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Bf accused me of something I didn't do and we broke up


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Please understand this is a long read, but I can guarantee you it is extremely interesting. It is definitely the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me but also one of the hardest things I've been through in a while. I'll try to break this down simply because I need to vent, hear advice, and feel hope right now. Please be gentle with me. I am hurting and confused and mad and sad and all the emotions at the same time.

Met a guy online a couple years ago when I was coming out of an engagement and he was somewhat recently divorced. Let's call this guy Jake. He lived in the next state over, which was the state I was already planning to move eventually. Because we were just a body of water away that's why the app matched us, however, driving time was still about 2.5 hours so it was a bit long distance.  We were pretty into each other at first, talked a couple months, met up for one kinda meh date and then just stopped talking. We did have a quick chat after the one date where we sort of agreed that while we had fantastic chemistry prior, the date was rushed and we both weren't really in the place to be dating yet. I know I certainly wasn't. For the next several months following that date, I moved on with life, I started really focusing on myself, dated a little but casually, kept busy, and generally ended up in a really good place. I started seeing a different guy (let's call him Mark) who is moderately well known, but we hadn't posted anywhere that we were seeing each other (we were not even exclusive yet, and it was veryyy new).

Imagine my surprise when right around that time (probably 4-5 months after we stopped talking originally) Jake reached back out to say hi, with some sweet nostalgic words. We slowlllly started texting over the next few months, which turned into flirty texting, calling, etc. Our chemistry picked back up but was better and calmer than the first time around, we had great energy. During our texting he let it slip that he noticed Mark commenting on my social media and asked if I was dating him. Mark had never actually commented though that I remember, he had just liked some photos, so I found his sleuthing a bit curious. I said yes, not exclusively, it was new, I am dating and single. He then told me he liked me and wanted to ask me on a "quarantine date" (the pandemic had just started). I like him well enough by then and so I accepted.

It went great! He asked me out on quarantine phone date after date, one a week for like 12-13 weeks (late March-early June 2020). It became very consistent. He/we would plan an activity for us to do each time, and we'd stay on the call for hours and then still get off laughing. We learned so much about each other during this time chatting, talking, getting deep and talking/giggling/crying about life. It was really sweet and fun. I had ended things with Mark very soon after our calls began because he wasn't my guy anyway. During the time we were "quarantine dating," Jake sent me a handwritten letter to my house, along with flowers, small gifts, a bunch of little tokens, all because we couldn't date in person yet he said. It was a really cute courting process and I started to develop some feelings for him since we divulged a lot about our lives to each other, would vent about what we wanted for our futures, talk about our pasts, and chat about our day, almost every day. And then one time he called me to complain about a fight he got in with a girl friend of his.

So, he would mention this one female friend periodically to me. Let's call her Lisa. He had met Lisa on a dating app he said, I guess it was during that 5 months we weren't speaking (I'm guessing at the exact timeline, I suppose it could have been before), but they were strictly platonic, had never even made it to the phone call stage, never met he said. And furthermore, she was dating a woman now and in a committed relationship with her. He said she was just a casual friend now and that they would text once and a while about their lives. In fact, the argument they got in was because she would text him too much and he said he didn't have time for level of correspondence from a friend he never met. He called me to vent about this argument they got in and I thought it was weird he was having a text fight as an adult but tried to give him solid advice about it. To be honest, I really didn't feel great in my gut about him being friends at all with some random chick he met on a dating app, but he assured me fully, and it really did seem harmless enough. I tried to remain mature and pride myself even still on never telling a man who he can or can not be friends with. Once and a while Jake would mention Lisa but it was always the same story- just a friend, if she disappeared tomorrow he wouldn't even care. He always assured me on his own there was nothing between them, she was fully in a relationship, and they never ever spoke even on the phone. He said she knew about me, rooted for us (me and him) and liked "our love story." Other than when he would mention her once and a while though, she wasn't really a big part of life, and I wouldn't think of her that much. I just need to mention Lisa because it's going to become a big part of the end of this story.

When summer came around we were still in lock down. I had so much to do before I moved, and felt that there wouldn't really be a point to start trying to see Jake in person yet. For one, he was a couple of hours away, but also, for where we were getting to emotionally, that would be the next logical step, and I didn't really want to ruin what we had built so far. I tried to nicely explain this and asked for a pause on the weekly quarantine dates for the summer...at least until I moved. We still texted all the time just without the scheduled dates. He still flirted. We still had some random calls. But the unique and kinda nice thing about us was that we always made it very clear that while we liked each other and had a connection, we weren't with each other in person, we were single, so we could date others of course (we just didn't want to hear about the specifics of that!). I did end up dating a bit that summer. I am sure he did too (he has alluded to this since). Regardless, during a late night phone call mid-summer we admitted we had love for each other, so the emotions were always building.

Summer 2020 goes by, our status doesn't change but we talk all the time throughout the Fall. I am looking at houses in his state and eventually find and buy one. I have inspection and a move in date is set. As I approach it he starts telling me all these amazing things he wants to do with me when I get there, how he is going to show me all around. I am happy to hear this. Sounds fun! However, I don't want to jump right into a relationship or anything when I move to a new state. Moving and owning a house have been a personal goal of mine for so long and I want to organize my home, make a little life, keep my independence, furniture shop, meet people, etc. So he asks to see me right when I move but I explain my feelings and ask to put it off a little bit while I set up. He gets it. I do send him a really nice birthday gift. He does send me a welcome to the state gift when I move. It was cute. I moved in early December 2020 and we said we'd meet up in January. Everything was super nice and sweet and going well. But then an odd thing happened.

