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I know he lied, what to do now?


canitrustu
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Why would you want to live your life this way?

"But I LOVE him!!!" doesn't apply after three short months. Neither does "but we've been together so long, I don't want it to be for nothing!!"

This snooping and fake profile creating will never stop. Never. Why put yourself through that?

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3 hours ago, canitrustu said:

I think this would give me a better idea whether or not he's being deceitful.

So what you're saying, basically, is that you are going to continue to deceive him in order to see if he's deceitful? Doesn't sound like a recipe for anything more than strife from these seats. 

He lied to you, yes. Not cool, red flag, and so on. But I do think it's worth owning that the lie you extracted from him began with a lie (by omission) of your own. Hard to hold the moral high ground when you're "testing" someone's capacity for dishonesty by being dishonest, and now considering doubling down on that approach.  

In your shoes, right now, I'd step back and take a deep breath. If I had talked to you 3.5 months ago, would you have told me your ideal boyfriend is a dude who looks at and engages in internet thirst traps? Would you have told me that your ideal relationship is one in which you build connection and safety through deception, testing, and trap setting?  If the answer to those questions is "Yes!" proceed; if it's something different, listen to that voice.

As others have noted, it's trying to tell you something. 

 

 

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I actually found his tumblr way before we started dating but back then I didn't care what he posted and I didn't think twice of it because I never gave it a close look. Just recently I randomly remembered about it and when I checked, that's when I found the disturbing content he likes/reposts. So no, he didn't give me any indication that he shouldn't be trusted or that he's doing sth shady. I wish I never looked it up again cause as they say IGNORANCE IS BLISS. You can't unknow what you already know, so I kinda screwed myself over and I keep digging myself deeper into this by thinking of other tests to put him through which also makes me toxic and deceitful, so I'm no better than him....

I don't wanna break up because I'm convincing myself that what he does isn't such a big deal as I'm making it to be and things could be worse... After all he takes care of me and gives me love and affection and I never would've thought he would do something to hurt me behind my back...this is why I think he doesn't even realize that this would hurt me in any way...he has a completely different view on this, to him it's probably like porn I guess...

I don't know anymore...

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3 hours ago, canitrustu said:

I wish I never looked it up again cause as they say IGNORANCE IS BLISS. You can't unknow what you already know, so I kinda screwed myself over

You didn't screw yourself over by digging, but you are screwing yourself over with the excuses that you make to stay with him.

What's so great about this guy? Is Bluecastle on to something here? To paraphrase:

3 hours ago, bluecastle said:
  • your ideal boyfriend is a dude who looks at and engages in internet thirst traps
  • your ideal relationship is one in which you build connection and safety through deception, testing, and trap setting
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5 hours ago, canitrustu said:

that what he does isn't such a big deal as I'm making it to be and things could be worse

Convincing yourself, it's not a big deal because he thinks it's not a big deal, is really lowering your standards in order to please him.

Comparing it to something worse, is another tactic people use to try to lessen the blow of the current situation, but unfortunately, this man lies to you.

I doubt that's something you're ever going to forget, even if you try to push it to the back of your mind.

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So you checked him out online and found out he's doing stuff that doesn't align with your values.  You then set a test for him about what you found and know that he lied to your face.  That wasn't enough proof that this guy is not right for you, but you want to set another test to see if he'll pretend to be single.  When he says he is, what will be the next test?  To see if he'll arrange to meet?  When will enough be enough? 

You may keep finding excuses for this guy, but ultimately you don't like his behaviour and even if you confront him and he admits it, you're unlikely to trust him or believe he'll stop.  Why put yourself through all this emotional turmoil?  There are other great guys out there who don't do this stuff, who'll you be much happier with!

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Unfortunately I'd say pack up and leave now before you're in way too deep. 

You're only 3 months in and he's already lying to your face. Confronting someone like that only makes them sneaker about it. They won't suddenly treat you with more respect. 

And the longer you stay around, allowing that, the bolder they get because they think you'll never leave, no matter what. I've learned the hard way many times there. 

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2 hours ago, Catlover44499 said:

Confronting someone like that only makes them sneakier about it. They won't suddenly treat you with more respect. 

