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Is Wanting Kids a Necessary Prerequisite to Dating?


Redvelvet94
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I don't want to have kids. I've never been comfortable around children and I don't care to have the responsibility. But it's definitely hard to find a partner that doesn't want kids. If you don't want kids, has it been difficult for you finding someone who doesn't as well? And how has your life been without children? Do you feel it was the right decision?

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If you feel you do not want kids, that's fine and yes, can be a bit of a challenge finding someone the same. But they do exist.  My brother never had kids, he's hitting mid 40's. ( though, in ways I feel my sis in law did), but they are together still.

Many women do & will have kids.  Some already have them. But also, many do not fancy having kids due to the same reason as you and they don't feel they can handle the expectations/stressors and their lifestyles.

But, if you choose not to want/have any is your choice. ( Only you know if it's the right decision), but I feel your choice is a good one, since you feel you don't mesh well there.

If you are on dating sites, I assume you mention this? 

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When I was on Bumble, I did mention that. I never had a lot of success in general with online dating, but I'm pretty firm on my stance. I'm happy to hear about your brother though. Good to know people who don't want kids can find each other.

Edited by Redvelvet94
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Never wanted kids and I would never date a man with kids. I underwent permanent sterilization in my mid 20s. I'm in my early 30s and life is pretty good overall - if I weren't doing school and full time work, I would have more free time. I love it. Absolutely no regrets. 

Not sure if you're male or female but given your age, it will be a bit easier to find someone who doesn't want kids. I feel as generations continue on, the younger ones seem to be less likely to want kids and it's more acceptable to not have any. You may get fewer "matches" but you should garner pretty good interest, provided your profile/pic is good. 

I no longer date and I am not in a relationship but I always had a lot of options when I was dating. As soon as I hit 30, I noticed the number of available single dads went way up. I'm sure I could find someone semi-suitable who doesn't have kids if I wanted to, but I may have to dig for a while, versus in my 20s when there were more single people. But that's less on the kids bit - there's just MORE single folks in their 20s. 

We all have our standards and what we want out of life. Not wanting kids will not doom you and if you are serious, you will find someone. Never compromise and have a child when you don't want one or become an unwilling step-parent. That's a way to ruin 2 lives, yours and the kids.

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My extended relatives, some friends and acquaintances chose not to have children and they've found common partners or spouses who share their same views.  They're satisfied with their decision. 

Times have changed.  It's more expensive to raise children than ever before.  Inflation hasn't kept up with wages; similar to real estate.   It's not unusual to find people who have no desire for children. 

I don't think differences in wanting children vs. not wanting children is a deal breaker especially if it's just dating and there isn't any long term, serious commitment in the horizon.  The topic of children is more important if the relationship will tend to endure beyond the dating phase. 

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Nope, I (26 M) don't want biological children. I've actually been fairly surprised by how many people seem to be on the same page as me recently. Definitely, it seems like the majority want kids... But there seems to be a sizable minority of people who do not want children - or who would be happy either way. 

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I think it is harder. But I wouldn’t date men with kids and in my 30s that got a bit harder.  (I did date a man for three months whose ex girlfriend had a baby after we were dating a month. I couldn’t handle it and I went on one or two dates with a man who had kids). I think if you don’t 100% want a child do not have one.  I always 100% wanted a child and wouldn’t date anyone who didn’t feel the same.  But yes there certainly are people who don’t want kids. And don’t have kids. Just make it clear from the get go.  Your decision not to have a child is completely fine and valid. 
as far as the responsibility yes it’s huge. Are you ok potentially with the responsibility of helping as a caregiver for your spouse’s parent or sibling or relative ?  Consider your caregiver related boundaries before you get serious with someone especially if the person has family members with disabilities or special needs or who are elderly etc. 

Edited by Batya33
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Thank you to everyone in the forum. I'm happy to hear people have found love without kids. And Batya33, that's a great point about bearing the responsibility of caregiver to a spouse's family. I've definitely wondered myself what it would be like if a partner got seriously injured or ill, would I be able to handle it. I don't know. But I will try to keep that in mind as well going into the future.

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I don't think wanting kids is necessary to date.

It may be to a specific date.

