i found a white supremacist flyer in my bfs bedroom and i’m not sure if it’s his

[Tinydance]

23 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If you think he is lying then to me it's over and it made me cringe that you really wanted him to "prove" it to you.  It's only three months.  You have no idea if he wants to marry you or have a family with you but if you feel this strongly about the views you now believe he has then please end it now.  It doesn't matter if you label his views a certain way that may or may not be accurate -all that matters is you don't trust him, you're playing detective even though he told you it's not his - and that's because if it's true it's a dealbreaker. So end it now.  Especially since you extend your dealbreaker to family members who might believe what the flyer says. 

Be proud of your culture and find someone who feels as strongly as you that if any of your family members have a political view that would be inconsistent with his own he would ban that family member from spending time with your future children.  Find that out as early on as possible because in most families there is diversity of opinions on a variety of matters so you're entitled to limit your dating pool and to what you want in a partner but it's going to be hard to find and better to know early on.

And what would you do if your partner's sibling or parent changed their political views and you were already married -would you then from then on not let your children interact with an aunt or grandparent?Give this a lot of thought because many people change their political views for a variety of reasons.  But yes you took a photo of the flyer, you interrogated him, you don't believe him.  Not a good match. Understatement.

Well the problem I see here is that there isn't actually any concrete proof that him or his family are of these political beliefs. She hasn't seen anything except the flyer. The date written on it might not mean anything if the flyer was just handed out and they'd already written the date. Some people who try to spread their religion or political beliefs are actually very pushy and pressure the person to take the flyer, sign a petition, etc. I've fallen victim to this myself sometimes because I'm too nice and didn't know how to say "no".

Also I know not everyone is the same, but if let's say my partner's sibling or parent had some political beliefs but my partner didn't, it wouldn't necessarily bother me. I think of my relationship of being with my partner and not anyone else. I would probably just act polite around that family member and try to avoid discussing political topics. If I loved someone I wouldn't dump them just because their family marriage believes in XYZ. My partner is not their family members. However if it was their own beliefs then that would be different.

[Tinydance]

23 hours ago, whyismylifelikethis said:

obviously we had spoke of this issue before extensively and he knew it was a very big deal to me. he also failed to mention that anybody in his home had these radically different ideas. i knew to an extent, but i did not know they were this hateful. im viewing this a a lie in the form of omission and am ashamed that i made the mistake to stay for so long after this. it has been a small amount of time from when we started dating, and i have decided to end the relationship because he knew this was important to me and failed to mention anyone in his home was this radical. there are political differences and then there's extreme nationalism. i'm sure other families, like most in my own family, are not as hateful.

thank you for your advice. i'm leaving him to protect my future family from hatefulness.

That's your choice of course. Just from what I'm reading it actually seems to me that it's you who's very radical. You found one flyer, he said it's not his but you don't believe him. You're ending a relationship over a flyer. Nor anything he's ever actually said or done, but over finding a flyer on the floor that he said doesn't belong to him. You're not even trying to find more information. If it wasn't my flyer and my partner ended it, I'd actually think I dodged the bullet. I don't need someone accusing me and not trusting what I'm saying.

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

That's about the crux of it. 

I'd be out of there if someone started taking pics of my room and confronting me about stuff lying around. So he might fade out and do it for ya. 

Yeah I think this behaviour is very inappropriate. I also think that if the boyfriend had this very strong political persuasion to the point of getting flyers and attending meetings, he wouldn't lie that it's not his. People who belong to radical political groups would feel so strongly that they wouldn't try to cover it up. They want to spread their message and they would be proud of it.

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I think before considering to break up, you should at least ask him or his family more questions. And look more through his social media or something to see if you find anything. If your relationship has been going well for three months, it seems like a big mistake to end it just over assumptions.

I don't think it's fair at all for her to ask his family any questions at all about their political views. To her it's "white supremacy" -that's her opinion.  In fact it is not.  She is entitled to her opinion that it is.  She's not entitled to interrogate him or his family about whether they are Zionists and/or agree it's "white supremacy".  Especially since she doesn't trust him -his family will see that and will not want their son to be subjected to that sort of treatment.  He should be really upset that she confronted him in the way she did, that she photographed a flyer as if she were gathering evidence.  That she'd accuse him of being dishonest with her because of her extreme view of what being a Zionist means.  If she means well and wishes him well she should walk away now.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Yeah I think this behaviour is very inappropriate. I also think that if the boyfriend had this very strong political persuasion to the point of getting flyers and attending meetings, he wouldn't lie that it's not his. People who belong to radical political groups would feel so strongly that they wouldn't try to cover it up. They want to spread their message and they would be proud of it.

But it's not a radical political group and it depends on the person as to whether and how they share their political views.  It's also not a cult or anything of the sort.  Certainly if I learned someone was a member of a cult I'd be really concerned he would try to get me involved.  This isn't that.  It's a flyer concerning a group that she saw in his room.  She's overlaying it with this "white supremacy" stuff.  I am avoiding getting into the weeds but her definition and her horror at this is quite an extreme reaction as is her insistence that her future children never be around family who are pro Zionist.  She sees it as hateful.  That's ok.  I see her behavior towards him as really inconsistent with a person who wants to get to know someone better in a romantic relationship.  

