Jump to content

Sinking Ship with Two Captains, Neither Willing to Jump nor Fix The Ship


Recommended Posts

I just don’t know what to do. I’ve been with my girlfriend for over two years now, but nothing feels great anymore. It started in April or May or so of this year when she told me one of my harmless interests made her uncomfortable, myself resorting to public forums in order to talk about the thing I was interested in. It wasn’t anything jarring, just a game I liked. She wasn’t willing to explain to me why it made her uncomfortable, but I respected her decision and simply didn’t discuss it around her.

I realized after finding more friends irl and online that I stopped talking to her as much every day, with myself dropping my position as the usual first good morning texter. We’ve been long distance since covid started, and it’s only gotten worse as I’ve moved to a different state for college. She doesn’t seem to care as much as I did, I don’t think. This might be jumping ahead in topic a little, but I don’t think she’s amused with me anymore. She used to think I was fun and interesting and pretty, but now rarely willingly goes into conversation with me that lasts for more than twenty minutes of active typing. We used to talk for hours before, but now it’s hard to get her to reply within a day’s time. I get it, school is difficult and makes it even harder to maintain friendships, but I wish she’d tell me she loved me without sounding like it was forced.

Now, it doesn’t seem like she cares very much about me unless i’m very obviously asking for an opinion on myself or my work. I send a photo and she calls me pretty and sends the standard heart emojis, but it doesn’t feel genuine. It just feels so forced. Patterned, like learned behavior to make me happy. Sometimes I feel like one of those brainless mobile games that she visits regularly to get the tiniest amount of stimulation before forgetting about it for another day. 

Recently she’s been talking to me more because of the new Deltarune game. I like that too, so I thought maybe we could bond over that. Except, she seems more interested in just dumping about one of the characters and how she feels about them rather than actually talking about it. It’s incredibly one sided, and when I reply my reply goes practically unnoticed. Maybe an off handed comment about how what I said was cool or funny, but it’s always back to the same thing. 

I don’t know how to talk to her anymore. It feels like I don’t know her. It feels like we’re just two strangers who occasionally pass by and leave letters in each other’s mailboxes, replying out of pity. Perhaps it’s because it’s long distance. However, I’ve e-dated before and this hasn’t happened. 

I don’t want to break things off, but I do. I’ve recently found myself thinking about my best friend more than her, to the point of where I dream about this said friend frequently. I’ve never even met this friend in real life, but I know i’m in love with them to some degree. I’ve known for some time now. They make me feel so safe and loved, more than my girlfriend ever has. 

I told my girlfriend about someone at my school making me uncomfortable, hoping to start a dialogue of her comforting me in some way due to me not feeling safe in my current situation. All she really did was tell me to stay away from him, as if I had a choice (classmates, partner project, my hell). She even blamed me for interacting with him willingly (willingly as in me going to class and not telling him to shut up when he started talking to me). When I told my best friend about this, they comforted me the way my girlfriend should have. I thought about it for days. I thought I was the selfish one, the one who demanded affection and attention frequently, but it was only because I wasn’t being given it. 

I want to let go so badly, but I’m afraid of what’ll happen. She knows so much about me- I don’t know what she’d do. I’ve done so many things for her but I can’t remember the last time she did something for me. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when talking to her, even if she’s never done anything. 

I’m really, really lost. Thanks for listening. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, candygirl said:

When I told my best friend about this, they comforted me the way my girlfriend should have. 

You need to stand up be kind and end it. It's not working out for either of you. Stop being a snake and cheating.

Add to that you have the hots for your other "best friend" who you are already emotionally attached to and emotionally cheating with.

Don't string anyone along like this. She may be even happier than you to finally end this lousy sham and be free.

Edited by Wiseman2
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you e-dated and never seen what the person who doesnt have any interest in you looks like, have you even e-dated at all? Empty messages, replying just because they have too, not carrying? All signs of lost interest. If after a while all we have out of the relationship is a longevity, that is never a good sign. Both you and her have lost interest and want out but stay "just because". And you even have thoughts about the other girl. So yes, have a conversation and go separate ways. It will be better for both of you.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree. It sounds exceedingly boring but you have already checked out with eyes on someone else so this appearing disinteresting or lacklustre is to be expected.

If anything be captain of your own life and start steering your own ship. And please don't let random people you've never met just walk onboard willy nilly. You have not met the other "best friend". What makes you think that she won't tire of you or you of her in just a few months? 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The thing that caught me was her complaining about your choice of conversation topic. I was with a guy for 6 years and he used to that. I was really into my pet rats ‘all you ever talk about is rats, it’s boring’, I got heaps into PA gear ‘all you ever talk about is PA gear it’s boring’. 
 

That was part of a death by a thousand cuts. You’re right, this is probably done. Staying now will do active harm to you. The longer you stay, the more this unsupportive relationship will try and extinguish the fire that is you and by the time you get out you’ll be nothing but embers and it will take yeeeears to stoke that fire back up. Ask me how I know. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to stand up be kind and end it. It's not working out for either of you. Stop being a snake and cheating.

Add to that you have the hots for your other "best friend" who you are already emotionally attached to and emotionally cheating with.

Don't string anyone along like this. She may be even happier than you to finally end this lousy sham and be free.

In no way am I cheating physically or intentionally. Realizing that someone is inherently being kinder to me and attaching myself to them a little more isn’t the most terrible thing in the world, especially when my girlfriend only ever talks about the attractiveness of actors and characters and how she wishes she were with them. It’s rough seeing her affection only going to things that aren’t real when I’m right here. I’m tired of being the one to lead things. I just want to be the passive partner for once. I used to fawn over her left and right unprompted- is it so much to want something like that in return?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

If you e-dated and never seen what the person who doesnt have any interest in you looks like, have you even e-dated at all? Empty messages, replying just because they have too, not carrying? All signs of lost interest. If after a while all we have out of the relationship is a longevity, that is never a good sign. Both you and her have lost interest and want out but stay "just because". And you even have thoughts about the other girl. So yes, have a conversation and go separate ways. It will be better for both of you.

