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In laws house new baby


Maja See
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I’ve been together with my spouse for about 11 years now… ever since the beginning of our relationship we have lived in separate homes with our parents.. about 6 years ago we moved in and things have been good… as of this year we are expecting our first baby… we are so happy and excited… except for one thing his moms house… she unfortunately has a cluttered home to say the least and I don’t feel like it’s under the conditions for my baby to be around. I will NEVER remove my baby or boyfriend from mothers life that is not the case here… we all have a really good relationship, but unfortunately his grandfather lives in his mothers house and he is handicapped which would force me to have to take my baby over at her house… we have attempted to help her clean and we have also asked her to clean which I know it’s so rude and not ok from our end since we should never tell anyone how to have their personal space… and I’ve known of her living conditions since the beginning of our relationship, but I just feel like now it’s different since we have a new born baby coming in the picture… I wouldn’t want my baby around dirty floors, fleas, roaches and more, but at the same time because of his grandfather it breaks my heart knowing because of his age we are not sure how many more memories we would have with him… am I exaggerating? Should I back off? Or Should I continue to speak to my boyfriend about my discomfort?

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Mainly is his grandfather he is disabled and elderly.. he doesn’t have the strength or energy to come to our home… and I don’t want him to miss out on his great grand baby… but at the same time the living conditions are a concern to me being a first time mom and wanting to already protect my child and not wanting her to get climbed on by insects and in a place that is not semi clean… I am not asking for spotless because I understand she has other priorities, but I am asking for a safer environment 😞 I don’t know if I’m asking for too much 

 

by the way thank you so happy to welcome our baby home  

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Hoarders do not and will not change. Stop having that conversation with your BF. 

Do not bring an infant or child to this home. Hoarder's dwellings have visible and invisible health hazards. Particularly for infants and pregnant women.

Would you take your child to a toxic waste dump? Of course not. Who is pressuring you to go there or to clean this place up?

Hoarders choose to live this way and if they have health hazards as a result, it's their choice. However an infant has no choice inhaling toxic mold and other health hazards . 

Stop trying to change your BFs mother or grandparents. Stop trying to clean up the place. It's their issue. There's plenty of hoarding clean up services. However they would have to choose to engage that.

If your BFs mother and grandfather choose trash, filth, insects, etc over you and a child... it's their choice.

Your choice should be to avoid this toxicity.  It's your responsibility to protect your health your pregnancy and your newborn. Not keep talking at your BF about it.

Be reasonable. A child's safety is far more important than seeing your BFs grandfather.

The main concern is you and your BFs own home. Provide a safe environment for your child.

Talk to your doctor and get appropriate facts on pregnancy, newborn care and research the health hazards of hoarding.

Do not subject an infant to toxic waste. 

Edited by Wiseman2
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I had a similar situation but they did have someone regularly clean and the living room area was clean enough but once he was walking/ crawling I never let him crawl on the floor and I brought a pack n play for naps (never stayed there overnight). And I brought my own food for him.  Can the grandfather hang out outside the house in the backyard?  I wouldn't bring an infant into a very dirty environment or where there might be a lot of mold, etc.  I know you want him to see the baby -see if you can have the meeting outside.

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13 hours ago, Maja See said:

Mainly is his grandfather he is disabled and elderly.. he doesn’t have the strength or energy to come to our home… and I don’t want him to miss out on his great grand baby… but at the same time the living conditions are a concern to me being a first time mom and wanting to already protect my child and not wanting her to get climbed on by insects and in a place that is not semi clean… I am not asking for spotless because I understand she has other priorities, but I am asking for a safer environment 😞 I don’t know if I’m asking for too much 

 

by the way thank you so happy to welcome our baby home  

I agree with Batya33.  Meet outside or somewhere in public not far from his grandfather's house. 

I prefer my clean house.  Also,  when both of my sons were babies, no one was allowed to hold them unless they washed their hands first!  I was extremely strict about cleanliness.   No one wears shoes indoors either.  We don't want to track in dirt and bacteria from outside.  This habit keeps my floors and carpets cleaner longer.   Or, I give guests (or contractors) new disposable shoe covers if they prefer not to remove their shoes whenever they're indoors. 