He went on a trip. I think this was mid-end December 2020, so right before the new year and when we were to get together. Said he was meeting up with a friend from college and some other people to photograph animals out there (hobby of his). We texted and flirted right up until he was on the plane, and then started up again when he got home. Everything was normal until a few days later he calls me and this whole weird story of what happened on his trip begins to unravel. To this day I still don't know if he met up with the college friend at all but apparently at some point he met up with some girl he was flirty with and they went out to photograph together. Technically, he's allowed to date at this point as he is single, but that doesn't mean this didn't hurt to hear. I guess they stayed together in a hotel a few days and were intimate. She wanted to post photos of them together, he asked her not to. She had a drunken melt down and made it clear she thought there was more to their relationship then he did. He did divulge to me they hooked up while he was there and I guess this is partly what gave her the impression that there was more to their relationship obviously. She was drunk, cried, melted down, threatened to have someone come pick her up. He said it was a big mess, that she was an alcoholic, and he didn't feel emotionally safe around her.

After the trip a few people in Jake's circle back home started getting anonymous messages on Instagram about him. The people who received them were all women; one was his ex wife, I forget who the others were specifically, but the girl he had just met up with on the trip was included as well. He said that, besides his ex, the girls who got them were all "pretty girls he is just friends with now." The messages were disparaging him, saying he was a player/cheater essentially. After the call I checked my own messages and I had received one too. It said something like "Is Jake talking to you? I think he's cheating on me." The message was obviously bogus and clearly someone just fishing for information. It had also been sent from an anonymous account. I didn't respond but I told him about it. A week or so later he called me again and said he had just got a message that night saying "do your *** know about each other?" or something ridiculous like that from another anonymous account that just started following some of the girls from the last round of messages, including me. He asks me to check my messages while we are on the phone. Sure enough, I had another message saying he was a loser and telling me to look into certain girls he knew, people I had never heard of. I share this all with him in real time while we were talking on the phone and he seemed freaked out. I felt horrible for him. He told me that he was certain it was this girl from out west for so many reasons, including the facts that she had melted down, she was reacting to the messages "she received" really oddly, was emailing him saying he was an awful person and that she had a boyfriend now, etc., and so in general, she was acting bizarrely. We hung up but later on he told me that girl called him "randomly" that same night as well saying she received more messages too and was acting crazy again, pointing the finger at some girls he knows who had viewed her instagram stories before, telling him he was a horrible person, yet also asking him for another shot with him at the same time, and then saying she was dating someone new and was over him, and threatening to message girls he knows saying "You can have Jake! Leave me alone!"- just very erratic behavior, all on the same call. I spent a lot of time talking to him during this period, trying to help him feel better about his predicament. He wanted to meet up right then but to be honest I was feeling a bit apprehensive from all that drama. I suggested that we wait till February (about another month) so that this would be behind us a little bit. I didn't want this to be looming over me as I hung out with him the first time, because I really was developing some feelings for him now. He was okay with that and understood. Soon after this conversation he texted me one morning to say that he "didn't know what was going to happen with us and was excited to see, but also, that he knew he loved me." Mid-January he also told me that he wanted to just completely focus on me, not even talk to other girls at all, really see what we could be, etc. since February was coming up very soon. I agreed to this. I thought it was a really nice thing to say and mindset to be in.

So finallllly, this past Valentine's Day we had our first real date! It went really well. We had charcuterie, listened to music, hooked up a little, talked and laughed a ton. Nice connection. He asked me on a second date for that weekend, went great, and so we continued dating in person. The sex was hot, the emotional chemistry was wonderful, we had a lot of fun and laughs together and the depth was also there. Everything about this relationship seemed respectful, and exciting, and nice. He officially asked me to be his girlfriend and all summer we wrote songs together, spent time at each other's houses (we now lived about 30 minutes from each other), explored the area a bit, made dinner for each other, ordered take out, went out a little bit, I met his best friend, we went on a short but beautiful getaway together- things were progressing really nicely. I was happy. The relationship felt calm and mature but also exciting. We had great communication, respect, and awesome sex...what more could you ask for?

Flash forward to the trip from hell that ended our relationship. He invited me on a second getaway which I thought was super sweet and romantic. I couldn't wait to go. The first was paid for through my job but this was all him. It was only 2 nights but I loved that he planned it for us, found a gorgeous Airbnb and knew the area. 90% of this trip was great and we opened up a lot, telling silly stories about our lives and families and school life growing up. The sex was great, we listened to lots of music, we hiked in the rain, he took photographs, made us breakfast, we saw wild turkeys and a bear, it was pretty neat. I felt myself really relaxing with him in a new way and that was special feeling. While we were drinking a little on the night before we were to leave, his mood seemed to change. We were hanging out listening to music, chatting and having fun, but his face got sort of different and he seemed "off." I asked him what was wrong several times but he said nothing was. I went to change for bed, came back and asked again. He finally admitted something was wrong.

