In need of help

[Messyandstressy]

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We got engaged two years ago but called it off after finding out he was sexting women online. I’ve forgiven all of the times he has cheated on me (stupid I know) and I can’t get past the comfort I feel from him. A year ago I started working for my dad again and I reconnected with this guy I haven’t seen in 3 years who I had blocked because my bf wasn’t comfortable. I let myself slip and now I’m having to choose.. I’ve been clear with both sides how I feel and that I need to be my own person for now but I’m still technically seeing both of them. Im tired of pleading for my boyfriend to care about my feelings and I’m tired of crying all the time. This other guy has done more to show he cares about me than my boyfriend of 5 years. Also keep in mind sex with this other guy is 100000 times better, never experienced anything better in my life. My boyfriend often gets there very quick and I’m left not taken care of every single time. I can’t get past the comfort thing.. and I don’t have the strength to walk away what do I do?!?!

[Messyandstressy]

I also want to point out that my boyfriend can be very compassionate but I always have to beg him to be.. The other day I told him how sad it was that I can’t even put my ring back on and he said well put it on then.. I want romance I want affection. I get cuddles I get hugs and kisses but it’s just not emotionally connected.. it can’t be. I know I let myself slip but it was only after being beaten down so many times. Just don’t know what to do.

[Cherylyn]

Stop cheating on your boyfriend.  Two wrongs don't make a right.  Break up with your boyfriend so you can be with the other guy.  If you want to be your own person, then don't be with either guy. 

Make a wise, final decision.

[Rose Mosse]

20 minutes ago, Messyandstressy said:

 Im tired of pleading for my boyfriend to care about my feelings and I’m tired of crying all the time. T

I agree. This sounds tiring. You're with your boyfriend out of comfort and familiarity but he isn't good to you. The other guy is willing to have sex with you but he agrees to do it knowing you're in a relationship? Seems odd to me. Perhaps neither quite care about you or your wellbeing. 

Take care of yourself. It's difficult to understand why you would bother with either man.

[Messyandstressy]

17 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Stop cheating on your boyfriend.  Two wrongs don't make a right.  Break up with your boyfriend so you can be with the other guy.  If you want to be your own person, then don't be with either guy. 

Make a wise, final decision.

I know ugh. That’s why I’ve been very strict with the whole “we’re not back together” thing. Because truth is idk what to do! I don’t have that comfort level with the other guy.. it feels like the right thing to do to go back.. he has this way of reeling me back in but I KNOW I’m not nearly as happy. 

[Messyandstressy]

Just now, Rose Mosse said:

I agree. This sounds tiring. You're with your boyfriend out of comfort and familiarity but he isn't good to you. The other guy is willing to have sex with you but he agrees to do it knowing you're in a relationship? Seems odd to me. Perhaps neither quite care about you or your wellbeing. 

Take care of yourself. It's difficult to understand why you would bother with either man.

The other guy knows it’s disfunctional and that I could totally go back just out of comfort. But he is so ready and willing to marry me and move on if I have him the chance.. he’s super invested in my family already (from before) and he cares a lot about my younger siblings. It’s tough. 

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Messyandstressy said:

sex with this other guy is 100000 times better

It's time to end it with the BF. Don't stay stuck with the "devil you know", so to speak.

He cheats and what "comfort" is in that?

[Messyandstressy]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's time to end it with the BF. Don't stay stuck with the "devil you know", so to speak.

He cheats and what "comfort" is in that?

Idk I wish I could explain it.. I feel like he’s who I’m supposed to be with. It’s been so long that I just tell myself this is how it’s supposed to be 

[Rose Mosse]

17 minutes ago, Messyandstressy said:

Idk I wish I could explain it.. I feel like he’s who I’m supposed to be with. It’s been so long that I just tell myself this is how it’s supposed to be 

The cycle repeats itself until you will want to break it or end it. It's up to you. 

