Is it worth telling this guy how I feel?

[Horses634]

So I am in need of advice as I have felt very low about this boy that I briefly dated. We met on tinder and after a few weeks of talking online we met up and slept together. At this point when I met him I wasn't looking for anything specific including a relationship and was very open to casual fun but I have practically fell in love on first sight. I was not expecting for a guy that I met on my tinder to be exactly my type in every way possible  and the way he made me feel when I was him was not something I have felt in a very long time.

After we met to my surprise he continued to text me everyday all day. I guess because I have met a lot of guys from tinder I just kind of expect for them to forget about me after we hook up. This made whatever feelings I had for him already, grow stronger, especially because we were talking all the time. He also came to see me again, and it was just as good and we spent most of the time just chilling together, cuddling and watching tv. 
I then moved to university which is two hours away from where I live usually. This guy said he would come and see me despite the distance but when the time did come for him see me he only realized then how far I actually was. He almost did not come as he was worried he would not be able to afford it as fuel in the UK is very expensive and as well he does not have very much money. He then did end up coming when I told him I would not be at home for a little while because I needed to settle into uni. He stayed for 24 hours with me and it was really nice spending time with him, and I thought it went okay.
Anyway he did text me when got home and we continued to text from there but then he left me on read which was very unlike him as he would always try to continue the conversation before. I did not think much of it as we have been constantly texting for a month anyway, so I texted him a few days later and we had a little conversation but he then me on read again. 

This has left me very hurt and as dramatic as this sounds I just have not been to function properly for the past week. I know this happens often when you meet a guy from tinder and usually I don't care that much, but this time I have caught actual feelings and I don't know what to do about it. Even if this was entirely casual to him it did not feel that like as he talked to me in a way that sounded like he preferred relationships, unlike most of the guys I talked to from tinder. He would talk to me about his problems and was just very open/vulnerable to me. 

So basically I am thinking about messaging him one more time in a few weeks as it seems that he is not very keen on talking to me right now. I want to basically tell him I like him as something more than casual to see if he could possibly ever see me in that way. I just want to know if this is a completely bad idea as he has basically ghosted me. I feel that maybe because of the distance and because we were only in the early stages of dating that this may have played a part into him not messaging me in this past week, so i just also to make sure it is not because of that. 

And finally I also would like an opinion as to whether you think he knows that I like him as more than something casual or not given the nature of how we met and the fact we slept together on our first date. I just want to know if telling a guy that you hooked up with that you actually like him might make him reconsider things with you or if you have any of these kind of experiences. 

I am sorry for this long passage but I guess I am just tired of things not working out with guys I see and I know I am not going to meet a guy that I like like this in a long time. 

 

 

[lostandhurt]

The distance is your first problem, the second is you said you just wanted casual so he took you at your word.

  Since I assume you will be away at uni for at least 2-3 years forming a long distance relationship after hooking up a couple of times is not in the cards.

But if you sent him a message and told him that you really like him and would love to see him the next time you are back home if he is up for that.  This way you don't come off to heavy and neither of you has made any sort of commitment.  After all he is on Tinder and I am sure you will be too at Uni so you both will meet new people and who knows what will happen.

  Does he know how you feel?  Hard to say since we weren't there when you two were together.  Young guys can be pretty dense on those kinds of signs so I would guess probably not.

  You do need to put some closure on this so you can focus on your studies so wait a few weeks and send him a text saying you will be back home for ___________ and would like to hang out again if he is up for it.

  Lost

[Andrina]

Since you say he doesn't have much money, he splurged this one time for a trip, but probably realizes doing this regularly isn't doable so he doesn't want to waste any more time.

You two did something that's also not the norm in local dating at such an early stage, which is spending 24 hours together. That's one of the cons of LDRs. You're sort of forced to spend too much time together too soon. Though you enjoyed, he might've thought it was too much in the end.

