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How to get back into track after unfortunate relationships


Buzz86
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It's probably a better idea to start getting to know people in person rather than through social media. Individuals can edit their photos and develop completely different personas online.

Keep it genuine and down to earth offline and spend time in person getting involved with organizations of your choice (volunteer) or talk to your program advisors about extra opportunities on the side.

Perhaps there are tutoring or TA positions or other available opportunities on campus where you may be involved and find enrichment/fulfillment. 

Also, set some limits for yourself in your use online and limit interactions that don't add to your life in any real way. Gossip? Conversations you don't think are of interest to you? Pass. Find other things that interest you and keep yourself motivated. With romance, keep things even simpler and if you gravitate towards individuals who have qualities you like continue doing that. Don't waste your time with people you don't really like in the first place.

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44 minutes ago, Buzz86 said:

One important question. How to deal with the social media pressure? seems like nowadays people are so different in real life than who they show up online.

You deal with it by remaining realistic and know that people on social media are not always what they seem in real life, in person.  Unfortunately, with social media, there's a lot of deception and insincerity so beware. 

Being guarded, wary and jaded are actually protective built-in mechanisms.  Naivete doesn't pay.  Don't be overly trustful because that's what gets you into trouble.  Make sure your radar is up and always listen to your gut instincts and intuition because the majority of time, it's always right.  Take heed. 

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4 hours ago, Buzz86 said:

One important question. How to deal with the social media pressure? seems like nowadays people are so different in real life than who they show up online.

Go through all your social media and clear out the dead weight. Reset ALL your privacy settings so you can control who views your content and who can follow or message you.

Live in real life not through social media. Control your online presence by maintaining self respect and dignity through keeping private.

That means use social media wisely. You can't control the nonsense other people have on their social media but you can control what's on your social media and who can view it. You can also decide how much time to spend viewing it.

Go through your device and app settings. Turn off notifications. Don't let pings run your life. Check social media when you feel like it, not when some device app pings you.

Edited by Wiseman2
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On 12/11/2021 at 9:13 AM, Rose Mosse said:

It's probably a better idea to start getting to know people in person rather than through social media. Individuals can edit their photos and develop completely different personas online.

Keep it genuine and down to earth offline and spend time in person getting involved with organizations of your choice (volunteer) or talk to your program advisors about extra opportunities on the side.

Perhaps there are tutoring or TA positions or other available opportunities on campus where you may be involved and find enrichment/fulfillment. 

Also, set some limits for yourself in your use online and limit interactions that don't add to your life in any real way. Gossip? Conversations you don't think are of interest to you? Pass. Find other things that interest you and keep yourself motivated. With romance, keep things even simpler and if you gravitate towards individuals who have qualities you like continue doing that. Don't waste your time with people you don't really like in the first place.

Hey Rose Mosse, thanks for your suggestions. Good points indeed noted, and I will consider doing them soon. And there's something I'd like to talk about xD. I've been curiously thinking about one of your remarks almost everyday, which was about my genuine intention of getting into a relationship and whether it's to have sex or otherwise. I asked myself sincerely whether it was because of sex or not. Good question.
And the answer was a NO, fortunately. That's because if you really love sb, then you wouldn't let them feel even more vulnerable when you're not sure about their current living situation, whether their fundamental needs (for example, satisfaction with life, success etc.,) are being satisfied (these are just my honest opinion). Culture plays a role at this point.

Anyway. The main thing I afraid of is that I'm extremely picky in real life situation and haven't yet found one that I really would fall for and that's mixed feelings; I want to get into a relationship (not now ofc, plans have been changed) but in the meanwhile I don't find the girl of my dreams and that's frustrating.

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On 12/11/2021 at 9:50 AM, Cherylyn said:

You deal with it by remaining realistic and know that people on social media are not always what they seem in real life, in person.  Unfortunately, with social media, there's a lot of deception and insincerity so beware. 

Being guarded, wary and jaded are actually protective built-in mechanisms.  Naivete doesn't pay.  Don't be overly trustful because that's what gets you into trouble.  Make sure your radar is up and always listen to your gut instincts and intuition because the majority of time, it's always right.  Take heed. 

