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Help me make sense of what happened - Few dates with a coworker


temporarycontrol
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I feel like my head is spinning and I'm still just trying to get over everything that's happened. It's a bit of a long story, and maybe even just writing this out will help me get over things. 

I met a girl at work and we hit it off. We were friendly, chatty, and spent a lot of time with each other when we could. We have the kind of job where we travel to different locations/sites, but the days we were together were spent just laughing and joking with each other. So we would text each other every day (every morning we would give each other good morning texts), and eventually I asked her to go for dinner/walk along the river with me. She agreed and we did that. It was extremely fun, and we both ended the night happy (she sent me a text telling me she had fun and that we should go for drinks some time). Anyway, COVID kind of happened and a lot of the bars/restaurants were closed so we didn't really get to do much. So we continued to text and just hang out at work, until she invited me to hang out at her place and just watch a movie. So I went to her place and we watched a movie, but that's all that happened and she seemed kind of uninterested/distracted the entire night. I went home, and here's where things turned sour.

Her texts decreased, her jokes at work kind of stopped, and she just sort of stopped talking to me. Nothing really bad happened to make this happen, but her disinterest really settled in (hindsight now, but at the time I didn't notice, or want to notice it). Anyway after a few more months of just talking and texting I told her about a date that I had with someone (I was set up, didn't really want to go but it was through a family friend), and how horrible it went. She didn't really respond other than a few short texts and just left it at that. I started to lose interest in her, until I found out she was possibly seeing someone else now. Maybe it was the fact that she was dating someone new but I felt like I wanted to see her more and I sat down with her one night and just spilled my guts to her.

I told her everything. I told her I thought about her all the time, I wanted to be with her, and that I know about this guy that she's seeing now (she tried to hide it around me). I didn't expect anything from her, but I also told her I couldn't be her friend while she dated this guy because it was too painful knowing she was with him. I told her I wasn't going to be "friend-zoned", and that if she ever wanted to go for drinks, then let me know. She said that's not going to happen, and I went home in a really awkward way (I wasn't at my best, but I did what I thought at that time would be the best thing for me to do at that time to just move on). 

 

Anyway, fast forward a few months and I'm working with her again. We're not really speaking to each other, but as I'm grabbing my jacket to go for lunch I see she's sitting there quietly just on her phone and I ask her to grab lunch with me. She says sure, and we go for lunch (just grab a quick bite to take back to work). We kind of catch up and joke about stuff, and I ask her how her boyfriend is doing and she tells me "yeah that's not a thing anymore". I just told her I'm sorry and that I hope she's okay. I then tell her "Look, I told you I'd ask you for drinks if you ever broke up with your bf, and I know you said you don't want to go, but just humour me - do you want to go for drinks?" She replies with "well you're already answering for me by saying no". I looked at her seriously and said "for real, want to grab a drink with me?" and she replied "yes". 

We leave work and as I'm leaving I remind her that she'd have to text me when she wanted to go and that I don't have her number as I got rid of it a long time ago. She says "sure" and we leave it at that.

A week goes by and I get no response. We end up at the same work place again and we have a great day hanging out being super friendly and chatty with each other. We work AGAIN with each other the next day, and sometimes we would leave each other notes. I left a note saying "so when are we going for drinks?" and she became super cold to me. Barely spoke more than a sentence or two, and never initiated any sort of conversation with me. I just left it and barely spoke to her the rest of the day.

I get a text from her saying something along the lines of "We can go for drinks someday, but I don't know what it would mean for us". I call her and I tell her that I appreciate her sending me a message and that there's no hard feelings and that I hope we can still be good friends at work. She responds that she's just not happy dating right now and hopes I can understand, and that she changed her mind about getting drinks because she thought it wouldn't be a good idea.

 

Did I do something wrong? Why was she so hot and cold with me? This whole ordeal has been going on for 3-4 months now and I still feel so confused and sick over this situation. Where did I mess up - What can I do in the future to avoid this? Thanks. 

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She doesn't want to date you. Whatever the reason, it's done. I don't think it had anything to do with you...something is or was going on with her life, like an ex bf or someone that she was really interested in messed her up. You just might have been a welcomed distraction way back. Anywho, no mean no. Just move on.

