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Asked Ex For Reconciliation: Response Unclear


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My ex and I broke up in April after 3 years and went no contact pretty much until now. He has contacted my friends just to say hello on a few occasions which I thought was strange. We are in our 30s. I sent an email several months ago and he just replied back to me about 3 weeks ago. He ended his email saying he wants to be friendly and hopes I will update him about our dog. In my response back mostly wishing him well and clarifying a few things, I asked if he was open to potentially reconciling in the future as we have both worked on ourselves and asked if he saw a future for us. I did emphasize if he wanted to just end things and didn’t see a future, to please be honest and let me know and I would accept it. He replied back saying he “needs time to process what I said and gather his thoughts.” It’s now been almost three weeks and no follow up. Wouldnt he just end it and be direct if he wanted to? Why does he need MORE time. It’s been 6/7 months, you should know by now. 

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1 hour ago, shopaholic said:

Wouldnt he just end it and be direct if he wanted to? Why does he need MORE time. It’s been 6/7 months, you should know by now. 

He does know, he just didnt want to say it. Some people are just cowards or dont want to hurt the other side feelings. 

Also, "No Contact" rule is not there so that your ex would miss you more. Its there so you could heal and move on from the relationship. Because "Hi, I wanted to see how you and our dog are doing." doesnt really help you to heal and is maybe sending a wrong signal. Like to you who from one email jumped to "Hey, wanna get back together?". Work on yourself and move on. Because its clear that you didnt do that.

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3 hours ago, shopaholic said:

He has contacted my friends just to say hello on a few occasions which I thought was strange. We are in our 30s. I sent an email several months ago and he just replied back to me about 3 weeks ago. He ended his email saying he wants to be friendly and hopes I will update him about our dog.

I think you need to see this, that's it.

I am sure in your 3 years, you two do have some friends you both know, so I guess saying 'Hey' to them is fine.

Why are you sending him emails? ( denial.. hope?).

He is hoping you two can be 'friends'.. but so often that is NOT easy to do ( going backwards) , nor necessary.

You need to work on accepting what is and your healing now.  Reaching out, hoping to reconcile etc is not doing this.

No contact as mentioned, is best for you to do this. And he can't expect you to be his 'friend'.  He should understand you are hurting and need to work on dealing with all of your emotions.

 

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3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

He does know, he just didnt want to say it. Some people are just cowards or dont want to hurt the other side feelings

This. 

It's already over, OP. It hurts but his stance has apparently not changed. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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5 hours ago, shopaholic said:

 he wants to be friendly and hopes I will update him about our dog. Why does he need MORE time. It’s been 6/7 months, you should know by now. 

Sorry this happened. What was the breakup about? Did you live together? How is it "our dog" if it's really your dog?

Why would you want to reconcile?

It seems he's using the "let's stay friends" exit. It's an attempt to soften the breakup.

It would be best to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Focus on moving forward with your life in peace. Don't drag the past around with you.

Sometimes poorly placed diplomacy backfires like this and is misconstrued as hope.

Have you dated since? It may be time to get back out there.

 

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@Wiseman2- mostly started fighting during pandemic. His lifestyle and my lack of controlling emotions. Not because we didn’t love eAchother, just got hard and we both made mistakes. Yes we lived together and had a dog. He is blocked everywhere - but in his email to me he mentioned I was inconsiderate and petty for this. He also mentioned upset because I didn’t wish him happy bday. But I replied saying it’s just to hard to see. My friends that he was messaging are not his friends and I made that clear when we broke up. He just messaged them 3 weeks ago telling them where he’s living. It’s weird. I am heartbroken and not ready to date. We dated fir 3 years. My birthday is coming up - I think I’ll get answers then. He will either wish me or a lack of initiative/ignoring my question to reconcile will be an answer in itself. This is so hard. 

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break ups are hard and it totally sucks. I'm sorry.   When we're hurting and want them back, we see things through that lens. 

People struggle to be direct for a lot of reasons but none of the reasons are because they want to be with the person. 

It's mostly because they want their options open.  Which if you think about happy, healthy unions, they're not about individual options.

You're doing yourself no favors by holding on to signs that are not signs.  

If a person is unsure about you, your only response should be to completely walk away.  He cheapened your relationship and you don't deserve that. 

You're all 'It's not that we don't love each other.  He's all "keep me posted on the dog. "

Can't you see how messed up that is? keep me updated means, I don't really care enough to follow up, but you remember me and hold my place. 

He might be feeling lonely or he was just curious about your friends.  maybe he is interested in them in some way.... 

People who want to be with us, are with us.  It's really quite simple.

Let this guy go.  And don't fall for his 'it was petty of you to block him

When someone is supposed to love you and they hurt you, they don't get to be the victim, too.

If someone dumps me,  it is over...go away. you can talk to my friends all you want.. my friends aren't me.