Done. Seems like people are obessed with social media stuff these days and are putting a lot of effort into making their profiles look "irresistible"(just came across several websites with the tag how to make your profile pic irresistible). I wasn't aware of this as I don't have social media accounts (I'm busy with real life but "had been" obsessed with profile pics). Great points, noted, thanks.

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On 12/11/2021 at 1:22 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Go through all your social media and clear out the dead weight. Reset ALL your privacy settings so you can control who views your content and who can follow or message you.

Live in real life not through social media. Control your online presence by maintaining self respect and dignity through keeping private.

That means use social media wisely. You can't control the nonsense other people have on their social media but you can control what's on your social media and who can view it. You can also decide how much time to spend viewing it.

Go through your device and app settings. Turn off notifications. Don't let pings run your life. Check social media when you feel like it, not when some device app pings you.

That's what I always do. I don't put too much effort on making online things look better, including my profiles.

Notifications are always off even messanger apps (to avoid distraction). The main thing that makes me insecure is that I don't put effort into making my online stuff look better while other people do and I'm a bit hesitant whether what I'm doing is ok. It feels like a race, and not sure who does the right thing.

 

You guys helped me with real life stuff and I put a lot of effort into making my real life personality better by being my real self and really appreciate that. Just the problem with online stuff still persists. I won't be having any problems afterwards. Online stuff are tricky and hard ones because people are putting too much effort into it (and not in real life, that's why it's easier for me to forget real life scenarios unlike the online ones). Maybe cutting down the internet usage? I think so. Let's forget about profiles and stick to real life. I will try using internet only to get what I need to succeed in academic life and music. Legit.

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The bad thing about the last relationship was that the first term in the university was on-campus and I saw a girl and I liked her personality but it was a bit late to initiate something. the next term (which was online) I saw a girl messaging me non-stop and thought that it's the one I liked so I started texting back (and she hadn't had a profile picture of herself) and later on, in the middle, I realized that the girl I'm talking with is not the one I've been looking for! I confused her with someone else! that's why my last relationship turned into shi-t. The last one which I confused with I would say has the most toxic personality in the uni. If I had known it's not the one I'm looking for, I wouldn't have initiated anything. That's what represents as a frustration with myself for what I did. Still couldn't forgive myself for making that silly mistake lol, because that classmate I'm talking about had a terribly toxic personality and I let her cross the boundaries.

Anyway. let's forget it.

Edited by Buzz86
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I never dated online but met many men in person -over 100 -where the first contact was through a dating site.  It was a great way -of several ways -to meet people.  I didn't rely to any real extent on the photos, etc because we met in person ASAP.  In real life.  Then dated in real life if it made sense.  If the photos were inappropriate or repulsive of course I didn't meet the person.

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Posted (edited)
On 12/12/2021 at 8:36 PM, Batya33 said:

I never dated online but met many men in person -over 100 -where the first contact was through a dating site.  It was a great way -of several ways -to meet people.  I didn't rely to any real extent on the photos, etc because we met in person ASAP.  In real life.  Then dated in real life if it made sense.  If the photos were inappropriate or repulsive of course I didn't meet the person.

Got it. I checked stuff here where I live and got to this point that things are complicated here (like I was expecting.) and it's better to forget about things here.

The only trouble I'm in is my colleague which I was in contact with. This semester is conducted online and we both have to be active in a few whatsapp groups. We broke up about 6 months ago. She won't stop trying to grab my attention either way. I tried changing my phone number but didn't work. She hasn't messaged me directly yet since break up but won't stop doing that way.

This behavior won't allow me to recover from the break up and move on. Apparently she doesn't want me to forget her but she's mentally immature (Despite being 24 y.o) and had been toxic to me.

I don't want to message her directly either, but I would like to know how to make her stop acting that way and move on forever? NOT a good case for me. She has to deal with her own issues alone, I'm not her doctor (previously I mentioned that she's suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts.)

Thinking of messaging her directly on telegram telling her that I'm no longer interested in anything and asking her to leave me alone. Is it ok? Wanna move on quickly. I have to focus on my study.