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Following up on Cheryln’s point I’d simply say “doctor’s orders” as far as newborn not allowed to be exposed to to toxic fumes or too much dirt.  I got lots of pushback for the “take your shoes off” and later “please put any medicines you brought on a high shelf “ and “no you’re not holding my two week old infant even if you wash your hands “ and “no you can’t just touch his feet.  He eats them “.  I was total mama bear and oh well people got upset with me. But - I also didn’t ask these same people to help me or babysit etc. not saying you are just saying be careful as far as accepting help or gifts. 

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Following up on Cheryln’s point I’d simply say “doctor’s orders” as far as newborn not allowed to be exposed to to toxic fumes or too much dirt.  I got lots of pushback for the “take your shoes off” and later “please put any medicines you brought on a high shelf “ and “no you’re not holding my two week old infant even if you wash your hands “ and “no you can’t just touch his feet.  He eats them “.  I was total mama bear and oh well people got upset with me. But - I also didn’t ask these same people to help me or babysit etc. not saying you are just saying be careful as far as accepting help or gifts. 

I didn't allow a lot of people to hold my baby either.  The only exceptions were my siblings, mother, MIL / FIL and that's it.  I was adamant about doing things my way and I'm glad I did.  No regrets.

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They live in an apartment building… we are more middle class, so we don’t have back yards lol, but I will try this out having him just see the baby outside the apartment 👍🏼 Even if it’s just for an hour or a couple of minutes… that’s better than nothing… this is a hard decision specially because of his grandfather condition and age, but I’m in hopes that it does all work out for me and my family 

 

I appreciate each and every comment that was made thank you all 💕 

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16 hours ago, Maja See said:

we have attempted to help her clean

Don't do this. Especially while pregnant. You should not be around biohazardous material such as insects, animal waste, rotting food or mold, mildew or toxic insecticides, cleaning products etc. Research it. It's not about "tidy" or "messy" If there are insect infestations.

Most places like this require a service equipped with HazMat protective gear to clean up. However sadly it will look this bad again in a few months. Hoarding is classified in the DSM5 as a disorder in itself but also has frequent associated mental heath issues.  Sadly it also runs in families.

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1 minute ago, Maja See said:

They live in an apartment building… we are more middle class, so we don’t have back yards lol, but I will try this out having him just see the baby outside the apartment 👍🏼 Even if it’s just for an hour or a couple of minutes… that’s better than nothing… this is a hard decision specially because of his grandfather condition and age, but I’m in hopes that it does all work out for me and my family 

 

I appreciate each and every comment that was made thank you all 💕 

My friend has a 13 year old. When she was a newborn her father in law came to visit their apartment. He had a terrible cough.  Her husband wouldn’t step in and have his father leave.  The baby got croup and my friend had to spend long nights with her in a steamy bathroom so the baby could breathe.  Scary.  Can you do face time ?

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Yes I’ve informed myself of all of this my spouse interesting enough works in the janitorial service field as a manager so he knows all the hazards…

it’s mainly my spouse helping when we go… but that was like last month ever since then we have decided not to go back to help clean since no effort was put into actually cleaning “too many breaks” lol, but yes definitely is helping them clean has stopped 

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Yes I will be extremely careful that’s why this is so much as a concern to me speacially with covid and other viruses I definitely don’t need a sick baby and my heart as a mother would make me feel guilt I much rather protect my child so definitely as many protective procedures as I can take I will make those choices and protect myself and baby first 

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Yikes. Who is the hoarder, her or the grandpa or both? 

I think you have to do what's best for your baby, and it sure doesn't sound like that place is safe. 

If they live in an apartment, how the heck is she getting away with that without management getting involved? And to be caring for someone vulnerable in that environment, that's so concerning for grandpa. It's not like he can easily leave or do the cleaning himself. Ugh, that's terrible. 

 

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