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I know he lied, what to do now?


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My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months now and everything's been more than perfect. He treats me super well, gives me all the needed love and affection.

However, recently I found his tumblr account. Turns out he often reblogs and likes explicit content, and nudes of other girls. Of course this made me super uncomfortable. I'd say our sex life is pretty good, we have sex a lot and I often send him nudes myself, so it's not like I don't satisfy him.

I decided instead of confronting him about it, to test if he'd lie to me. So I waited for a good moment and started a convo about how I find it super disrespectful when a guy likes other girl's "sexy" photos online. I asked him if he does that and he said no. (I expected him to deny ofc and wasn't surpised). This sparked a long conversation tho and he started saying things like how there's always a line where the girl shouldn't cross to try and control her bf and brought up his ex and how she was controlling and would be mad at him for just saying hi to other girls or complimenting their outfits for example. Of course I agreed with him and said that's absurd and I wouldn't do that, but repeated that it's still disrespectful to like other girls' nudes online if you're in a relationship cus "you got food at home". He agreed and again said he doesn't do it and wouldn't do it to me.

At this point I didn't want to be the crazy *** who stalked him so I didn't tell him that I know he does it. I decided to give him a chance and see if he will continue doing it. I thought maybe if I was in the same situation I'd deny it too to avoid conflict and not risk losing my partner over it and then I'd just stop doing it once I know my partner finds it disrespectful.

However, I checked his tumblr again days later and turns out he still does it. I'm willing to forgive the lie about it at first, cus I thought maybe he'd feel guilty about it and stop doing it, but now I don't know how to feel. He completely disregarded my feelings about it because he thinks I'm never gonna find out. I know some people would say it's just like watching porn and that men are horny and that it means nothing, etc. but it makes me uncomfortable and even if I get over my insecurities about it, I don't know what to do about the trust issues I now have because I now know that he is capable of lying straight to my face with no remorse.

What should I do? Do I confess that I know he lied or just try and forget about it and not check his tumblr anymore to keep myself sane???

Edited by canitrustu
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49 minutes ago, canitrustu said:

 I often send him nudes myself, so it's not like I don't satisfy him.

 started a convo about how I find it super disrespectful when a guy likes other girl's "sexy" photos online. I asked him if he does that and he said no. 

The first thing to do is stop sending nudes. That can go viral in a nanosecond and end up on trash like pornhub.

The second thing to do is be more secure and stop "giving him good food at home", as if you're competing with this online sleaze stuff.

The third is to stop revolving your life around policing and patrolling his online activities, then use nonsense roundabout discussions to change his behaviors.

Dating 12 weeks is to see if you are compatible and it seems like you are not.

Cut your losses. Stop sending nudes. Stop policing. Stop dancing around the elephant in the room with rhetorical sounding talks.

Most of all don't make the same mistakes in your next relationship. It's not your job to be anyone's pornstar. It's not your job to lecture on what you think is  "disrespectful", particularly since you are distributing nudes of yourself.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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I thought Tumblr banned adult content few years ago. Its the reason that site is dead now and they all transfered to other sites like Reddit.

Anyway, he did lied to you when you asked. Its not a big stuff to lie about but he still chose to lie. If you are that uncomfortable with his internet activities and that he likes pictures of some random girls and that he lies about it, then yes, you should just leave. Ignoring the problem or even straight up confessing that you spied on him would get you nothing because he wont change(and would even be mad that you spied on him) and you will still be uncomfortable there.

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When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He looked you in the eye and lied. Even worse, when you brought up the topic, he instantly turned manipulative and essentially threatened you with break up by bringing up his ex and claiming that she was "controlling". He was essentially telling you to back off or else. Except that his ex wasn't controlling, she didn't appreciate being lied to or having a bf trolling other women and who knows how far he goes with that. No, what he is doing is not the same as porn.

When you find out that someone you just started dating doesn't share the same values as you, it's time to dump them. This is why we date - to learn these kinds of things. Also, stop telling yourself how this is all so perfect because it's pretty far from it. 