 

She wants me to chase her because this feeds her ego, nothing else. A terribly rude and toxic person. Feeling sorry for myself for wasting my valuable time and energy at that point. Anyway, do you guys have any ideas how to do that? How to tell her stop without doing anything that would break her heart?

Edited by Buzz86
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If and when she messages you directly simply do not respond.  If she escalates -shows up where you are, etc you can deal with that then.  Do you think she is familiar with community or college resources for mental health issues?

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8 hours ago, Buzz86 said:

Thinking of messaging her directly on telegram telling her that I'm no longer interested in anything and asking her to leave me alone. 

Make 2022 the year you let go and free yourself from this.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

You're still trying to control her to manage your obsession with this. Leave her alone. Stop stalking and do not keep trying to contact her for a reaction.

You're in a power struggle in your head. Do not stalk or harass her with telegrams telling her to leave you alone. You're the one not leaving someone alone by doing this.

If the obsessing persists, see your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Make 2022 the year you let go and free yourself from this.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

You're still trying to control her to manage your obsession with this. Leave her alone. Stop stalking and do not keep trying to contact her for a reaction.

You're in a power struggle in your head. Do not stalk or harass her with telegrams telling her to leave you alone. You're the one not leaving someone alone by doing this.

If the obsessing persists, see your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Indeed my thought process is something like this for now, just like you said. I'm aware of that stupid mistake I would commit and would like to simply stay away from her, focusing on my study.
Things didn't go well when it was supposed to be, so I'm not gonna waste my time and YOU guys' time with this anymore 😂 Simply ignoring her and forgetting the patterns no block needed. I haven't blocked anybody up until now and don't want to do this because it's just obsession and indicating that I actually care. let it go. If by any chance I see her trying to approach, I will report her behavior to the security office of the university.

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

If and when she messages you directly simply do not respond.  If she escalates -shows up where you are, etc you can deal with that then.  Do you think she is familiar with community or college resources for mental health issues?

She's trying in a way that allows me to approach her/chase her. I wouldn't at all even dream that she would initiate something in this case; now. She behaves like a psycho/narcissistic person.

 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Do you think she is familiar with community or college resources for mental health issues?

Not at all. The last time I heard from her was that she's taking antidepressants. There's nothing I could do. I tried my best by providing ways to help her study better and grow as a person.

@Wiseman2The only reason that makes me reluctant of doing anything that would stop this completely is that her personality has changed a lot. But I would like to see how a healthy relationship looks like, therefore I'm trying my best to completely forget about her. Let's act indifferent. She will have to forget about me when she sees me moving on.

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On 1/2/2022 at 4:16 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Make 2022 the year you let go and free yourself from this.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

You're still trying to control her to manage your obsession with this. Leave her alone. Stop stalking and do not keep trying to contact her for a reaction.

You're in a power struggle in your head. Do not stalk or harass her with telegrams telling her to leave you alone. You're the one not leaving someone alone by doing this.

If the obsessing persists, see your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Blocked; done.

And meanwhile, I realized that she's blocked me again as well. I have two phone numbers and realized that she's blocked my main number as I'm seeing "last seen a long time ago" on the main one and "last seen recently" on the other one.

Didn't want to do this but I don't want to give her any chance to approach in the future(I don't like the block games).

Thanks so much for your help. Just a question. What's next? 

I'm actually glad that she's blocked me too because this gives me more freedom and a better chance to move on. Right now I'm feeling becoming my true self again which is imo a lovely person!

Dunno why but right now I smiled without any proper reason (like always I used to do before this relationship), feeling relaxed and content (but yet definitely in shock since everything happened so quickly that I couldn't completely get over it.)

The good thing is that now I can meet people of high quality, without any 3rd grade mind games:)

I have to fix a few mind-patterns that have been left from the relationship. Will have to find new activities and interests to follow.

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On 12/12/2021 at 7:57 AM, Buzz86 said:

Hey Rose Mosse, thanks for your suggestions. Good points indeed noted, and I will consider doing them soon. And there's something I'd like to talk about xD. I've been curiously thinking about one of your remarks almost everyday, which was about my genuine intention of getting into a relationship and whether it's to have sex or otherwise. I asked myself sincerely whether it was because of sex or not. Good question.
And the answer was a NO, fortunately. That's because if you really love sb, then you wouldn't let them feel even more vulnerable when you're not sure about their current living situation, whether their fundamental needs (for example, satisfaction with life, success etc.,) are being satisfied (these are just my honest opinion). Culture plays a role at this point.

