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Should I visit his profile again?


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Hi. I'm F49, never-married. I'm average/pleasant looking, good stable job, nice personality (generally get along with people, have interests, have friends, not a recluse). A bit on the quiet side but I have social skills 🙂

About 5 months ago, I connected with a man my age on a dating app. We had a lot in common, he too was never married, good job, attractive but not George Clooney-ish.  Same level of education as me

 We talked for a few weeks, then he said he just wanted to be friends.  I was disappointed because I thought he was my needle in a haystack and we had some interesting convos! He was nice and I appreciated that he didnt ghost me.   However, I noticed that he would continue to visit my profile from time to time, for about 2 months after we stopped contact. I went to a wedding after the lockdown ended so I put up some more recent nicer pics where I'm dolled up (hair done, make up, nice dress).  I sent him a friendly hello text around that time (maybe 2 months later) - he responded right away, said hello, but lukewarm, a convo did not continue.

I've tried to stop thinking about him. I've been on other sites with zero matches/emails/dates/visits to my profile. This has upset me a bit- like, what's wrong with me? Btw, I'm not caucasian.  I probably look "ethnically ambiguous" based on my pic.  The guy knew my ethnicity,  and didn't seem to have a problem (he wasnt caucasian either, but we were both born in N. America).

Ok  so I'm now on the verge of stopping the online thing due to my bad luck (I was online pre-covid but no cigar).  Is the any harm in visiting this man's profile again, one last time, just to see if he visits my profile as a result, likes my new pics, and reconsiders? I'll be 50 soon. I look younger.  I wont text him, just visit to see what happens. 

Or am I setting myself up for hurt and disappointment?

I should add, I've never had luck in the relationship department.  I've only had a few serious relationships,  the last one was 9 year ago (but I've been on dates since then as I dont want to give up).

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You're setting yourself up for hurt and disappointment.

He's not interested.

Please accept this, and move on.

Don't give up entirely on dating though, try to meet someone in other areas. Meetup.com, take a class like painting, pottery, photography and see if you can meet someone with common interests.

Join a local dating site so you can meet up with someone near by.

And finally, ask friends if they know of anyone decent who may be single and around your age.

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First off there is nothing wrong with you! 

You are probably feeling a little desperate. Like he's the last man on earth. 

I would not visit his profile again or do anything related to him. Accept he just wants friendship.  Don't make a man tell you this twice. 

Focus more on accepting that there is something wrong with him and forget it. For whatever reason.... people reject other people because of themselves.  The limits they have with themselves. 

What's going on with you that are not appreciative of what sounds like an otherwise pleasant life? 

It's not a crime to be single. Just because you haven't met the guy, doesn't mean you won't. 

It's hard to attract abundance when you're feeling lack.  Instead of saying what's wrong with me,  as if that is helpful...

write in your journal.... think of things from an empowered perspective. What could you do that would broaden your social circle?

Get some new ideas. Change up your dating profile wording.  I saw on a talk show that you should change your wording at least every two weeks to keep your profile popping up in the algorithms. 

I don't know if that's true or not.

Keep your profile going but don't bank on it. Start getting coffee at a new place. Do something in your daily routine differently. Change prompts more change 

Don't give up! ❤

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1 hour ago, Mini Mina said:

  so I'm now on the verge of stopping the online thing due to my bad luck (I was online pre-covid but no cigar).  Is the any harm in visiting this man's profile again, one last time, just to see if he visits my profile as a result, likes my new pics, and reconsiders?

No, just leave him alone now. You have already reached out again & no positive result.  Respectfully walk away.

No reason to just end things online due to this.  The first person you meet is most likely not the one for you.. so, just because he pulled away, does not mean there's anything wrong with you... is just what you felt & what felt were not the same.. Is very normal.

I've been online a long while & have also met up with a few over the yrs, sadly none really flourished for me since I was first married for almost 10 yrs.

As we get older, it can become harder to find something successful.  I learned is often due to the baggage of those our age and all we have been through, which causes many to be overly cautious.

So, just take it easy with no huge expectations. Give it all time. You never know, one day you may just find someone again, to your liking and they'll feel much the same.

 

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Did you ever meet? I'm reading that you both "connected" and were talking for a few weeks without meeting. I call these chat or text buddies. Shut that down or let the other person know that you're not into texting endlessly. Meet within the first week of a match and weed out the non-options. He has told you that he just wanted to be friends so goodness knows what he ever intended or intends on that app. 

Get rid of his contact and delete the match. Take a break if you're feeling burnt out with online dating. Enjoy real life meetings and joining some groups in person.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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There’s no point visiting his profile, no. 

He’s visited yours and you even reached out to him…but nothing came of it. He’s not interested so dropping by his profile isn’t going to change things.

I know it’s disappointing but this is just not your guy. 

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Ok. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps. 

Have a strategy. That means exchange a few messages then meet in person for a low-key coffee in a timely fashion.

Texting and social media views is not dating. Don't tolerate lame interaction like that, just delete, block, move on.

Anyone, like this man, who messages for weeks but won't meet is a red flag. Stop putting all your eggs in one basket and getting stuck there.

Make sure you review and set your matching criteria to realistic parameters as far as distance, age and other preferences.

Try not to sell yourself too hard or date from a defensive (such as I have no luck,etc) position.

Get all your data first. First, last name, town profession, etc and do your homework. Google prospective dates. 

