Caught him lying, How bad is this Lie from 1-10?

[electricorchid]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 8 months now. We're both 26 years young, & since the beginning, we both have always discussed that we're moderate drinkers and non smokers. We immediately clicked because our lifestyles seemed to match effortlessly, and even on our dates I've always noticed he's always very composed, drinks very little and is pretty responsible with alcohol. His family and my family love us together, I love his family as well. 

So as you can see, we seem to be in a very happy relationship. 

For work, he works with his bestfriend, when I first met him.. the bestfriend HAD a girlfriend but they ended 1 mo after we had just begun. The bestfriend is an extremely bad influence, does nothing but drink loads of alcohol twice a week, parties, buys tables at clubs and has become a complete typical women juggler/player. He has never invited me and my bf together to hang out even after I'm made attempts to invite him out with us to get to know him. He never even got a new apartment and never invited me, which I don't take personally at all but it's just what I've noticed. These two have a lot of history together and have been friends for 8 years, yet he makes comments to always insinuate jealously over me and my bf. 

The week before Halloween, I was sitting down next to my boyfriend and a snapchat pops up on his phone with a girls name and a kissy emoji next to it. When he saw that I had seen it, he laughed nervously, turned off the phone and said "Look, I know you just saw that and you have nothing to worry about, she's just a friend and I saw she was out hanging out with someone I knew so I messaged her to tell the person I said Hi." I brushed it off, made a joke about the kissy face next to it. But then, something in my gut just couldnt let that slide... as I remembered that when he met me, he saved my contact with a smiley face surrounded by hearts emoji too. So as I noticed this, I brought it up again and said "Look, with the contact being saved like that.. I'm assuming you have past history with her? I just want you to tell me the truth, like why the random comment to her about that you knew that other person?" and he proceeded to tell me "No, she's not my type, and you seriously have nothing to worry about. And she saved that in her contact like that 5 years ago".... He then tried to victimize himself by saying he was sad that I don't trust him, that he has a girlfriend that doesn't trust him and what I replied was that I DO trust him but if theres anything he's not telling me because why do I feel like he's been doing this more often than I thought? I also wasn't even AWARE that he had snapchat up until this point. He then said that because I have my views on gf/bf platonic relationships (my view is that they are rare and unless one friend zones the other then it's not a real platonic friendship and it depends) that he never tells me about them and I also always give him problems when he wants to go on trips with his single bestie when thats not true. I simply was just questioning why he was so insistent on going when it's to cabo and his friend has very questionable rowdy behavior? He couldn't even go anyways because his father was in town that weekend and I felt like he was trying to blame me or resent me or our relationship for not being able to do these things. I fully have always told him, he can do whatever he wants but im obviously being put in uncomfortable positions when he does certain things and I just ask that he communicates with me and he tells me what he's up to and then i'll be fine. 

We made up, and then 3 days later I still wasn't convinced... My gut senses were still going OFF majorly after this happened, almost like when I used to be single and guys would lie or betray me and I felt the same feeling. So 3 days after that we had a more serious talk even after that (he thought i was going to break up with him and was very defensive) (the day before his father arrived to town) and I told him that If he ever feels like he's resenting me for wanting to talk and chit chat with girls on the internet that are his old friends (he always reaches out to them first, none of them have reached out to him first from what I know btw) and that he has this dire need to go on jet set trips with his rich single friend then I feel it's best to let him go, because it seemed to me in that moment he missed his past life being single. What's interesting is that he got very upset and stern and said " I have done nothing but invest so much in this relationship, I have never cheated on you and never will and the day I even have the thought come up I would break up with you before it ever happends bc I'm not one etc" and "I want to be in this relationship, I have literally shown you that and yet you don't trust me and then that's concerning to me because I don't want to be in a relationship where my girl can't trust me."

To summarize, it took him FOREVER to apologize for hurting me, because he kept saying over and over again he did nothing wrong, he was innocently writing to a female friend that meant nothing to him etc. and then, when I said I needed him to fight for me right now and show me with his actions that I can trust him, he told me he loved me and then hugged me, so then we made up. 

This weekend, I had access to his phone.. I'm not the type to go through someones phone but ever since we first started dating he literally gave me the passcode so I've always had it, but never went through his things.. until yesterday. I found out that last wednesday or so him and his bestfriend had a huge get-together with other girls and guys who smoke weed together and eat edibles. they hired a cook to cook them food and edibles and he never said a word, never invited and invited a girl who (he has mentioned her randomly a week ago saying I should meet her, that's shes "cool"") he kept insisting to pick her up and take her to his besties apt. where they were having this smoke fest. 

the conversations were not sexual, yet there was a lot of "it was so great seeing you let's properly catch up soon" and him replying "same! was great seeing you" etc. I also found several texts dating back to september where he's texting a weed dealer and he's been smoking what seems to be like every week. 

