechanism, never to see or hear from you is her way of protecting herself 

Let her go she is not the one.

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Well, if I'm perfectly honest, I actually really hate being corrected too. It is a pet peeve of mine but it's actually more so when I think when the correction is unfair or it's for something quite insignificant. For example, last year I was studying a sign language class and a couple of other students in the class who were better at the sign language than me kept showing off and correcting me. It really annoyed me because they weren't the teacher and it really irritated me they kept correcting me coz it's not their job.

Another thing that really annoyed was I was dating this guy this year and he corrected me a few times on how to pronounce words with the letter "a". E.g. How some people say "tomato" and some say "tom - uh - to". Or "castle"/c- uh - stle. It really annoyed me because he knew I was originally from another country and English isn't my first language. Also it's not wrong to say it that way as such but it's just different ways you can pronounce it. The main reason why it really annoyed me though is that the guy wasn't very intelligent at all, he had failed high school, didn't go to university and even didn't know what some simple words were. So it really angered me that the correction was coming from someone like him. 

I think I don't get as annoyed if I get corrected on something that's more of a big deal or is important. I do agree that in your case it was something quite insignificant and didn't really matter. This girl might be like me and finds being corrected really annoying. Everyone has their own pet peeves but obviously unless they tell us, we don't actually know that it's a pet peeve.

So you didn't actually know that she obviously really hates being corrected. If it was me though I wouldn't block you and I would still see you again, but I'd just politely let you know that I don't like being corrected for such small things. I do think that she over reacted. 

I know you thought that things were going well but maybe they just seemed that way to you. Maybe she was giving it a chance, but she wasn't actually as into you as you were into her. If someone really likes you I think they wouldn't just block you and not even let you explain yourself.

Maybe another problem was that you didn't apologise but just kept talking ad normal. Maybe she was hoping you would apologise.

I do think though that most people don't like being corrected over something silly, it is offensive. I definitely don't like it. So I think you just need to keep that in mind for next time.

 

Edited by Tinydance
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5 hours ago, Fincher2021 said:

 she said that she didn’t like the fact that I corrected her on an  insignificant text and that it really turned her off and she didn’t see us hanging out again.  And then she blocked me. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately after a 2 dates you're both still talking to and meeting others so it just wasn't a match.

Three things jump out. One is way too much texting and attempting to build rapport through "text banter".

The other is " I guess it’s a habit I used to do with my ex. We would just bust each other’s chops about it".

Not everyone thinks snarkiness is cute or flirty. And worse trying to recreate a dynamic unique to and shared with your ex indicates you are not ready to date.

Three is... live and learn. Too much texting is lazy and being critical, even in jest, comes off as being a jerk.

 

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I teach grammar (and ESL) for a living and automatically notice errors in people's writing - it's how my brain is wired after all these years of teaching. 

However, I don't correct people unless I am in the classroom or otherwise asked to proofread something. While it is not a huge deal to most, I recognize others might not feel that way and not appreciate it. This is particularly true for those who have struggled with literacy or other barriers to learning, or even just self-esteem in general. We just never know. 

The problem here is that you assumed too much about her without actually knowing her, OP. You had only met twice, so it's not enough to have assessed what her sense of humour is or if she would enjoy a little "chop-busting" in the same manner as your ex. Not much you can do about it now, but save the jokes for people you have gotten to know more, especially when you're attempting humour via texting. 

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So I think the issue is you assumed after only two dates you were “vibing” to the extent you knew her sense of humor. You approached it with too much familiarity given the context. And she overreacted.  For sure.

She should have assumed you were joking and accepted your confirmation that of course you were.  And let it go.  You probably dodged a bullet but the general lesson is texting with a stranger doesn’t say much at all about compatibility even if it feels like vibing.

 

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Had this event transpired in person you might have had a different outcome.  You lose tone and context while communicating in text.  If you could do it over again, you should have called her.

I look at it this way.  First dates are much like job interviews.  You get a condensed amount of time to sum someone up.  That type of correction so early on, in writing no less might cause me to step back.  You defended yourself and apologized -  but followed it up with reinforcing the fact that you do indeed have a habit of correcting peoples grammar.  in hindsight you could have left that part out.

When I first spoke to my now bf over the phone before meeting, I took note that he used cuss words a few times over a couple of phone conversations.  He reminds today me that I mentioned it to him.  More or less correcting him.  Almost 5 years later we use profanity casually and when I do he has mentioned my correction early on (jokingly) 

The best way I can explain it, early on it's very much like a job interview and though we may use profanity or are inclined to correct someone's grammar, we are careful to not do that in the initial phase when you are trying to use the time to sum someone up.  Or in a job interview.  Those type of things are better received after you've established a foundation of trust with someone and you understand their intentions.  Just because your ex took it in stride doesn't mean the next person will.

I wouldn't say she was overreacting.  I might have had the same reaction if I was still negotiating my connection with you, imagining a lifetime with someone who felt the need to correct my grammar might cause me to bail.  I would think it indicative of other traits that might not be a good fit for me.  Fair?  Who knows.  But she made the call either way. 

Edited by reinventmyself
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This doesn't need a long paragraph to say....first impressions count. You blew it. Oh well....you two were not compatible because your sense of humor to her wasn't so funny. It's not a match.

 

Edited by smackie9
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