Anyway. The main thing I afraid of is that I'm extremely picky in real life situation and haven't yet found one that I really would fall for and that's mixed feelings; I want to get into a relationship (not now ofc, plans have been changed) but in the meanwhile I don't find the girl of my dreams and that's frustrating.

Pardon. I don’t think I mentioned anything about sex. It must have been someone else. These are all good points of reflection. 

Regarding your colleague, do you work closely together? Or in other words, require communication to complete tasks or things needed for your job? If the answer is no, mute her and let the messages go unread. You can check them next year in 2023 if you like. Don’t let it be an issue.

Document instances and leave the messages as is that are unprofessional in private in case you’ll need that if anyone goes the sexual harassment route at work. 

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Posted (edited)
11 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Pardon. I don’t think I mentioned anything about sex. It must have been someone else. These are all good points of reflection. 

Regarding your colleague, do you work closely together? Or in other words, require communication to complete tasks or things needed for your job? If the answer is no, mute her and let the messages go unread. You can check them next year in 2023 if you like. Don’t let it be an issue.

Document instances and leave the messages as is that are unprofessional in private in case you’ll need that if anyone goes the sexual harassment route at work. 

She's my classmate (yep, sry my mistake). I'm no longer worried about her behavior because I've found the root of the problem and that she will NEVER do anything serious because of the following. She had been extremely hurt by her parents and ex-bf and she's been "heavily guarded". That was where conflictions started. I felt that my feelings are not being reciprocated and she was unaware of that. In addition to that I realized that she's a misandrist. It's frustrating. I could clearly see that in her behavior. She would argue with anybody including other females. And the reason I'm obsessed with this is that I still couldn't forgive myself for letting her in and letting her come so much close.

So, yes. She's scared and won't approach whatever. I see obvious signs that she's changed her overall behavior. I guess now she's got a sense of how politely she should behave and how to respect people genuinely.

This case is closed for me now, for real. Will take some time to completely get over this one; trying to break the obsessive thought patterns.

I'm focusing on my study right now and I'm not biased toward anything and won't let this unfortunate relationship affect my future relationships. I just checked and my female classmates are very polite and respectful that I enjoy talking to them stress-free.

Thanks so much everybody and thank you Rose for letting me re-think my defined principles of love.
 

Not sure if I can close the topic.

Edited by Buzz86
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4 hours ago, Buzz86 said:

She's my classmate (yep, sry my mistake). I'm no longer worried about her behavior because I've found the root of the problem and that she will NEVER do anything serious because of the following. She had been extremely hurt by her parents and ex-bf and she's been "heavily guarded". That was where conflictions started. I felt that my feelings are not being reciprocated and she was unaware of that. In addition to that I realized that she's a misandrist. It's frustrating. I could clearly see that in her behavior. She would argue with anybody including other females. And the reason I'm obsessed with this is that I still couldn't forgive myself for letting her in and letting her come so much close.

So, yes. She's scared and won't approach whatever. I see obvious signs that she's changed her overall behavior. I guess now she's got a sense of how politely she should behave and how to respect people genuinely.

This case is closed for me now, for real. Will take some time to completely get over this one; trying to break the obsessive thought patterns.

I'm focusing on my study right now and I'm not biased toward anything and won't let this unfortunate relationship affect my future relationships. I just checked and my female classmates are very polite and respectful that I enjoy talking to them stress-free.

Thanks so much everybody and thank you Rose for letting me re-think my defined principles of love.
 

Not sure if I can close the topic.

She has issues but avoid these labels ie misandrist. Assuming these labels and ideas about people can often cause more misunderstandings. I’m glad you are stepping away from this with a clearer mind. 

Good luck with your coursework and do your best. Things will fall into place. I know people hate when others say that (too positive this too positive that) but I’m too old to give a crap. It really does. Keep your chin up and stay focused on what you need to do. 

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