I never told him i went through his phone but yet, Last night When I simply asked him to be honest with me about anything he may not be telling me, or that I wanted to let him know that he can always tell me anything even if he thinks i will judge him for it he lied to me. I mentioned that I was curious to know how often he smokes weed with his bestfriend and he lied again on how many times. I'm tired of this sketchy behavior and the amount of white lies has left me speechless. The way I watched him eyes, not even blink when he said to me that there are zero girls at the apartment when they all smoke and that he's only smoked 2-3 with him. Lies. 

I don't know what to do or say, this guy has been nothing but a special gift in my life but I feel betrayed, I asked him to introduce me to any girlfriends he has so that I'm comfortable around him having any in the first place and he hasn't. For them to throw a 1,000 party with 8 people to smoke weed and there was zero mention of it, and that exact night he didn't answer my phone calls.. needlessly to say NOW i know why is just shocking to me. 

He portrayed to be someone he's not, and now I'm left with two options in my heart. 1. since he's been a good bf besides this weed incident thus far I feel like just making sure we go out and meet and socialize with other couples more often than we have been and maybe he wont miss having to spend time with his other friend who is a total mess. 2. Break up with him, since the other part of me feels like he can't be trusted after I gave him two chances to tell me to my face right then and there if he's smoked with other girls with his bestfriend recently and he's been hiding it. 

What to do.. What to do... What do i do???

[boltnrun]

Here's what the remainder of your relationship will be like:

You will go through his phone (yes, you'll do it again). You will check other means of communication he has such as social media and email. You will try to contact him when he's spending time with that friend of his you don't like. You may even drive past that friend's home when your boyfriend is over there. If you don't live together you will drive past his home to see what he's up to and who he might be with. You may even question his friends and family members to get intel on him. 

You'll do some or all of these things. Your anxiety will be through the roof. You won't be able to relax when he's not with you and you certainly won't be able to when he's with that friend you don't like.

And it's not his friend's fault. Your boyfriend does those things because he likes them and he has fun when he's doing them. His friend is not forcing him.

How do I know this? Because I lived it. It was awful and I'll never do it again.

Instead of putting yourself through all that, how about being in a relationship with someone you're truly compatible with? Yes, you two are good in many ways but you will never be able to fully trust him. 

I vote for realizing you're incompatible and letting him go. Your anxiety will go down to almost zero, I promise.

[Jibralta]

31 minutes ago, electricorchid said:

this guy has been nothing but a special gift in my life

Is "special gift" a euphemism for "liar?"

If you're just looking for arm candy and casual companionship, then no worries. It sounds like he's good for that. 

If you're looking to build a serious relationship, then lose this guy. You can't trust him. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. 

[Andrina]

After typing all of that, I can't believe you'd even consider staying. When you're unattached, you might hang out with friends and be wild and crazy and not have to be accountable to anyone. When you enter into a serious relationship, a person intent on being in a healthy romance will either change the activities they do with wild friend, and if the wild friend isn't interested in toned down activities, that friend is shoved to the back burner.

Because if a friendship is something that interferes with a serious partnership, one of those relationships have to go. They often can't coincide.

Your bf isn't accountable to you. He did not invite you to the party, nor tell you about it. That alone should be a dealbreaker for you. There's one or more reasons he didn't want you there. None of them reasonable.

The bad outweighs whatever charm he schmoozes. If you keep choosing the same type of guy, you might want to reflect on why. Are you missing red flags? Take care and let us know how it goes.

[Kwothe28]

56 minutes ago, electricorchid said:

He then tried to victimize himself by saying he was sad that I don't trust him, that he has a girlfriend that doesn't trust him

 

57 minutes ago, electricorchid said:

he got very upset and stern and said " I have done nothing but invest so much in this relationship, I have never cheated on you and never will and the day I even have the thought come up I would break up with you before it ever happends bc I'm not one etc" and "I want to be in this relationship, I have literally shown you that and yet you don't trust me and then that's concerning to me because I don't want to be in a relationship where my girl can't trust me."

Yeah, this is gaslighting. Shifting blaim that its you that is the problem and that he is innocent. Making you question stuff, even heavy manipulating with threatening break up as "OMG, I cant be in relationship without trust". 

Heavy weed abuse is serious enough reason to break up. And I wouldnt trust him about the girl either. As he did hide all those stuff as well from you so there might be something going on there. So, just cut things now before you indeed become one of those ultra paranoid girlfriends. You cant trust that guy and he showed that to you. That is about it.

[Cherylyn]

He's not completely devoted and loyal to you.  You shouldn't have to look over his shoulder in order to distrust him.  He's complicated.  Beware. 