Thank you for your words. I’m just scared, since she’s not exactly the most stable when it comes to change- like me, I guess. It’s why I was so devastated when I was still head over heels for her and felt like she was losing that feeling about me. I’ve never been the one to break things off, even if all of my past breakups have been fairly gentle and with no hard feelings at all. I’ve known this girl for four years, in real life and long distance both. It’s hard on everyone, I think. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

I agree. It sounds exceedingly boring but you have already checked out with eyes on someone else so this appearing disinteresting or lacklustre is to be expected.

If anything be captain of your own life and start steering your own ship. And please don't let random people you've never met just walk onboard willy nilly. You have not met the other "best friend". What makes you think that she won't tire of you or you of her in just a few months? 

 

That’s my worry with everyone, really- people tiring of me in general. I didn’t voluntarily go out and find someone else, nor have I acted on anything or been the recipient of anything. When I tell my girlfriend I miss her, the responses she gives feel empty. I get lovebombs infrequently but I look forward to them every time. I just don’t know if it’s worth it to look forward to anything anymore. 

Thank you for your words.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

18 minutes ago, candygirl said:

Realizing that someone is inherently being kinder to me and attaching myself to them a little more isn’t the most terrible thing in the world

Exactly. Which is why it's best to be honest with yourselves and part ways so you are both free to find more suitable compatible partners.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. Which is why it's best to be honest with yourselves and part ways so you are both free to find more suitable compatible partners.

Sorry to come to you again, but I just talked to her about the situation vaguely but didn’t say anything outright yet. Waiting for a mutual response, you know? Now she’s saying that she’ll always be there for me, as if days ago she wasn’t blaming me for my problems. She tells me she loves me, but it feels… reactive. How do I do this? I know it’s a multi-day project, but I’m terrified as to what she might do to me, or worse, herself if I move too fast. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You might want to write it all down before you end things.. Sounds like this has hit a wall. Dead end.

Then is time to get out of it.  For your own sake & hers..  has she ever dated before? If so, then I'm sure she's experienced a relationship ending.

it is never easy ending something like this, but necessary.  As for how she deals with it is not on you.  Hopefully she has some support out there ( family/friends).

But, fact is.. you are not 'happy' anymore.  Then it's done.

As for this 'other interest', I suggest you don't just jump into that but take it easy on getting over this BU first, just to make sure you are not rebounding. ( getting into something with new person but still affected by last one, etc).

Take your time there because you only know so much about this new one.  You have no idea IF things would work out there either, only that you have some feelings & this is normal when it's something new & feels a whole lot better than what you're in now.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

16 hours ago, candygirl said:

I told my girlfriend about someone at my school making me uncomfortable, hoping to start a dialogue of her comforting me in some way due to me not feeling safe in my current situation. All she really did was tell me to stay away from him, as if I had a choice (classmates, partner project, my hell). She even blamed me for interacting with him willingly (willingly as in me going to class and not telling him to shut up when he started talking to me). When I told my best friend about this, they comforted me the way my girlfriend should have. I thought about it for days. I thought I was the selfish one, the one who demanded affection and attention frequently, but it was only because I wasn’t being given it. 

So is it possible when you did this it was transparent and she felt manipulated? You were testing her to see her reaction.  Also is this a typical way you approach her - with the negative stuff you have going on, with an intensity like that or are you balanced with lighthearted fun stuff too?  I think in general the relationship has run its course but this stood out to me.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, candygirl said:

That’s my worry with everyone, really- people tiring of me in general. I didn’t voluntarily go out and find someone else, nor have I acted on anything or been the recipient of anything. When I tell my girlfriend I miss her, the responses she gives feel empty. I get lovebombs infrequently but I look forward to them every time. I just don’t know if it’s worth it to look forward to anything anymore. 

Thank you for your words.

You seem kind of needy/clingy -maybe because it's no longer a relationship where you actually see each other? Why do you tell her you miss her as much as you do? Do you do that to test her reaction? That kind of interaction can be really tiring.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

23 hours ago, candygirl said:

That’s my worry with everyone, really- people tiring of me in general. I didn’t voluntarily go out and find someone else, nor have I acted on anything or been the recipient of anything. When I tell my girlfriend I miss her, the responses she gives feel empty. I get lovebombs infrequently but I look forward to them every time. I just don’t know if it’s worth it to look forward to anything anymore. 

Thank you for your words.

It's usually difficult to maintain long distance or electronic relationships. Have you tried looking at this differently and see whether you can meet people in person? 

You've been trying to get this person to share their affection with you but it's not working. There's someone else, also via electronic means only (not having met that person) who gives you attention but you are afraid of people tiring of you. The quality of your friendships or relationships would be much better in person. I agree you seem needy but I think that may also be loneliness and not being around peers in your age. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This relationship has ran it's course. Your are spreading your wings, and widening your social circle so you are finding her not fitting into your life anymore. It's way too much work, and you get very little benefit from it. Time to move on, be happier, and with the way things are going your will meet the right person to be with.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

23 hours ago, candygirl said:

 I know it’s a multi-day project, but I’m terrified as to what she might do to me, or worse, herself if I move too fast. 

So she's unstable and suicidal? If so you need to get out of the picture and she needs to rely on trustworthy friends, family and people who care about her and her mental health.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...