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For what reasons would women reject a guy after the second date?


SilverFactory
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I have read that women have very good gut instincts/feelings and would quickly know if they like a guy or not

So I thought by the end of the first date (or first meet since the guy is a stranger she met through dating app) she will have a very good idea. If she agrees to a second date (dinner) isn't that a good sign? Why would she choose to reject a guy after the second date if the date went well?

Edited by SilverFactory
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One date is not necessarily enough to formulate  a vey good idea of whether we like a guy or not. I 'm not sure where you're getting that from. 

After a couple dates, it could be that we don't feel the spark. Or an ex came back. Or we met someone we like better. Or we saw something on the the second date that changed our minds. Just like men who don't ask for a third date, there are any number of reasons why we would turn down a third date. 

It's disappointing, but important to remember that a good first date doesn't guarantee anything. It just means you enjoyed yourselves at the first meeting. 

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9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

One date is not necessarily enough to formulate  a vey good idea of whether we like a guy or not. I 'm not sure where you're getting that from. 

After a couple dates, it could be that we don't feel the spark. Or an ex came back. Or we met someone we like better. Or we saw something on the the second date that changed our minds. Just like men who don't ask for a third date, there are any number of reasons why we would turn down a third date. 

It's disappointing, but important to remember that a good first date doesn't guarantee anything. It just means you enjoyed yourselves at the first meeting. 

Thanks

So when is the guy supposed to know she likes him? what if he takes her out on 10 dates and then she does not feel the spark in the 11th date? 

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3 hours ago, SilverFactory said:

I have read that women have very good gut instincts/feelings and would quickly know if they like a guy or not

So I thought by the end of the first date (or first meet since the guy is a stranger she met through dating app) she will have a very good idea. If she agrees to a second date (dinner) isn't that a good sign? Why would she choose to reject a guy after the second date if the date went well?

You have to realize that not everyone is as single-minded as you are about this. You are obviously focused on dating and marriage. But the women you meet may be focused on other things, like career, friends, hobbies, etc. Sure, they're still interested in men, but dating, marriage, and family may not factor into their equation.

The point of dating is to get to know someone, and understand what they're all about. Nobody can properly do that after two dates. In fact, many many relationships end at the two-month mark. At that point, hormones tend to subside and people start to think more clearly and get a good look at each other.

Relationships end at all different time, for all different reasons. People change and grow. You have to allow for variety and complexity or you will never stop being confused and frustrated about this.

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6 hours ago, SilverFactory said:

I have read that women have very good gut instincts/feelings and would quickly know if they like a guy or not

So I thought by the end of the first date (or first meet since the guy is a stranger she met through dating app) she will have a very good idea. If she agrees to a second date (dinner) isn't that a good sign? Why would she choose to reject a guy after the second date if the date went well?

For me the first date was after the first meet if we met as strangers through a dating site.  I rarely rejected men after the second date.  I often declined a second date (meaning after the first official date) but was not rejecting the person at all. It sometimes was a gut feeling, sometimes his vibe/energy or a part of his personality that revealed itself after meeting him twice.  Here are some examples of when I realized I wouldn't want to see this person again:

He told me about an altercation he had on a public bus he was proud of.  I found it way too aggressive.

He talked about sex a lot.

Was stingy/cheap.

I realized I wasn't physically attracted to him after all.

I'd been on the fence and given it another chance and the other chance showed me it was a no go.  No click, etc.

I never ever looked at any sign in early dating except one.  If we had another date planned, time and place, I assumed this was a sign he wanted to see me again for one more date.  That's all I assumed.  If we didn't have another date planned no matter how well the date went I assumed it was the last date unless and until he called me to ask me out again.

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6 hours ago, SilverFactory said:

So when is the guy supposed to know she likes him? what if he takes her out on 10 dates and then she does not feel the spark in the 11th date? 

