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Boyfriend and I disagree over his tone


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My boyfriend often yells at his friends on the phone In the apartment and cusses.  He even cussed at my landlord.  I asked him to speak nicely to his very elderly friend.  When I hear him being verbally abusive to others I feel intimidated.  He says that It is the way they talk in his culture and that I am trying to control him by making this request.  He tells me that everyone this day and age speaks this way and that I should accept it.  Why do I feel so bad when he speaks so poorly to others?  It feels like he is being a bully.  It’s very unpleasant.  I’m afraid of how he will treat me.  

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How he treats others is exactly how he will treat you eventually. Since you already feel unsafe and unhappy with his behavior, time to end things and walk away.

This is why we date - to learn if this person is compatible with us or not. You are seeing that this guy is not compatible with you. 

Dating overall is a time for observation and not trying to fix, correct, or argue about who is right or wrong. When you observe a person you are dating display bad behavior, you have to ask yourself - is this something that I'm comfortable with. If the answer is no, then you simply dump them and look for someone else who is better suited, calmer, more respectful, etc. It doesn't matter what reasons someone gives you for their behavior, the only thing that matters is that how they are doesn't work for you. 

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don't accept his lame excuses for bad behavior. You know you don't like this. Move on. 

You can't change another person. All you can do is decide FOR YOURSELF  what you will and will not accept. 

Not accepting means telling them when they do this, it means you will not continue with the person. 

They may decide you're being unreasonable, not change and to let the relationship end. 

That's ok.

It's not a matter of who is right and who is wrong.  It's a matter of you don't agree and it's a deal breaker. 

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1 hour ago, Rainbow321 said:

  He even cussed at my landlord.  When I hear him being verbally abusive to others I feel intimidated.   It feels like he is being a bully. I’m afraid of how he will treat me.  

How long have you been dating? How old is he?  What planet is he from?👽

Do you live together? Whose place is it?  Get rid of this creep asap. He's an obnoxious abusive liar.

Delete and block him from all our social media and messaging apps asap. Who cares how he talks to his people. Get him out of Your life.

Apologize to your landlord before this idiot gets you evicted. Get a restraining order.

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you live together? Whose place is it?  Get rid of this creep asap.

Thanks for the advice.  It’s my apartment.  He lives one street over. He has taken over my place with severe hoarding as well.  But he has some nice qualities that I remember in him.  It is not easy for me to leave.  He wants to know why how he treats others is any of my business.  I don’t know how to tell him why apart from that his character matters to me. I don’t know why it effects me.  It just does.  

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Just now, Rainbow321 said:

It’s my apartment.  He lives one street over. He has taken over my place with severe hoarding as well.  

Get him his filthy mouth and filthy stuff out asap. You are headed for homelessness allowing this moron to abuse your landlord and store garbage on your landlords property.

What are you thinking?

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1 minute ago, Rainbow321 said:

Thanks for the advice.  It’s my apartment.  He lives one street over. He has taken over my place with severe hoarding as well.  But he has some nice qualities that I remember in him.  It is not easy for me to leave.  He wants to know why how he treats others is any of my business.  I don’t know how to tell him why apart from that his character matters to me. I don’t know why it effects me.  It just does.  

.....Even serial killers have some nice qualities..... Point being that some nice qualities are not enough.

Also, it sounds like you need to learn how to keep better boundaries with people. He is bullying you and you are yielding to him and so it works for him. Please stop with the arguments. He is just being manipulative with you by asking you these types of questions. The fact that you are not happy with his behavior is reason enough to show him out the door. Just because he asks why doesn't mean you have to answer or answer to his satisfaction. It's not your job to tell him anything or to teach him how to be a decent human being.

The only thing you need to tell him is to get his garbage out of your apartment by x date. Put it in writing. Mean it. Don't engage in the "why" arguments because the only answer is "it's my place and I said so." Stop letting this bully creep into and run your life.

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4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Get him his filthy mouth and filthy stuff out asap. You are headed for homelessness allowing this moron to abuse your landlord and store garbage on your landlords property.

What are you thinking?

Your words are realistic.  It’s true and I need to do it but it’s so hard as well.  Thank you.  

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1 hour ago, Rainbow321 said:

 He even cussed at my landlord.  I asked him to speak nicely to his very elderly friend.  When I hear him being verbally abusive to others I feel intimidated.  He says that It is the way they talk in his culture and that I am trying to control him by making this request.  He tells me that everyone this day and age speaks this way and that I should accept it.