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You’re the one confusing yourself.  Anything less than “yes I’d love to!” Followed by confirming the plan and showing up - means she is not that into you.  Pls don’t settle for less than total enthusiasm. Relationships are hard enough without that spark and core. 

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19 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

She doesn't want to date you. Whatever the reason, it's done. I don't think it had anything to do with you...something is or was going on with her life, like an ex bf or someone that she was really interested in messed her up. You just might have been a welcomed distraction way back. Anywho, no mean no. Just move on.

I don't know why but your response brought me a lot of peace. Thank you. 

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18 minutes ago, temporarycontrol said:

Did I do something wrong? Why was she so hot and cold with me?

When people arent really interested they act in that way. She maybe wanted something(hence the invite for the movie) but then changed her mind or somebody else happened(you say that she had a boyfriend afterward) so she brushed you off. Same for later when she said yes for a drinks but was cold after. In general. you shold avoid "hot and cold" people where they act interested and then "sweep the rug" afterward. And not insist that much. If she doesnt want a date just say "Understandable, have a great day", never call again and move on. It will save you a lot of time.

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Sometime people simply change their minds.  She might have been on the fence about you, but for whatever reason, she changed her mind.  Maybe you freaked her  out with the spilling of the guts event.  You also deleted her number and admitted it to her. Personally, unless the attraction was really strong, I think you scared her away. I don’t want to be super critical here, but you sort of admitted you desperation to her.  I don’t think she found this attractive.  

Just learn from this, never admit you are hopelessly in love with someone or that you (somewhat childishly) deleted their number.  

Edited by sadchick83
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I think she genuinely likes working with you and enjoys you in that context, but outside of that she felt an awkwardness. Maybe because the thing with that other guy developed. But then spilling your guts sent a message that anything outside of work would become too 'meaningful' to you while she's not ready for that.

Sounds like bad timing followed by too much-too-soon.

I'd keep your work relationship fun, but I'd skip any ideas about asking for more. She knows how you feel, and if she's ever up for that, she knows how to communicate it.

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9 hours ago, sadchick83 said:

I don’t want to be super critical here, but you sort of admitted you desperation to her.  I don’t think she found this attractive.

Moreover, your attempted 'power plays' at various times made you look a little bit silly. Examples: telling her that you were dating someone else, informing her that you deleted her number.... kind of eye rollers right there. This comment from her speaks volumes: 

10 hours ago, temporarycontrol said:

"well you're already answering for me by saying no".

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10 hours ago, temporarycontrol said:

  I told her about a date that I had with someone . I told her I wasn't going to be "friend-zoned"

 I remind her that  I got rid of it a long time ago. 

Unfortunately, she's been crystal clear that it's friends/co-workers all along.

Be friendly, professional and stop pressuring her to go out with you.

You were playing too many games telling her about your dates and "losing her number".

Also spilling your guts was unnessary. You don't have "relationship talks" with someone you're not even dating.

If someone is not interested just back off and move forward.

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I don't think you did anything "wrong".

Sometimes things fizzle out. You took a shot and she's letting you know,  probably as gently as she can, she is not interested. 

There could be extenuating circumstances or not. It doesn't matter.

Respect her decision and leave it alone. 

Sorry. It is a disappointment but you'll find someone better and you'll be glad you stopped wasting your time with her 

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14 hours ago, temporarycontrol said:

I don't know why but your response brought me a lot of peace. Thank you. 

Because I'm telling you to stop blaming yourself. Remember it isn't always about you. It's all about perception. If you have confidence in yourself, this wouldn't be eating you up. You didn't fail.

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I don't know if it would have changed anything if you had acted differently, but IMO you were too pushy when she was telling you / implying she wanted to slow down. It seems like she was in a "maybe, maybe not" place about you, and you tried to compensate for her coldness by turning up the heat yourself. This rarely works.

My advice for the future is to give someone space when they start to act colder. Don't spill your guts and tell her that you'll be around if she changes her mind, instead let it quietly sink in that she might be losing you too.

This might not have worked out either way, so don't blame yourself.

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Back off permanently.  Remain professional, respectful, distantly kind and cool.  Don't confide in her and stop texting, calling, etc.  Don't approach her for drinks or any of that.  Act like a colleague; no more no less.  Don't go out to lunch together either. 

Both of you are incompatible.  Accept it and move on.

Treat your job as strictly your job at the workplace. 

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