Cheating??

[Jen_1016]

I found a text on my boyfriends phone from another man about hooking up.  I then snooped on his phone and found a website where he placed an ad seeking men for discreet encounters.  I confronted him and he became very enraged.  Called me some names then went silent and left.  I gave it a few days then sent him a message saying if this is how he feels we should expect had a conversation about it that I'm here for friendship and if he needed to talk.  He quickly accused me of trying to make myself feel better, that he did those things but didnt act on them so he's not wrong.  Conversation got ugly and now I'm blocked from social media and his phone.  I know going through his phone was wrong but Im not sure Im the one to blame for the breakup.

[Batya33]

I don't think it matters if it's cheating or not.  You are uncomfortable with him advertising himself as single and seeking out men for sexual encounters.  Whether he actually met anyone advertising oneself as single on a hookup site is inconsistent with being in a committed relationship.  And you might not want to date someone who is bisexual or exploring bisexuality.  There's no right or wrong.  You were wrong to violate his privacy by going through his phone.  It really doesn't matter whose "'fault" it was for the breakup because what you found showed you that you two are not a good match.  I'm sorry you're upset!

[boltnrun]

He was cheating on you. Yes, that is grounds for a breakup. The gender and/or method is irrelevant.

Do not offer to be "friends". Why would you want to be friends with someone who speaks to you this way? Do your other friends speak to you the way he did? Do they rage at you and call you names? If not, why would you want him as a friend?

Please do not attempt to contact him any further. Please also get a full STD workup including blood tests. Who knows what you may have been exposed to. (And yes, he did too follow through. Do not believe what a liar says.)

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Jen_1016 said:

I found a text on my boyfriends phone from another man about hooking up.  I then snooped on his phone and found a website where he placed an ad seeking men for discreet encounters.  

 How long have you been dating? Don't coddle him or act like his therapist.

End it immediately. What you came across is the tip of the iceberg.

Get to a physician ASAP for STD testing:

https://www.cdc.gov/std/treatment-guidelines/msm.htm

Is this the same man?:

 

[Jen_1016]

I went an immediately got tested and everything is negative.  

[Jen_1016]

Yes same man 

[DancingFool]

Hell hath no fury like a cheater caught cheating.... Yes, of course he raged. Why did you bother to listen?

The real question, OP, is why are you trying to cling to him and offer friendship when he exposed you to possible STD's and put your life and health at risk? 

Also, you weren't wrong to look. The "how dare you snoop" is a convenient way to deflect from the real issue that he was cheating. Don't fall for that. You broke up because he was looking and probably did step outside of the relationship. Even the argument of whether he actually found anyone or not is irrelevant. The very fact that he was looking behind your back is enough to dump him and remove him from your life with extreme prejudice.

[Batya33]

If get retested in a few months. Sorry you’ve gone through this. 

[Seraphim]

Don’t offer to be friends with a cheater. Just be done. No need to talk further . 

[Rose Mosse]

47 minutes ago, Jen_1016 said:

I found a text on my boyfriends phone from another man about hooking up.  I then snooped on his phone and found a website where he placed an ad seeking men for discreet encounters.  I confronted him and he became very enraged.  Called me some names then went silent and left.  I gave it a few days then sent him a message saying if this is how he feels we should expect had a conversation about it that I'm here for friendship and if he needed to talk.  He quickly accused me of trying to make myself feel better, that he did those things but didnt act on them so he's not wrong.  Conversation got ugly and now I'm blocked from social media and his phone.  I know going through his phone was wrong but Im not sure Im the one to blame for the breakup.

Does it matter who is to blame? Don't let your ego get in the way. You just rid yourself of a cheating, verbally abusive person who doesn't deserve a place in your life. The "enraged" and "called me some names" would be enough to slam the door shut on this without caring a lick about his cheating. Walk away.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Jen_1016 said:

I'm here for friendship and if he needed to talk.

Why are you doing this? 

He deosn't respect you enough to stay faithful to you, so it doesn't make much sense that you are offering him friendship. 

3 hours ago, Jen_1016 said:

Im not sure Im the one to blame for the breakup.

You aren't. But does it really matter what he thinks? He's a lying cheater. His opinion isn't worth the dirt on the bottom of your shoe. You know now that he is not a good person so who he blames is irrelevant. 

You need to wash your hands of this guy, Jen. Forever. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Jen_1016 said:

Yes same man 

Ok, you're over your divorce, have a good co-parenting relationship with their father.

Don't jeopardize that by having someone who has untreated bipolar disorder, admits to being a male prostitute and now is still cruising for male-to-male sex into your children's lives. 

Dating is not social work or an exercise in political correctness. Dating as a single parent is about protecting yourself and your children. Delete and block him asap.