Finally, for the love of....do not send nudes, especially to someone you barely know and stop deluding yourself with this idea that if only you do enough, give enough, act like a porn star enough, that will somehow ensure that a guy won't cheat on you. It doesn't work like that. Cheating is about character and lack of. A cheater will cheat no matter what you do. The only thing you do control is who you pick as a partner - don't pick liars and manipulators.

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Obviously you don't trust him because he really fancies other gals.

How do you know how to get into the guys Tumblr acct after dating 3 mos?

I dated guys 3+ yrs & never accessed their phones.

People will do as they please and don't want to be controlled, right. So, if you don't like what he does, then maybe it's time to end it with him.

As mentioned, you see now who he is... and this is something he does.

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7 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Obviously you don't trust him because he really fancies other gals.

How do you know how to get into the guys Tumblr acct after dating 3 mos?

I dated guys 3+ yrs & never accessed their phones.

People will do as they please and don't want to be controlled, right. So, if you don't like what he does, then maybe it's time to end it with him.

As mentioned, you see now who he is... and this is something he does.

For me the bigger issue is the lying part, because I know once you're in a relationship it doesn't mean you stop finding other ppl attractive. Maybe he just prefers this over watching porn. 

I found out what his username is and checked his acc, I didn't actually go through his phone. 

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19 minutes ago, canitrustu said:

For me the bigger issue is the lying part, because I know once you're in a relationship it doesn't mean you stop finding other ppl attractive. Maybe he just prefers this over watching porn. 

I found out what his username is and checked his acc, I didn't actually go through his phone. 

Okay, but I was making a point.  On how after such short of a time, you managed to do this...

Yes, he could find this as something else of interest other than porn, everyone's different.  Some people push it a little.. But, with porn, a cpl can d that together.. like I said, I guess this is how he rolls.. Is up to you whether you approve.. Is not actually cheating though.

And his lying is probably a 'defense' because of his past relationship, still feeling that need.

So, you can choose to just leave this issue alone & move on from it or continue to spy on his actions. if he isn't truly cheating.

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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

The first thing to do is stop sending nudes. That can go viral in a nanosecond and end up on trash like pornhub.

Totally agree!! For all you know, the nudes on his blogs are his 'controlling' ex-girlfriends.

By the way, how do you know it is definitely him?

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8 hours ago, canitrustu said:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months now and everything's been more than perfect. He treats me super well, gives me all the needed love and affection.

However, recently I found his tumblr account. Turns out he often reblogs and likes explicit content, and nudes of other girls. Of course this made me super uncomfortable. I'd say our sex life is pretty good, we have sex a lot and I often send him nudes myself, so it's not like I don't satisfy him.

I decided instead of confronting him about it, to test if he'd lie to me. So I waited for a good moment and started a convo about how I find it super disrespectful when a guy likes other girl's "sexy" photos online. I asked him if he does that and he said no. (I expected him to deny ofc and wasn't surpised). This sparked a long conversation tho and he started saying things like how there's always a line where the girl shouldn't cross to try and control her bf and brought up his ex and how she was controlling and would be mad at him for just saying hi to other girls or complimenting their outfits for example. Of course I agreed with him and said that's absurd and I wouldn't do that, but repeated that it's still disrespectful to like other girls' nudes online if you're in a relationship cus "you got food at home". He agreed and again said he doesn't do it and wouldn't do it to me.

At this point I didn't want to be the crazy *** who stalked him so I didn't tell him that I know he does it. I decided to give him a chance and see if he will continue doing it. I thought maybe if I was in the same situation I'd deny it too to avoid conflict and not risk losing my partner over it and then I'd just stop doing it once I know my partner finds it disrespectful.

