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Battling internally


Dee_a
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So my ex and I split up almost a year ago after a 3 year long distance relationship. Although it ended due to not seeing eye to eye on certain things and the distance, it was still a very beautiful relationship and I would like to say I have never formed an emotional connection like that, despite us being quite different people on paper. 

Fast forward to this summer I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months and we’ve been on maybe 8 dates but haven’t been intimate and initially I was really into it cause we seem to be a good match, but in between our dates I don’t feel a very deep connection when we are apart and speaking on the phone. A part of me feels maybe its too early for me to judge but when I compare it to my ex where we clicked almost instantaneously, I can’t help but feel maybe that’s just who he is.

When I speak to him, I can’t help but feel like something is missing and I feel like I could be happier. I then recently reached out to my ex and we spoke for a few hours and immediately I got off the phone I was very very sad, because I was so happy to speak to him, it felt so normal and unforced. A part of me worries I may never love anyone like that again, but I  don’t know if I’m being overly dramatic and should keep things going with this guy I’m seeing . However considering we have been talking for 3 months and been on 8 dates without stuff progressing much, I don’t really know what to do 

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42 minutes ago, Dee_a said:

I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months and we’ve been on maybe 8 dates. I then recently reached out to my ex and we spoke for a few hours and immediately I got off the phone I was very very sad, because I was so happy to speak to him, it felt so normal and unforced.

Sorry to hear this. How often did you and your ex see each other in person?

It seems you are having difficulty transitioning  real life real in-person relationships.

Perhaps this is not the guy to date if after 3 mos. you feel lukewarm and have had only 8 dates.

 Get on some quality dating apps with a good profile and pics and start talking to and meeting local available men for a low-key in-person coffee.

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I don't feel you are over your ex, but doesn't help to keep contact this way either.  How can you truly work on accepting & healing if you keep this up?

As for this new guy, I think it's time to end that.. as you said, you're just not into him.

Then date no one.  Be on your own a good while more.  No one says you have to be involved.  You know if/when you are truly ready for that again.

It can take a year to feel okay again, it could take 2+ ... we're all different with our experiences & the impacts left.

So, let this new guy know that you can't do this, that you've got some stuff you still need to deal with ..on your own. And be done with it.

 

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Keep looking. There are plenty out there that can be the one...this new guy is OK but he's not "amazing!" That is perfectly normal. There has to be chemistry right? and this guy doesn't have it. Only 8 dates over 3 months? There's hardly anything there. Time to move on.

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If you feel lukewarm about the guy, there is nothing you can do. You either feel it or dont, after 3 months you should at least know that. You apparently dont, so there is that.

However I would also like to point out that you havent properly got over your ex. Worrying about not ever loving anyone like that again, hour long phone calls, that screams "still not letting it go". You should be at the point where you can say "Sc rew that guy, there is somebody out there way better for me". And yet you still clinge on him, comparing somebody new and how it was better with ex. Its stopping you to trully move on in dating. So I would suggest to work on that before you jump on something new.

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