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Advice for talking to someone after they ghost you? Any idea what I should expect? Just generally confusing situation?


soufree
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There's this guy who has kind of been casually in my life for the past 2 or so years. At first he was pursuing me but I was kind of mentally elsewhere so wasn't giving him much attention. We hung out a few times and he kissed me once and it was very sweet but then he went away for a while and covid happened so I didn't see him for several months. During covid we would go for walks together and sit outside often. I started having feelings for him but was existing another relationship so it was confusing. However it was kind of perfect in that we weren't at all physically involved (pandemic) but I could spend a lot of time with him while also figuring out my other relationship.

Ultimately I ended my long term relationship and I started hooking up with him right before the summer started. It wasn't smooth. I didn't expect it to be so awkward going from not at all being physical to being able to touch one another but it was odd and I was kind of in an odd place emotionally just having existed a long term relationship. I ended up moving away for the summer (only about an hour or so) and planned to move across the country at the end of the summer. We saw each other occasionally but not much and it was hard for me. I eventually told him I wanted more from the relationship and he said he wasn't willing to put in more effort when it was so difficult and we had such limited time together. 

We hung out a few times after that. I was still very into him and wanted to be around him and he invited me to a few parties at his house and would randomly ask me to do things. I really tried to always go, even though we weren't hooking up, because I just genuinely enjoy spending time with him. Towards the end of the summer he came out to visit me just for a few hours one morning. It was fairly awkward but eventually we kind of got back into the swing of it and had this really beautiful morning together. We didn't hook up but we just kind of held each other for a long time and swam in a river and laughed. He said it was one of the best days he had in a long time. I gave him a poem I wrote about him but he left fairly abruptly once we got back to my house. 

I ended up not moving away and moved back to the city just a few blocks away from him. He invited me to oddly intimate things (dinner at his house, camping, etc) but I wasn't able to do any of them. Eventually I ran into him and invited him over. We had dinner and he was distant. It was very strange. I was under the impression he wanted to resume our relationship based off of when he visited me but he just left after we ate dinner. As he was eating I tried to ask him what was going on and he basically said in the summer we decided not to date because I were leaving and I didn't leave but he still don't want to date. And I said that's fine Im not sure I want to date either. I then explained why I didn't want to date (wanting to set up a life independent of a relationship since I ended up staying in the same place- really wanting to focus on being happy and making friends etc.). I asked him why he didn't want to date and he said because he didn't have romantic feelings for me. 

I was fairly put off by that and kind of surprised but we did end up hooking up. He asked me if I was sure he wasn't going to hurt me and I said it was fine. And it really was fine. It was really nice & I saw him a few days later & it was fine but he was again fairly distant. I tried to kiss him goodbye and he didn't seem comfortable with it. So I tried to back off a little bit. A week or so later I asked him to go to a walk and he said sure but then never answered me asking when. 

It's now 2 months later or so. I don't know how I feel about it. I was surprisingly sad about it and fairly confused. But just started to feel okay about it recently and then of course he texted me last night asking how i was. He immediately dove into it, saying he didn't mean to ghost me but casually hooking up just doesn't work for him but he'd like to catch up. I said okay, Im happy to be his friend and like I wish he hadn't ghosted me but I understand I may have not given him the space to feel comfortable communicating with me or whatever and he said "yeah I just felt like I needed to have a bit of time to sort out thoughts and feelings." but he wants to meet up now. 

I want him bizarrely badly. I think we are great together and I want to respect his wishes obviously, I just feel like he never gave us a chance. But i am so confused at to what to expect when we see each other next. Am I just delusional? Is it unreasonable to try and understand why someone doesn't want to be with you? How do you handle this? 

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6 minutes ago, soufree said:

I asked him why he didn't want to date and he said because he didn't have romantic feelings for me. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately not much you can do about this, so just fade and distance yourself. You need to make new friends and now that you're not in another relationship, you're free to start dating again.

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13 minutes ago, soufree said:

Am I just delusional? Is it unreasonable to try and understand why someone doesn't want to be with you? How do you handle this? 