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

But it's not a radical political group and it depends on the person as to whether and how they share their political views.  It's also not a cult or anything of the sort.  Certainly if I learned someone was a member of a cult I'd be really concerned he would try to get me involved.  This isn't that.  It's a flyer concerning a group that she saw in his room.  She's overlaying it with this "white supremacy" stuff.  I am avoiding getting into the weeds but her definition and her horror at this is quite an extreme reaction as is her insistence that her future children never be around family who are pro Zionist.  She sees it as hateful.  That's ok.  I see her behavior towards him as really inconsistent with a person who wants to get to know someone better in a romantic relationship.  

Well yes I agree with you, I think it is an extreme reaction. And I agree that her reaction seems as either someone not actually into their partner and looking for an excuse to end it. Or someone who feels so strongly about their own political views that they're almost looking for "an argument" or someone to oppose them. Again, I don't actually really know what Zionism is but as we can't discuss politics here much anyway then I don't feel there's a need to comment on Zionism itself.

I think for me personally it would also depend what exactly the flyer meant. E.g. I'm left wing and it's compulsory to vote in Australia. I mean, once you're in the polling booth you can just write nothing or draw silly pictures. But I like to use my vote to actually vote so I vote for some left wing, very open-minded political parties. If for example I found a flyer in my partner's bedroom from a more "right wing" party, yeah I wouldn't be thrilled. But my reaction wouldn't be as strong if I found a Nazi propaganda flyer for example. 

[whyismylifelikethis]

6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well yes I agree with you, I think it is an extreme reaction. And I agree that her reaction seems as either someone not actually into their partner and looking for an excuse to end it. Or someone who feels so strongly about their own political views that they're almost looking for "an argument" or someone to oppose them. Again, I don't actually really know what Zionism is but as we can't discuss politics here much anyway then I don't feel there's a need to comment on Zionism itself.

I think for me personally it would also depend what exactly the flyer meant. E.g. I'm left wing and it's compulsory to vote in Australia. I mean, once you're in the polling booth you can just write nothing or draw silly pictures. But I like to use my vote to actually vote so I vote for some left wing, very open-minded political parties. If for example I found a flyer in my partner's bedroom from a more "right wing" party, yeah I wouldn't be thrilled. But my reaction wouldn't be as strong if I found a Nazi propaganda flyer for example. 

whoa hi a lot of response. alright this is the last time im posting bc this has gotten out of hand, there is a lot more context i left out. the group on the flyer was right wing, i found it on the floor thinking it was my paper, flipped it and there it was. they advocated for the trump travel ban on muslims coming into the US. this was also not the only problem in the relationship, we also had different views on different things, with me being much more left leaning than him. we are also soon to be separated from each other for a long time. seemed that everything was coming to a head during this relationship. but this really upset me personally and stood out. obviously this situation is a lot more complex than simply dumping someone over a poster but this is enotalone and i should have researched this site before expecting quality responses from everybody (except people who actually tried to help me out thanks guys)

also, how do i take a post down or erase my account? can a mod delete everything and stop the thread or? if not, thanks guys but i will not be returning. i wish you all peace recovery from your relationship problems.

 

[Tinydance]

30 minutes ago, whyismylifelikethis said:

whoa hi a lot of response. alright this is the last time im posting bc this has gotten out of hand, there is a lot more context i left out. the group on the flyer was right wing, i found it on the floor thinking it was my paper, flipped it and there it was. they advocated for the trump travel ban on muslims coming into the US. this was also not the only problem in the relationship, we also had different views on different things, with me being much more left leaning than him. we are also soon to be separated from each other for a long time. seemed that everything was coming to a head during this relationship. but this really upset me personally and stood out. obviously this situation is a lot more complex than simply dumping someone over a poster but this is enotalone and i should have researched this site before expecting quality responses from everybody (except people who actually tried to help me out thanks guys)

also, how do i take a post down or erase my account? can a mod delete everything and stop the thread or? if not, thanks guys but i will not be returning. i wish you all peace recovery from your relationship problems.

 

You actually can't delete threads but the moderator can close/lock your thread so nobody will be able to respond anymore if you ask the moderator to do this. I don't think people were trying to judge you or attack you but you actually did leave out a lot of important information. I think people gave comments on what they could see and it's understandable they didn't see the whole picture, because there was no extra explanation. At the end of the day I think if you just have a bad gut feeling about someone, it's probably because they're wrong for you. So if you feel that then yeah it's just not meant to be.

[Capricorn3]

4 hours ago, whyismylifelikethis said:

also, how do i take a post down or erase my account? can a mod delete everything and stop the thread or? if not, thanks guys but i will not be returning.

^ Thread closed.