Something doesn't ring true about him and he doesn't add up.  He's sketchy.

What to do?  Dissolve and exit the relationship. 

[catfeeder]

If I would feel a need to snoop through a lover's phone, that alone would tell me all I need to know.

Relationships are supposed to help us like ourselves.

[MissCanuck]

This relationship is already toast. 

There's no trust and he is not who he presented himself to be. Things will never go back to the way they were, because he was never really being honest about who he is. You can't build a truly solid relationship on lies and deception, and you are two are fundamentally incompatible. 

There is just no point continuing this. 

[lostandhurt]

He is who he is with his friend and his old "girl" friends but with you he is who he thinks you want him to be.  This in itself is a lie because he is not only deceiving you but himself.

He basically wants it all.  Committed relationship but also free to do things behind your back.

  I am sure he is very charming and handsome and says and does all the right things but that is all an act for you and his family.  He hides his true self and after 8 months the cracks in the plaster are starting to be noticed by you.  They will only get worse.

  He has banged at least two of these "friends" in the past and contacts them because he likes the attention and the possibility of sex with them again.  Doesn't matter if he actually acts on it, it only matters that he is contacting them, reaching out to them to keep them close.

  In the end you will break up with him, the only question is when.

Lost

PS  You need to stop with the "You need to fight for me" crap.  All that will get you is a bunch of promises any man thinks you want to hear.  Actions matter, not words...

[Rose Mosse]

He's made his choices and they don't point to any future with you. You were both previously discussing moving in together in a previous thread and you were thinking as far as engagement and a life with this man but I think you have overestimated who he is or overinvested in the short time you've known him. I understand your hopes or expectations have all fallen down and how you feel betrayed.

You had a chance to see different sides of him and also are now aware that he lies to you straightfaced without flinching or so much as a flicker. 

I agree with Kwothe that using weed like that is reason enough to walk away. You're walking into a lifetime of having your relationship governed by substances. I think your bar is way too low. 

It's not about his friend. It's your boyfriend, making poor choices again and again. He won't change and no amount of questioning will change his lifestyle or love in a relationship or how many years you waste down the drain thinking that you have something worthwhile in the making. There's nothing there.

You've realized he doesn't share your lifestyle or your values and can't be honest with you. Do you want to be upset your whole life or just while you end it and get over him? Anything is better than being around poor company. Your life is precious. Don't waste it away with someone like this. 

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It's not about his friend. It's your boyfriend, making poor choices again and again.

This is important too, OP. 

Your boyfriend's friend is not to blame. Your boyfriend is right there with him, enjoying the lifestyle and all that comes with it. He is grown adult fully capable of opting out, but he's not doing so because he likes it, too. 

He likes the attention from women and the weed and the parties. 

[Wiseman2]

At 32 weeks dating, it's time to observe all these lies, games and incompatibilities.

Cut your losses. He wants to be a single party animal, fine, but you want a committed honest decent BF. He's not that.

Stop lecturing and snooping and interrogating. You know the truth about his party behavior and other women.

He doesn't even socialize with you, he's off partying. 

Just tell him it's not working out. No lectures no interrogating no drama.

We are done, then delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Edited November 9, 2021 by Wiseman2

[DancingFool]

How bad are his lies on a scale of 1-10? I'd say about 1,000,000,000,000.

Your entire 8 months of a relationship has been build on lies and deceit. You are also quite in denial and oblivious to the fact that he, your bf, has been intentionally keeping you out of large parts of his life and lies to your face without blinking. When lying fails, he switches that up to gaslighting and blaming you for his bs. This is not a good bf, this is a toxic toxic person you should be running from like your hair is on fire. This isn't going to get better and you can't just stick your head in the sand and pretend you didn't uncover what you have and that everything is just normal. There is nothing normal about your relationship.

If you want to know who the man really is, take a good look at his friends. His friend is not some bad influence, he is someone your bf relates to and enjoys being with. Also, it's not his friend who doesn't invite or include you, it's your bf. Please don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise. If your bf wanted to take you to the parties and so on, you'd be going. Your bf is excluding you and taking other women with him instead.

Please get away from him and going forward, pay closer attention to these kinds of things. Don't put a guy on a pedestal but really look at his life, his friends and how much you are or aren't a part of it. You are trying to act like a normal person and get to know his friends and so on, he has been actively keeping you out and you chose to blame his friend instead of dealing with the real issue - the liar you are dating. Should have dumped him ages ago and if you think back more honestly, you'll see all the red flags you missed from the get go.

[Lambert]

Every person that posts on here about going through their partner's phone, says the same thing. "I would never! " but yet here you are.

