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Too much of an age difference?


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So I'll just keep things brief and get to the point: I've recently met this girl that I really like, but I just learned that she's only 19 years old. That honestly seems problematic to me, a 25 year old who's 26th birthday is less than a month away. I'm not so much concerned about the actual age gap as I am the differing ages themselves. I believe that a 7 year age gap isn't too much of a problem depending on the actual ages, (34 and 27 years old, for example, doesn't seem bad to me) but 26 and 19 does understandably come off as a bit eyebrow-raising, in my opinion. What do you think?

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I presume this is not "Susie" the coworker, correct?

Is this another coworker?

The difference in life experience could be quite large, but of course it depends on the individuals. My brother in law is married to a woman who is 10 years younger. They met when she was still a teenager.

How did you meet this girl? How well do you know her?

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

I presume this is not "Susie" the coworker, correct?

Is this another coworker?

The difference in life experience could be quite large, but of course it depends on the individuals. My brother in law is married to a woman who is 10 years younger. They met when she was still a teenager.

How did you meet this girl? How well do you know her?

We're in a college class together. I like to think that we know each other fairly decently. We talk every day that we have this class together and at the very least, I think we're good friends.

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I dated a 26-year old when I was 19. It definitely raised a few eyebrows in his family. We had a summer of fun, and then I went back to college. I visited him for Thanksgiving and ended up breaking up with him. I didn't know I was going to do that. I just stopped liking him--I was very fickle at that age. Immature, really. And frankly, he wasn't all that bright, which is a major reason why that whole situation had to end. He was dumb and I was immature--we made a perfect couple for a while. 

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5 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I dated a 26-year old when I was 19. It definitely raised a few eyebrows in his family. We had a summer of fun, and then I went back to college. I visited him for Thanksgiving and ended up breaking up with him. I didn't know I was going to do that. I just stopped liking him--I was very fickle at that age. Immature, really. And frankly, he wasn't all that bright, which is a major reason why that whole situation had to end. He was dumb and I was immature--we made a perfect couple for a while. 

So what do you recommend for me?

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27 minutes ago, PillowPuck said:

We're in a college class together. I like to think that we know each other fairly decently. We talk every day that we have this class together and at the very least, I think we're good friends.

Why not ask her to coffee?  That way you can get to know her on a more personal basis.  

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I think your question is maturity level, not age appropriate dating.  If she is very mature for 19 then maybe but if she is still a kid you need to take a hard pass.  Heck some 26 year olds are immature so it all depends.

Do you actually think she is interested or it this wishful thinking?

Lost

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34 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

I think your question is maturity level, not age appropriate dating.  If she is very mature for 19 then maybe but if she is still a kid you need to take a hard pass.  Heck some 26 year olds are immature so it all depends.

Do you actually think she is interested or it this wishful thinking?

Lost

Lost makes a great point.  It depends on the person.  

But I think the fact that you are questioning shows, that maybe you think she is too young acting.  I heard somewhere and I think its so true--

The red flags you ignore in the beginning, end up being the things that break you up in the end.  

I have definitely experienced this.  What started out as a little pause about a person's age or lifestyle in the beginning.  Became--"I can't take it anymore" in the end.  LOL

I could see immaturity being like this.  

Edited by Lambert
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8 minutes ago, Lambert said:

But I think the fact that you are questioning shows, that maybe you think she is too young acting.

I don’t have a problem with how she acts. I just have to keep in mind what other people would think.

I know people who would understandably take pause when hearing about a guy in his mid-twenties dating someone who’s effectively still a teenager.

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46 minutes ago, PillowPuck said:

I don’t have a problem with how she acts. I just have to keep in mind what other people would think.

I know people who would understandably take pause when hearing about a guy in his mid-twenties dating someone who’s effectively still a teenager.

Don't let what other people think rule your life/decisions.

Unless your intentions are negative. you should be authentically proud of all the things you do.  Because you think things through, have good intentions and make good decisions for yourself. 

If they don't pay your bills, they don't have a say.  It's a true regret of life to look back on something you chose not to do based on what other people think.  

She's not just effectively a teen. She is a teen. Nineteen. 

But if you are embarrassed of her age, then leave her be. She doesn't need additional pressure. I'm sure if you're interested other guys are, too. 

Edited by Lambert
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I agree with your original post. Seven years matters less once people are older, as everyone has had their shot already at time to figure themselves out as adults. 

Just think about yourself from 19 to now and how much you have changed. At 19 everything is just a big experiment. 

If you are interested in anything vaguely serious in the next years of your life, pass on this. Yes, others are watching, and they could be women you could actually date or those who know women you could date. They aren't going to be jumping when they see you dating someone this age, as it looks like you are mostly interested in going for the low hanging fruit. 

Challenge yourself and date someone who intimates you a little. It will help snap you out of googly eyes for the 19 year old. 

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Hi Pillow,

 

Don’t know if I am too late but thought I would chime in on this as I have real time experience! Ha!

 

I was 18 and my now husband was 27 when we first met. 14 years on and 3 kids later we are still married! He was my first ever boyfriend!