Since you can now see that sometimes a short time guy might end up being who you want as a longterm guy, maybe you should hold off on being intimate until you've known a guy a little longer. It's a better way to see if you really want to continue spending time with a guy versus the biological bonding with a guy that can happen because of hormones released in a woman when she's intimate with a guy.

I wouldn't tie myself to a long distance guy when you will be surrounded by numerous local single guys your age. Good luck.

[Lambert]

I don't think there is anything wrong with putting cards on the table.... Ask him how he's been & say that you hope to keep in touch and maybe you can get together the next time you are home.

It's difficult because LDR is not good.  You don't want to go down that route... especially since, money is an issue to traveling to see each other.  It's just too hard to sustain and you get all wrapped up in a mess.  That is really much harder than your life should be while in UNI.  You should date the guys at your school and have fun!

Let the situation with this guy stew... You may find someone just as cool locally.  Which is always preferrable.    

[Rose Mosse]

Did you ever offer to go out and see him or was the effort/time/money mostly expected out of him to visit you? You did mention that you would not be able to travel for some time. Frankly, it sounds more like he lost interest and may also have been feeling put out and uncomfortable with himself for not being able to afford the gas to see you on a regular basis. 

He is without a doubt chatting and talking with other women on the app as well, meeting matches that are much closer to him and more convenient/cheaper. 

Vulnerability.. while it might have been novel and exciting at first it might have eventually worn thin. The easier thing for some to do is to retreat back and simply go back to superficial relationships. I don't think you should take this to heart. 

I don't think that telling him how you feel is going to change the situation. It is just arm twisting a person or making them feel guilty for not responding to you. It's manipulative in a way and chances are it won't be received well. If he's not responding to you now or distancing himself, take the cue. Focus on the excitement of your new classes and campus life.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Horses634 said:

I know I am not going to meet a guy that I like like this in a long time. 

If you are going to use a hookup app like tinder for fun and casual, then all you can expect is fun and casual.

You both did not go into this for a long term long distance relationship.

Your current issues may be more about adjusting to uni and being homesick.

Get more involved in campus life. Enjoy your classes and get involved in groups, clubs, sports, etc.

Make friends on campus. Get off tinder for hookups. It's not for you if you actually want a relationship.

He was just somewhat decent compared to jerks who have sex and disappear.

You don't have to fall madly in love with or become overly attached to the first guy who cuddles on the sofa and gives you some morsel of respect.

[Horses634]

 

 

12 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Did you ever offer to go out and see him or was the effort/time/money mostly expected out of him to visit you? You did mention that you would not be able to travel for some time. Frankly, it sounds more like he lost interest and may also have been feeling put out and uncomfortable with himself for not being able to afford the gas to see you on a regular basis. 

He is without a doubt chatting and talking with other women on the app as well, meeting matches that are much closer to him and more convenient/cheaper. 

Vulnerability.. while it might have been novel and exciting at first it might have eventually worn thin. The easier thing for some to do is to retreat back and simply go back to superficial relationships. I don't think you should take this to heart. 

I don't think that telling him how you feel is going to change the situation. It is just arm twisting a person or making them feel guilty for not responding to you. It's manipulative in a way and chances are it won't be received well. If he's not responding to you now or distancing himself, take the cue. Focus on the excitement of your new classes and campus life.

Hey thanks for giving me a reply. I did not mention how I am only in university for another year and I am not sure if I'm going to continue after this semester due to my mental health (I have already completed my undergrad and i'm doing my masters now so I'm not desperate to finish this degree by next year). I will also be visiting home quite often in the next few months so that is why feel particularly upset about this situation as this does not actually have to be long distance. However I made it out at like I would not be able to come home often at the time I was talking to him because I was only settling back into university life. We did talk about me visiting him but that is also not very practical as he said I could come but he lives with his family and his room is very small so we decided it is more convenient that he visits me. 