"Spark" can be created, kinda. There needs to be at least some attraction. But the rest is up to you. Maybe you do something that interest the other side, or even just say something. Its kinda like "selling" yourself but simultaniously seeing if you want to be "sold". Sometimes what we are "selling" doesnt interest other side. And thats OK. But essentially, we can create at least something positive that would keep us there if we are interested to stay. 

Also, after few dates you should at least know if the other side likes you or not, its not a rocket science. How does she reacts to compliments? Does she compliments back? Maybe you initiated physical touch? Its not really that hard to see if the interest is there or not.

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Us women think with our emotions. Things like, body language/mannerisms, sound of your voice, sense of humor, confidence, is all analyzed emotionally. 

So after many first dates...I can't narrow it down to just one thing, but I can eliminate your looks. You are attractive enough to get dates. So it's something that's there or not there that's not keeping them interested emotionally or touching on their emotions.

Edited by smackie9
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Lots of people get "rejected" far beyond the second date. That's why breakups happen.

It's not a slam against you. Just rephrase it in your mind; SHE was not the right one for YOU. And you're free to pursue a woman who will end up being the right one.

Yes, it takes time. But doesn't anything that's worthwhile?

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9 hours ago, SilverFactory said:

Thanks wiseman

I am just struggling to cope with the endless rejections at age 46 😢

My personal litmus test was by date 4 I had to enjoy kissing him or have the desire to kiss him.  I got "rejected" a fair amount -even "a lot" - and I stopped dating at age 39.  Dating is tough.  Was worth it for me because my goals were marriage and family.  Otherwise my search for years would not have been worth the time/stress/aggravation.  I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

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Rejection after a 2nd date? Probably just doesn't feel it.  You should not feel bad about it though. So many will not be 'a match'.

As for the mention of about 10 interactions, they probably realize the same thing, not feeling right. So, is best to be honest.

Yes, it can become a little more challenging as we get older, as many by this age have been through a few experiences and have some baggage.

They could be affected by a long term involvement which fell apart for reasons. Someone could have been cheated on or abused in the past, etc. ( therefore, they will be vulnerable or extra cautious.).  So, yeah expect more of a challenge.

They are not fresh off the press and 20 yrs old. 😉 

So, maybe just sit back & take your time.  And when you do meet someone take it easy on them, get to know them & them, you.  Don't jump in with both feet ( high expectations).  IF  you get well into at least 2 yrs, it may be something of a success for you.  We never know.

 

 

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I've been on a few dates and rejected them after the first date.  I knew they were duds after the first date.  I didn't need to get to know them better.  They've already showed me more than enough.  I'm very picky and choosy so any red flags are instant rejects.

First date was a shallow guy who was just a guy without any serious future.  He was nice as a casual acquaintance but I didn't see a second date with him.  He seemed too ordinary, very typical and nothing special.

The second date doused himself with aftershave cologne to the point of suffocating.  Upon picking me up for the date, he handed my mother a bag of fast food garbage and asked her to discard it for him!  She was disgusted!  Who does that?  How gauche!  I was stuck in his small sports car as he drove like a maniac. 😡 During dinner, all he did was talk about himself ad nauseum.  He never asked about me or my occupation.  I couldn't get a word in edgewise.  After he dropped me off, I said, "Good riddance!"  That was the end of that.

The third date was a nice guy who took me out to dinner.  He was nice yet there something missing about him.  He was typical and didn't stand out from the crowd.

The fourth date was again, a nice guy but my intuition told me he wasn't for me either.  He took me out to the movie theater and the movie was better than he was.  Before and after the movie,  he was silent and I don't want to carry a conversation for the two of us. 

The fifth date was the winner.  He's my husband.  He's modest, humble, kind, selfless, empathetic, generous, a classy gentleman, on the fast track with his career, hails from a normal, loving, nurturing, respectful family and it didn't hurt that he has big blue eyes, tall and handsome.  He checked all the boxes.  I asked myself, "What type of father will he be for my child?"  "What type of husband will he be for me?"  "Where does he see himself in 10 years?"  I needed to cover all that and I most certainly did!  Fast forward to today.  We're the parents of two great sons and live a comfortable, settled and established life in the suburbs.  