However, I checked his tumblr again days later and turns out he still does it. I'm willing to forgive the lie about it at first, cus I thought maybe he'd feel guilty about it and stop doing it, but now I don't know how to feel. He completely disregarded my feelings about it because he thinks I'm never gonna find out. I know some people would say it's just like watching porn and that men are horny and that it means nothing, etc. but it makes me uncomfortable and even if I get over my insecurities about it, I don't know what to do about the trust issues I now have because I now know that he is capable of lying straight to my face with no remorse.

What should I do? Do I confess that I know he lied or just try and forget about it and not check his tumblr anymore to keep myself sane???

You must have felt some kind of deception vibe coming from him in order to check his account.

But when a relationship gets to the point where you're sneaking and checking on him, and asking him questions, when you know the answers, then you know your relationship is already in trouble.

Do I personally recommend checking up on your partner? Yes, I do. 

Life is too short to waste it with someone who is going to betray you, and lie.

I know many others feel that if you're doing that, that it's wrong, I however feel we have to keep our hearts safe and if you feel your boyfriend isn't being honest, then check.

Who else is going to take care of you?

Now, when it comes to your boyfriend in particular, it's not so much the fact that he's hiding the truth about liking naked pictures online.

That's immature of him at best.

However, what would worry me is that he's comfortable lying to you about anything at all.

I know you're trying to justify it by saying, "Oh, he just wants to avoid conflict", but a lie, is a lie and it's never okay.

If he is willing to lie to you about anything then:

A.) You're not as good of friends as you think.

B.) He is bordering on a type of betrayal as he is hiding truths from you and behaving how he knows would be hurtful to you.

C.) Has less respect for you if he can sit there and bold faced lie (I don't measure it in white, or small, big...to me, a lie is a lie).

I really think you need to reconsider this relationship, because by the sounds of it, it's turning toxic.

Edited by SherrySher
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My thoughts are, you're not the cause of his behaviour, but you're contributing to it by sending him nudes of your own.  I'm not sure if you're aware of the danger and consequences of where your nudes will land on the internet.

Rather than invest anymore of your time, I'd walk away and take the lessons with me. 

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It's been 3 months. Anyone and all relationships can seem perfect in that short of a time frame. So I wouldn't count too much on what you think you know of him....

So try to keep that in perspective. One lie in 90 days? there might be a lot more you don't know about.  Considering to him he's only really giving an opinion of how people should act. 

Instead of saying what he really thinks, he is saying what you want hear. 

That's another red flag. 

The other thing is, you're also being deceitful, setting a trap instead of being real with him. 

So whether you stay with him or not, this probably isn't a long term thing.  Neither of you is really being your authentic selves.  It's more about physical needs being met and having 'someone'. 

The true connection and meeting of the minds and souls isn't there. 

If that's what you're looking for, I'd move on....

Edited by Lambert
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8 hours ago, canitrustu said:

and not risk losing my partner over it

I am very sorry. If I could count how many individuals come to the forums asking for help mentioning that their partner likes or follows explicit material online or engages in inappropriate behaviour, it would be plentiful. There is at least one person a week with this specific question, confused and in pain because of their partner's behaviour. 

Since you have mentioned that he has a pattern of doing this, it is who he is. He is a liar and someone who engages in this type of behaviour so it's up to you to either remove that from your life or accept it. He won't change. 

Don't send any more of your photos to him and not to another person either after you dump this guy. Be more protective of your privacy. 

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

I am very sorry. If I could count how many individuals come to the forums asking for help mentioning that their partner likes or follows explicit material online or engages in inappropriate behaviour, it would be plentiful. There is at least one person a week with this specific question, confused and in pain because of their partner's behaviour. 

Since you have mentioned that he has a pattern of doing this, it is who he is. He is a liar and someone who engages in this type of behaviour so it's up to you to either remove that from your life or accept it. He won't change. 

Don't send any more of your photos to him and not to another person either after you dump this guy. Be more protective of your privacy. 

I gotta say, OP, Rose is 100% right.

He enjoys looking at other women. He enjoys also looking at naked women. He enjoys letting them know. 