He tells me that earlier in the night when I told him a silly childhood story about lying to my 4th grade class it got him thinking about the concept of lying and how he has been keeping something from me. I found this weird. My intuition was pinging and I pushed him a little bit. He was triggered by me sharing a childhood story? Huh? "Alright fine," he said, "that's not the whole truth." The truth ends up being that that girl Lisa (remember her?) texted him a little bit earlier (why his mood changed) and told him that he needed to tell me the truth about something or else. And this is where the story takes it's first really crappy turn.

Turns out what this "something" was is that him and Lisa had a conversation about having a threesome with me. A threesome is something Jake and I have privately flirted about in the past as a joke, but he 100% knows I don't actually want to have one. This has been made CLEAR. That's not the type of person I am (I'm a one guy gal) and it's just not what I want out of life. He has fully agreed with me about this topic multiple times. As he admitted he talked to Lisa about having a threesome with me, he was so defeated and apologetic and sad. He recounted their conversation in a way that made me feel really bad for him because I had never seen him like that towards me before. He swore up and down that he barely participated in this convo with her, that she was the aggressor in it, and that Lisa kept pushing and pushing and saying things like "what guy wouldn't be into this" and "no man on earth wouldn't like this." He said it was her idea essentially and at one point he even said she was "like a bully" (which I remember laughing at incredulously either out loud or in my head...because..come on). I was a bit drunk I admit and don't remember every single detail of what I said but I do remember telling him I felt disgusted. He agreed with me that it was way inappropriate and was so apologetic it ever even happened. He said he didn't want to have one and told her as much and barely went along with the convo. I didn't know what to believe fully but part of me also didn't like that this random nothing "friend" was blackmailing him. He seemed pretty focused on this too and it did all seemed very middle school and nothing concrete had really happened that would make her do this. She was basically blackmailing him with taudry gossip and it was perplexing and dumb. I did also feel that because he apologized, I believed his apology, and no true physical lines had been crossed, the situation was navigable. I'm pretty sure I suggested to him at this point he not talk to Lisa anymore and he agreed wholeheartedly. He was so sad and sorry and we ended up having sex and going to bed.

Next morning he's still morose as we are getting ready to leave. I try to cheer him up a bit and then I go downstairs to shower. When I come back up he tells me Lisa reached out to him again and said that she also sent ME a message. I look through my phone and I check my Instagram and have one new message from a basically anonymous account. It followed almost no one and had no pictures, so it seemed meant for this purpose. He asks to read the message before I do because he "feels like he is going to throw up." I got an awful feeling when he said that and like 30% of me became worried he might try to delete it or something before I could see it. But he didn't, he just read it. The message essentially says that it is Lisa, she is a friend of Jake's and wants to tell me about this conversation they had because she wants to "air things out" and start off on the right foot for their friendship (whatever that means). She also adds in a couple of other things. One is that "he says you're super sweet and great but other times I can't tell if he lies to me even, like once he said you were rude to a waiter." This confuses me to no end because never have I EVER been rude to a waiter in life! I don't even send food back and I am always so kind when out. I have such respect for the service industry. Another thing Lisa does is send a photo of myself that I only sent to Jake...to me, alongside text that says "just so you know I am telling the truth." She concludes her messages by saying she has screenshots of her texts with Jake and can send them to me or show me more or something. I was VERY confused at this point and I had a small knot in my stomach. And Jake was pissseddd.

Jake and I talk for a whileeee. He apologizes profusely for sending my photo to her but said he was just sending it the way you would show your friend your girlfriend and show what was going on in your life, because he is proud of how pretty I am. Side note: It is not an "overly sexy" photo that he shared with her, it was just a personal pic that was only for him. He says he will never send another photo to anyone that I send to just him. He also said he sent one of us as a couple but she just chose to just send me only this one to hurt me. He swears that she is lying about the waiter thing. And I actually believe him on this. We don't go to a ton of restaurants together and well, it's never happened. But after these messages he is clearly more agitated. He feels betrayed. Doesn't understand this girl's motivation. I feel his anger and I feel for him and somehow I end up taking on the role of trying to soothe him and make him feel better as we drive home.

He allows me to write something back to Lisa's messages. I take a few minutes to come up with what to say and end up saying something sort of customer service-y. I say essentially "Hi Lisa. I understand why you'd want to share more with me but I spoke with Jake a long time and we decided to focus on the future. I don't need to hear about anything from yesterday or prior. We are all good. Take care." Jake actually tears up at my message. He says I am a really good person. I try to keep him feeling calm as we continue driving our 2+ remaining hours home. As we drive he keeps asking me to check if she wrote back. I check a few times but she hasn't yet.

At some point while driving I go to instagram from the safari browser on my iphone and I type Lisa's dumb instagram name in as if i'm about to log on. I click forgot password, which provides a partially starred out email address. This is a popular trick that people use to try to help identify the identity of instagram stalkers and stuff like that because you get to see part of the email address the account creator used when they made the account. I wanted to see if I somehow recognized anything about her email address because I found something suspicious about her. Sadly, I did not. (This part of the story ends up being very important though.)

