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How to be more open?


utopia
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10 minutes ago, utopia said:

It's weird how I see that what you all say is true but somehow I'm still thinking that maybe the problem is in me. And maybe if I change this or if I change that it would all work perfectly.

That's partially because of your low self-esteem and because of your people pleasing tendencies.

But the abuser is clear. You just need to come to terms with it and forgo the fantasy/idealisation you have of him and this relationship.

All I can say is keep listening to the inner voice that brought you to this forum. The inner voice in you that knows you don't deserve this and that this is not healthy for you.

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Yes, the abuse is clear. 

1 hour ago, utopia said:

It's weird how I see that what you all say is true but somehow I'm still thinking that maybe the problem is in me. And maybe if I change this or if I change that it would all work perfectly.

I think that's what usually happens in abusive relationships, actually. Your tendency to assume responsibility is what makes the abuser successful.

1 hour ago, utopia said:

I guess I need to think more like someone who is out of the relationship... like if my best friend was in my position what would I think about her relationship.

Yes, I think that will help you as long as you don't continue to take too much blame and responsibility for things. That is your Achilles Heel.

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I just googled "blame responsibility and abuse" and found this website where the opening statements are, "Blame is the foundation of domestic violence. While it may be theoretically possible to dominate another person without using blame, such as in a prison, in a domestic relationship, blame is essential to both implement and disguise power and control."

https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Basics/blame.html

The website was set up by a nurse who treats victims of domestic violence. I like the way that it's set up--no corporate sponsors lol. 

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2 hours ago, utopia said:

Thank you all for your comments. I've read more information on the topic of emotional abuse and a lot of the things listed are valid in my situation. I would have never thought that this is the case.

It's weird how I see that what you all say is true but somehow I'm still thinking that maybe the problem is in me. And maybe if I change this or if I change that it would all work perfectly.

I guess I need to think more like someone who is out of the relationship... like if my best friend was in my position what would I think about her relationship.

What I guess is you have to acknowledge your intense fear of being alone and your intense fear of your ticking biological clock - I am sure what you wrote above is not an epiphany -the real issue is not whether intellectually you can analyze and come up with the cliche what would I tell my friend but be willing to face your intense fears and especially your reaction that you would stay just to have a baby with this person because of your age and because you think "other than his awful jerky treatment of me" he would make a good father.

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