General advice

[sam1256]

I met a guy couple months ago, first time I saw him, I really liked him, he was good looking, great hair. I had this good image about him.

So the second time I saw him, I was really hyped. But when I saw him (morning time lots of light), I was kinda disappointed, I felt like he was not that good looking, he had bad skin, messy hair (the first time I met him at night I didn't really look at that), he does not have a good style(maybe just the second time didn't dress well). Just overall I was not super into him. He has a great personality and super nice though.

Based on how he looked the second time I don't really like him. Is it ok to believe that you can change someone? I was thinking to take him to a hair dresser or introduce him to some skin care products. I do see his potential and I know that he just does not know how to style himself. I am like pretty into appearances, I know it is not good, but I think it is the foundation of liking someone for me.

I unconsciously just said you need sunscreen for his wrinkles, it made me feel really bad, it's like saying that he is not good enough, I don't know if he was offended, after talking to him a few times i know that he's an introvert, even he does not like something he just disguise it with a smile. I do not want to hurt him, he has a child's heart....

just a general question like is it bad to want to change someone? Date for someone's potentials?

[Seraphim]

Are you dating or just a general acquaintance I can’t tell. 

[sam1256]

2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Are you dating or just a general acquaintance I can’t tell. 

Thanks for the reply, its dating

[Seraphim]

OK ,if you are dating why are you dating somebody if you don’t like the way they look? You don’t date someone to change them. You find someone who meets your standards in the first place. 

[Capricorn3]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

OK ,if you are dating why are you dating somebody if you don’t like the way they look? You don’t date someone to change them. You find someone who meets your standards in the first place. 

^ This.  I totally agree.  And I think yes, it is a bad thing to want to change someone.  You either accept people as they are or you don't. There's a lot more to people than just their looks.

[Coily]

Wanting to change someone this early is a bad sign. Best to let them be comfortable with who they are, and you move on to someone who isn't a project.

[Rose Mosse]

It's not necessarily bad but you do come across as a shallow and preoccupied at surface level. Don't keep dating someone you don't find attractive. 

It is perfectly ok not to be attracted to someone. Be kind and go your separate ways.

[Wiseman2]

He may think you're nuts if you suggest a makeover right now.

 

[Batya33]

I had a first date in the early 1990s through a personal ad.  My friend actually found him and knew he wasn't for her so she directed him to me.  He was GORGEOUS.  Second date I went even though I had a cold.  So I didn't look my best (please note back then for whatever reason keeping a date even if you had a cold wasn't a big deal germ wise and we hadn't even kissed).  I was in my 20s as was he.  After the second date, right before Halloween he calls me and tells me his mom said she would take me for a makeover to learn how to wear more makeup.  I was horrified.  But stupid.  So I agreed to another date and told him I agreed even though I was offended.  Really stupid on my part.  I was tempted to wear full Halloween makeup on our date but I didn't.  Of course he never called me again.  I saw years later he married a very pretty fashion designer.  

It's offensive to ask someone to improve how they choose to dress or makeup related stuff.  Especially when you've first met. (Yes over the years I've given my husband fashion suggestions but it's been many years -he often will ask me about which tie to wear or where to get his hair cut, etc).

  One exception - totally fine to tell someone about a dress code for a work event or wedding etc.  I dated someone who wore jewelry that wouldn't have been appropriate at a work event I wanted to take him to as my plus one and yes I asked him if he'd not wear it for the event - many years ago.  He was insulted.  But I had a good reason IMHO.  Your reason is you don't like his face or appearance/style.  Let him go and find someone who does. 

[smackie9]

How would you feel if a guy you were dating decided that you needed to get a make over, change the color of your hair and suggest clothing to wear? It would offend you right? Just date someone else.

[reinventmyself]

If you noticed these things on the first date would you consider asking him to make changes to his appearance? 

I think you got tripped up on your first impression and ran with the fantasy.  When he didn't match your fantasy on the second date, you seem to be grasping at getting it back.

You know the answer to this.  You don't ask someone you barely know to be someone they aren't.  You hold out from someone that meets your expectations.

[melancholy123]

OMG are you actually that shallow?  You cant change people, they have to want to change.  Maybe he is fine with how he looks.

You need to let this go and move on to someone who meets your requirements. 

[sam1256]

Thank you everyone, you are right. I will not try to change him anymore, thank you!

[Cherylyn]

Generally, people look their best when they're out in public such as for a date, dinner out or when they want to look good.  They're well groomed and look their best.  I don't know of many people who look fantastic first thing in the morning, disheveled, not tended nor cared for.

If his messy hair and bad skin really bother you, then don't pursue dating him in the future.  If his personality and nice human nature aren't good enough, then seek someone else.

If you wish to improve his appearance by suggesting a hair stylist and skin care products, you'll have to guide him very respectfully without insulting him.  Some people or men in your case, are agreeable to self improvement whereas other men will react harshly. 

It's not bad to want to change someone.  In some ways, you're actually doing them a favor.  It all depends on how they react to your advice.  Some men are receptive to your good intentions and ideas whereas others will give you conflict and confrontation. 

I suggested a different haircut and hairstyle for my husband years ago and it's very becoming on him.  He was smart to take my advice.  Some men are very stubborn and set in their ways.  It's very individual.