Feeling like I have to always "chase" friends

[katmisj]

Ever since I was a teen, I've always had this feeling of being lonely or left out. I wasn't one of the "popular" kids and I felt like I was always trying to fit in. As I grew older, I got into partying and music and from the age of 20 to 25, my life was really intense. Lots of partying, met tons of people, was always busy, going out, having fun, meeting guys and it wasn't until I moved from my country to Australia, that I realised how lonely and "friendless" I am. Yes I met tons of people and yes I had lots of fun, but now that I look back, there's barely anyone I can actually say is my friend or even acknowledges I exist. 

Two weeks ago was my birthday. I turned 28. All of my birthdays I've always felt frustrated. I'd invite 30+ ppl, only 4 or 5 would show up or show interest, let alone the ones who would say they'd come and cancel last minute. I'd see my friends' stories full of birthday declarations whereas I'd get close to none. Even from friends that said they were close and cared about me. All of my birthdays were very frustrating and disappointing and this year I decided to not even celebrate it. I spent the day with my boyfriend and that was it. A few people asked if I was going to do something but I just said "I'd see". In my head, I wanted to invite all my "friends" to my house, have a nice party but I know I'd be upset seeing barely anyone would show up because they're busy with their own plans. So I just decided to pretend that it kind of didn't exist and to be honest I felt "better" because I didn't create any expectation except for the fact that I knew barely anyone would really care.

I also DJ and I've trying hard to get gigs and here where I live there's already a "bubble" of DJs that are already in the scence and I feel like it's almost impossible to get in even though I feel like I have some pretty good music background, so that kind of messes with my self esteem as well.  

I'm not trying to victimise myself here, it's more of a rant of how I've been feeling lately. I'm a very social person but I feel like if I don't "chase" friends they never come to me (or almost never), so I just spend most of my time hanging out with my boyfriend because I know that he cares but the thought of us not being together causes me panic sometimes not because I feel like I need him, because then I'll be like, who truly cares about me except for my parents? 

It's a weird feeling and usually creeps at night when I'm home alone and I see people with their friends and no one even invites me to do anything if I don't reach out.  

I'm trying to understand what exactly I'm doing wrong here? People always say I'm a nice person and I'm fun but most of the time I feel invisible and sometimes it gets exhausting trying to be seen. I realize this makes me feel a bit depressed in general. 

[Kwothe28]

59 minutes ago, katmisj said:

I'm not trying to victimise myself here, it's more of a rant of how I've been feeling lately. I'm a very social person but I feel like if I don't "chase" friends they never come to me (or almost never), so I just spend most of my time hanging out with my boyfriend because I know that he cares but the thought of us not being together causes me panic sometimes not because I feel like I need him, because then I'll be like, who truly cares about me except for my parents? 

 

Cold heart fact of life is that you wont get much care from other people. Other people are busy with their own lives, or just selfish in general. Meaning that you would get care from them only if you provide something. Only your family, parents, boyfriend, husband, future kids will love you and care unconditionally. Because they are kinda required.  Sometimes even them wont care.

Human in average has 2, maybe 3, close friends. Meaning people who would care, ask about you, keep contact. Rest is mostly transitional friends. People who are there and you hang out but tomorrow who knows if they would be. So stop "chasing" those people. Extend yourself only how much they extend themselves. Dont look at them as somebody that important because they arent. Because again, most of them are transitional kind.

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.  What do you do to make friends? What do you do to give to others - including friends? Are you friendly with your boyfriend's friends? What about you in particular is "nice" - I mean that in a good way -what in particular of your actions are "nice" - because nice can also mean passive or a throwaway comment for someone who is pleasant to be around but more like a soft blanket as opposed to someone you want to engage with or share with or know more about.

Here are things I've done to make and develop friendships since I was your age (I am now 55): attended events at my place of worship, did various forms of volunteer work including 7 years straight starting in my mid-30s (prior to that I'd done various forms of volunteer work where I interacted with people since I was 14).  I went to parties, took some fitness classes, went to a few dance classes. I know people who made friends through tennis, hiking groups, swing dance/salsa dancing, swimming.

