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Should I tell my friend I have feelings for him despite his current partner?


WahooLetsaGo
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For the past couple of years, I (20 f) have been under the impression that I was entirely aromantic, so, when a good opportunity for a threesome with my two attractive best friends arose, I didn’t think things would get too complicated. We’ll call these two people T (20 m) and E (21 f), they’ve been dating for a little over a year now, and the three of us have been living together for a little under a year.

It actually had gone surprisingly smoothly at first, I spiced up their sex-life a bit and I got something to curb my touch-starvation. I wasn’t in a romantic relationship with them, but I was in a sexual and physically affectionate one. Or two. However, a couple months into this T very drunkenly told me he loved me and sometimes wished E wasn’t there when I was with him. I felt apathetic to the love confession at the time, but got pretty distressed about how he spoke about E. She’s really sweet and I don’t like the idea of him taking her for granted. I left the room after that conversation and we didn’t speak on it again.

Around the time this happened, E started getting a bit more aloof around me. Less cuddly, cutting off opportunities to interact with the both of them, but never once communicating to me about anything that could be bothering her. I told them both from the beginning and emphasized many times if I’m doing something that bothers them, to tell me, and I’ll stop right away. I started realizing E wasn’t interested in me at all, like, not really sexually either. I was a good way to spice up her sex life, but she didn’t really desire sex with me, so since then, I haven’t really done anything with her (wish she just told me before I bought the worlds most expensive strap). So me and T have mostly been spending our time together solo when she’s not here (she knows of course), but when she’s home she’ll usually take him to their room and I won’t see much of either the rest of the day. 
Over the course of the past 4 weeks or so, I realized I don’t think that I’m entirely aromantic, and I definitely have feelings for T. I consider myself polyamorous, so I wouldn’t mind being in an actual relationship with E, or just T being in two separate relationships with E and myself, but E would not be happy with that. She’s okay with consensual non-monogamy, but not full on polyamory. I’m starting to feel really upset when T comes home and cuddles me some, but I get left alone when E comes home, but I, in a real pathetic way, want to cling to any bit of affection I can get before I’m gonna be left alone.

TLDR: I got myself into my friends’ (whom I live with) relationship thinking it was impossible for me to catch feelings, but I did anyway. T, the guy I like, does like me back, but E, his girlfriend, would not be comfortable with T and I being in a romantic relationship. 

I have two conflicting desires

1. to have at least a more equal romantic relationship with T

2. to not leave anyone upset, especially E in this situation

I have a couple of options I can think of, since nothing will actually satisfy both

• I tell T I have feelings for him and because of that we should probably stop or chill out or something. I do not want to stop this though. 
• I say nothing and keep doing what I’ve been doing, even though I’m feeling pretty heartbroken every time I’m left alone.

There’re probably other options but I can’t think of anything. Any advice would be appreciated!
(apologies if this is a bit longer than most posts on this site. I have ADHD and find it difficult trimming down on detail)

 

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16 minutes ago, WahooLetsaGo said:

 they’ve been dating for a little over a year now, and the three of us have been living together for a little under a year.

When is your lease up? Make arrangements to move out into your own place or with neutral roommates.

Your job is to find your own BF, not  "enhance" their relationship by getting into a damaging and messy situation.

There was a horror movie called "Single White Female" about a roommate who latches on to her roommate's BF.

Watch it and most of all give notice, move out and find your own BF.

 

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8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

When is your lease up?

I have nearly a full year until the lease is up. Unfortunately I currently have nowhere else to go and I definitely can afford living on my own, and I don’t think they can afford me leaving, but I could try figuring something out in the meantime.

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11 minutes ago, WahooLetsaGo said:

 I could try figuring something out in the meantime.

Yes. Stay out of their bed and get your own BF.

Stop hanging out with them. Hang out with your friends, family and get involved in work, school, a side hustle, clubs, groups, sports, volunteering etc.

Be out of the house (and their relationship) as much as possible.

Don't be a hanger on. Live your own life.

They're idiots if they can't afford a place by themselves. Instead of wasting time on threesomes, they both should get second jobs.

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I highly suggest you leave both alone now.  

I feel E is possibly a little messed up with all that's happened and is now kinda standoff-ish.

And NO, you do not approach T at all anymore.  Is called Respect!  You now distance yourself, totally.  And let them try to get back what they had before all of this.

I can understand some 'curiosity' in all of this, but in the end, was not what at least E thought it would be like.

Yeah, so to NOT make things worse, you back off the both of them now.

Even if they split up, you keep your distance from him.  IF she is a true friend to you, you will not cross that line again.

You get out there & find someone of your own.

 

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You need to find separate accommodations, OP. 

This arrangement isn't working anymore. Don't confess your feelings to this guy. Take the high road and bow out of their relationship gracefully and respectfully. 

You will be happier once you are not under their roof anymore and playing 3rd wheel in their relationship. 

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You should rethink your feelings carefully. Whatever you may be feeling may be founded more on jealousy and also feeling left out and not accepted by E (isolated from the threesome or rejected).

T is disloyal, disrespectful and loose-tongued speaking about his partner the way he does. Are you telling me that you genuinely have feelings for a two-faced and unscrupulous man like that? 

Try finding your own accommodation but plan it and don't put yourself out in a worse situation. Have whatever and however many partners you want but make sure that you remain self-sufficient and your home is your home and a place you never have to worry about regardless of who comes and goes in your life. 

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I would also like to point out that E probably doesnt really likes you because she senses(or even knows if they talked about it) that T does like you. Or even senses that you like him. And that you maybe like him because of the lack of the better options at the moment. Meaning that situation in the world is like it is, you are spending a lot of time with somebody who gives you affection, and that you developed feelings from that. So if you dont want to move, maybe it would be a good idea to focus your attention elsewhere(meaning actively finding your own partner) and do forget about it. Because this situation wont go in your favor if it develops further and you live for at least one more year with those people.

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Should I tell my friend I have feelings for him despite his current partner?

I would not, regardless of living situation or anything else.

Even if you'd 'win,' you'd lose, because anybody who would turn disloyal on their current partner based on interest from another isn't someone worth pursuing.

Really, you'd enjoy your victory for about 5 minutes before it occurs to you that instead of being disloyal WITH you, the guy will sooner or later be disloyal TO YOU.

Skip that, find your own BF, or, if the guy ever breaks up with partner of his own accord--without any influence from you--then you'll have a whole different deal to consider.

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