Ahh no.  Hardly anyone I know ever treats other's this way!

He's got some major attitude and no respect.

So, you get it right?  He's abusive and it will start on you eventually.

He is already accusing you of trying to control him.

You NEED to see all of this.. and now!  He's rude and he's manipulating, is how he is and will NOT be one to reason with.

You need to be stronger than this now and say enough!  Or you will regret a lot if this continues.  He's bad news.

Find someone out there who is respectful & decent.

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3 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Ahh no.  Hardly anyone I know ever treats other's this way!

He's got some major attitude and no respect.

So, you get it right?  He's abusive and it will start on you eventually.

He is already accusing you of trying to control him.

You NEED to see all of this.. and now!  He's rude and he's manipulating, is how he is and will NOT be one to reason with.

You need to be stronger than this now and say enough!  Or you will regret a lot if this continues.  He's bad news.

Find someone out there who is respectful & decent.

Thanks.  It helps me to hear an opinion on this.  He calls himself a sensitive man yet he wants the freedom to be mean to others.  I know it is a big red flag.  

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4 minutes ago, Rainbow321 said:

It helps me to hear an opinion on this.  He calls himself a sensitive man yet he wants the freedom to be mean to others.  I know it is a big red flag.  

Yup, it is.  I'm sure you realize this... with you saying something, means YOU are aware & concerned.  He lashes back with excuses for his behaviour.

 

 

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40 minutes ago, Rainbow321 said:

Thanks.  It helps me to hear an opinion on this.  He calls himself a sensitive man yet he wants the freedom to be mean to others.  I know it is a big red flag.  

So he's an abusive hypocrite. People who do this don't feel great about themselves or have underlying issues about how they feel about themselves. You can't fix that. 

 

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5 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

So he's an abusive hypocrite. People who do this don't feel great about themselves or have underlying issues about how they feel about themselves. You can't fix that. 

 

Thanks for the insight. 

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People who have OCD/hording are very manipulative and hypocritical. They will never listen to you, and have an argument for everything and anything, making it all your fault. He's making you emotionally ill, and that takes a toll on your mental health. Run for the hills.

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On 10/15/2021 at 11:50 AM, Rainbow321 said:

It is not easy for me to leave.

You don't have to leave. He does. Does he pay your rent or storage?

Why is he in your place? Are you addicted to drugs that he gets you? 

What do you mean leave? Leave what? He's in your place. 

Change the locks after all his belongings are out.  Since he does not live there he has no right to be there.

Sorry to say, but if I were your landlord I would evict you immediately for having someone there constantly whose not on the lease, hoarding, filth and trashing the place  and having your guest curse at me. I would also charge you for destroying the property and all the repairs and clean up.

 Watch out for the sheriff at the door. You are breaking a lot of laws and perpetuating a lot of lease violations.

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9 hours ago, Rainbow321 said:

I am trying to control him by making this request.

Instead of trying to control him, why not take control of you OWN choices?

Is this the kind of BF you want?

Don't buy into the 'everybody sounds like this...' BS, because you know it's not true.

Decide whether this is the 'culture' you want YOUR life to become, and if not, then 'next' him, and find someone who aligns with the way YOU believe that people should be treated.

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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You don't have to leave. He does. Does he pay your rent or storage?

Why is he in your place? Are you addicted to drugs that he gets you? Is this a crack house?

What do you mean leave? Leave what? He's in your place. 

Change the locks after all his belongings are out.  Since he does not live there he has no right to be there.

Sorry to say, but if I were your landlord I would evict you immediately for having someone there constantly whose not on the lease, hoarding, filth and trashing the place  and having your guest curse at me. I would also charge you for destroying the property and all the repairs and clean up.

 Watch out for the sheriff at the door. You are breaking a lot of laws and perpetuating a lot of lease violations.

You don’t know the specifics of my situation.  He is storing things here but it is up to code.  I am allowed to have people visit me - even frequently.  He has his own place.  I am not breaking laws.  I did not post here to be judged harshly but to get some advice to help me make a decision which is hard as I have had a long relationship with him over the years.  He has not always had his belongings here.  Please don’t jump to conclusions.  I would not do any kind of drugs and have no addictions.  

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You really need to develop a backbone and send this loud mouth jerk packing.  Kick his sorry butt to the curb along with his junk.

You know full well his yelling and cussing is not how people talk to other people.  Only jerks do that.

Get rid of him before your landlord gets rid of you.

 

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