Many of my friends met lifelong friends volunteering backstage at community theater either through a church or a nonprofit organization.  Some were front stage.  I made friends at work and through work and kept in touch with my former classmates.  All before facebook and for many years before the internet.  I showed up for my friends in good times and bad.  Funerals, illnesses, hard times and celebrations too.  

I went to singles resorts by myself -club med back then - starting when I was in my early 20s until -the last time was I think 2001 and that time I went with one friend - and I met people that way too.

Do you just like having a big group of people to celebrate your bday or do you feel you should want that -just checking -totally cool if that's your favorite thing to do.

I hope you feel much better soon.

[Lambert]

In someway you're focused on the wrong thing. 

Looking at who isn't there for you and attaching more value to them.  Then looking at who is there and valuing them.

I agree with @Kwothe28 true life long friends are rare. People come along at times when you share commonalities and then most likely move on.

Why not have a small dinner party or whatever with 4 people? Appreciate them more and stop focusing on 'the numbers'

The way you wrote about needing people and being so social... maybe you're too superficial and people pick up on that.  

Do you try to establish connections with people that are equally focused on them and how you relate to each other? 

As for the DJing, well that's like any other business.  If you're trying to build a business where the demand is already being met, well of course it is going to be more challenging. 

Do you think you could be delusional about life and therefore have unattainable expectations? 

Relationship (friendships) and careers take work.  Not chasing.  But most times, you do get out, what you put in. If you are putting in more and not getting back, you change tactics. 

Maybe put DJing on the back burner or find a niche no one else offers.

Learn to pull back from people that don't give back.  Focus on those that do.

[Wiseman2]

It seems like you want popularity, not real friends. There's a difference.

Choose a different type of job. Get a side hustle. Volunteer. Takes classes and courses. Join some clubs and groups. Get involved in sports and fitness.

Get off social media and believing everyone has these great exciting lives except you. Stop the pity party. That's a huge turn off.

[Rose Mosse]

Do you enjoy anything else besides DJing? It's great that you have a passion for that. Try new hobbies and interests too.

Regarding DJing itself is there anyone whose work you admire or want to learn from? Are you open to working with others or collaborating? 

Think about whether the people you're inviting over are friends at all or whether they're only acquaintances. The few that have showed up? Value them and have them over for more parties and dinners. They're your real friends who show up when it matters most. 

Don't worry about chasing anyone. Only be around people you admire and like because they've shown you their own interest in being part of your life and their integrity as friends or professionally as a DJ.

 

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, Lambert said:

Why not have a small dinner party or whatever with 4 people? Appreciate them more and stop focusing on 'the numbers'

I agree. 

What you are going through is very common when you start to approach 30. That safety net of friends that you need when you're a kid starts to become cumbersome as you begin to embrace more adult responsibilities. Most people don't want to manage 30 different acquaintanceships and start dropping off the radar. 

Start focusing more on the friends who do show up for you. Tend to those friendships. Let others come and go.

[Capricorn3]

When reading your post I come away with an overall impression of you being really needy and it could feel suffocating to some people.  Too needy can come across as too demanding and pushy. Not saying this is what is happening, but just the vibe I got.

I had a little giggle when you say you would invite 30+ people to your birthday party - I was thinking I don't even know 30+ people, lmao.  I wouldn't even want that many people around in the first place.  But I guess that's the difference between people who feel they "need" to have company, and those who don't.

I would say, focus on 3 or 4 closer friends and have smaller dinner parties, instead of an all out big birthday bash.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with Kwothe28 regarding transitional friends such as the type of friends in your life dependent upon which stage you're at.  Many people have a lot of friends during their early youth years and then life happens.  They graduate, move away often times faraway, establish new careers, meet new friends, in a relationship or get married, start raising families and everyone is not the same person or friend they were years ago.  People change according to their new set of responsibilities, whom they meet and they become frenetically busier.  Unfortunately, their previous life and former friends become less relatable, less interesting and a distant blur.  It's nothing personal as I'm the same way as is my husband and many people whom we know.  Everyone or most people evolve over time.