I agree that he probably felt uncomfortable that he could not afford to come to see me and I also know he is chatting to other girls that live more close to him as well. Do you still think this is a bad idea to contact him? I at least want to know how he feels about the distance so that I can tell him that I'm not going to actually be spending a lot of time at university. I don't want to be manipulative when it comes to telling him how I feel but I just to communicate to him that I do like him and it is okay if you don't feel the same way and that I would like to see him again. Do you still think this is a bad idea?

[Rose Mosse]

3 minutes ago, Horses634 said:

 

 

Hey thanks for giving me a reply. I did not mention how I am only in university for another year and I am not sure if I'm going to continue after this semester due to my mental health (I have already completed my undergrad and i'm doing my masters now so I'm not desperate to finish this degree by next year). I will also be visiting home quite often in the next few months so that is why feel particularly upset about this situation as this does not actually have to be long distance. However I made it out at like I would not be able to come home often at the time I was talking to him because I was only settling back into university life. We did talk about me visiting him but that is also not very practical as he said I could come but he lives with his family and his room is very small so we decided it is more convenient that he visits me. 

I agree that he probably felt uncomfortable that he could not afford to come to see me and I also know he is chatting to other girls that live more close to him as well. Do you still think this is a bad idea to contact him? I at least want to know how he feels about the distance so that I can tell him that I'm not going to actually be spending a lot of time at university. I don't want to be manipulative when it comes to telling him how I feel but I just to communicate to him that I do like him and it is okay if you don't feel the same way and that I would like to see him again. Do you still think this is a bad idea?

I think it's not addressing that he's started to lose interest. You're in denial or not accepting that. Telling him how you feel is making it harder for you.

Someone with interest in you would communicate with you at the very least about the situation and tell you that this is not what he wants or needs. Or, that he can't support this situation. He cannot even voice this outloud or be clear that he can't afford to see you or doesn't feel he can continue to see you. This man is only looking out for himself and just looking for the next convenient body. 

I would backtrack on the things that you told him or he told you and rethink what it all meant. If you are struggling with mental health please address this also and deal with it appropriately and stay committed to the program or have a plan to finish it. Don't waste the work that you've done so far. I think you are sabotaging these opportunities and getting too involved with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you.

[smackie9]

Ya he's lost interest. The writing is on the wall you need to move on. gosh you are at uni, is there not any guys there to date?

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Horses634 said:

I also know he is chatting to other girls that live more close to him as well.

You need to do the same.

[Andrina]

If you might leave school due to mental health issues, you're really not in a good place to date at the moment. You should really also being thinking about the traits in a guy you want to date in the future. You're already in a graduate program. He still lives with family and isn't financially sound. Being young, you might have a "love conquers all" mentality, but as you get more life experience, you will know that isn't true. You should be looking at how well a partner can contribute to a household--good work ethic.

After one or two dates, if a person fades away without further word, it's ethically okay. But IMO, he spent an entire weekend with you. Even if you two aren't exclusive, he should have had the decency to explain why he would no longer be in contact.  I know I would've done so in the same situation. I don't know why you would want further contact with someone who treated you like this.

You have the rest of your life to find a partner. Now is the time to set up your career by finishing your education. I'd make that your goal without dealing with the stress new relationships often bring. If you are convincing yourself you'll leave school for your mental health, but in the back of your mind it's really that you want to move back by him, thinking it will be fairytale romance, you are making a huge mistake.

[catfeeder]

On 10/14/2021 at 8:51 PM, Andrina said:

Since you say he doesn't have much money, he splurged this one time for a trip, but probably realizes doing this regularly isn't doable ...

This is exactly what I think. It makes no sense to build an investment in a person you can't afford to see.

You may want to hit him up before you head home for a visit to see if he's available, but I would NOT raise the heavy talk about feelings at this time.

Who knows? Your occasional visits could evolve into something organically, but if not, you'll have stopped yourself from investing too heavily in this guy, and focus instead on meeting people who you can date more locally.