Picture in your mind a happy, healthy relationship...  to me? that means trust. Trust that the other person does the right thing by me no matter what. 

No agreements, No I allow you,  No I have to approve friends of the opposite sex, no I have to like your friends, no our family loves us together.

These things are just perceptions, they are not really indicators that you have trust or control. It rather denotes the opposite.

He's lying which comes with gaslighting and is usually just the tip of the iceberg. How people act is who they are. What they say is who they wish they were. 

You are not really in his inner circle. He has another life and set of friends that he keeps separate from you.  

The guy you like and think is so great is all smoke and mirrors. 

I think you're lying to yourself because you don't want these things to be true.  And that is pretty common.  Most relationships do seem to have a good dose of denial. 

So you have to ask yourself, is this the relationship you want? Because his behavior will not change.

Stay in the game. Know it's all BS because you like the looks of it too others

or take better care of yourself and dump his lying butt.

Choice is yours. 

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

If you want to know who the man really is, take a good look at his friends. His friend is not some bad influence, he is someone your bf relates to and enjoys being with.

Yes!!

[Tinydance]

Well to me it just seems that you and your boyfriend actually don't have the same beliefs and values about how to be in a relationship. I've seen a lot of posts here even about different views if your partner is allowed to have opposite gender friends or not. And if the opinion is different then I don't think even based on that a relationship could work. People can have different ideas on how they want their relationship to be, but those ideas would need to align for it to actually work.

For example, I have some male friends and I actually don't care if my partner has female friends. When I was with my ex fiance, we both had opposite gender friends but we were open and honest about it. Also we both really trusted each other so we didn't mind if one of us went to a party or out with friends without the other. We actually had a pretty free relationship but our only agreement was that we are honest and we never cheat on each other, which we never did. 

Having said that, I know there are people who would much prefer their partner had very few or no opposite gender friends, that they didn't go to bars or parties or anything like that. That's also fine, it's just a personal opinion. You said you would prefer that your partner didn't have female friends. You also dislike his best friend of eight years and think he's a bad influence.

The thing is, he's not going to get rid of a best friend of eight years over a somewhat new relationship. And even if you made him get rid of the friend, he would be resentful of that. So basically unfortunately your only option is to either accept this friend or end the relationship.

I think it's bad that your boyfriend lied to you. One thing that I do see as dodgy is that he doesn't invite you to these parties or out with his friends. When you're a couple usually you go to these things as a couple. I'm not sure if he just didn't want you to come because you don't approve of smoking, or if there were other reasons. 

The thing is you actually can't change or control your boyfriend. You're checking his phone, questioning him about his friends, his Snapchat, etc. In my opinion that's too controlling. You're checking and asking him about his every move. I don't think this is a healthy way to be in a relationship. If you want a boyfriend who behaves in particular ways then you need one who is like that to begin with. People don't change and this is who your boyfriend is. He smokes weed, parties and hangs out with a womaniser single guy. That's his life. I think your best option is to find someone else who is a better match for you.

[electricorchid]

On 11/9/2021 at 10:21 AM, DancingFool said:

If you want to know who the man really is, take a good look at his friends. His friend is not some bad influence, he is someone your bf relates to and enjoys being with. Also, it's not his friend who doesn't invite or include you, it's your bf. Please don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise. If your bf wanted to take you to the parties and so on, you'd be going. Your bf is excluding you and taking other women with him instead.

Thankyou for this response. We broke up 3 weeks ago, and I've never felt more relief in my life now that I don't have to deal with the friend nor checking in on him. I ran into him at a party and he looked miserable, I'm feeling much better and I want to thankyou and everyone for your responses! This quote of yours though, really spoke to me. You are who your friends are, and i realized he is exactly like his friend and or aspires to be like him and thats just not what I want. 

[electricorchid]

On 11/9/2021 at 1:19 AM, MissCanuck said:

This is important too, OP. 

Your boyfriend's friend is not to blame. Your boyfriend is right there with him, enjoying the lifestyle and all that comes with it. He is grown adult fully capable of opting out, but he's not doing so because he likes it, too. 

He likes the attention from women and the weed and the parties. 

fully agree with everything you said here. I dumped him! 

[electricorchid]

On 11/9/2021 at 12:49 AM, lostandhurt said:

He basically wants it all.  Committed relationship but also free to do things behind your back.

  I am sure he is very charming and handsome and says and does all the right things but that is all an act for you and his family. 

This triggered me reading this but only because it was so true. He was a class ACT infront of my family and his. Even sometimes to his friends, but the simple fact he was entertaining the attention of other woman and or seeking it desperately was a huge problem so I left him. 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, electricorchid said:

fully agree with everything you said here. I dumped him! 

Good for you, girl. 

This man was not the one.