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Trying To Breakup But Feel Trapped/Guilty


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My GF of 10 months and I broke up a month ago. During that time I've accepted that we are not a good match and the way we are we should not be together. We had an amazing time and all, but our values do not align and things took a toxic turn and trust was broken.

Now she keeps texting me and telling me she loves me and wants to be with me. She is refusing to move on. She has a list of mental health problems and she is stuck in time on a pathological level. In the sense that she hasn't washed her sheets since I last slept in them, she hasn't slept in her bed but on the couch for a month, she has done absolutely nothing that she enjoys that we used to do together. Her days are work, watch the same 5 episodes of whatever show (she didn't tell me I didn't ask), and sleep on the couch. She spent the first 2 weeks numb suppressing her emotions and in denial. She didn't even cry. The next 2 weeks she just existed the way she is now. She hasn't gotten rid of any of our things. She has essentially left her apartment untouched. She hasn't been eating (anorexia is part of her list of mental health conditions). She has turned to substance abuse to cope. I know that me walking away is just going to ruin her. She had a friend who passed (not even a bf) a couple years ago. She repressed and didn't cry for the first several months, she didn't attend the funeral, and only visited his grave after we met 1.5 years after it happened. So I cant imagine how this will affect her. She has no family, and she has only 1 or 2 friends. She has childhood trauma and this is how she copes. I am concerned that in refusing to move on and to confront her grief and work through the emotions this will just be another trauma in her life. She stopped her therapy sessions because they would bring me up and she says it's too painful. What do I do?

I know I'm not responsible for her and her future. I also recognize that she is being self destructive and she doesn't leave herself much room for a future the way she is going. Is there some way to help her? Should I encourage her to do therapy again? Should I just cut her off for a couple months and see what happens? She has attempted suicide in the past and I is verbalizing she is starting to struggle with suicidal feelings again. I would feel a terrible guilt and burden if I cut her off to find out she ended her life. I do care about her and love her. And if she didn't do some of the things I learned she is capable of because of her mental illness we would be together. But I cannot be with her or feel comfortable or secure. What do I do?

I need some real advice about how to approach this situation because it is complicated and needs to be done carefully because her future and maybe even life is potentially at stake. Nothing I said in the above is an exaggeration in the slightest.

Thank you everyone.

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14 minutes ago, volisovskiy said:

She has attempted suicide in the past and I is verbalizing she is starting to struggle with suicidal feelings again.

Suggest she call a mental health hotline (give her the local number) and someone there will talk with her for a while and steer her in the right direction. Do not play with her life. If she threatens suicide call 911 and dispatch them to her address. She doesn't need an ex, she needs an ER, a suicide hotline and a psychiatrist. Do not suggest "therapy". It's inappropriate in a medical emergency.

Edited by Wiseman2
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You are really stuck in a bad situation here.  The more you interact with her the less likely she is to move on in any way but if you don't you fear she will hurt herself.  This in itself is a form of manipulation by her to control you and keep you from leaving permanently. 

You were right to end things with her and get out of the relationship so don't beat yourself up no matter what happens.  It simply was the right thing to do.

  Her mental state is not and cannot be your responsibility and needs to be left to professionals. My best advice for you is to let her friends know how bad things are so they can be there for her as she copes with  the loss of the relationship.  Talk to them if possible and be firm that you are not coming back but you do not want anything bad to happen to her. 

As far as calling 911 goes if she threatens to hurt herself I think that is a good idea as the dispatchers are trained to handle things like that and you are not. Explain the situation clearly so they know what has transpired and they will take it from there.

  Fading away slowly or going total NC is something that has to be figured out by you and your conscience.  If she is going to work and functioning then she may not be as fragile as it appears.  This does need to stop but I am at a loss as how quickly you should cut contact. 

  Lost

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The others are right... and you know you can't manage this situation. 

She does have mental health problems.  So it's not like you caused this.

She is not healthy enough for a relationship and you're right to end it. 

It's difficult that she is having such a hard time but the real problem is she needs medical attention.