 

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You have your answer. He's interested in the dog and likes to voyeur check in and snoop to see how you're doing via your friends. He's not interested in reconciling and keeping you at arm's length. 

Your message is sadly a little heavy and morose. Time out and close this chapter of your life. He won't be the one to give you closure.

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 I know it's hard and please don't wait for your bday as you have your answer right now.  Also as hard as it is to accept you're not entitled to a response from him.  His email had nothing to do with wanting to get back together even though you did your utmost to read into it that way.  I think he didn't want to slam the door totally shut so he gave himself an out in case he changes his mind. 

Also it just doesn't give a serious impression at all to raise this really intense and sensitive issue via email.  It's an in person thing.  Or maybe possibly a phone call.  Maybe you did that because you were scared. I get it.  But all that means is don't do it if you can't have an actual conversation. I've been on both sides of the get back together situation many times.  I am married to my ex fiancee.  I know I know "every situation is different."  Just giving my perspective.  It's hard!! I wish you luck.

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1 hour ago, shopaholic said:

Thanks everyone. I hope I will move forward soon, it’s very difficult. 

Keep posting if it helps. Moving forward comes in small bits. The first step is accepting that nothing is going to change. The second is not having any other contact with him. That dog is yours, not his. Enjoy your dog. Have fun with your friends. He is not a part of your life any longer.

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@Batya33- thank you. My initial email and his reply was mostly around closure and apologies from both of us, and explained things. My reply to him about a potential reconcile - I asked if we could talk, he said “he needed time to process and to be patient with him.” And when I followed up with that saying I’m open to a phone convo Bc it’s easier and it’ll clear any miscommunication, he didn’t reply so I left it at that. I agree with everything you said. Sometimes I wonder if my intuition is right or I’m in denial. Bc my intuition says he will respond, he always has in the past. But I know, I need to not wait and move on. 

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If he "needs time to process his thoughts," this means, he's leaning towards "no," he does not see a future with you and as he had stated previously, being friendly with you electronically and inquiring about the dog is all he is willing to give of himself.  If this isn't good enough for you, it's time to go your separate ways permanently.  You can end it diplomatically by texting that you wish him all the best and it's time to part ways permanently.  He should get your message and if he can't figure this out by using his common sense, ignore, ghost, block and delete him permanently.  Make a clean break.

Don't wait.  Move on for real.

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@Cherylyn- so just message him again and say I changed my mind I don’t need a response? How would I approach it? I’ll give him a few more weeks to reply and I’ll probably just say I don’t need a response any longer. He always says things are on my terms and he needs time (eye roll). 

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26 minutes ago, shopaholic said:

@Cherylyn- so just message him again and say I changed my mind I don’t need a response? How would I approach it? I’ll give him a few more weeks to reply and I’ll probably just say I don’t need a response any longer. He always says things are on my terms and he needs time (eye roll). 

Why? It doesn't make sense to contact him to tell him he doesn't need to contact you when he clearly has decided not to (if a few weeks have gone by).

It would seem more like you are trying to get his attention or trying to goad him into replying to you.

As they say, no response IS a response.

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30 minutes ago, shopaholic said:

@Cherylyn- so just message him again and say I changed my mind I don’t need a response? How would I approach it? I’ll give him a few more weeks to reply and I’ll probably just say I don’t need a response any longer. He always says things are on my terms and he needs time (eye roll). 

Leave him alone.  No, don't message him again.  I'm sorry.  His heart's not into you.  He's already moving on as should you with all due respect. 

Some people such as your ex are evasive and vague.  He prefers to give you a "safe" albeit confusing answer than give you a clear answer.  Beware of complex, complicated types.  Your ex is the type who isn't articulate which is a red flag and alarming.  These types of men are high maintenance so it's best for you to keep him as your ex. 

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11 hours ago, shopaholic said:

@Cherylyn- so just message him again and say I changed my mind I don’t need a response? How would I approach it? I’ll give him a few more weeks to reply and I’ll probably just say I don’t need a response any longer. He always says things are on my terms and he needs time (eye roll). 

Please do not contact him again -it looks desperate.  Silence on his side = not interested.  What he always says doesn't matter -there is no always anymore for sure -you two are not together.

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It appears he's moving on.  I would suggest you do the same.  

Seeing you are so tempted, I would delete all means of access to him.  Every time you do, you set yourself back and continue to stay stuck

He can tell you are hurting and struggling. That's why he couldn't bring himself to tell you another firm no and instead gave you some vague answer that you are reading too much into.

His actions are telling you everything you need to know. Do not reach out to him again. At the very least it will confirm his original concern about your inability to control your emotions and validate his reasons for ending it to begin with.

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Thank you. Yeah I’m not reaching out again. It’s in his hands now. Now I can only focus on letting go and moving forward. My birthday is in ten days and he was so upset I didn’t wish him happy birthday on his (I was doing no contact), but it’ll be little telling and give me clarity. I wish he could be direct, but to your point, he doesn’t owe me that anymore. 

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