Knowing you don't want kids makes it easier. If you meet someone and you know they do, then easy peasy, you're not compatible.

I don't have kids and I have more friends without kids than friends with kids. 

I imagine my friend with kids have more friends with kids. They meet a lot of people through the kids. 

But my non parent friends either chose that or circumstances dictated they didn't have kids. 

On both sides, I think people are happy with their choices. I am glad I don't have kids. I think wanting them is the most important thing.  It's not easy and if you don't do it for the right reasons (for the kids) it's not good. 

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My brother and his wife never had kids as they didnt want them.  My neighbours dont have kids as they didnt want them.  Many of. my friends dont have kids, they didnt want them.  There is nothing wrong with that choice.

Sometimes I wish I never had kids, I have 2 grown kids.  I love them but my life could have been a lot simpler if I didnt.

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7 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

My brother and his wife never had kids as they didnt want them.  My neighbours dont have kids as they didnt want them.  Many of. my friends dont have kids, they didnt want them.  There is nothing wrong with that choice.

Sometimes I wish I never had kids, I have 2 grown kids.  I love them but my life could have been a lot simpler if I didnt.

I hear that from a lot of people...if I had know I wouldn't have....

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As a prerequisite, no. Dating isnt solely about children, its about finding the person that suits your needs. Your needs may be just physical nature, or just to find anybody, or to find a soulmate, or just to find somebody to make you kids. Different people have different desires. But if you want to talk serious dating, yes, lots, maybe even most of people, would have a serious desire for kids if they are not accomplished in that way. You can maybe even look at it from biological standpoint, and that its about human nature to procreate. We as a species have come that far so that our copulation doesnt include just desire to procreate and create an offspring. But its still pretty much hardwired in most of people. 

I am an educator by profession. It was kinda prerequisite for me to like kids and like to work with them. So it comes as a natural to want at least one of my own. But I can undestand people who dont. Not everybody wants kids. And most importantly, not everybody should have them, not even some people who already have them. Its not an easy job to raise them properly, it requires a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice. 

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3 hours ago, Redvelvet94 said:

Thank you to everyone in the forum. I'm happy to hear people have found love without kids. And Batya33, that's a great point about bearing the responsibility of caregiver to a spouse's family. I've definitely wondered myself what it would be like if a partner got seriously injured or ill, would I be able to handle it. I don't know. But I will try to keep that in mind as well going into the future.

My friend in her 40s is married with three wonderful young kids.  Today she drove her husband an hour to a hospital for his scheduled surgery.  He has late stage colon cancer.  He will be in the hospital for over a week and has been undergoing chemo.  She had to quit her job she loves as a therapist.  He is on medical leave.  Just consider whether long term commitments are right for you in general whether or not you have or want kids.

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There are no guarantees in life. Having children does not guarantee that you will be supported in old age by them or surrounded by them as you die. Not having children does not guarantee a windfall of money and a responsibility-free life.

All you can do, regardless of child or not, is to prepare yourself the best you can. I have supplemental insurance policy that doesn't cost much per month that will pay me out cash, a lot of it, if I am dignosed with cancer or have another critical illness/health event and need financial help. I also plan to get long term care insurance and I sock away a lot of money every month. 

Just be prepared and don't bank on a lot of assumptions.

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I don't necessarily think it's a prerequisite for dating, however if you are getting serious then you should have the conversation about not wanting kids before things get serious, so that all the cards are on the table and your partner can decide if that's okay with them or not. 

I can imagine that it is quite difficult to find a partner who does not want kids but it's definitely doable, don't give up you will find someone like-minded and make it work.

I'm in my mid 20s and I certainly don't want kids yet and when the time comes, I only want one, but most guys I come across want to at least have 2 if not more, but I'm not willing to compromise on that front, more often than not, the relationship ends up not quite working out because of that. 

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9 hours ago, Sonneblom said:

I'm in my mid 20s and I certainly don't want kids yet and when the time comes, I only want one, but most guys I come across want to at least have 2 if not more, but I'm not willing to compromise on that front, more often than not, the relationship ends up not quite working out because of that. 

So - real question -are you then just considering adoption?  Because what if you are pregnant with twins?

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