A few minutes later he asks me to check again to see if she has written back yet. I check. It says I got a message from her 6 minutes prior. She says even more in this one. Some of it pertained to the threesome conversation I already knew about. A second was that Jake asked to take a boudoir photo of her (he explained this to me later on and said that isn't what he said, which I don't know if I believe), and the third thing she wrote was "he said he could never introduce you to his parents because you dress too risque." Now I was doing so well up until this point but this got to me. That sh*t hurt. I dress, by all accounts, very nice, very appropriate for every occasion, classy and nice, tailored to my body, in nice brands and clothes. I can't even believe I have to explain this because it is not the type of thing any one would ever think to say about me in literally any context, so the statement on its own is perplexing. I digress...

We get in a fight I suppose, and he sort of double downs on the clothing thing. He says he doesn't have to like everything I wear, it doesn't make me a bad person. He says his parents are judgey and so is he. Instead of comforting me as my eyes begin to tear, he says he dated a girl with tattoos once he really liked but knew he couldn't bring her home because he didn't want to hear about it. My points (in between the offended-ness and hurt) were 1. You're a 40 year old man why are you so insecure that your primary obsession is what your parents think about your dates!? 2. You yourself have a hugeeeee arm tattoo, whatttt!? 3. You aren't the Kennedy's or Rockeffelers what are you even judging someone for? What is going on? Plussssss 4. I dress lovely. We went back and forth over my clothes. He wouldn't really pin point a garment that was bad. He said when we went hiking the day prior my clothes were revealing and in the food store afterwards men were looking at me and he didn't like being the boyfriend next to me during that moment. Now keep in mind it was August in the rain and we were hiking a state park. I had on a sports bra (and a longline one too- it went down to my belly button), black gym shorts, and hiking boots. I also brought a button up flannel to layer over it if needed (which I wore into the food store). It was all very standard hiking attire. But he is right, men did look. I felt uncomfortable when they did, but that wasn't my fault. I wasn't going to hike in a hoodie and pants on a super warm summer's day. I ended up crying during this conversation. And I did call him insecure but I took it back immediately because I felt bad and I don't like when arguments get into name calling.

We somehow made up by the time we got home. He said he told Lisa that stuff months ago because that's the way he is in early parts of relationships. He said he says stupid stuff because he's always looking for something wrong to protect himself but that he keeps pushing past his usual limits with me, that he hasn't found a reason to run like he has with every other girl since his divorce, he keeps moving forward, etc. He says he doesn't feel that way anymore but also says we aren't at the meeting parents stage yet. I agree. We have to part when we get back home and his parting words to me are "My advice, if you want us to proceed, is to block the account and not even read the messages. I didn't cheat on you. I treat you well. I didn't do anything bad that would be relationship-ending. If this girl is pulling out ridiculous stuff like comments about your style and clothes from months ago I have no idea what she would say. But she's obviously just trying to hurt me." I tell him I love him and leave. But I have to admit, I felt sort of threatened by his words. It was like I had to just move on and ignore everything if we were to be together. I was feeling vulnerable and nervous. However, I could also see his side.

On the way home I get into a small car accident and two of my tires blow out ($650 repair fees, yayyyyyy) and I have to get a tow. I was a bit shaken up actually and it was a really crappy end to an already awful day. I text him about this when I get home. I tell him that it put things in perspective, and I blocked that girl's account, I know he's a good person and I'd like to move forward with him now if he would? He says something odd like "yes, you're great and amazing but something isn't right in my gut. I have to work some stuff out." I said "That's a foreboding message" and he replies "With me, not with you and I." We share a few pics from the trip and listen to a song we had started writing together before saying goodnight.

The next two days go by pretty quickly, I was busy and so was he. He reached out to say he hoped I was having a good day, and then the day after that we talked a little about tv shows and the recent hurricane. Then, he calls me out of the blue in the middle of the afternoon and ACCUSES.ME.OF.BEING.LISA.

....

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So, he proceeds to tell me that he has basically taken the last 48 hours to compile a case full of evidence that Lisa must be me. I was shocked and confused as he explained what he meant and went through his "findings." He said a few things. 1.) Lisa only texted him during that whole ordeal while I was changing or in the bathroom. 2.) He saw me log into Instagram from the Safari browser and who does that? He said he believed that I was logging into the Lisa account from my phone right next to him in the car because I am her. 3.) He went back through his texts with Lisa starting like a year and a half ago and compared them to texts with me. There were so many coincidences he said. He didn't show me, just told me. For example, I mentioned Monica Lewinsky and a while later (he didn't say how long later) Lisa mentioned her in a different context. I couldn't believe what he was saying. 3.) He said he looked up Lisa's phone number and found out it was a "voip" number which means it is a fake number. He said that means she is a fake person and doesn't exist. 4.) He said Lisa doesn't text him when we hang out. 5.) He also included something that REALLY REALLY threw me off. He said throughout his relationship with Lisa, she would talk badly about any girl he ever dated and always be "obsessed with" me. He said "90% of their conversations were about me" when they texted and that she would text all the time, all day long, in text "flurries." ALL OF THIS made me very upset. He had downplayed their relationship to me. He always acted as if him and Lisa were strictly friendly and he couldn't care less about their conversations. Now, all of a sudden, she and him spoke constantly, she was obsessed with me and they discussed me 90% of the time!?