I can't speak for all women.  However, my friends and I snatched up great husbands.  None of us wasted any time. 

I noticed that my husband had always been a generous tipper to waiters and waitresses.  I don't like cheap men.  I've known men from various occupations and most of them were cheap tippers which was disdainful.

I can't speak for all women.  I wanted stability and security.  I wanted an uncomplicated man who was compatible and easy to get along with.  I wanted a man who is a peaceful person.  I wanted an emotionally intelligent man.  Google "emotional intelligence" because most women value emotionally intelligent men.  I wanted a man who knows  how to treat women with love and respect.  I wanted a man who treats everyone with common courtesy, common decency and respect and my husband does.  He was raised by a great family.  His father in particular taught my husband how to respect women. 

I've already lived and breathed economic struggle and hardship during my upbringing.  My parents carried a lot of very painful baggage from their youth which was a recipe for disaster for their marriage.  My siblings and I witnessed endless strife, endless discord, endless turmoil, alcoholism (father), unstable employment, unemployment, heavy debt, domestic violence and turbulence for decades.  My late father mercifully died leaving a young widow and three young children.  I worked full time at a young age, helped financially support my single mother and siblings while enrolled in college full time.  Life was very, very, very hard and miserable.  Society is so rough.  I've worked with a lot of bad people.  I toiled, eventually succeeded and prospered and that's when there was finally some relief.   Then I met my husband, the love of my life.  I feel very fortunate, blessed and lucky. 

I wasn't about to repeat my parents' horrible mistakes and I made sure to live a happily ever after for my life. 

I never wasted my time with a man whom I didn't see a long term future with. 

 

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On 10/28/2021 at 10:40 AM, Cherylyn said:

I wanted an emotionally intelligent man.  Google "emotional intelligence" because most women value emotionally intelligent men.

Funny you use that term Cherylyn. I have had a woman say the exact same thing to me. She said "I find you to be very emotionally intelligent" and she ghosted me starting from the next day

I liked all of the responses here. The situation that I am dealing is mainly through Online Dating. In this specific case it was an Indian Matrimonial app and not a Dating app. A matrimonial app is similar to a dating app but it is lot more serious and mainly geared towards marriage. Once people connect and if things go well they meet a few times in person and then it is marriage.. unlike months and months of dating, getting engaged, staying engaged, and then finally getting married

This is one of the reasons why this incident hurts me a lot. I don't understand why she met me 2 times and then decided to reject. In a typical dating scenario this would be like rejecting after 8th or 9th date

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On 10/28/2021 at 2:26 AM, SilverFactory said:

If she agrees to a second date (dinner) isn't that a good sign? Why would she choose to reject a guy after the second date if the date went well?

Your first question

Yes. Agreeing to a 2nd date is a good sign... but it's nothing more than words until the 2nd date happens and no guarantee of a third date or actual interest. 

Your 2nd question

There are infinite number of causes from either side or things you have no clue about in her life.  But the prevailing reason is no interest in pursuing anything further.  And that's ok.  It's better to know sooner rather than later, so you don't wait your time. 

It might sting a bit at first but don't dwell on it.  move on to other women. 

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Sometimes they are leaning towards "no" after the first date but will give you a chance in case they are thinking they missed something, or are committed to keeping an open mind.  Then the second date happens and they realize "no, I was right the first time."  

It doesn't even matter why.  The answer is still No regardless of the reason and the only thing you can do is move along.