He will lie to you about it, and probably lie about other things too. 

He will turn the tables on you when you try to talk to him about it, gas light you, call you controlling, crazy etc.

This is who he is. Take it, or leave it. It's extremely unlikely to change.

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Thank you all for the replies and advice you've given me. I appreciate it!

The past few days he's been concerned about me because I'm a bit off and he can notice a difference in my behavior but he has no idea why and keeps asking me whats wrong... I haven't told him anything tho and don't plan on it. I believe I can get over it and we actually had a really nice day together today.

I don't think this thing is worth breaking up with him. That's why I've also thought of doing another test on him. What if I anonymously send him a message on tumblr and say something along the lines of "hey, i think you're rly cute, are u single? :)" and see if he'd reply and what exactly. (He posts selfies sometimes so that's how I know it's his blog for sure). I think this would give me a better idea whether or not he's being deceitful. But I'm also scared of what his answer would be so I don't know if I'm going to do this. Also it makes me feel like maybe I'm the bad toxic one....

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1 minute ago, canitrustu said:

Well, him saying he's single and engaging in a conversation...

You are barely three months in. What do you find attractive about this kind of drama, snooping, setting traps and so on? If you can't trust the guy, then dump him and move on. Find a man you can trust and feel safe with. Why are you clinging to such toxicity?

I don't even know if you like him or you just like the adrenaline rush you are getting out of these games.

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1 hour ago, canitrustu said:

 

I don't think this thing is worth breaking up with him. That's why I've also thought of doing another test on him. What if I anonymously send him a message on tumblr and say something along the lines of "hey, i think you're rly cute, are u single? :)" and see if he'd reply and what exactly. (He posts selfies sometimes so that's how I know it's his blog for sure). I think this would give me a better idea whether or not he's being deceitful. But I'm also scared of what his answer would be so I don't know if I'm going to do this. Also it makes me feel like maybe I'm the bad toxic one....

If it's not worth breaking up over, why would it be worth testing him over it?  He's shown you he is capable of lying to your face and engaging in activity that isn't ok with you. 

This is not a good start to a budding relationship.   I often believe where there is smoke there is fire.  This only what you've dug up.  Imagine the rest.

I find his description of his suspicious, controlling ex very telling as well.  My guess she didn't much care for his extra curricular activities as well.

You imagining you are the toxic one is a way of twisting yourself into a pretzel.  If you can stuff and deny how you feel, make this about some mysterious character flaw you have, you can fool yourself into staying.  The only problem is the discomfort will bubble to surface eventually.  I'd cut my losses now before I invest any more into this.

What made you go looking to begin with?  I dated someone for a short time, who I sensed little things, got clues I ignored. Until one date he pulled out his phone and there was a nude s&m photo he quickly hid.  Next thing I knew I found myself on adult only websites I never new existed, to find him there almost around the clock.  I think our intuition is often grossly underestimated.  Something made you go looking for this.  I think you need to pay attention to that.

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10 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

He's shown you he is capable of lying to your face and engaging in activity that isn't ok with you. 

I agree. I don't think that's something that you should get over. But it's your life and your values.

 

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1 hour ago, canitrustu said:

That's why I've also thought of doing another test on him. What if I anonymously send him a message on tumblr and say something along the lines of "hey, i think you're rly cute, are u single? :)" and see if he'd reply and what exactly. 

Unfortunately, yes catfishing is toxic. It will not built trust or self respect..

At 12 weeks dating it's better to reflect on your findings and decide if you're compatible. You don't have to confront him since you already know all you need to know to decide.

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1 hour ago, canitrustu said:

Well, him saying he's single and engaging in a conversation...

It's almost a guarantee he will do the above. Try it. 

But I agree with everyone else, you're ignoring who he is and what he is like, and I don't know why. 

3 months in is very short and you don't trust him, and he's probably not trust worthy which is why.

Deluding yourself that it's not that bad, won't end well.

Edited by SherrySher
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