I was dumbfounded. I asked him at one point what my motivation would be to have "catfished" him throughout the last 2 years that I knew him essentially. He said that he believed I did this "...to be the perfect girlfriend," to know when he fell in love with me, "to have all the answers to the test before I took it," "to know when he stopped dating other people and it was safe to date him, "to have someone to move for." I felt like I was on drugs hearing this. What!? I was hurt, dismayed, mad, but also concerned that his ego was enormous. I said as much. He's not a God. HE THOUGHT I WOULD DO THIS TO BE THE PERFECT GIRLFRIEND? HUH!? That was ridiculous. Plus, I was always moving from before I even knew him and pushed off seeing him for a while. HE reached back out to ME after our meh date. WHAT. THE. HELL!?

I also fought back and defended myself. I said things like "we went on one date, I moved on with my life...you reached out to contact ME again. I would have likely (no offense) never spoke to you again if that didn't happen." I said "you think I have been masquerading as another person alongside getting to know you in REAL life and then eventually dating you? To be the PERFECT GIRLFRIEND?? What are you talking about!? Wouldn't I have just...been the perfect girlfriend then? Like for example, worn all the "perfect" clothes?". I said that it sounds like he clearly talked to Lisa about other girls he dated then and that he also said some not so nice things about me along the way. And I asked "why would I be okay with hearing negative things about myself and still like you and continue to talk to you and then date you after hearing these things? Hearing a man speak badly of me at all wouldn't turn me ON, it would turn me OFF, Jake." He said "maybe it was a challenge for you." He literally scoffed at all of my points and shut down listening to reason. I was so hurt. I said to him "I thought you met Lisa on a dating app!" He said "you could have easily made a fake dating app profile and set it to my age and location until you found me a year and a half ago." Like, the responses to my points were all delusional feeling to me. I wanted to know how this was even physically possible in his mind. He alleged that I could have two phone numbers or even two different phones to have done this, essentially saying I was obsessed with him. He said I was brilliant and could have done this. Offended wasn't even the word.

I am a normal, busy person with a life and a job, friends, interests and hobbies, a house to work on, things to do and people to see. I am also fairly attractive I would say (as humbly as possible), I get dates easy enough. I can't even imagine the time it would take to do something like this. Or what purpose it would serve me or anyone.

Now, it is crucial to this story to include that I am not Lisa, so of course I was appalled, I was confused, weirded out, sad, all the emotions at once as he accused me. I really did love this man. How could he think this or do this? We always prided ourselves on how great our communication was (even in arguments) but I had never heard him speak to me the cold way he was speaking to me during this call. It was like he just shut off all emotion towards me instantly and it was very odd. We actually ended up having two long phone calls about this a week apart. One was 4 hours long and another was 5.5 hours. After the first he said he needed a break and some time and that we were in a "holding pattern." By the end of the second, we were officially done. It was shocking and hurtful. I cried during the calls. A lot. I offered to show him my entire phone immediately, both times. He didn't care. I asked him to show me the texts he had with Lisa. He just wouldn't. I offered to send videos I have on my phone from last year on days when she was texting him to prove it couldn't have been me. "If I was taking a video of something else or appearing in a video somewhere then clearly I can't have also been catfishing you as Lisa," I said. He didn't want to take the time to cross reference the texts with my videos, and also said it wouldn't matter because you can take 2 seconds to send a text from anywhere at any time. I reminded him of a time he told me Lisa texted him while I was over his house. He said he "didn't remember it." At one point during the second call he 3 way called Lisa's phone number with me on the line. She didn't answer (shocker) and he left a voice mail asking her why she did what she did...yet he still fully refused to believe it wasn't me.

The second, final call was a roller coaster of emotions. It went from him actually saying I was an "evil psychopath" towards the beginning to really softening for a while and saying he wasn't sure what he believed anymore. There were a few ugly moments in the call. I told him my friend suggested he might be a schitzo narcissist after hearing this story. To this day, I for some reason feel horrible for saying that. I hate namecalling, even indirectly and even under duress. I regret that moment. If this is all true, I for some reason still feel bad that this happened to him, even though I am angry and hurt at his accusation. I kept telling him I thought he underplayed the whole Lisa relationship, mistepped bigtime with the way he handled the aftermath by accusing me (he could have just driven to my house and asked to see my phone, or asked to see my phone immediately in the car, or made sure to have a phone call with Lisa in the last 2 years, or I don't know, simply not have continued their relationship at all), and I asked several times to see their conversations. I was worried, to be frank, about my safety a bit. If this person is fake like he says, and is gone like he says, and we don't know their motivation, but yet they care enough about me to "talk about me 90% of the time," be "obsessed wth me" and then message me and blow up my relationship, who's to say I shouldn't be frightened of them? He did not seem to care about my worries or fears because he was too busy accusing me.

However, and this is what is so confusing, he did backtrack a tiny bit when I pushed hard on whether I should fear for my safety. He started to admit that Lisa didn't really talk about me 90% of the time. He changed his story a bit and said she wasn't obsessed per say, just said things like "what are you doing? focus on her" when he would mention other girls he was dating back when he was single. He said he doesn't think she is dangerous and believes she has a lot of empathy. She just doesn't like when people talk badly about other people. He told me I shouldn't be worried about her. I asked if there are any other details she would know about me that he shared with her. Did she know about where I lived, any distinguishing little details, etc. She had obviously talked with him about me in a sexual way so I asked if he shared our sex life or anything else intimate. He said no to all this. I don't understand why, if he thought I was Lisa, he still answered all my questions about Lisa and tried to soothe my mind. It was such a mind warp, this whole situation.