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21 hours ago, SilverFactory said:

The situation that I am dealing is mainly through Online Dating. In this specific case it was an Indian Matrimonial app and not a Dating app. A matrimonial app is similar to a dating app but it is lot more serious and mainly geared towards marriage. Once people connect and if things go well they meet a few times in person and then it is marriage.. unlike months and months of dating, getting engaged, staying engaged, and then finally getting married

Maybe that's how you want to use this app. For you, the connection happens through computer or phone. For others, probably most people these days, it happens in person. Just look at the people you've been meeting: They definitely place more importance than you do on the 'in-person' connection. They probably look forward to--enjoy--the months and months of dating. They don't want to 'get it over with' quick; they want to make a measured, thoughtful decision based on actual personal interaction. And very likely, the marriages they make will have a lot of personal interaction. That means a lot of different ideas being exchanged. If you don't like that, then these people weren't for you anyway. But you do have to allow for others in some way in order to not be alone.

Edited by Jibralta
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On 10/30/2021 at 6:03 PM, SilverFactory said:

Funny you use that term Cherylyn. I have had a woman say the exact same thing to me. She said "I find you to be very emotionally intelligent" and she ghosted me starting from the next day

I liked all of the responses here. The situation that I am dealing is mainly through Online Dating. In this specific case it was an Indian Matrimonial app and not a Dating app. A matrimonial app is similar to a dating app but it is lot more serious and mainly geared towards marriage. Once people connect and if things go well they meet a few times in person and then it is marriage.. unlike months and months of dating, getting engaged, staying engaged, and then finally getting married

This is one of the reasons why this incident hurts me a lot. I don't understand why she met me 2 times and then decided to reject. In a typical dating scenario this would be like rejecting after 8th or 9th date

Most likely, she told you what you wanted to hear regarding "emotional intelligence" yet realistically didn't have any intentions to continue interacting with you.  Hence, ghosting you the following day. 

Beware with your matrimonial app.  Not everyone is willing to rush into marriage without getting to know you more thoroughly especially your personality and character.  Meeting a few times and immediately plunging into marriage could result in disaster! 

Actually months of dating, engaged, staying engaged and finally getting married is better otherwise both of you will regret getting married without seriously thinking long and hard about a legal commitment.  Haste makes waste!

Stop ruminating about why she met you twice and then decided to reject you.  People do what they do without rhyme nor reason.  Why?  Because that's life!  Not everyone is reasonable nor makes sense to you nor anyone.  Not everyone explains their reasons.  Actions speak louder than words. 

The first time she dated you, she had her doubts.  The second time she dated you, she was convinced that you were not for her.  I'm sorry.  Not every date takes 8 or 9 times to make a final decision.  Look at me.  I knew after the FIRST date that certain men were NOT for me.  I certainly did not have to wait for wasted repeats to convince me to move on quickly. 

 

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It's like taking a bite of something and not being quite sure if you like it, or not...so you take a second bite (just to be sure).

Then you know if you like it, or not.

Try not to take it personally about being rejected. It doesn't mean it's you. It could mean that the chemistry is off (this can happen to anyone, regardless of looks, success, etc).

It could be that maybe she connected with someone else better.

Maybe she realized that your personalities don't match as she thought they might.

There's lots of reasons.

Edited by SherrySher
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On 10/28/2021 at 7:26 AM, SilverFactory said:

I have read that women have very good gut instincts/feelings and would quickly know if they like a guy or not

So I thought by the end of the first date (or first meet since the guy is a stranger she met through dating app) she will have a very good idea. If she agrees to a second date (dinner) isn't that a good sign? Why would she choose to reject a guy after the second date if the date went well?

I think you've heard wrong about women. It's a bit of a stereotype that women have some kind of sixth sense about people, and some women may themselves encourage it but I think it's a bit of a myth and see no reason why it shouldn't take a woman a couple of dates to decide if they like someone or not.

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6 hours ago, Carnatic said:

I think you've heard wrong about women. It's a bit of a stereotype that women have some kind of sixth sense about people, and some women may themselves encourage it but I think it's a bit of a myth and see no reason why it shouldn't take a woman a couple of dates to decide if they like someone or not.

