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Confused


Daisy Brown
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Why do I constantly think about my own mistakes and doubt myself after exiting an abusive relationship? More often than not I find myself ruminating about my own negative behavior instead of his, despite what I did to him was nothing compared to what he was doing to me, as stated by my closest friends and family.

 

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Because he's trained you to believe everything is your fault and everything you do is wrong. You have to work on erasing that mindset. Counseling would be a great way to reprogram yourself away from believing anything that awful man says.

It's good you blocked him. You don't need to give him one second more of your time or attention.

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I second counselling and a whole lotta lovin on you. Spend time with your friends and family. Be with people who care and love you, truly. Take some time to understand your choices also so that you don't make the same mistakes twice.

Find productive things to do with yourself too. Life is about living, don't spend it all thinking about the past or stuck too far back in it.

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17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Because he's trained you to believe everything is your fault and everything you do is wrong. You have to work on erasing that mindset. Counseling would be a great way to reprogram yourself away from believing anything that awful man says.

It's good you blocked him. You don't need to give him one second more of your time or attention.

Appreciate all your kind answers the past few days, you have a good heart

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6 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I second counselling and a whole lotta lovin on you. Spend time with your friends and family. Be with people who care and love you, truly. Take some time to understand your choices also so that you don't make the same mistakes twice.

Find productive things to do with yourself too. Life is about living, don't spend it all thinking about the past or stuck too far back in it.

Thank you so much❤️

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Because if you didn't second guess yourself, you wouldn't be human.  Most people with a moral conscience ruminate and ask themselves if they could've done anything differently if they could do it all over again.  I know I do. 

Your friends and family are right because they stepped back and gave you their opinions from their observations and they are perceptive. 

I've tried to cast those regrettable thoughts aside though.  Many times, it is the other person who made your life hell to the point where you needed to exit the relationship.  Or in other cases, friendships.  Not every relationship was meant to be.  Being incompatible with vastly different personalities and characters results in going your separate ways sooner or later. 

Whenever I've had a bad experience with anyone, instead of beating myself up about it, I've changed my way of thinking.  Nowadays, I tell myself that bad experiences teach you how to become wiser in the future.  In the future, you'll take longer pauses to think long and hard before you choose someone to be in your life or you'll find it easier to reject some people who don't qualify to be in your life.  You no longer prolong the misery.  You reject quicker.  This was wisdom gained.  You no longer waste your precious time and energy with people who are not good enough for you.  Your standards are higher now. 

When I was younger and very naive, I did a lot of wishful thinking and expected a lot more out of people.  I became sorely disappointed very easily.  I no longer expect much from people anymore.  Those days are over.  Nowadays, I accept people as they are warts and all and if I don't like them nor tolerate them, they exit my life quickly because I don't spend time, energy, resources and labor on them.  It's better to be alone with relief and less stress than lonely with the wrong person in your life.  Shop around.  

If you have any improvements and regrets, then change for the better.  However, keep in mind, the other person must have high quality character in order to harmonize with you otherwise the relationship will become abusive in its own way eventually.  Make sure your radar is up.  Become very picky and choosy because it will pay off later.  Haste makes waste.   Never settle for a subpar person.  Only stellar characters qualify to be in your life.  Everyone else is an automatic reject which is a no brainer.

 

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7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Because he's trained you to believe everything is your fault and everything you do is wrong. You have to work on erasing that mindset. Counseling would be a great way to reprogram yourself away from believing anything that awful man says.

It's good you blocked him. You don't need to give him one second more of your time or attention.

6 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

Appreciate all your kind answers the past few days, you have a good heart


Agreed with the poster above. They also want power over you. It makes them feel better about themself knowing that you were the one in the wrong instead of them. It feels good for a toxic person to know it was the other persons fault, not their’s. It’s also apart of being in control.

 

 

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9 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Because if you didn't second guess yourself, you wouldn't be human.  Most people with a moral conscience ruminate and ask themselves if they could've done anything differently if they could do it all over again.  I know I do. 

Your friends and family are right because they stepped back and gave you their opinions from their observations and they are perceptive. 

I've tried to cast those regrettable thoughts aside though.  Many times, it is the other person who made your life hell to the point where you needed to exit the relationship.  Or in other cases, friendships.  Not every relationship was meant to be.  Being incompatible with vastly different personalities and characters results in going your separate ways sooner or later. 

Whenever I've had a bad experience with anyone, instead of beating myself up about it, I've changed my way of thinking.  Nowadays, I tell myself that bad experiences teach you how to become wiser in the future.  In the future, you'll take longer pauses to think long and hard before you choose someone to be in your life or you'll find it easier to reject some people who don't qualify to be in your life.  You no longer prolong the misery.  You reject quicker.  This was wisdom gained.  You no longer waste your precious time and energy with people who are not good enough for you.  Your standards are higher now. 

When I was younger and very naive, I did a lot of wishful thinking and expected a lot more out of people.  I became sorely disappointed very easily.  I no longer expect much from people anymore.  Those days are over.  Nowadays, I accept people as they are warts and all and if I don't like them nor tolerate them, they exit my life quickly because I don't spend time, energy, resources and labor on them.  It's better to be alone with relief and less stress than lonely with the wrong person in your life.  Shop around.  

If you have any improvements and regrets, then change for the better.  However, keep in mind, the other person must have high quality character in order to harmonize with you otherwise the relationship will become abusive in its own way eventually.  Make sure your radar is up.  Become very picky and choosy because it will pay off later.  Haste makes waste.   Never settle for a subpar person.  Only stellar characters qualify to be in your life.  Everyone else is an automatic reject which is a no brainer.

 

That’s beautiful advice, thank you so much❤️

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2 hours ago, Madlike said:


Agreed with the poster above. They also want power over you. It makes them feel better about themself knowing that you were the one in the wrong instead of them. It feels good for a toxic person to know it was the other persons fault, not their’s. It’s also apart of being in control.

 

 

Exactly 

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The way you feel right now is part of the abuse, and very common for people after abusive relationships.

I don't know how that changes, it can be like your brain has been rewired, but you're not alone. If you just need the reassurance you get from writing down those of your memories that you can of things that took place in the relationship so that people can reassure you you weren't the one in the wrong then you could start a journal on this site.

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Be patient with yourself, OP. 

Based on your other threads, this break-up is quite fresh and you have not had enough time to unlearn the bad habits yet (related to blaming yourself, I mean)

What you're experiencing is normal after a break-up we didn't want, especially when the partner was abusive. It's all part of processing what has happened and shifting our thinking. 

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8 hours ago, Carnatic said:

The way you feel right now is part of the abuse, and very common for people after abusive relationships.

I don't know how that changes, it can be like your brain has been rewired, but you're not alone. If you just need the reassurance you get from writing down those of your memories that you can of things that took place in the relationship so that people can reassure you you weren't the one in the wrong then you could start a journal on this site.

Thank you❤️

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6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Be patient with yourself, OP. 

Based on your other threads, this break-up is quite fresh and you have not had enough time to unlearn the bad habits yet (related to blaming yourself, I mean)

What you're experiencing is normal after a break-up we didn't want, especially when the partner was abusive. It's all part of processing what has happened and shifting our thinking. 

Thank you 

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