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Dating - Jealousy and Overcomplimenting Red Flags?


coly16
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Hi!

I got out of a bad relationship a while back and I am just getting into a new one. I realized that the last guy was potentially abusive and I spent a lot of my time being single looking at the red flags i missed. Now, this guy is incredibly sweet. Would do anything for me. Constantly compliments me and tells me i'm perfect, amazing, etc. He sometimes gets a little jealous but it never crosses into possessiveness. he never tells me what to wear, who to see or anything like that. He just may say "wow you look amazing tonight, I'm going to have to fight off all those guys looking at you." or something along those lines. In my in depth dive I found jealousy and overcomplimenting as red flags. I am worried that i'm being hyper vigilant. I just don't want to get into anything like with my ex. Thanks! ❤️ 

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1 minute ago, coly16 said:

 . In my in depth dive I found jealousy and overcomplimenting as red flags.  ❤️ 

Relax and take it one step at a time. The remark is in itself not disconcerting.

Make sure you leave the past in the past. Accept compliments graciously.

This seems like flirting not red flags. 

You did the right thing taking time off to reflect what happened and understand what red flags 🚩 look like.

 

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6 minutes ago, coly16 said:

"wow you look amazing tonight, I'm going to have to fight off all those guys looking at you." 

Relax. This sounds very regular and unoriginal. He likes you. But take your time with each other and getting to know one another.

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1 hour ago, coly16 said:

"wow you look amazing tonight, I'm going to have to fight off all those guys looking at you."

That is not jealousy, that is just a compliment. Bit cringy one but still a compliment. Jealousy would be if he said "Dont wear that mini skirt, other guys would watch" or "Block that guy on social network, I dont like him". Or even something more benign like "I dont like how that guy was looking for you/you looking that guy". 

Now "love bombing" may be considered a red flag, but still dont see that he tells you how he would, I dunno, marry you or something along those lines.  This is more in lines of standard compliment stuff.

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5 hours ago, coly16 said:

He sometimes gets a little jealous but it never crosses into possessiveness. he never tells me what to wear, who to see or anything like that. He just may say "wow you look amazing tonight, I'm going to have to fight off all those guys looking at you." or something along those lines. In my in depth dive I found jealousy and overcomplimenting as red flags. I am worried that i'm being hyper vigilant.

I don't think you're being hyper-vigilant at all. That bolded part has always been a red flag for me. This guy would go from 'Serious Prospect' to 'Source of Amusement' or 'Curiosity' as soon as he completed that sentence. Questions that come to mind upon hearing this from a guy are:

Do you think guys just pile up on top of me when you're not around? Am I some substanceless piece of paper blowing around in the wind? All a guy has to do is say pretty things and make beckon gestures and I float away towards him? 

If a guy says that to me early on, I know he's a blind man and I can't take him seriously. In his mind, I am an object. That's why he sees other guys as a threat. I've tested these waters. I speak from experience. I don't get into abusive relationships ever, but as a curious person I've walked the perimeter. 

You're starting to get a sense of self Coly. That's good. Listen to your gut.

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  • kamurj changed the title to Dating - Jealousy and Overcomplimenting Red Flags?

Entering any new relationship you should be looking for red flags.  Having been in an abusive relationship I believe it's pretty normal to be hypervigilant in fear that you may miss them like you have in the past.  I honestly went into to each experience thinking all men were this way until they proved me otherwise.  It was pretty miserable.

That comment could go either way.  It's a good thing that you noted it.  But at this point continue to take notes and observe.  I wouldn't jump ship at this point based on just that (unless you can give another example) (you alluded to other comments)

I remember being this way and what helped me and made the difference for me was to not focus entirely on whether they were someone I could trust - but rather if I was able to trust myself.  Trust myself to know the difference, know when to stay, when to leave and that I had the strength to handle whatever came my way.  

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7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is not jealousy, that is just a compliment. Bit cringy one but still a compliment. Jealousy would be if he said "Dont wear that mini skirt, other guys would watch" or "Block that guy on social network, I dont like him". Or even something more benign like "I dont like how that guy was looking for you/you looking that guy". 

Now "love bombing" may be considered a red flag, but still dont see that he tells you how he would, I dunno, marry you or something along those lines.  This is more in lines of standard compliment stuff.

Agreed, but this is early on.  The heavy handed comments would come later after a relationship has solidified.  These comments cloaked in a compliment are merely entry level.

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Yes over the top compliments are a red flag and so are possessive comments cloaked as a compliment. That said, sometimes it is about context, tone, and all those little things we observe in real life that are impossible to judge when commenting online. 

General rule of thumb is when in doubt, listen to your gut. If it doesn't feel right, don't continue with him even if you can't quite put in words why you don't feel right.

If you are unsure, then next time he is getting heavy with the compliments, tell him honestly that he is laying it on too thick and it's making you uncomfortable. Don't get into the why it does, only that it does. Then sit back and see how he reacts to that. If he insists on carrying on, tries to pry why and change your mind, or tries to blame you with something like "oh you are just not used to that, or you are too shy, or you'll just have to get used to that" or anything along those lines, RUN. If he actually respects what you said without debating it and cuts back on that, carry on and continue to keep your eyes open for other behaviors that might turn problematic.

Ultimately, it's up to you to rein yourself in emotionally. Meaning that any time you are dating someone, you need to be prepared to walk away if he starts to treat you badly or you are starting to see serious red flags and incompatibilities come up. Your commitment to the relationship needs to be conditional on how he is treating you today.

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Can you give some more examples of what you perceive as him being a little jealous? How long have you been dating? What's his life like besides dating you? Does he hang out with guy friends and has a fulfilling life outside of being with you, or not? What did he tell you about his past relationship history? Does he grill you about your past romances and wants more details than normal, or not?