Most of all avoid burnout by investing way too much in men who won't meet.

Make sure you're on quality apps. Make sure you are open but realistic. Make sure you are upbeat and your profile sounds more confident. Not this "no luck, poor me" mentality.

Edited by Wiseman2
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I don't know what site you are on but you should suspend your profile/hide it for a while and take a break.  Constantly doing old can burn you out so take a break and try in real life like was suggested.

 I agree you should meet sooner than later if possible.  Texting or even talking on the phone is not the same as meeting in person for coffee.

Do you send out messages to men you would like to meet?  If not why?  There is nothing wrong with a woman sending a man a message.  When doing old I frequently get messages from women and I don't think it is to forward or wrong.

Lost 

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With the dismal pickings on dating sites, I can understand the disappointment when you connect with a seemingly decent one and he's not interested for whatever reason.  But chasing him after he's been clear it won't go anywhere is not the answer.  If there's a way to block him so you won't be tempted, I'd do that.  Good suggestions in above posts as far as potentially meeting someone IRL.  

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I agree with meeting in person ASAP in the future.  You know let's say all of a sudden he had responded and asked you to meet in person when you posted different photos - would you really have felt comfortable with that change of heart based on photos? I mean sure if someone loses 100 pounds or hasn't seen someone in years and now has better hair products (which helped me so much in the dating arena -better hair products starting in the early 2000s) - but you really think a guy who is not interested in meeting you will jump at the chance because you posted dolled up photos? 

I checked many men's profiles when I was seriously dating my future husband.  Why? Because I didn't realize they would know and I was checking on behalf of friends who asked me to check and say what I thought of a profile (yes, my future husband knew -but neither of us knew these men knew I'd viewed their profile). 

Viewing your profile means nothing at all -it's just passive clicking.  I viewed my ex boyfriend's profile on Linkedin totally by accident -his profile was right next to a suggested one and I clicked on him by accident. So he invited me to link in and I accepted.  We had no other contact. It really means nothing, I'm sorry.

I like the suggestions made as far as if you would like to meet and date people.  I married at 42 and wanted to be married from the time I was about 20 so I get that it's really hard to meet people.  Good luck!

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Don't give up, but also don't linger too long over one person like you are now. Take him at his word: he's not interested. Don't make up stories that he's a needle in a haystack. There are many other suitable guys out there but you'll never see them as long as you keep mooning over this one. Go ahead and click on his profile. It doesn't matter. Free yourself from this unhealthy preoccupation. Nothing is wrong with you. Get back out there.

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These are all helpful replies, and allowed me to see things more clearly.  Grasping at straws isnt healthy.  I'm still a bit sad as deep down, I feel that the pickings are slim and this was a good catch.  But perhaps, not enough to sacrifice my self-worth.  Plus, i think i did have a few niggles that he had some issues, quirks and quarks!

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3 hours ago, Mini Mina said:

I feel that the pickings are slim and this was a good catch

That's the thing, though - you didn't know him. 

On the surface he appeared fine, and maybe he is, but unless and until you spend time with someone in person there is no way of knowing what sort of catch they are. 

And if it were really a match, well, this thread wouldn't exist because he'd be feeling it too. 

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11 hours ago, Mini Mina said:

These are all helpful replies, and allowed me to see things more clearly.  Grasping at straws isnt healthy.  I'm still a bit sad as deep down, I feel that the pickings are slim and this was a good catch.  But perhaps, not enough to sacrifice my self-worth.  Plus, i think i did have a few niggles that he had some issues, quirks and quarks!

Pickings are slim. I dated until I was 39.  But a good catch has to also be good for you- not just right on paper.  He wasn't.  Obviously a good catch is not someone you have to sacrifice your self worth for -that makes no sense, right? 

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6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Pickings are slim. I dated until I was 39.  But a good catch has to also be good for you- not just right on paper.  He wasn't.  Obviously a good catch is not someone you have to sacrifice your self worth for -that makes no sense, right? 

I definitely should not have to sacrifice my self-worth, no.  I'm glad I didnt.  The lockdown put an 18 month end to dating activities...so I feel that given my age I'm now in a post-lockdown disadvantage.  Perhaps,  that's why I couldn't let go of this so-called "catch".  Like I alluded to, he did have some oddities which I kept sweeping under the rug (because who doesnt at this age, right?)

I've been able to process everything much more rationally in the last few days.  I'm better than this.

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1 hour ago, Mini Mina said:

I definitely should not have to sacrifice my self-worth, no.  I'm glad I didnt.  The lockdown put an 18 month end to dating activities...so I feel that given my age I'm now in a post-lockdown disadvantage.  Perhaps,  that's why I couldn't let go of this so-called "catch".  Like I alluded to, he did have some oddities which I kept sweeping under the rug (because who doesnt at this age, right?)

I've been able to process everything much more rationally in the last few days.  I'm better than this.

I think you’re overthinking.  It’s common sense.  How can someone be a good match for you if you have to sacrifice your self worth? Don’t sweep oddities under the rug at any age.  And don’t decline to get to know someone because they’re not arm candy or they don’t have precisely all of your preferences.  Common sense.  Nothing to do with age. Yes age matters. A man who wants biological kids is unlikely to choose you.  A man who wants someone who has been married or in a like married relationship before age 49 is not going to choose you.  But no you don’t settle because of your age. 

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