We started wrapping up our relationship and saying goodbye. We started saying some nice things to each other, nice memories. It was all happening so suddenly. He was adamant we needed to part. I think at one point in the emotion of it all I really tried to get him to stay friends with me. I don't know why I would do that. Thinking back, that must have just been the roller coaster of emotions I was on and the shock of it all. He was pushing to end things and I was so sad and asked to just take the relationship aspects away but at least maintain some form of connection. We got off the phone leaving things a bit ambiguous. I am embarrassed I acted this way and didn't really stand up for myself more in that moment. However, 2 days later I came to my senses and texted him that we needed a clean break from this, I am a forgiving person but would need a real apology before that could happen, and I will try to focus on the good things he said to me instead of the painful insults because it's the only way to move forward. He agreed we needed a clean respectful break to "let the explosion settle," wished me well, and that was that. A little while later I noticed he blocked me on all social media. That felt like a bit of a gut punch. It was like we were just gone from each other's lives forever. And I've been really really hurt ever since to be honest.

I am really confused and struggling and don't know how to make sense of any of this. Please don't tell me to just move on or get over this because it's not that easy. This has all been so awful for me and so sudden and I would love to talk this out with more people and hear opinions or theories on all/any parts of this situation. I really felt such an organic connection with this person for so long and to have it end it such an explosive bizarre way has thrown me. Does anyone have any advice? Does anyone have any theories or ideas about what could have been going on here? I will be going to therapy soon, but it would be nice to just have some other voices in the mix as well.

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9 minutes ago, lostforwords11 said:

I was coming out of an engagement and he was somewhat recently divorced. He lived in the next state over. I am looking at houses in his state and eventually find and buy one. 

Do you still live in the same state as him?

Delete and block him and all his crazy people from all your social media and messaging apps.

When someone wants to include his other women in your relationship, run.

 It's unclear why you bothered entertaining all this rather than deleting his other GF and ending things immediately

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Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Do you still live in the same state as him?

Delete and block him and all his crazy people from all your social media and messaging apps.

When someone wants to include his other women in your relationship, run.

 It's unclear why you bothered entertaining all this rather than deleting his other GF and ending things immediately

Yes I do still live in the same state. The issue here is that he SWEARS he did not want to include someone else in our relationship. His entire argument was that he was so sorry he allowed a conversation about the topic, but that he barely participated in it. He swore that he told the girl it wasn't for him or us. I can't sit here and say I honestly believe that because then why would he have allowed that convo at all, right? But he was very convincing. And this wasn't a girl he ever met or even spoke to on the phone. It was just a friend as far as I knew that he talked to here and there, if that clarifies.

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14 minutes ago, lostforwords11 said:

Yes I do still live in the same state. I can't sit here and say I honestly believe that because then why would he have allowed that convo at all, right? 

Sorry this happened. In a way you dodged a bullet. Hope your car is ok.

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You know you're not Lisa.  You know Jake is unstable.  That's all you need to know.  I'm sorry about all this drama and it sounds like in part you liked the challenge of being with Jake, the drama, the unpredictability - not blaming the victim but there's a much greater risk of this stuff happening when you pursue something that's shady-like/drama filled.  Remember he said he wouldn't care if Lisa disappeared completely and yet he described her as a friend of his.  That was a red flag -who says that about a true friend? Sounds like from the beginning you weren't getting the truth about him and Lisa, for one thing.  

I'm sorry again but I'd move on completely and limit social media.

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1 minute ago, lostforwords11 said:

Thank you so much. My car is okay now. I appreciate you saying that though.

He wasn't your serious boyfriend so I also think your mindset that he was contributed to you getting this attached.  Moving on is never easy.  You think your rollercoaster social media-infused drama story makes it different.  It doesn't.  Avoid indulging in fancy words like "organic connection."  The organic part of this is Jake might have some sort of chemical imbalance or addiction going on.  But that's not your problem at all.  I'm just saying there was no "organic connection" that formed the basis of a healthful relationship.  You can feel connected to people who are wrong for you or unstable.  He was wrong for you and likely unstable, despite how  you felt/feel.  I'm sorry.

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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You know you're not Lisa.  You know Jake is unstable.  That's all you need to know.  I'm sorry about all this drama and it sounds like in part you liked the challenge of being with Jake, the drama, the unpredictability - not blaming the victim but there's a much greater risk of this stuff happening when you pursue something that's shady-like/drama filled. 

That's very true. I do know. I guess it's just easier said than done. A huge part of me hates that he thinks this about me. It really, really hurts my soul, you know? The weird thing is...I didn't feel like there was any real drama with Jake. Between us 99% of the time, we were so calm and communicative and caring. I really felt like our relationship was solid and mature. Nothing out of the ordinary happened once we started dating. I literally just included every little bit of oddness I could think of all together in that post. All the drama came mainly in the weekend that ended everything. So I would have to disagree that I enjoyed the challenge of being with him because I didn't feel like there was any at all. I do agree now that there is a huge discrepancy with how he felt about Lisa- was she a friend/not a friend/a good friend/something more/real/fake? It's a lot.

