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My bf and I are in a poly relationship. I’m not a jealous person but sometimes I get overwhelmed with how many times he falls in love with another woman. It’s a pretty long list of women at this point. It’s emotionally exhausting to be honest. I don’t fall in love with other people easily but I have and he’s pretty ok with it. He’s a very loving person. I understand that being poly can be limitless but I feel so overwhelmed because I feel like I get the brunt end of all his emotions?According to him, I’m his “primary lover” emotionally and sexually. But he has never said to me that he wanted to marry me. He will say, however, “I could marry her but I could marry her! But I could also marry this person too! Oh I can’t decide!” He thinks it’s a good thing to fall so easily for all of these people but something about it feels off?? 

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11 minutes ago, barofsoap99 said:

 It’s emotionally exhausting to be honest.

Franky? Poly is nonsense. You're wasting your time, life, energy, heart and soul on some player.

Invest in yourself. How can you spend your time on work, sports, hobbies, interests, friends and family wasting energy on this?

You're not only not benefitting, you're suffering.

Jump out of this game of musical beds. There's no future, just headaches and heartaches and frustration you don't need.

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3 hours ago, barofsoap99 said:

I understand that being poly can be limitless but I feel so overwhelmed because I feel like I get the brunt end of all his emotions?According to him, I’m his “primary lover” emotionally and sexually.

Yeah, I doubt you're all for this poly...

Do you honestly believe him? That you're his primary?  You just said you feel you get the brunt end of it all... therefore, you are not his primary, if you are lacking his 'emotions'.

And I am sure he's just loving all of this attention.  I say he's a regular player is all.  And is his lifestyle.

Are you okay with having a partner like this?

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3 hours ago, barofsoap99 said:

My bf and I are in a poly relationship. I’m not a jealous person but sometimes I get overwhelmed with how many times he falls in love with another woman. It’s a pretty long list of women at this point. It’s emotionally exhausting to be honest. I don’t fall in love with other people easily but I have and he’s pretty ok with it. He’s a very loving person. I understand that being poly can be limitless but I feel so overwhelmed because I feel like I get the brunt end of all his emotions?According to him, I’m his “primary lover” emotionally and sexually. But he has never said to me that he wanted to marry me. He will say, however, “I could marry her but I could marry her! But I could also marry this person too! Oh I can’t decide!” He thinks it’s a good thing to fall so easily for all of these people but something about it feels off?? 

Both of you don't have enough boundaries to support an open relationship. Work on those. You both have to agree on what isn't acceptable in your relationship together. Don't expect each other to know that or be a mindreader. More communication is needed, more boundaries. Tell him that those comments aren't appropriate in the context of your relationship. 

He seems immature or like he hasn't done this before. Have you both been in open rls in the past? 

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I don't know how anyone deals with the poly relationship. but I do think the people who like it, don't have problems with it either.

So in that respect, I think your feelings are showing you don't like this. And that means you need to move on from this life... 

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Hi barofsoap!

 

In my humble opinion, this relationship/sexual situation hardly ever works and basically never works long term. May be the very tiny exception.

 

I am coming at this from the perspective of liberal thinking when it comes to sexuality as well. My husband and I went through a few years of visiting private members clubs where you could do anything with anyone there - guess you could call them swingers clubs but you were vetted and members only. Anyway, from experience, people who engage in fun within another relationship need to be absolutely rock solid and on the exact same page. You also need some ground rules and the same expectations. You both don’t seem to have this. Your unhappiness is proof alone this is not the right situation for you - I think you deserve better!

 

Go out and find someone who wants the same things you want and will make you number uno! You owe it to yourself!

 

All the best,

Lo x

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It is quite obvious that you are not non-monogamous, OP. 

And he sees you as a his "primary" person right now, but does not have strong enough feelings for you to see a future together. 

It's time to read the writing on the wall and get out of this. In the future, don't agree to parameters that you are not actually comfortable with. 

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He isn't falling in love with these women, he is just saying that so he can have sex with them and you have to be okay with it. 

 He is gaslighting you into believing his BS.  Obviously you are not okay with all this so either end it or find a way to be okay with him treating you like property.

Lost

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On 10/14/2021 at 8:49 AM, barofsoap99 said:

...in a poly relationship.

You're allowed to choose whatever lifestyle you wish, and these choices come with their own set of consequences. It might help to join some kind of group specific to this choice and learn what kind of boundaries and habits help others to be successful with it.

Speaking only for myself, life is complicated enough solo. Adding ONE other person to the mix has its own challenges, so the idea of complicating that further with others is just not something I'd wish to take on. Good luck with that.

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