I cut my sister off...mixed feelings

[glamguru]

Okay so...it's a lot of information but I want to give you guys a very objective run down of the situation. So this is my younger sister who I consider my soul mate in many ways. She was my best friend growing up and we got along so well, that other people were often jealous of our bond that I consider healthy (other than typical sibling arguments). She's in a dark period in her life right now, battling mental health and very low self-esteem. I have been supporting her-or trying my best too! Some more background info...our parents are narcissists and I was the scapegoat child mostly in the eyes of my step-father (my sister's biological father) and my sister was the scapegoat in the eyes of my mom who saw her as competition for my step-father's love (toxic, I know). I was my mom's golden child and my sister was my dad's. This never affected our relationship, we cried & laughed about it and supported each other...always.

 

 

Now brings us to the present moment...my sister and I went on a road trip with a mutual friend we recently met (our first time sharing a friend) and this friend is very outgoing, so her and I hit it off. My sister is more introverted. We tried our best to include her in the conversation but my sister had an attitude from the first day of the trip. I brushed it off. The next day, she lashed out on me for missing her call (my phone was in my pocket for TWO minutes) and she said "you're not my ***ing sister" and stormed off. The rest of the trip was awkward because I was deeply hurt for her random outburst. We drove home in silence and that was that. I didn't hear from her in a week and I of course was expecting an apology (keep in mind, I paid for this trip, was the one who invited her in the first place...drove...etc.- all so I can spend time with her and give her a good time). So I felt owed an apology for her lashing out on me just because I missed her call.

 

Turns out she was telling my parents ( I don't live with them) a completely different story. She said that I am an insecure person who tried to make her look bad in front of our mutual friend and we left her out. This is deeply hurtful because the opposite is true. We tried to include her and I'm not the type of person to make someone look bad to make myself look better...especially my sister? Like why would I do that? I asked her to give me examples because I'm genuinely open in listening to where I could have gone wrong so I can correct it but she didn't give any. She also accused me of lying that she said I wasn't her ***ing sister, when she really did say that...verbatim. We ended up talking and she gaslit the crap out of me that what really happened-didn't happen and called me names and attacked my character. Basically said I had bad intentions towards her and thought negatively towards her when i've always been a warm mother figure and she would attest to that every other time. I know how I feel about her so being accused of this is very hurtful. Especially because our dad would lash out on me and call me jealous of her when I know my heart and I know that I never was. After that I basically texted her "don't contact me again". Her birthday was two days after (the big 20) and I didn't reach out. I'm torn because I love my sister a lot, but I also feel so deeply hurt and disrespected. It didn't feel right to ignore what happened and wish her a happy birthday. I felt like that would be disrespecting myself. Am I being too prideful? Do I have a right in setting this boundary or did I go too far in cutting her off completely? Being falsely accused and having my character attacked is a big trigger of mine (from dad) so i'm aware that emotions are running high, especially because I didn't expect this from the person I trusted the most. 

[Cherylyn]

No, you're not being too prideful.  Yes, you have every right to enforce healthy boundaries. 

Cutting her off completely was rather severe though.  You have to be careful with that type of finality.  It happened to me after conflict and confrontation with my younger sister and mother.  Even though the discord was not my fault, I had to grovel and apologize in order to get back into their good graces and continue to be included at family gatherings, holidays, special occasions and the like.  

I understand regarding false accusations.  I agree, it is most infuriating. 😡 Even though my story is not the same as yours, the same thing happened to me. 

I think there is a way to be a peaceful person despite your anger, the lies and unjust treatment by your sister. 

I've come to the conclusion that there is a lot you cannot control in life including people and their actions.  The hard question is this:  "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"  This means do you want life to be fair or is peace good enough for you?  Nowadays, I always choose the latter.

If you want peace, you can make amends without any declarations, angry outbursts, mad texts and the like.  Send her a belated "Happy Birthday" greeting without gushing and without being sugary, syrupy sweet.  Don't be unnaturally nice.  Be polite and brief.  Practice good diplomacy.  Keep it to the point, brief yet civil.  Either send her a safe, generic GIF via text or a belated postal birthday greeting card.  

As for her lying, you can't do anything about that.  The more you try to prove to her and your parents that she lied, the more fighting ensues.  All you can do is possess grace, aplomb, good manners, remain polite, respectful yet maintain a safe, cool, frosty distance.  Those are your boundaries with them.  You can't control how people act or how they think.  All you can do is control yourself and hold yourself to a higher, classy standard.  This tactic works for me and I hope it will work for you, too.  All is well. 

I'm very well aware of gaslighting psychological warfare.  Gaslighters lack emotional intelligence (empathy).  Gaslighters are afflicted with a serious mental disorder for which there is no cure.   It's best to steer clear of complicated, complex, disturbing personalities and characters.  Stay away and learn to avoid them! 

Something similar happened to me with my sister.  My mother is her ally and I am the one who was perceived as the insane one.  I can't win and neither can you.  You can explain all you want until you're blue in the face to no avail.  You will only fall on deaf ears.  To them, all you are is noise. 

Try my tactic because this is your way of empowerment and control which benefits you.  Don't get mad.  Get smart.  Become more shrewd and you've got this. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, glamguru said:

 a very objective run down of the situation. 

There's 2 sides to every story. You're both adults so your parents shouldn't have to referee as if you're kindergartners.

It was nasty and passive aggressive to deliberately not wish her bday wishes.

She doesn't owe you anything. An apology or anything else. You were equally nasty.

You both have your side of the story and you're both digging your heels in. No one is the saint or victim here.

Just a catfight. Step back cool off keep your ego in check and take a deep breath.

 

[melancholy123]

I agree with everything Cherylyn said.

[SooSad33]

15 hours ago, glamguru said:

So I felt owed an apology for her lashing out on me just because I missed her call.

It was not about you missing the call.. It was just her venting.

 

15 hours ago, glamguru said:

he said that I am an insecure person who tried to make her look bad in front of our mutual friend and we left her out. This is deeply hurtful because the opposite is true

So, she has picked up a trait from your parents?

 

15 hours ago, glamguru said:

She also accused me of lying that she said I wasn't her ***ing sister, when she really did say that...verbatim. We ended up talking and she gaslit the crap out of me that what really happened-didn't happen and called me names and attacked my character. Basically said I had bad intentions towards her and thought negatively towards her when i've always been a warm mother figure and she would attest to that every other time. I know how I feel about her so being accused of this is very hurtful. Especially because our dad would lash out on me and call me jealous of her when I know my heart and I know that I never was

Is all toxic.

So, you pulled away, for your own good and that's fine.

At this time, no, I don;t see you avoiding her as a bad thing, even it if was for her b-day.  She was the one lashing out.

 

Sometimes we need to back away and think on things..what's good for us and not so good.  You are thinking for yourself and how you do not deserve to be treated.

I've had to disown some toxic people and that includes a cpl sisters.  Takes time to work through the emotions & acceptance, but if it's for the best ( our mentality), then, sometimes it's needed.

IF she reaches out again, and continues to go at you, I suggest you then end it all.. As she will just be no good for you.

Sorry this is hurting you 😕 .  But you do need to see the red flags... and take care of yourself.

 

[Coily]

My aunts had a big falling out and didn't speak for nearly a year, because both were stubborn. I see elements of this in your story, I would encourage you to send a text or email on occasion to her; but don't waste your time over the details of her problems. Either time will heal the rift, and if not you have taken efforts to let bygones be bygones.