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59 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Agreed, but this is early on. The heavy handed comments would come later after a relationship has solidified.

I agree that it's much more suspect when it's in the 'getting to know you' phase, like it is here. Especially under these circumstances:

11 hours ago, coly16 said:

Now, this guy is incredibly sweet. Would do anything for me. Constantly compliments me and tells me i'm perfect, amazing, etc.

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11 hours ago, coly16 said:

"I'm going to have to fight off all those guys looking at you." 

This line screams that a beautiful woman can't handle herself and wouldn't know how to keep her pants on.  That a woman is a posession.

Try this line, and say, "thanks, but I can hold my on,"

Abusers go very slow, and build up their intensity over time...so what you do in the meantime to find out...GO SLOW...don't sleep together right away...introduce him to friends and family, and ask them what they think about him.  See how he treats wait staff and others.  Meet him friends and family.

If he's pushy to sleep with you, or makes you feel bad for having plans without him, run.

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2 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Agreed, but this is early on.  The heavy handed comments would come later after a relationship has solidified.  These comments cloaked in a compliment are merely entry level.

I dunno, maybe I am not a girl, or overtly jealous person or somebody who dealt with possession a lot(did have one try to forbid me to see my female best friend because jealousy) but just cant see how "wow you look so amazing that I would have to fight other guys for you" is an entry level to some possessive obsessed jerk who, in a few months, would forbid her to go out unless she changes her clothes. Is it a bit heavy handed for start of relationship and maybe crossing "love bombing" side? Yes. Could it be worded better and that he, I dunno, just praised the dress she wore or maybe just particular attribute of hers? Sure. But at the end its just a compliment.

Now would I be inclined to believe OP when she says he is a jealous person? Sure. And I think that she should be careful there. But her example doesnt really show that side of his.

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I think since your senses are up. it's worth it to see what happens...

There's no harm in going slow and not getting all wrapped up in a guy.

You're watching him to make good choices and you should be watching yourself, too. Like not attaching things like, "he would do anything for me".

Would he?

I'm not trying to be a snark. Just as much as you want to make good choices based on what you actually see in the guy, you don't want to sabatoge yourself by putting him on some pedestal.

Both are important when setting & holding your boundaries. that's what's going to keep you out of an abusive relationship.  knowing yourself, what you want, what you'll accept and what you won't. 

Maybe you're not ready to be in a relationship. 

All things to think about. 

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Something to take into account with his overly complimentary behavior is how many long term relationships has he had? Some guys who aren't very experienced, and I speak from having done this accidentally, will over compliment as they want to make sure you know they are really into you. Unless you communicate your discomfort with compliments being laid on so thick they won't know how off putting it is.

If he won't ease off then you know he's up to more than just compliments. Focus on communication first, and go from there.

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3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dunno, maybe I am not a girl, or overtly jealous person or somebody who dealt with possession a lot(did have one try to forbid me to see my female best friend because jealousy) but just cant see how "wow you look so amazing that I would have to fight other guys for you" is an entry level to some possessive obsessed jerk who, in a few months, would forbid her to go out unless she changes her clothes. Is it a bit heavy handed for start of relationship and maybe crossing "love bombing" side? Yes. Could it be worded better and that he, I dunno, just praised the dress she wore or maybe just particular attribute of hers? Sure. But at the end its just a compliment.

Now would I be inclined to believe OP when she says he is a jealous person? Sure. And I think that she should be careful there. But her example doesnt really show that side of his.

I think you also have to take into account culture. I'm assuming they're both American. If a guy from another country said this to me, I might not be as critical because I don't know what's normal where he's from. But really, it's all about context.

The other (very important) thing to take into account is Coly's idealization of this guy:

16 hours ago, coly16 said:

Now, this guy is incredibly sweet. Would do anything for me. Constantly compliments me and tells me i'm perfect, amazing, etc. He sometimes gets a little jealous but it never crosses into possessiveness.

She uses words like "incredible," "constant," "perfect," and "amazing" when she talks about his positive traits. But when she talks about something that might be negative she says "sometimes" and "but not."

I don't doubt that his actions have encouraged these feelings in her.... but that's the problem.

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Beware of flattering and jealous types.  I've known several extended family members such as men who've married into the family.  They compliment a lot and their jealous comments intensify later as months or years pass by. 

Red flags are alarming because unnatural behavior is abnormal even if it seems harmless under the guise of insecurity and unsavory characteristic traits.   

My BIL (brother-in-law) is the jealous type and at first, his tactics may seem "loving." However, in reality, he treats my sister as if she is his property which is disdainful. 

My cousin's husband is charming, very complimentary and while it's nice for a bit, after a while, it gets old to hear frequent flattery to the point where it starts to feel insincere and repetitive.  Any ad nauseum compliments are no longer special and genuine whenever you hear excessive compliments.

I prefer natural people who don't have to try so hard to be well liked because they're secure and their sound, honorable character is good enough for them.  They don't have to go overboard with jealous thoughts and too many compliments. 

I think you should be on the look out for red flags because they're there for a reason and the reason is to forewarn you and avoid trouble later.  Take heed. 

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It is completely unfair to judge this guy on one cheezy compliment.  He sounds like he wants you to know how attractive he finds you so don't jump to conclusions on one sentence.

  Taking offense easily is a red flag for me when meeting someone new.  Many times it means they haven't unpacked their own baggage from the last relationship.

  Enjoy getting to know him and by all means keep an open mind.  The worst thing you can do is make him pay for the last guys issues.

 Lost

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43 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

The worst thing you can do is make him pay for the last guys issues.

I have to disagree with you there. I think the worst thing she can do is fall head over heels into yet another abusive relationship with a lying manipulator.

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