Why am I so sad?

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1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

He wasn't your serious boyfriend so I also think your mindset that he was contributed to you getting this attached.

Thank you for your words. I would just point out that yes, we knew each other for about a year and a half prior to dating (during which we got to know each other very well), but then we dated in person. And to me, dating for 7 months is serious. We had a 7 month in person real relationship, were in love, etc. He was my serious boyfriend.

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1 minute ago, lostforwords11 said:

I guess it's just easier said than done.

Well no - you don't know if it was communicative and caring because you spent very little time in person and part of that time was on holiday right?  And while consuming alcohol.  Lots of good stuff for us is easier said than done.  The challenge was he was mostly unavailable to you and long distance and there was this elusive  Lisa and dramatic messages - so he really wasn't available to you -you could feel this organic connection without having to act on it in any serious, long term way.

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1 minute ago, lostforwords11 said:

Thank you for your words. I would just point out that yes, we knew each other for about a year and a half prior to dating (during which we got to know each other very well), but then we dated in person. And to me, dating for 7 months is serious. We had a 7 month in person real relationship, were in love, etc. He was my serious boyfriend.

How often did you see each other for that 7 months? The year and a half prior was mostly typing not in person, yes?

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1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

How often did you see each other for that 7 months? The year and a half prior was mostly typing not in person, yes?

Well, pretty often. At least once a week. It was a regular relationship once we started dating exclusively. We lived only about 30 minutes apart. We went away twice during that time, the second getaway was when things ended.

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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Well no - you don't know if it was communicative and caring because you spent very little time in person and part of that time was on holiday right?  And while consuming alcohol.  Lots of good stuff for us is easier said than done.  The challenge was he was mostly unavailable to you and long distance and there was this elusive  Lisa and dramatic messages - so he really wasn't available to you -you could feel this organic connection without having to act on it in any serious, long term way.

Hi! Thank you for your reply. I answered this in the other post 🙂

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3 minutes ago, lostforwords11 said:

Well, pretty often. At least once a week. It was a regular relationship once we started dating exclusively. We lived only about 30 minutes apart. We went away twice during that time, the second getaway was when things ended.

Yes, 7 months is around the time things can get serious - you wrote a lot about the social media stuff so I missed that.  I think he needed a way to get around the fact that he'd been behaving inappropriately with Lisa or cheating on you and tried to turn it on you.  I get that the threesome thing was a joke.  To you.  It sounds like since he didn't take it that way your connection and communication failed in that particular area.  Yes, sometimes right around the 6 month mark true colors can come out.  I am so sorry.

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Thank you. I know I wrote so much. It took me days to get the courage up to write all that and try to piece it together correctly. Yea I am just sad it ended this way I suppose. Mostly because I don't even know what really happened. And because everything I said to try to prove myself was refuted. HA- at one point I offered to show him my phone and he said "you could have cleared it out" and "your phone could be at the bottom of a lake by now!" He was saying the weirdest things as if it was a dateline episode. Just refusing to try to see it any other way. I almost wish it were a clearer ending, or that he said he just wanted out. I actually did ask him if he was just looking for a way out of our relationship. He swore he wasn't and that he was actually looking to stay IN the relationship but couldn't because of what he found out (about me being Lisa). He told me he had bought concert tickets for both of us for the future and presented this as "evidence" of him not trying to just find a way out or making this up to get out of our relationship, so it seems like he really does believe this about me...which hurts my heart.

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I know you are hurting and you want this to go back to how it was. You want him to think well of you. 

I think that is all pretty common when accused of something, when we can't make sense of what the other person saying. 

With that said, I think you need to let this be. Let him be. It's going to take time to process all this. Therapy is a good idea because unlike friends and people that know you, you get more of an independent perspective.

In time, when you are not so close to this and maybe in love with a more stable person, you will see that you don't want someone like him ANYWAY!

You say, 99% of the relationship was stable. ok. that might seem reasonable to want the good parts and be willing to put up with the 1% that is bad... but!

1. this 1% is beyond normal. I don't know that you could ever trust this guy again. Everything he is saying is based on his own conclusions and him. You can't change him and why would want to? (that's what you need to figure... the part about your need to fix this) 

2. He's saying some really harsh and hurtful things. Why would you tolerate being emotionally and verbally abused by this guy? This is just the tip of the iceberg!

I think you need to look internally and ask yourself why aren't you mad as all heck? as you said, you know you aren't Lisa. And who the heck is this guy to put all this on you? Like you deserve this? And you're going beg him to believe you? If he thinks this crap and he does, forget him. That is not love in the least 

the next time you meet a guy and he has some crazy ex girlfriend or ex on line friend, that he is allowing to be in his life-- even as a friend,  RUN!

You cannot apply logic to the mentally ill. That is a fact.

Be glad he blocked you. Block him so he can't contact you. There are not enough apologies in the world to repair this.... 

You cared, you were into him, he lost his darn mind. That is all on him. 

I know you're disappointed bc you thought better of the guy, but hello? Deal breaker!

This is over. He is nuts and you need to work on you. 

 

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Nice story but I see a plot hole.

