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What should I do in this situation??


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Over 3 years ago (2018)  I had lent my Harry Potter book collection to one of my close friends. She was going through a bad breakup, she loved to read and I thought this would cheer her up .It's important to mention that they were brand new and were gifted to me so had sentimental value, but I didn't mind lending it to a close friend. 

However we drifted apart. I mean she got married, and had a kid recently. We just met up like 4 times in 3 years. 

So last November I asked for them back and she said she's sorry she thought they were a gift and gave them to her sister who studies abroad?! When I clearly mentioned back then "these are a gift from my ex and they're brand new keep them safe and whenever you're ready you can give them back" I certainly didn't mean 3 years later.Plus it was her bday week so I had gifted her something completely different. 

I told her sorry you must've misunderstood and she said she will ask her sister to bring them back when she comes to the country or replace them for me.

Okay literally 10 months later  her sister comes back and stays for around a month then leaves again 

So I texted her on insta asking about her and her family and then proceed to question about the books bc I acc need them. And she only says don't be disappointed my sis forgot them 

I'm so angry and disappointed I genuinely can't wrap my head around it 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

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2 hours ago, sarahev said:

However we drifted apart. I mean she got married, and had a kid recently. We just met up like 4 times in 3 years. 

 clearly mentioned back then "these are a gift from my ex 

What's really bothering you about this? Certainly not an easily replaceable book set you haven't used or missed for years.

Are you dating again? What happened with your ex? Why now after years of estrangement is this book set a point of contention?

Are you upset she's happily married with a family and you're still ruminating about a gift from an ex?

Stop and reflect why this is a problem now.

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The whole point of mentioning it was gifted to me by an ex is that it had sentimental value. That's why I don't want them replaced  

The point was that were super estranged and im bitter about the disrespect from her side that doesn't mean I'm upset that she's married and all she's much older than me and I'm genuinely very happy for her on that matter 

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14 minutes ago, sarahev said:

The post is only about the books 

Okey dokey. Buy new books and delete and block this former friend.

Don't lend people stuff. See a physician about your anger and mood issues and get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support to heal from the loss of some replaceable books.

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4 hours ago, sarahev said:

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

I get that you're annoyed. But you should chalk this whole situation up to experience and move on. Lesson: don't lend things out if they have sentimental value. It could ruin an otherwise good friendship.

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You know the old saying, never a lender or borrower be?

That applies here. You made a mistake lending something of sentimental value.

It sounds like it ruined your friendship. because you have resentment now and the only way to fix it would be to tell her to replace them. 

Do you want to do that?

It was careless of her and equally careless to brush it off, like don't be disappointed she forgot them. 

So I think you have to tell her flat out... I don't like the way you handled this and I want the volumes back/replaced.

Or you could decide to just replace them yourself and let it go. 

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You need to learn to not lend anything to anyone ever again.  That is the big take-away from this.

You can buy more books as it's 99% likely you will. never get the originals back.

Since you are so PO'd about this, block and delete this person for good and move on.  You cant do anything about this.

 

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Get the sisters info and have her ship them to you.  It is that simple.

  Getting and staying angry over a set of books is counterproductive.  She gave them away so accept that, they are far enough away so you cannot drive and pick them up so accept that and you left them with this close friend for 3 years so accept that.

You could have mentioned getting them back during one of the 4 times you saw/spoke to her but you didn't.

  Make arrangements to have them shipped back to you or let it go.  Those are your choices.

Staying mad at this ex close friend does nothing but hurt you.

 Lost

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Seeing it took you over three years to inquire about the books, it would make sense that one might think you didn't care all that much about them.   That would be my interpretation.

If some things hold high value to you you don't wait over 3 years to retrieve them and then act surprised when they are gone.

Either don't lend things or if they are important to you, you share that information up front and be firm about the timeline in which you want them returned.

You and your friend had different experiences and expectations.  I don't think it makes her a bad person.  Merely a misunderstanding.  I wouldn't let it ruin a friendship.

Edited by reinventmyself
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Just message her sister and tell her that these books have sentimental value and that you really want them back and could she please ship them to you. Offer to pay shipping costs. Done.

Other than that, take away a lesson to never lend things unless you are willing to lose them. 

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This one is hard to learn, especially when we attach the value of people to things. I suffer greatly from this. I understand. 
 

But just understand you will always have the memories of your ex, they are not contained in the books. The people are important, not things. Just ask yourself if you want to lose a friend over memories you already possess. 

Edited by Seraphim
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1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

Seeing it took you over three years to inquire about the books, it would make sense that one might think you didn't care all that much about them. 

Agree. It's interesting that suddenly they are so precious and as important as jewelry or a family heirloom.

Moreover why would a gift from an ex even be important? Many people sell/give away/throw that stuff out when they breakup.

It would cost you a lot less than shipping heavy books overseas and be a lot less headaches if you just bought another set.

But for whatever reason you're stuck on demonizing this friend for stuff you haven't given a hoot about in 3 years.

You have a bone to pick with her hence the impossible situation you're creating. She's happily married and you're worried about stuff from an ex? Reflect.

Edited by Wiseman2
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13 hours ago, sarahev said:

we drifted apart. I mean she got married, and had a kid recently. We just met up like 4 times in 3 years.

I'm curious why you didn't ask about them until last year. 

I agree that she should have given them back or replaced them, but you seem to be holding on to some other resentment towards her as well. 

Are you angry at her for reasons unrelated to these books? 

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I'm sorry for your understandable bitterness and resentment, sarahev.

I naively lent items to neighbors and friends long ago much to my chagrin. ☹️

I empathize because I've experienced what you've experienced.  I know how you feel. 