Do not contact her. If she contacts you, be kind. Tell her you're sorry things didn't work out for you both and you hope she will get help because it's not healthy for either of you to wallow in the break up. Encourage her to get help. But stay strong and distant in your words.  Ask her to stop calling or whatever way she is contacting you. 

If she threatens harm to herself tell her you are hanging up to call 911. Then do it.

If you stay string and follow thru with distance and not letting her threats manipulate you, she may seek help.

It's not your fault she didn't have a lot of friends or family. You had every right to end things.  Be strong. Let professionals deal with it. 

PS.  I want to add- I've been  real mess after a bad breakup. Sleeping a lot, only going to work, letting my place get cluttered or whatever it is we do when we're heart broken.

In some ways sleeping on the couch for month, letting the place go and only going to work doesn't seem so bad. 

Everyone copes differently. Maybe she's being dramatic to get your attention

Edited by Lambert
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Well in this situation you should be be more concerned about your wellbeing than hers. You broke up and really should be looking after yourself and building your life now. She is an adult and if she is not in a mental or physical state of taking care of herself then i did follow other's advice here. Does she have parents? may be one of her friends can contact them to take care of her. Do not get involved directly and stay away once whomsoever is required to know her current state of health. Let them help her.

 

Edited by Spawn
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Block/delete, stay off social media. Her family/friends know her issues. They will step in. IMO all she is doing is using her mental illness to manipulate you into feeling guilt. There is where the toxicity lies right?

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I would contact several of the suicide prevention hotlines on the Internet for suggested plans, and I would follow the most helpful steps that they suggest. I would also ask them for referrals to resources that are local to me so I can contact them for THEIR suggestions.

One of these steps may include advising ex's friends and family that I believe she could be a danger to herself, and I would suggest that they contact one another and make a plan, because I need to pull away. I believe that further contact from me would be more harmful than helpful, and she may need around the clock attention from them or from professionals they may wish to designate.

My heart goes out to you, and write more if it helps.

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The fact that you know so much of her every day or every moment activities suggests you are in some sort of routine contact with her.   

I get it's hard to walk away and know that the person left behind is in such a state, but once you are no longer a couple, you are not a team.  It's not your place to make this better. 

You need to distance yourself from her.  The more details she shares with you the longer you two stay attached and connected.  It's like an alcoholic going through withdrawals and you (alcohol) are a continual temptation.  The temptation needs to removed.

I would guess she's aware of your concern.  If that's the case all the negative coping behaviors are working for her to some degree, if it keeps you tied to her.  Your concern rewards her bad behavior.

Call her family or a friend of hers and remove yourself from the situation.

Edited by reinventmyself
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Both of you broke up a month ago.  Text your ex-girlfriend this:  "Please do not contact me.  Thank you.  Please seek professional help.  I wish you all the best.  Your Name."  Then ignore, ghost, block and delete her permanently.  

You are not responsible for your ex-girlfriend.  Everyone is responsible for their own lives.  Move on. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Block her on social media and email.
  • Tell her family and friends of her threats contacting them on social media or by phone if you have their contact information
  • Immediately stop taking her calls and block her number. You being kind and talking to her every time is giving her the attention she is after. She is manipulating and guilt tripping you into giving her the attention, just cut her off.
  • She said she tried to commit suicide before, but you have no proof of that. Narcissists lie to get what they want out of others using any emotional tool they think will work on you. 
  • Accept that there is nothing you can do with this batshyt crazy chick. She needs professional help.
  • If she should find a way to contact you again, call police and request a MENTAL HEALTH CHECK. let them know what she said. Provide her address and name and history of mental illness. They will send qualified officers to handle a mental health crisis. She may be taken to a mental health hospital and held for 72 hour observation for her own protection. That will let her know you are nott impacted by her manipulative games, and it will let her know that you will take a strong position against her nonsense. Do that every time she tries to contact you. 
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It's not like you were married or together for a decade or more.

It was a brief 10 month thing, she's clearly got major issues you don't owe her the time of day. Not that the time matters since she's apparently stuck in a pathological time loop or something.

If it was me I'd cut her off completely but if you've got a problem doing that I suppose you could try to be a supportive friend and be there if just to listen. But again if it was me, no way.

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