I can't speak for all women.  However, my intuition and gut instincts are always right on the mark and correct for a reason.  It never took me a couple of dates to reject a man.  If something didn't ring true about him,  if something was off or not quite right and if he didn't check all my boxes, why would I waste my time on a man who didn't meet my high standards?  

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Here's the "women are fickle" response. (Okay everyone is, but red meat)

Seriously, dating can be a landfill. A few dates are awesome, then someone can change their mind. Sometimes it's nothing but a whim few dates to test the waters, sometimes life changes, and sometimes who they are dating brings up memories of someone else. The point being you can't and shouldn't worry about someone else's rejection of you. Clearly they weren't worth your time, no matter how promising  they seemed at first.

If you have a pattern of rejections, then maybe re-evaluate your dating pool.

For some comic relief, I got rejected 3 date over wearing a hat in a book store. Didn't wear it for dinner, wore it for the movies, but what killed things I wore a hat in a book shop. She was a librarian. So there you go OP, rejection can be for very obscure reasons.

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11 minutes ago, Coily said:

Here's the "women are fickle" response. (Okay everyone is, but red meat)

Seriously, dating can be a landfill. A few dates are awesome, then someone can change their mind. Sometimes it's nothing but a whim few dates to test the waters, sometimes life changes, and sometimes who they are dating brings up memories of someone else. The point being you can't and shouldn't worry about someone else's rejection of you. Clearly they weren't worth your time, no matter how promising  they seemed at first.

If you have a pattern of rejections, then maybe re-evaluate your dating pool.

For some comic relief, I got rejected 3 date over wearing a hat in a book store. Didn't wear it for dinner, wore it for the movies, but what killed things I wore a hat in a book shop. She was a librarian. So there you go OP, rejection can be for very obscure reasons.

I wish all I had to worry about was a man wearing a hat.  My top priority was scrutinizing personality and character first and foremost because that's what's most enduring.  My perceptive radar picks up red flags immediately.  I'm the way I am because I never wished to repeat my poor mother's serious mistake.  She chose the wrong man and her marriage was a recipe for disaster.  I vowed to get it right and I'm glad I did.  It paid off, too.  (Happily married, two sons, stable, economically secure, established and settled life in the suburbs.)  The secret?  Choose the right one in the first place.

I agree with Coily though.  Don't take rejection personally although it's easy to do.  Different people have different checklists.  Many times, many dates with different people are required in order to find "thee one" as a real, true keeper.  That special someone is out there for you, SilverFactory.  You just hadn't found her yet.  Keep trying and one of these days, you'll find her!  Don't give up.  Don't allow rejects to depress you.  Hope for the best and eventually, you'll find a good match.  Hang in there. 

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45 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I can't speak for all women.  However, my intuition and gut instincts are always right on the mark and correct for a reason.  It never took me a couple of dates to reject a man.  If something didn't ring true about him,  if something was off or not quite right and if he didn't check all my boxes, why would I waste my time on a man who didn't meet my high standards?  

That works for you and that's fine, but like you say, you don't speak for all women. I am sure it's a bit of a stereotype as well, that there's some kind of good judge of character gene on that extra X chromosome.

Taken literally, if it were true then no woman would ever have been in a relationship with an abuser or anyone who was simply a jerk and we know that's not the case.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do what works for you, but out of curiosity, how do you know if your instincts are always right? I'd assume a fair proportion of guys after the first date and you feel that something is off, you never see or hear from again. Or do you hear stories about him later that confirm your suspicions? Not that you should do something you feel uncomfortable with because someone on the internet questions how you come to your conclusions, I'm just interested in what people do differently to me.

EDIT: you've kind of answered this anyway while I was typing so I wanted to add that, I'm not saying you shouldn't do what you felt was right and it's good to hear you're happily married now.

Edited by Carnatic
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