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How to get over work crush


Fluffymomo
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Want to give some updates of today. We all went to a team happy hours today. I purposely avoided him and joined in the group with my other male colleagues because females don’t like me… I noticed he was staring at me a few times and had a smile on his face when I looked at him. But he also backed off? Normally he’s a very talkative boss but for some reason he went to approach all of the other groups except the group I am with. I think he got the message and would back off moving forward . I also have an interview scheduled this Friday so fingers crossed! 

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5 hours ago, Fluffymomo said:

Actually to the opposite, they were all eager to please him and try to get his attention whenever he’s around. They would even go beyond the point showing the clothes they bought, their new shoes etc 

So you're saying that normal women do want gross married men that ogle their boobs?

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6 hours ago, Fluffymomo said:

I don’t think he will demand sexual favors as this would be seen as a huge scandal. We are large public traded firm, this will sure end his career.

So was Activision Blizzard. One of the largest ones in fact. Still didnt stop one poor girl to kill herself over such case or for a bunch of them to have something called "Cosby suite". Take a wild guess what they did there.

Anyway, you are being far too naive about something that happens more or less at probably every company. And you should be way more careful about stuff like that.

Edited by Kwothe28
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If you want "females" to like you treat yourself with dignity and respect -then people no matter their gender will tend to treat you with respect. I'm glad you avoided him and you are interviewing and just focus on work and not whether people are showing off the clothes and accessories they purchased or seeming to flirt.  Waste of your time and you seem to generalize about females in a negative way as it is so perhaps better to train yourself to focus more on work.

A number of my most important mentors are women - you're shooting yourself in the foot if you start telling yourself stories about how it's not you -it's "females" who are -what - catty? Some other stereotype? You'll end up sabotaging your job and promotion chances if you continue down that path.

Edited by Batya33
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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If you want "females" to like you treat yourself with dignity and respect -then people no matter their gender will tend to treat you with respect. I'm glad you avoided him and you are interviewing and just focus on work and not whether people are showing off the clothes and accessories they purchased or seeming to flirt.  Waste of your time and you seem to generalize about females in a negative way as it is so perhaps better to train yourself to focus more on work.

A number of my most important mentors are women - you're shooting yourself in the foot if you start telling yourself stories about how it's not you -it's "females" who are -what - catty? Some other stereotype? You'll end up sabotaging your job and promotion chances if you continue down that path.

How did I not treat myself with dignity and respect? Again, I am stating my observation of my current workplace and I have some of the most amazing female mentors in my life. Not saying all the females just want to compete for guy’s attention . I am just saying the org structures at this place and his behavior seem to stir up female compete against each others instead of helping..

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45 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

How did I not treat myself with dignity and respect? Again, I am stating my observation of my current workplace and I have some of the most amazing female mentors in my life. Not saying all the females just want to compete for guy’s attention . I am just saying the org structures at this place and his behavior seem to stir up female compete against each others instead of helping..

Well no - you made choices to continue to interact with him on a personal level despite knowing his penchant for checking out your private parts.  Yes, now that you are keeping your distance you're behaving appropriately.  I think your coworkers -female or male - noticed how you were behaving in the past and reacted as they did.  I'm glad you're moving on!

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40 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Well no - you made choices to continue to interact with him on a personal level despite knowing his penchant for checking out your private parts.  Yes, now that you are keeping your distance you're behaving appropriately.  I think your coworkers -female or male - noticed how you were behaving in the past and reacted as they did.  I'm glad you're moving on!

So am I supposed to tell the c suite person to fk off when he came to me to start a conversation? I think you are making a lot of assumptions and putting all the blames on me even though you don’t even know me lol

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27 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

So am I supposed to tell the c suite person to fk off when he came to me to start a conversation? I think you are making a lot of assumptions and putting all the blames on me even though you don’t even know me lol

It's not necessary to go to that extreme. But you yourself said you have a crush on this man and you're having trouble getting over it to the extent you are trying to leave the company. When you have a crush on someone it's fairly obvious even if you think no one can tell.

There was a guy who I thought had a bit of a crush on me at work. So when he approached my desk I would politely say hello, then bury myself in my laptop and type furiously, even if I was just typing nonsense.

You could have responded to his questions about your dog by saying "He/she's fine, thanks for asking." Then if he persisted just say "I appreciate you asking but I really need to work on A, B and C." A bit of frost usually shows clearly you aren't interested in getting personal. And if he's a boss? Even more reason to shut it down.

No one is "blaming" you for his attention to you but it's important to put a stop to it immediately. It makes for a better work environment.

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38 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It's not necessary to go to that extreme. But you yourself said you have a crush on this man and you're having trouble getting over it to the extent you are trying to leave the company. When you have a crush on someone it's fairly obvious even if you think no one can tell.

There was a guy who I thought had a bit of a crush on me at work. So when he approached my desk I would politely say hello, then bury myself in my laptop and type furiously, even if I was just typing nonsense.

You could have responded to his questions about your dog by saying "He/she's fine, thanks for asking." Then if he persisted just say "I appreciate you asking but I really need to work on A, B and C." A bit of frost usually shows clearly you aren't interested in getting personal. And if he's a boss? Even more reason to shut it down.

No one is "blaming" you for his attention to you but it's important to put a stop to it immediately. It makes for a better work environment.