Since you've explained to your friend that you were lending the HP books to her and gave her a separate birthday gift, your friend was wrong.  She should've been a moral person by returning the books to you in mint condition and thanked you graciously.  You shouldn't have to remind her to return the books to you. 

Consider the books as a permanent loss.  No sense hounding your friend about the books.  You can attempt to retrieve the books from her sister but be prepared for the hassle and those books may not be returned to you in new condition.   

I'm sorry, sarahev.  This was a harsh lesson learned.  Don't allow people to borrow anything from you because most likely they'll either "forget" to return items to you, return items which obviously look used, scratched, worn, scuffed, gauged, thrashed or trashed as this had been my past experience.  Borrowers tend to treat your items roughly.  I was sorely disappointed and angry whenever borrowers returned my precious items in beat up condition.

I too have been very angry and disappointed.  You wrap your head around it by learning people's foibles.  It doesn't mean you tolerate people's foibles.  Become aware and navigate yourself shrewdly in the future.  I've since learned to say "no" a lot.  I'm not as innocent and generous as I once was due to negative experiences.  I keep my stuff in mint condition because I don't allow others to borrow my possessions.  My well tended items sentimental or not, never leave my house. 

When I was a child, I lent expensive, very exquisite and unique toys and dolls to my close neighborhood friend.  These gifts were from my late father's foreign travels.  I hounded my friend to return my precious toys and dolls and when she finally returned them, they were soiled, tattered to shreds and permanently ruined.  I was so angry and disappointed.  My father vowed never to buy unique toys and dolls from his foreign travels again and he stood by his promise.  It was a very harsh lesson.  I learned never to innocently allow others to borrow my possessions again.  I had never forgotten.  Despite this bad experience, I resumed my friendship with this neighbor friend.  I didn't trust her anymore nor did I allow her to borrow my things yet we still maintained our childhood friendship. 

If this book incident was your friend's only transgression, I wouldn't allow these books to cost your friendship.  If she's a dear friend in general, she should be worth keeping in your life.  Believe me, I've had far worse, very cruel offenses inflicted upon me by various people in my life such as relatives, extended relatives, in-laws, neighbors, friends, acquaintances and former colleagues.  (Mental instability, physical / mental abuse, emotionally charged, lack of emotional intelligence, impulsive anger, chronic gaslighting, habitual obnoxious rudeness, inappropriate behaviors, lying, deceit, betrayal, harassment, etc.  Those types of horrific offenses are permanent deal breakers.) 

If this book issue is the only fault between you and your friend, I'd let it go and learn to forgive her.  Forgive doesn't mean forget nor condone.  Forgive doesn't mean you didn't learn anything.  Forgive doesn't mean not enforcing new boundaries for yourself.  Forgive doesn't mean you're a lender again in the future.  Forgive doesn't mean you give free excuses for other people's bad behavior or oversights.  Forgive means to move on by not continuing to hold onto grudges forever. 

Yes, you're angry and disappointed.  Don't stew over this because your friendship is worth more than HP books.  Books are replaceable.  Save your money and buy new HP books.  I know the original set was sentimental.  Books are replaceable.  Friendships are not replaceable.  It's your decision regarding your choice to salvage this friendship or become permanently estranged due to your bad experience with lending books to your friend.  If I were you, I'd be the bigger person and not hold it against your friend about the books.  Be gracious and move forward with the friendship.  This new, gracious behavior of yours will demonstrate your maturity.  Don't dredge up the book memory to your friend.  Put the past behind you for yourself and your friend. 

Start fresh.  Change your dynamics with this friend.  Be careful and learn to protect yourself.  Don't be too personally nice.  Be superficially nice if you wish to retain this friend.  You can still be kind without being overly nice and keep a safe distance.  Navigate yourself wisely. 

Your key takeaway is still being a friend while not trusting others 100%.  Be more cautious in the future with your decision making and actions and you will be OK.  Don't fret.  Live and learn.

 

 

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35 minutes ago, gamon said:

When you lend something whether it's an item or money do it with the expectation that you will never see it again.

 

 

This is why I never  lend items nor money to anyone.  Let the borrower go to the library or bank.  I don't get involved.  I stay out of it.  It's not my problem.

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My husband has a big trailer like you can put a car on to move it.  He is a kind, generous person and that kindness and generosity bites him in the butt too often.

A neighbour borrowed that trailer a couple of times and brought it back in good time.  Then he borrowed it for "an hour" to take something to the dump.  Well 3 days later it was not back and I was mad.  I went to his house and he wasn't home so I taped a note to his front door telling him we needed the trailer back.  The next day he brought it back and it wasl full of leaves and broken glass!  He didnt even sweep it out.  That was it, I am not one to lend things to begin with but my husband was and he finally saw that this guy takes advantage of people and that this has to end.  A year or so later he came by wanting to borrow the trailer!  Luckily it wasn't here at the time and I said so, and then added we dont lend things anymore.  He left and hasn't come back since.  That was about 2 yrs ago.  Just done lend things to others that you expect to get back.  Which is everything you have.

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If you truly do not care for this friend anymore, then part ways permanently.  Some people are very unreliable, distrustful and flaky.  If you prefer more conscientious, responsible friends, this friend is not for you otherwise you risk getting disappointed in the future for whatever reason. 

Usually, whenever I've had very negative experiences with people, I'm done.  I don't take chances anymore with them and move on.  I've since learned to protect myself better by only associating with honorable people who treat me with consideration and respect.  Everyone else doesn't deserve to be in my life. 

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I think you know better now with this friend in particular and to be a bit more cautious with items that have sentimental value. I'd be upset as well because your friend didn't seem to care much in the aftermath despite it being a misunderstanding. It's not necessarily about the books but how your friend treated you. 

Don't give up on everyone or cease lending items to people, just be a little more cautious in future. 

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