I wouldnt say delusional, just confused. He never wanted to date you for real, he was fine with hooking up every now and then and still is.

26 minutes ago, soufree said:

"yeah I just felt like I needed to have a bit of time to sort out thoughts and feelings."

Translation for "I had some other girl in the meantime and now I want to hope back in"

If you are fine with just casually hooking up with that guy, sure. But you will never get more from him. As soon as you wanted more, he bailed. Dont expect for him not to do that again. You think he would give you a chance but he literally ghosted you. Why do you believe he will give you anything serious now? Because he remembered you exist? Sorry, but no, that is not how it works. If you are trying for anything serious, dont take that guy back. Because it will only stop you in pursuing anything of substance with somebody else and it will mess you up even further. While he would still casually leave and come back from time to time when he has nothing else on the menu. 

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If you were in a LTR while spending time with someone who had a crush on you, you and your "friend" were both in the wrong. You were crossing boundaries with your bf and your friend was crossing boundaries by pursuing and kissing a taken woman. A guy who pursues a taken woman usually never wants longterm. He likes the fact the woman is involved with another man so he doesn't have to put in the effort a serious relationship would require. So it's no surprise things turned out the way they did.

This "friendship" can't last a lifetime like it could've if it was always a platonic relationship. His new gf won't want you around and communicating with him. Your new love interest will make a quick exit when he finds out you're hanging out with an ex FWB whom you wanted more from. 

Go no contact to put an end to this dead end.

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Advice for talking to someone after they ghost you? 

Sure, mine would be "Don't try to do it."

If someone were to ghost me, that's all I'd need to know about him.

All the wishes in the world won't make someone into a good match. I'd chalk it off as HIS limited vision rather than any reflection on me. Most people will NOT view us through the right lens, and that's why true simpatico is so rare--with lovers and with friends.

That's not a bad thing. It narrows down our playing field to allow ONLY those who 'get you' to become significant in your life.

Creating a fantasy 'around' someone to make them more significant than they are willing to be is not against the law, it's just a form of self-torture for zero payoff. Have you noticed?

Advice from Grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you don't own enough self respect to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."

Head high, and move your focus onto valuing your SELF enough to hold out for the right guy.

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2 hours ago, soufree said:

Is it unreasonable to try and understand why someone doesn't want to be with you? How do you handle this?

I think you have to come to terms with the fact that you may never understand, no matter how hard you try. You just have to learn to accept it. And I think you should work hard to accept it, because he's made his feelings as clear as possible by ignoring you for the last few months. Sorry, kiddo, them's the breaks.

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9 hours ago, soufree said:

I asked him why he didn't want to date and he said because he didn't have romantic feelings for me

I was fairly put off by that and kind of surprised but we did end up hooking up. He asked me if I was sure he wasn't going to hurt me and I said it was fine. And it really was fine. It was really nice & I saw him a few days later & it was fine but he was again fairly distant. I tried to kiss him goodbye and he didn't seem comfortable with it.

I'm sure you realize you two never got to get things rolling at all.  It was off & on.. stuttering.

There's been no real stability, letting this relationship grow into something real & healthy and instead you're both unsettled & uncertain what is going on.. who's going to walk away again, etc.

So, it could possibly lead to nothing due to the instability between you two.

And was no good, him being around you knowing you were still stuck on your ex ( failing relationship), of course you were not in the right 'frame of mind'.  He was more like a rebound.

I say to visit with him again if you choose, just don't expect too much with this.

And should it not go so well, is maybe best to let it be and just move on from this one.

We can only try so hard and if it's not there, nothing anyone can do about it.

 

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Meeting up with him now is a bad idea, OP. 

He is interested in casual fun and hook-ups. You, however, caught feelings for him. He has been clear that he does not share those feelings. It's not that he didn't give it a chance - for him, there just isn't anything to explore there. 

If he respected you, he wouldn't have vanished for months in the first place. As someone else mentioned, he was likely hooking up with someone else then but that's fizzled so he's bouncing back to you now. It's time you realized that this is just never going to happen, and go your separate ways. 

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