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How to be more open?


utopia
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There is a guy I'm dating since 3-4 months. We see each other regularly and we are already intimate.

However there is one issue. He says that I need to be more open and I have to talk more with him. 

When we see each other we talk about a lot of things but they are all stuff that happened to me or him during the time that we hadn't been together. He is saying that we need to be having deeper conversations and I totally agree with that.

He always asks me if there is anything bothering me and if I have any issues. He wants me to share anything that is bothering me about our relationship without him having to ask. 

I'm honestly trying to do that but it looks like I'm not sharing enough. He also said that he doesn't feel like I'm in love. So I guess I'm pretty poor at expressing my feelings and emotions.

So my question is do you have any tips on how to be more open? I would be happy if you can give me any examples as well.

Thank you

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You seem to express yourself just fine in your writing and he seems pushy and very insecure about himself. He's seeking for reassurances from you because he's too insecure. Don't feel pressured to say nonsense to a person if there's nothing substantial to say. Trust and openness take time to cultivate and grow. He doesn't seem to understand that. 

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Wow....this guy is a walking forest of red flags. Like scary and crazy kind. He is ultra insecure and playing controlling mind games by making his issues your problem. Beware and better yet...step away from that because this kind of behavior doesn't get better, it only gets worse and worse. There is no way you can ever assure and appease that level of insecurity.

First of all, you should not be talking about what all went wrong in your past. Healthy people focus on the present and what's good right now. Digging into your past is a manipulative way to get you to feel like you are emotionally invested and also to know what your weak spots are. Avoid these types of conversations. This is not deep, it's creepy. Not saying that you don't share about your past eventually.....but that takes time and comes up as appropriate and not as forced early on.

Second, telling you that you need to keep sharing problems or else....like what problems should you be having that you need to keep talking about? That is literally crazy expectation and again, notice he is trying to force this from you, aka create drama. Danger danger danger....OP. Huge massive red flag.

Finally, telling you that if you don't act dramatic and jump through his hoops and loops that you must not love him? Are you kidding me here? He is psycho. It's not you who is the problem here. You've come across a person who is quite literally toxic and the only response to his demands is "You are right and I'm out. Buh bye and please lose my number." OP you cannot fix that kind of crazy level of insecure.

Overall....rather than jumping to beating yourself up because one crazy manipulative person said something negative about you, consider how many other people have said the same. If a hundred people have told you that you have issues with communication then you should consider that this is something you need to work on. However, when it's just one or two people...consider that they are the problem or that you and them are simple not compatible in how you communicate and that's OK. It just means you and those people should stay away from each other. Not everyone is our match.

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How are you at expessing intimacy? Are you an affectionate person? Because I am assuming by "intimate" you mean "sex". And its much more then that. Its expressing yourself in such manner. That means kind words, kissing, hugging, stuff like that. Maybe you are a "colder" person in regarding to that. Some people just are. They are either uncomfortable with it or just cant express in that way. And if its like that, no wonder he doesnt feel loved. And I am afraid there is no magic that would make you in such a way, you are either affectionate like that or not. You can learn to express better, for example if you really like the guy why dont you try to tell him that or even show him in some way? Maybe invite him over and cook for him? But if you are not the person who is like that, there is nothing you can do, you are just not compatible in that way. I mean maybe he is just clingy, there is that also. But its still something that cant be worked around if you are that different regarding intimacy. 

Also, you are both very bad at communicating. Talking about stuff that happened to you is just fine. But if you want deeper conversations why not just talk about other stuff? Dont you want to know where he stands on certain issues? Overall and even regarding the relationship? Even maybe more light stuff like regarding music, movies etc. It would help both of you to see if you are for each other or not. Not every conversation should just be recap what happened to both of you until you saw each other.

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Egad this sounds like going to confession...even if you have nothing to confess you are expected to anyways. Your BF needs to stop being so insecure, that there are more healthier ways to create intimacy. IMO when they start to say things like that, it's time to go.

He sounds unsatisfied with you....no different than him saying you need to cut your hair or act more feminine, or agree with him always even if you don't.

Edited by smackie9
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Even the most guarded individual is likely to open up more than usual in an appropriate environment with the right person. Some people have that incredible personality that is conducive to elicit deep conversations. It's like the way they interact with you, it puts you so much at ease that you feel comfortable and safe sharing stuff with them. Do you follow me?

How comfortable do you feel about opening up to him, when you're together?

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16 hours ago, utopia said:

 He says that I need to be more open and I have to talk more with him. 

He is saying that we need to be having deeper conversations 

At 14 weeks or so, it's  getting to know you and see if we fit and want to continue time. Not deep psychotherapy time.

You seem incompatible. More accurately, he seems like some svengali weirdo.

He's already being invasive and controlling telling you how you "need" to be and what you "need" to do and "need" to talk about and "need" to confess.

It's super creepy that he believes you have to tell him your inner thoughts.

Mostly, think of it like Miranda rights. Anything you say can and will be used against you.

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I don't think he thinks you are shallow -I think his definition of "open" is he wants you to confess dark secrets from your past and share concerns about your feelings for him and about the relationship.  That's a really narrow definition of "open" - people who are getting to know each other typically become more open over time -depends on the individual personality. 

Tell him that if you ever have an issue you will be open about it rather than building up resentment and that is how you plan to be more open about the relationship.  Do you have in depth conversations in general? Do you show openness through your actions -are you approachable and is your body language approachable/open? 

 

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Sounds to me like the guy is over-the-top and he's manipulating you into believing that this is YOUR problem.

Dating for a few months does not auto-equal 'love'. Implying that is 'should' is creepy.

The guy wants you to cough up emotional revelations that make him feel better, and that's not okay.

You can keep seeing this guy if you want to, but I doubt that you--or anyone--can fill his emotional hole. It might be detrimental to you and your own head if you keep trying to do that.

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