[Cherylyn]

41 minutes ago, Messyandstressy said:

I know ugh. That’s why I’ve been very strict with the whole “we’re not back together” thing. Because truth is idk what to do! I don’t have that comfort level with the other guy.. it feels like the right thing to do to go back.. he has this way of reeling me back in but I KNOW I’m not nearly as happy. 

Take a break from men.  Work on yourself. 

[Kwothe28]

Does boyfriend knows about the other guy? Sounds like you broke up but still see both of them. Other guy surely knows about bf, but not sure bf would be thrilled to know about cheating

Anyway, its time for story: A while ago I introduced my college roomate with my college friend. They were both in the relationships(she had 3 or 4 year one at the moment, he had few months one as I remember) but they were friends through me. Anyway, in time they ended up hitting it off and started an affair. He broke things off with his girl but she stayed in a relationship. After a while even she broke things off with her boyfriend and decides to give it a try. So they ended up dating for about a month. Until they realized they are not for each other and that they can never be together and how it was just exciting because, hey, thrills. So she gets back to her boyfriend and they just continue having sex. That lasted for a few years I think. She married her long-time boyfriend(the one she cheated all the time btw) and has 2 kids with him. Even though Ive heard from her the same story I hear from you, how he doesnt care, how sex is lame and he doesnt last as long etc. I still laugh to this day at her Facebook posts how that is some big love. They even do that cringy thing where they dress up in their marriage attire every year and make pictures. Reminds me on one thing Ive heard from one women: The kind of marriages that post on social networks about love all the time are the ones where most cheating happens. 

Anyway, reminded me on your case because it is similar. And how I think its just thrills. Otherwise you would give the other one a chance and see if it can work at least. Btw great guy, he will surely not cheat on you when he sees that its not as exciting as before when you cheated. Bit of irony, dont mind me. 

[melancholy123]

1 hour ago, Messyandstressy said:

Idk I wish I could explain it.. I feel like he’s who I’m supposed to be with. It’s been so long that I just tell myself this is how it’s supposed to be 

WRONG!  You are not happy with that guy and you really need to grow a backbone and move on from him.  He doesn't sound like he gives a sh1t about you anyway.

Dont settle for a guy who isn't giving you what you want and need.

[HeartGoesOn]

These type on situations have a strong potential to backfire leaving you empty handed, so to speak.  In other words, be careful what you wish for.

You're better off taking a break in order to get your head on straight. 

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Take a break from men.  Work on yourself. 

I second this!

It sounds like you are too overwhelmed & confused.  And to feel 'stuck' between two men is not good on you.

You NEED to sort yourself out here.  Back & forth is messy on your emotions & mentality.

Still stuck on the ex and yearning to by physical with the new one. 😕 

Is best you back off them both for a good while and figure yourself out, before you go completely crazy.  And you cannot give 'your all' to either of them in this position. So, you are not being fair.

You need to be totally done with one.. give yourself time to accept & recover BEFORE you get into another relationship because if you don't it'll most likely just be a rebound.. and they end often as fast as they begin. ( You don't want this and is totally unfair on the guy at the other end as well).

 

 

[catfeeder]

Where's the 'comfort' in being with someone who makes you unhappy?

I'd stop thinking of the ex with that term, and I'd stop seeing him instead.

New guy is aware that you're rebounding with him, and I'd avoid buying into the marriage BS with him. He'll show you a whole new set of problems in time, and it will occur to you that leapfrogging from one guy to another robs you of the opportunity to 'find yourself' and make better choices.

 

[Jibralta]

On 10/21/2021 at 6:42 PM, Kwothe28 said:

I still laugh to this day at her Facebook posts how that is some big love. They even do that cringy thing where they dress up in their marriage attire every year and make pictures. Reminds me on one thing Ive heard from one women: The kind of marriages that post on social networks about love all the time are the ones where most cheating happens.

Interesting! But not surprising because so many cheating relationships are really just a sick form of competition when it boils down to it.