Exactly. And then you will get sneakier and more manipulative, trying to catch him in one of his many many lies. You will just get dragged down farther and farther (how low can you go) until you convince yourself that you're less than he is.

You have already started to do this:

15 hours ago, canitrustu said:

thinking of other tests to put him through which also makes me toxic and deceitful, so I'm no better than him....

When you start believing this, you're really in trouble because self loathing will keep you trapped.

What do you find so enticing about this self-debasement? Why are you willing to hate yourself in order to stay with this guy? He's a liar. A liar is not a prize. A liar has no value. 

15 hours ago, canitrustu said:

he doesn't even realize care that this would hurt me in any way

Fixed that for you. Make no mistake about this: he doesn't care about you. He doesn't even care about himself. He only cares about satisfaction. So if he's responding to you sulking or being "off," it's simply because it satisfies him to playing along for the time being.

19 hours ago, canitrustu said:

The past few days he's been concerned about me because I'm a bit off and he can notice a difference in my behavior but he has no idea why and keeps asking me whats wrong...

Don't think for a minute that he actually cares the way that a normal person would. Eventually, he will grow bored of you. Your pouting routine will abruptly stop working and you'll be bereft as you discover that you can't sink any lower than you already have in order to 'keep' him. You will feel like an ass and that will make it that much harder to recover. 

Don't lose your dignity.

On 10/18/2021 at 4:39 AM, canitrustu said:

it makes me uncomfortable and even if I get over my insecurities about it, I don't know what to do about the trust issues I now have because I now know that he is capable of lying straight to my face with no remorse.

You're supposed to feel this way when someone lies to you. It's your gut warning you to get out now. If you dismiss and minimize and your gut instincts as personal defects, you are setting yourself up for a disastrous relationship. Stop trying to "get over" them and start listening to them. 

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19 hours ago, canitrustu said:

 I found the disturbing content he likes/reposts. 

 I'm convincing myself that what he does isn't such a big deal as I'm making it to be and things could be worse

These views are so contradictory.  

Initially his actions are disturbing and now after the fact they aren't such a big deal. 

You are willing to compromise your own personal values for the sake of holding on to this guy,

You say he takes good care of you and shows you love an affection.  But he lied to your face when it mattered the most.

So, you are willing to move forward and adopt a don't look/don't tell attitude.  Ignore the fact that he is very likely to continue to look at disturbing content and respond to women.  And accept the fact that when asked, you won't get the truth?   How warm, safe and fuzzy will you feel a year from now?

 

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I hear y'all. I'm not going to proceed with the "test" and I haven't checked his tumblr these past couple days because just the thought of it gives me anxiety and I can't handle it. I've decided to give myself time to clear my head and I'm not pressuring myself to make any big decisions rn as in confronting him or leaving him.

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29 minutes ago, canitrustu said:

I've decided to give myself time to clear my head and I'm not pressuring myself to make any big decisions rn as in confronting him or leaving him.

In other words:

18 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

move forward and adopt a don't look/don't tell attitude.  Ignore the fact that he is very likely to continue to look at disturbing content and respond to women.  And accept the fact that when asked, you won't get the truth

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You're not doing yourself any favors by ignoring what he's done, or who he is.

You're just delaying the inevitable.

Ask yourself why you're so desperate to hang onto a man who is lying or could be doing worse?

Are you really that scared of being alone? If so, you need to explore that and work out why you're willing to allow bad behavior, just so you won't be alone.

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  • 2 months later...
On 10/19/2021 at 10:51 AM, canitrustu said:

 

I don't think this thing is worth breaking up with him. That's why I've also thought of doing another test on him. What if I anonymously send him a message on tumblr and say something along the lines of "hey, i think you're rly cute, are u single? :)" and see if he'd reply and what exactly. (He posts selfies sometimes so that's how I know it's his blog for sure). I think this would give me a better idea whether or not he's being deceitful. But I'm also scared of what his answer would be so I don't know if I'm going to do this. Also it makes me feel like maybe I'm the bad toxic one....

You really aren't listening to what people are telling you.

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