[gamon]

I recently placed an ad for bedroom furniture on Craigslist.com

I haven't sold it yet but that doesn't mean I don't plan to sell it.

Why would a person place an ad if they weren't interested in selling something in the first place?

[moodindigo91]

I echo what basically everyone else has said. I had an ex who did the same thing, he responded to ads on Craigslist and had a dating profile on a dating website (this was before tinder) and he literally still lied to my face about it when I confronted him 😂 I stayed with that man for several more years and it was horrible! 

Block him on all social media, block his number, run away. Nothing good can come of this I promise. Count yourself lucky you found out he's a lying cheater now before it got any further! 

[Jibralta]

6 hours ago, Jen_1016 said:

He quickly accused me of trying to make myself feel better, that he did those things but didnt act on them so he's not wrong.

Terrible. I'm sorry that you seem to believe that he's right.

6 hours ago, Jen_1016 said:

Conversation got ugly and now I'm blocked from social media and his phone.

Blessing in disguise. 

6 hours ago, Jen_1016 said:

Im not sure Im the one to blame for the breakup.

Again, I'm sorry that you seem to believe that he's right. I hope that one day you're able to see more clearly.

[lostandhurt]

Cheaters when caught always deflect and turn it back on you.

You had a bad feeling so you trusted your gut and snooped. 

Now you know so there is no reason to do anything else except remove this guy from your life completely.  Really what else is there to do?  Do you really want to be friends with a cheater and a liar?  I doubt it.  This guy is not worth the time you already wasted on him.

NEXT!!!

Lost

[Leila22]

18 hours ago, Jen_1016 said:

I found a text on my boyfriends phone from another man about hooking up.  I then snooped on his phone and found a website where he placed an ad seeking men for discreet encounters.  I confronted him and he became very enraged.  Called me some names then went silent and left.  I gave it a few days then sent him a message saying if this is how he feels we should expect had a conversation about it that I'm here for friendship and if he needed to talk.  He quickly accused me of trying to make myself feel better, that he did those things but didnt act on them so he's not wrong.  Conversation got ugly and now I'm blocked from social media and his phone.  I know going through his phone was wrong but Im not sure Im the one to blame for the breakup.

sounds really horrible I am so sorry. it is classed as cheating and I am sorry you went through that hard time. when we confront someone for doing things wrong they often get pressed about it and take it out on the person nearest to them, and he took it out on you because he knew he messed up. him accusing you on trying to make yourself better is such a idiot move, because we all know, he knows what he's done and the only way he thinks he knows he is getting away with it is by accusing you off things to try and change the subject.

Jess

[SooSad33]

I'm sure with the above responses, you realize your assumptions & his reactions say enough.

You have not been in a healthy relationship.  Learn from this, when there are such red flags, pay attention.

No explanations needed, no need to 'be there as his friend'.

Be done with it all.

[smackie9]

This breakup, no matter who did what, is a good thing.

[Lambert]

I say good ridden to garbage. 

This guy is gay and hates himself for it.... he was using you as his beard. (sorry)

He has a lot of baggage and feelings to work thru as well as, anger issues. 

Never talk to this guy again.  Search yourself for your self respect.  This guy is not worthy of friendship or anything with you.  He not only lied, cheated, pretended to be something he is not, he was also abusive and risked your physical health! 

This situation is definitely highlighting the work you need to do on yourself.  

Having bad relationships is not because of you or because you deserve it or because you "make" a person act or treat you a certain way. For example, if you think, if you were better they would treat you better. No. None of that is true. 

As a woman, I definitely was taught, you gotta get the guy to act right or treat me right.  If I would just be whatever, he'd be better.  (no. this is wrong and messed me a lot because I thought I was responsible for the guys actions! )

If that sounds like you, too, girlfriend you need to take better care of yourself and start leaving guys that don't naturally meet your needs. 

Bad relationships are the result of us not seeing a situation for what it is, accepting poor behavior, not setting boundaries & walking away when crossed

The first time someone lies to you, demonstrates unreasonable anger, emotions, or other poor behaviors, you walk away. 

That shows the person that you are not allowing yourself to be treated a certain way.  They may learn and change. I can see why in some cases you want to give a 2nd chance. But that's it. They burn you? You leave for good.

This weeds out the bad seeds.... This guy was a bad seed but you refused to see it. The good news is, you can fix this and heal yourself to do better next time.

Forget this guy.... focus on you and get ready for next time you meet a guy you like. 

PS... strive to be with a guy you don't have to check his phone.  As soon as you think you might need to do that, the relationship is already in trouble. 

[Spawn]

I believe you were lucky to find out that secret of his, so don't worry about him blocking you. Its what normally such liars do, they blame you for everything and then try to be sorry about it later.

Time to disappear from his life and focus on yours. Good luck!