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difference in wanting children


MayIask
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only been talking for a month. somehow the subject of kids came up. if it matters, shes 22, im 32. she wants kids, i do not.

we never know our future, anything can happen. but i cannot promise her i will want kids some day. so she knows she has to make a decision. ive tried to talk to her about it, but i dont think she likes that i bring it up. she asks why do i remind her.

i feel like i need her to decide before she develops any feelings. but i cant force her, or make the decision for her. im not expecting, or asking her to give up having children to be with me. were only a month in, we barely know each other.

i dont want to invest in someone who might leave me in the future because i dont want kids.

what do i do? do i continue on and give her how long to decide? should i just walk away without a second thought? its only been a month, and i know its normal, but she seems genuinely great. i dont want to stop seeing her. but i dont want either of us to get hurt

sorry this may be obvious, but this is new for me. we may have no option at a future. but i feel better asking for advice just to be sure

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You cant expect a young woman of 22 to decide totally that she does or does not want children, she is just too young.

With such a vast difference in life goals, this is not going to work.  I think you should move on and find a woman who is older than this young woman and who is of the same mind set as you regarding children.

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Her brain won't be fully mature in the decision-making area for another 3 years. That's clear because instead of her realizing she should have ended things with you the second she learned of what should be a dealbreaker, she clings onto immediate gratification and blocks the future from her mind.

Do her a favor and be the one to end things yourself. Also be cognizant that on average the bigger the age gap, the larger risk of relationship failure.

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34 minutes ago, MayIask said:

only been talking for a month. shes 22, im 32. she wants kids, i do not.

Ok. Cut both your losses. It's 30 days of talking. She obviously brought that up early to rule people like you out who are just going to string her along or jerk her around.

 

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Total deal breaker.  I was 100% sure I wanted to be a mother by at least age 18 if not sooner.  Never wavered.  One of my friend's daughters just had her third child at age 25 -her first at 19 -always knew too.  I think very young teenagers can know especially if they have experience caring for babies and children as I did.  Please don't waste her time.  You are entirely entitled not to want a child and I'm glad you were honest.  Please find someone else who also doesn't want to be a parent.

Typically on the kids issue it's not true at all that "anything can happen" unless you mean an accidental pregnancy where she most likely would not want to abort.

Edited by Batya33
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It would be playing with fire to leave it to the people you are dating to decide this for you. Why so passive? You have to advocate for yourself because no one is going to do it for you. And there are many, many people out there who are just flopping around like a flag in the wind. If you aren't willing to cut out those who want something different than you on something so fundamental, you risk getting caught up in someone else's mistakes. Can you imagine becoming a dad because of an oopsie? 

 

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She wants kids, you do not. Why are you leaving this up to her?

I'll tell you what will happen if you "leave it up to her". You will end up fathering a child, like it or not.

You are a man and as soon as pregnancy happens, you have no control. You can't give up your parental rights, you can't force her to abort, etc. It is in your better interests to take your own birth control in your hands. If you leave it to someone else, YOU WILL HAVE A CHILD.

My advice is to leave her. Stop giving her time to conoct some semblance of a reason for you two to continue this. She can always lie and say that she "sees the light" and doesn't want kids, and then she "forgets" her pill and you're screwed.

Get a vasectomy so this doesn't have to be as much of a worry for you in the future. It will also repell women that want kids once they hear you're snipped and trust me, you want to do that. 

I'm in my early 30s and am surgically sterile so I'm walking the talk. 

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You don't have a realistic future with her so it's time to go your separate ways permanently.  Do both of yourselves a favor and stop wasting everyone's time and energy for a relationship that will go nowhere except downhill. 

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The whole point of 'talking' is to learn whether someone is a good match--or not--PRIOR TO investing in them.

Envisioning a future with or without children is a typical dealbreaker with most people, so the question becomes, WHY PURSUE someone who isn't a good match for you?

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7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I presume, since you absolutely do not want children, that you have had a vasectomy, correct?

Why in the world would you assume that? I'm not having kids again and I didn't get a vasectomy, wouldn't even consider it.

It's also irrelevant to the issue

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12 hours ago, MayIask said:

i dont want to invest in someone who might leave me in the future

I think this says it all. 

I don't think you're being realistic about this. What problem can you possibly be solving when you force a commitment 30 days into a new relationship?

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2 hours ago, gamon said:

Why in the world would you assume that? I'm not having kids again and I didn't get a vasectomy, wouldn't even consider it.

It's also irrelevant to the issue

It's not irrelevant at all. If OP definitely does not want kids at all, then it is in his better interests to get a vasectomy so that no "oops" pregnancies can happen, especially with girlfriends that may have other motives. 

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13 hours ago, gamon said:

Why in the world would you assume that? I'm not having kids again and I didn't get a vasectomy, wouldn't even consider it.

It's also irrelevant to the issue

It's completely relevant. 

OP does not want children.  Relying solely on the woman to ensure he doesn't become a father is irresponsible.  All methods of birth control with the exception of sterilization and abstinence are not 100% effective.  I got pregnant the first time from "pull out".  And I have friends who got pregnant despite being on the pill AND the guy pulled out.

And there are plenty of women who "forgot" to take their pill or lied about being on birth control because they wanted the man, and they "figured" once he found out or saw the baby he'd be delighted.  And we all have stories of how THAT worked out.

Vasectomies are safe and (according to two men I know who had them), are not particularly painful.  And are a LOT less expensive than providing financially for a child for 18 years.