I am leaving the company because it’s a toxic environment and I don’t see myself continue to grow and plus my crush on him obviously didn’t help.. But I am not leaving the company just because my feelings for him. 
 

I have been trying to dodge him as best as I can and I don’t agree with some of the responses above saying that my colleagues were frosty to me because “ we were flirting and it’s obvious”.. I never flirt with the dude once… 

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42 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

I am leaving the company because it’s a toxic environment and I don’t see myself continue to grow and plus my crush on him obviously didn’t help..

Excellent. Keep everything civil and on good terms. Make sure you connect to colleagues you got along with well on LinkedIn and stay in touch for networking.

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Keep everything civil and on good terms. Make sure you connect to colleagues you got along with well on LinkedIn and stay in touch for networking.

Yeah now that i can see it more clearly, I really felt like maybe he was doing it out of kindness at the beginning, definitely some kind of manipulation towards the end. Also I heard some of the gossips about him from my colleagues today.. Felt like he’s still a frat boy at heart although he’s a grown married man.. 

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Boltnrun explained my response.  No need to get defensive.  I would do what she suggested.  Good luck and I agree you shouldn’t work there anymore. I don’t think kindness was his motivator. He knew he was married and at a supervisory level.  If he’d wanted to be kind he would have gone about it an appropriate way consistent with a work environment. 

Edited by Batya33
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In the end, what it all comes down to is a lesson learned so as to not repeat this in the next workplace.  Business stays strictly business and married men are off limits at all times, no matter how "kind or nice" they are.  That goes for ALL colleagues, not only married men.  Lesson learned.  Stick to the job at hand.

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2 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

In the end, what it all comes down to is a lesson learned so as to not repeat this in the next workplace.  Business stays strictly business and married men are off limits at all times, no matter how "kind or nice" they are.  That goes for ALL colleagues, not only married men.  Lesson learned.  Stick to the job at hand.

So I guess the lesson learned is man can’t be kind for no reason lol?

 

idk for a while he seem like such a good family man even bring up his wife in our conversations a lot…

I

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4 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

So I guess the lesson learned is man can’t be kind for no reason lol?

idk for a while he seem like such a good family man even bring up his wife in our conversations a lot…

Ok OP, it seems you are deliberately missing the point and being stubborn now.  Or are you really just that naive?  If you haven't learned anything from all of this, then all one can say is good luck to you.

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22 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I guess I don't see how him staring at your boobs (which you said he did) is "kind and nice".

Anyway...I hope the interview goes well.

Obviously that happened later.. which I reacted by distance myself away from him.. I was saying that I still think his motive was out of kindness when he gave me the time off when I tried to resign… I wouldn’t describe him as kind of all he does was just eyeing my boobs from the start

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5 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

What point did I miss?

Please go back to the very beginning and re-read your entire thread.  It's all there.  I'm not going to repeat everything.  I've already summarized it in a post above ("In the end, what it all comes down to is a lesson learned so as to not repeat this in the next workplace.  Business stays strictly business and married men are off limits at all times, no matter how "kind or nice" they are.  That goes for ALL colleagues, not only married men.  Lesson learned.  Stick to the job at hand." ). If you don't see it then there's not much anyone can do to help.  I'm done.

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Here’s how to be kind in the workplace : donate $ when asked by your supervisor to help a colleague who lost a loved one or whose loved one is ill. say to the person “I’m so sorry to hear about your loss.  I hope you are doing ok “.  
Offer to work more or late for a coworker who has to race home for a family emergency.  Tell a coworker who you know loves a certain type of novel if you recently read one she’d like - especially if you know she’s been working very hard or been stressed. 

Offer to give some of your accrued vacation to a coworker who needs fo care for a family member longer term. This was given to my late cousin’s husband many years ago by his coworkers.   Even hearing about it I was overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity. 
Am I stating the obvious?  Probably but your responses tell me you might do well with a refresher on those points. 

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25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Here’s how to be kind in the workplace : donate $ when asked by your supervisor to help a colleague who lost a loved one or whose loved one is ill. say to the person “I’m so sorry to hear about your loss.  I hope you are doing ok “.  
Offer to work more or late for a coworker who has to race home for a family emergency.  Tell a coworker who you know loves a certain type of novel if you recently read one she’d like - especially if you know she’s been working very hard or been stressed. 

Offer to give some of your accrued vacation to a coworker who needs fo care for a family member longer term. This was given to my late cousin’s husband many years ago by his coworkers.   Even hearing about it I was overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity. 
Am I stating the obvious?  Probably but your responses tell me you might do well with a refresher on those points. 

Yeah he gave me a month off with full pay…

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41 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

Yeah he gave me a month off with full pay…

So that is not "kind" -that is a boss's decision and it is kind if it is fair -meaning if this is something the company routinely does in a similar situation.  If not, it might be suspicious, unfair, or overstepping for less than kind motives.  

And balanced against the unprofessional things he did -no, overall not kind in the context of a work environment.

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Move on from this and be very professional in future, you know something is not right about it but your heart is leaning on to something that's not there in the first place.

Don't let such people get into your head or heart, read up on boundaries and try practising it often. It will really help you stay out of all this super dramatic bozos in life.

there is no fun getting involved with such scumbags.

 

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