He had sex with both of you. Several times. Yet he believes you are one and the same person who somehow tricked him into thinking you were two different people.

Explain that one.

This is one of the longest posts I've ever read. It could have been condensed to less than 1/4 of it's length by leaving out all the irrelevant stuff such as "The sex was great, we listened to lots of music, we hiked in the rain, he took photographs, made us breakfast, we saw wild turkeys and a bear, it was pretty neat".

 

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10 minutes ago, gamon said:

Nice story but I see a plot hole.

He had sex with both of you. Several times. Yet he believes you are one and the same person who somehow tricked him into thinking you were two different people.

Explain that one.

This is one of the longest posts I've ever read. It could have been condensed to less than 1/4 of it's length by leaving out all the irrelevant stuff such as "The sex was great, we listened to lots of music, we hiked in the rain, he took photographs, made us breakfast, we saw wild turkeys and a bear, it was pretty neat".

 

Good question!  And good reading comprehension @gamon

 

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14 minutes ago, gamon said:

Nice story but I see a plot hole.

He had sex with both of you. Several times. Yet he believes you are one and the same person who somehow tricked him into thinking you were two different people.

Explain that one.

This is one of the longest posts I've ever read. It could have been condensed to less than 1/4 of it's length by leaving out all the irrelevant stuff such as "The sex was great, we listened to lots of music, we hiked in the rain, he took photographs, made us breakfast, we saw wild turkeys and a bear, it was pretty neat".

 

EXACTLY he is a few French fries short of a happy meal. 

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11 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

EXACTLY he is a few French fries short of a happy meal. 

That's one possibility. That the guy is so crazy he thinks that two different women he had sex with and was in relationships with are the same person.

But it's not the only possibility.

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13 minutes ago, gamon said:

Nice story but I see a plot hole.

He had sex with both of you. Several times. Yet he believes you are one and the same person who somehow tricked him into thinking you were two different people.

I took a time to read everything, dont think he even met the other girl. Which kinda makes it strange since they were so good friends that he confined to her. And he never took time to confirm identity. Especially because he seems paranoid. So that is maybe a plot hole lol

I agree with others, he is very, very unstable individual. You focused on good stuff but ignored so much red flags there. Ex-wife is just mentioned but seems important. Him knowing about your boyfriend and asking specifically means he took a close look at your socials. Very close look. His behavior is that he jumps from casual to casual, he never even intended to introduce you to parents because of how you dress lol. Him mentioning treesome about the girl he doesnt even know does seem like a plothole but its certanly a red flag. And finally all that paranoia. People who dont have nothing to hide dont act in that way. Because they are certain that they are clean. People who have secrets are like that. Secretive, always have something going on to them, always think somebody is working behind their back to get them etc. Add that you find about two of his "casual" cases and that they both seem psychos as well(they usually attract each other). And accept that you were dealing with a very unstable individual that you choose to ignore until his paranoia got him to accuse you of something so strange. You are far better by not dealing with that guy. So thank to God that he left you alone and move on. 

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Ok Lisa wasn't the girl that he had sex with who harassed them after the fact.

Strike the possible plot hole from the record.

I'm working another theory. Assuming all the facts are accurate as presented, him being a nutjob isn't the only possibility.

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4 hours ago, lostforwords11 said:

His entire argument was that he was so sorry he allowed a conversation about the topic, but that he barely participated in it. He swore that he told the girl it wasn't for him or us. I can't sit here and say I honestly believe that because then why would he have allowed that convo at all, right? But he was very convincing.

He's full of it.

That's how they roll.. being 'very convincing'.  And on it goes.. totally blowing your mind!

He is not sorry.. He not okay.

 

3 hours ago, lostforwords11 said:

I don't even know what really happened. And because everything I said to try to prove myself was refuted

So hard to comprehend, I know!  Their mind is 'crazy'!

They take you on a ride.  They mess you up mentally.

 

3 hours ago, lostforwords11 said:

I actually did ask him if he was just looking for a way out of our relationship. He swore he wasn't and that he was actually looking to stay IN the relationship but couldn't because of what he found out (about me being Lisa). He told me he had bought concert tickets for both of us for the future and presented this as "evidence" of him not trying to just find a way out or making this up to get out of our relationship

This is the way they 'play' 😕 .

The manipulation.. the major 'head games'!!

 

So sorry you've had to endure this crippling drama.  Is really sad you've had to experience all of this.

But, this is how they are.  They love bomb you, they lead you on to drag you in.  Then they totally make you so messed up, you don't know which way is up!  Totally unrealistic.

If Lisa is for real & someone he has encountered, she could possibly be as mentally unstable as he is.  Or, it could just be a buddy, playing her. ( but didn't they meet up on his trip away?)  Or, was this someone different?

As I was reading your story, I got to thinking, he has a thing for her and she has possibly been 'controlling/manipulating' him as well all this time. Is really hard to figure out 😕 .

Either way it will all take time to work yourself back to 'okay' again as you're so mentally messed by this experience and it's how they are.  

So unreal 😕 ... and what ticks me off is how their mind works with other's. It is damaging!  Maybe you can seek some prof help?  I do feel this has messed up up quite a bit.. I know I once was, thankfully I was already in therapy and managed to 'work through' my experiences.

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