I agree, it does feel lonely.   Fortunately, I have several childhood friends and since we didn't move faraway, we continued contact and get together at least once a month throughout the year and sometimes more often than that. 

I've met great friends at church and we're in group settings.  Sometimes there are 1:1 friends. 

I was close to my cousin.  Unfortunately, due to her poor choice in a mentally ill husband, she changed so our dynamic isn't innocent as it once was.  We parted ways peacefully and I've grown to maturely accept that not every friendship was meant to be.  Same with some extended family members such as relatives and in-laws.  We're all peaceful types, enforce boundaries with shady characters and that's as good as it gets.   We get together during the holidays and sometimes during other special occasions.  Most of my relatives and in-laws reside locally.   However, we're not chummy.

I have several schools of thought regarding friends.  Friends are nice to have and they're wonderful support when you need them for various reasons.  I've been on both sides of the fence and went from having numerous friends to deliberately whittling down my number of friends to a select few.  Being in social butterfly mode is way overrated because there are obligations with too many associations.  My social calendar was at capacity with invitations to sales parties, bridal and baby showers, weddings, funerals and requests for many favors.  I even cooked for post-funeral food gatherings and I didn't even know the deceased!  The favors were countless.   I cooked a lot for large gatherings, always brought plenty of homemade dishes to potlucks, backyard barbecues, invited to birthday parties and  social commitments became endless.  My house became neglected, I didn't have time nor energy to cook and take care of my immediate family (husband and sons), my late dog didn't receive enough attention and this type of stress took a toll on my health.  I didn't have time to take care of myself and if I did I had to squeeze in time for myself at the crack of dawn every morning.  I felt exhausted all the time. 

Even though I don't have the same number of previous friends, what I have now is TIME.  Aside from a full time job, I have time to take better care of my health and household.  I'm no longer haggard.  I don't try to please so many people anymore because those people were eliminated. 

I agree with Capricorn3.  Instead of inviting a lot of people for a birthday party, focus on a select few and keep it less stressful.  4 or  friends are plenty.  Quality over quantity. 

Don't take it personally and lower your expectations of others.  In society, people are very busy trying to survive, taking care of their households and after that, they're exhausted.  Many of them prefer to chill. 

Focus on being with your boyfriend.  Does your boyfriend have friends?  How about hosting a potluck with your boyfriend's friends and their friends (post-pandemic)?  They can become your friends, too.  My husband and I often times hosted potlucks with other couples and families (pre-pandemic).  Or, meet at outdoor cafes or restaurants or have a potluck at a park.  If you're compatible and close to your family, some family members or extended relatives can be in friend mode for you. 

Try MeetUps in your community.  Volunteer for charity as others had suggested.  Are you into sports?  How about sports groups in your area?  Hobbies?  Your options are limitless.  Are you faith based?  How about church?  Enroll in a class?

Don't feel like chasing friends.  I once chased friends, too.  I gave up.  I concentrated on myself and my well being.  I focused on my health, career, success and prosperity.   Then something happened.  Suddenly, I became very interesting.  People are attracted to success.  It's not always about personality and character although, of course, those traits are very important.  People are attracted to what you're doing in your life and if you're doing quite well, suddenly they want to become your friend.  Before I knew it, I had more friends than I knew what to do with.  Those friends attached to me automatically without any effort on my part whatsoever.  It was they who initiated the grandest times together.  When I succeeded and prospered, I had celebrity status.  I became upwardly mobile and my social life improved with classier people as well.  I never had to chase anyone nor try so hard to be well liked.  They came to me.  I did not need to seek them.  

Change your trajectory.  Become your own person and everything and everyone will fall into place in due time. 

 

 

. 

[Rose Mosse]

17 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Even though I don't have the same number of previous friends, what I have now is TIME.  Aside from a full time job, I have time to take better care of my health and household.  I'm no longer haggard.  I don't try to please so many people anymore because those people were eliminated. 

So true!