Miss

[xrosebudx]

Hi there, this is a slightly confusing question so I apologise in advance!

My (I use this lightly) boyfriend and I have had a very turbulent relationship. He has anger issues, I’m actually pretty sure he is a narcissist and he has lied to me many times. (As I write this I think I may be answering my own question!) 

However, he is also kind, loving and makes me feel like the best person on earth when he wants to. (Narcissist skill maybe?)

I have managed to cut him out of my life with no contact a few times for a few months. But I always end up giving in to him in the end. (Tears, apologies for his erratic temper, promises to never do it again.) 
Just to be clear - he has never been physically abusive but perhaps pretty emotionally abusive.

Anyway, I know he is no good and I need to move on from him for good. But there is one question that, although I know no one can answer, I want to analyse the details around it and see what you think? 

In our last attempt to make things work, he wanted to ‘ spice things up’ bedroom-wise and this included tying my hands above my head on a curtain pole and blindfolding me. I was at my most vulnerable and you could say felt very on edge. But this was when I was trying to trust him. Now, my phone was on the bed and the phone light was on but otherwise the room was dark. He told me to wait for a minute and I heard a bag rustling. He asked me if I could see anything and I said no. But I was getting nervous. So I peered put underneath it. I am pretty shortsighted and had no glasses on but I am pretty sure I saw him stood across the room, phone in hand in the pose you would be in to take a photo. Then he put the phone down quickly and turned away.

I challenged him on taking a photo of me and he pretended to not even know where it was. 

I got dressed and challenged him again and he showed me his photos and there were no pictures on there. He denied it and was mildly angry that I was ruining the effort he’d put in. But he was also nervous and ‘fumbly’ as you would be if you had been caught out. 

-he later admitted to holding his phone but said he was answering a text from his mum who was looking after his daughter that evening. (From another relationship) and he didn’t want to “ruin the mood” by saying that that was what he was doing. 

-also, the phone didn’t flash (I don’t think!) so if he had taken a photo it would be very dark. But I do remember the pose he was in and he was holding the phone up as if he were taking a picture. 

Sorry for my rambling but I am so conflicted on what the answer is he.

He also got angry with me for the fact that I don’t believe him after he showed me his photos “which he shouldn’t have had to do” and I should have “just seen his face and known he wasn’t lying” (He didn’t go straight on his phone and show me. He kept it to himself for about 20 seconds first….) 

 

I just want to know if I’m being paranoid and crazy or if he is gaslighting me and the likelihood is he took a picture! 
 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, xrosebudx said:

My boyfriend and I have had a very turbulent relationship. 

In our last attempt to make things work, he wanted to ‘ spice things up’ bedroom-wise and this included tying my hands above my head on a curtain pole and blindfolding me.

How long have you been dating? How old is he?

You know he's abusive so why introduce BDSM and accept condoned abuse?

 Read up on abusive relationships. Talk to your therapist about self respect and how to extricate yourself from this.

 Needless to say. End it. Delete and block him from all social media and messaging apps....or waste your life away as a willing victim/martyr. Up to you. .

[xrosebudx]

3 years with gaps. We are both 29. 
 

This gentle of version of bdsm (easily removable handcuffs/blindfold) was something new he suggested. 
 

This is the thing with (I think) narcissism - it’s like an addiction and I’m trying so hard to make it stick this time. To me, it’s not overt. And usually it’s hindsight that makes me aware.

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it!

 

 

[DancingFool]

Whatever he may be, you are the one making excuses for his behavior and sticking around for more abuse. He is not some super powerful being who has you under some spell. You are fully in control on whether you carry on with him or not and are an active participant.

If you genuinely wanted him gone, he'd be gone. Blocked, deleted, removed from your life with extreme prejudice. Instead, you are acting helpless and making excuses like he is addictive. OK, let's say this drama is addictive to you, so how do you quit? Cold turkey and forever - blocked, deleted, no contact ever again and if he shows up on your doorstep, you call the cops and don't talk to him. In other words, YOU have to want to leave this toxic cycle for real and once you decide that you do, you'll be rid of him. 

He can only bs you back into being with him because you are allowing it and you need to be honest with yourself about that. There is something that is appealing to you about this and that means you have some work to do on yourself in terms of fixing how you see relationships and what you should and shouldn't tolerate.

[HeartGoesOn]

Under review.