Anyway...OP, I think you know you will have to stop seeing this young woman. No worries, there are lots of attractive single women out there who don't want children.

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14 hours ago, Fudgie said:

It's not irrelevant at all. If OP definitely does not want kids at all, then it is in his better interests to get a vasectomy so that no "oops" pregnancies can happen, especially with girlfriends that may have other motives. 

The Op is here asking for advice as to whether or not to continue the relationship, he's not looking to have a discussion about the birds and the bees. Whether he, or I, or any other of the zillions of guys out there who are not interested in having children get vasectomies is not the business of a random internet stranger, unless a thread is written to the effect of "I don't want more kids should I have a vasectomy"?

 

 

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2 hours ago, gamon said:

The Op is here asking for advice as to whether or not to continue the relationship, he's not looking to have a discussion about the birds and the bees. Whether he, or I, or any other of the zillions of guys out there who are not interested in having children get vasectomies is not the business of a random internet stranger, unless a thread is written to the effect of "I don't want more kids should I have a vasectomy"?

With all due respect, when you air your problems on an anon internet forum, looking for advice, people are going to give you advice on multiple aspects of your situation, including the potential for it to happen again in the future. OP is free to ignore what I or what anyone wrote if he disagrees but that's up to him. 

He's a guy in his 30s who doesn't want to have kids. The obvious answer is to break up and that's always my answer in these situations because it's a topic you can't compromise on. So what's going to happen when he dates the next girl? Okay, same thing. How can he avoid the same situation in the future? Get snipped and tell the women from the start.

Frankly, he and other men in his position are playing with fire if they don't want to be fathers and are going to rely on the woman for birth control only. 

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Alright, folks.  Vasectomies are among the less invasive surgical procedures out there, but no, a 32 year old shouldn't have to put his money where his mouth is by going for one when you can get a bulk order of good condoms off Amazon for $0.30 a pop.  Early 30s is hardly "oof you're where you're gonna be."  And nobody should treat even the most minor of surgeries as something you just casually snip and maybe reverse.  People who change their minds leading into their mid-30s are a dime-a-dozen, particularly in an era the average age of people are starting families has gone absolutely parabolic.  I'm not seeing anywhere the OP suggesting the woman should so much as even go on the pill, so I think it's bad faith to assume he's putting the responsibility of birth control on her.  

That out of the way, one of my biggest concerns with age-gap relationships with one party happens to be so young is the older individual abdicating on the responsibility that comes with relative life experience.  You're at a point where, even if not 100% certain you ever want kids, you should at the very least be able to identify such ginormous clashes in present life goals and values.  She wants kids; you don't.  It may well change between either or both of you, but that's not how you treat a discrepancy in such rudimentary life goals.  We're not talking whether she'd ever come around on going to a Moby concert with you.  There are plenty of fish in the sea.  You don't need to be, as a wise man once said, "jerking her around."  If there's any objective criticism to be had, I'd lay it there.  

Edited by j.man
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I wish OP would come back and clarify because when I read "32" and "I don't want kids", I take that to mean "I don't want them ever" as people around that age will usually stipulate "well I want them someday". I could be wrong but that's how I took it. 

Maybe OP will change his mind, maybe not. That said, if he is serious about staying this way, then I do think it's prudent because as a man, he cannot control what a woman does with a pregnancy. It's foolish, IMO, to leave that door open if you yourself are certain that you're not going to use it. Way too many "oops" out there. 

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If you both are on opposite spectrums of something fundamental to the future compatibility of a relationship it’s important to go separate ways. You aren’t going to convince her to never want children, just as she can’t convince you to have them. 
 

There’s plenty of singles that don’t want children for you to choose from.  
 

This is going to end in regards to this whether it’s now or a few years down the line. Or Like Fudgie says you may be manipulated into an “accidental” pregnancy. 

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12 hours ago, j.man said:

Alright, folks.  Vasectomies are among the less invasive surgical procedures out there, but no, a 32 year old shouldn't have to put his money where his mouth is by going for one when you can get a bulk order of good condoms off Amazon for $0.30 a pop.  Early 30s is hardly "oof you're where you're gonna be."  And nobody should treat even the most minor of surgeries as something you just casually snip and maybe reverse.  People who change their minds leading into their mid-30s are a dime-a-dozen, particularly in an era the average age of people are starting families has gone absolutely parabolic.  I'm not seeing anywhere the OP suggesting the woman should so much as even go on the pill, so I think it's bad faith to assume he's putting the responsibility of birth control on her.  

I agree with this and people are allowed to change their minds later in life -I've seen that in various circumstances involving accidental pregnancies, death of a parent, other life changing crises or I suppose just because -who I am to judge? Or he may want to be a sperm donor in the future for a family member etc.  There are birth control options and many others- like dating a woman who doesn't want kids, dating without having intercourse which many people do and they are just as passionate and sexual (including so many who wait for marriage even if they've had sex in the past), or dating a woman who agrees to abort or put a baby up for adoption (if that fits the "don't want kids" thing) should there be an oops.  

I never had an oops.  I did date someone once (for 5 months, we were sexually active for 3 months) who said if I got accidentally pregnant he'd want me to abort.  I stupidly agreed.  So yes it can happen that someone agrees and really isn't.  I didn't get pregnant.  I did use birth control.  I regret agreeing.  I lied to myself and realized  I could not have aborted.  But it's not a reason for a man who doesn't want kids to have a vasectomy at age 32 especially.

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