 

I know exactly where you are coming from - the gap does raise a few brows at that age because the distance seems more between a late teen and a young adult than say ten years between a 30 year old and a 40 year old. As others have said, it shouldn’t matter a jot what other people think as long as you feel this is the right decision for both of you.

 

It does sound corny but age is just as number. What matters is that you are deeply compatible, want the same things in life (make sure she isn’t wanting to go off travelling for 5 years and you want to settle down etc). As Jibralta has mentioned above, even as late teenagers most people are still not very mature. There are exceptions! My husband dealt with some kind of, teen dramatics in the form of hot headed out bursts and moodiness and over the top-ness but I am still like that anyway, at 31, so some traits aren’t always just down to age.

 

It all depends how serious you are about her. Make sure you both want the same things. Don’t toy with her, imply something serious when it’s not or give her the wrong impression. When you are the much older one in a relationship the moral compass and responsibility does lie with you in a way. 
 

Women sometimes lean towards older men for their maturity, confidence, stability, self awareness and knowing what they now want in life. Those tend to be the major benefits of an age gap, especially if the younger one is unusually mature for their age. Feel out what each of you expect and want out of this. My advice would be if this is a fling with a younger woman make sure she knows that, because if she does want to get into something serious with you she might be expecting much more from you than she would another 19 year old guy (marriage and family sooner, maybe).

 

As others have said, go for that coffee and really get to know each other. If you have good, straight forward intentions you don’t need to worry about what other people think.

 

Lo x

Edited by mylolita
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That can be quite a difference at your ages.  I can understand being with someone maybe no more than 3-4 yrs difference if I was 19.  I remember back in HS, I hardly looked at the seniors when I was a junior and that's a difference of 4 yrs.

So, this gal, just barely getting going & getting out of school type of thing is just starting her life.  You are well ahead of the game there, as you're turning 26.

I say think twice and tread carefully.  Yeah, you may have some raised brows in which case you could have some people question this.  BUT, you don't even know if she see's you as someone to get involved with.

Be pleasant, as you are.  But not pushy... as mentioned, ask her out for a coffee.

 

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11 hours ago, PillowPuck said:

 26 and 19 does understandably come off as a bit eyebrow-raising, in my opinion. 

Don't ask her out. Not because the age difference is so hair-raising, but because it's awkward if you take classes together.

Be classmates and friends. It's ok to have a crush but it's not ok to stare or make anyone uncomfortable in a setting they have to be in.

Get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women.

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4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't ask her out. Not because the age difference is so hair-raising, but because it's awkward if you take classes together.

Be classmates and friends. It's ok to have a crush but it's not ok to stare or make anyone uncomfortable in a setting they have to be in.

Get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women.

Are you kidding me? First I’m not allowed to date co-workers, now I’m not allowed to date a classmate? I’m starting to think that, for whatever reason, you just don’t want me dating at all.

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2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Usually what happens is, when they become of age to go to night clubs, you become dust in the wind.

I actually found the opposite to be true. Someone I know was dating a 17 year old when he was in his mid 20s. We were all at an event in Vegas where afterward everyone went to a club to dance and have fun. Well, this guy couldn't go to the club because his girlfriend wasn't old enough so he was forced to miss out and hang out with her at the kiddie arcade. I saw them and he looked super pissed. Well, buddy, you said you're attracted to teenagers so this is what you get! His next girlfriend was over 21.

Your options for going out will be limited unless you don't care about missing out on going to bars or restaurants that have bars (many will not allow anyone under 21 to be present after a certain time) or having drinks (don't provide alcohol to a minor, that is illegal!).

You say you two are "good friends". So that means you two have hung out and communicated away from school, right? What things have you already done together?

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6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I actually found the opposite to be true. Someone I know was dating a 17 year old when he was in his mid 20s. We were all at an event in Vegas where afterward everyone went to a club to dance and have fun. Well, this guy couldn't go to the club because his girlfriend wasn't old enough so he was forced to miss out and hang out with her at the kiddie arcade. I saw them and he looked super pissed.

This made me lol. 

Your acquaintance was using the wrong brain to do math.

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There is a generation gap to consider.  She's still so young and you're a full fledged adult already.  Both of you are at different stages in life.  The maturity level isn't there yet for the 19 year old vs. your being soon to be age 26.  She's barely out of high school and you've been in the adult world for several years now.  Never confuse wishful thinking with reality.  It's better to date girls closer to your age because you'll have more in common and can relate better. 

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I don’t know either of you or your life goals, but you may find yourself ready to settle down sooner than her and that may lead to issues later on. I’m speaking from experience. I dated a guy when I was around her age who was around your age now. He hit a stage where he wanted to settle and I wasn’t nearly ready. Of course this may be completely different for you. Just get to know her a bit and see if you’d be even on the same page about your dating goals. That’s what’s most important. It shouldn’t matter what others think. 

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7 minutes ago, PillowPuck said:

Why only let her make the decision? Don’t I have some say?

Your kidding right?  By asking you have decided your part but by not asking and fretting over this all this time you are deciding for her.

Since you went to all the trouble of posting this thread it is obvious you want to ask her out so just do it already or drop it.  It really is that simple.

Lost

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