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I Don't Want Her Back but I Do Want Her Back.... Uggh!


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I dated my (now) ex for 2 years. She lived 2 hours away so most of our time was spent by phone/text etc.

I knew she loved me more than I loved her. I was always the one in control. If we ever fought or didn't talk for a few days, it didn't bother me. I kind-of always knew she wanted me more. Not that I treated her badly but I always enjoyed being the one with a little more 'power'. 

However, during the summer we started fighting more and not talking as much. But it didn't bother me too much and we'd easily go a few days without texting or calling, then start chatting again. 

At the beginning of August we got in to a big fight over text and broke up. We didn't talk for a month. Then mid-September she sent me a message apologising for treating me badly when we last spoke and how it had ended. I called her straight away thinking we'd just make up like always and get back to life together. But this time it was different. She was crying, saying she didn't want to get back together. I agreed and ended the call. But as I was ending the call, my heart began to sink. 

For the next 3 weeks, my heart screamed for her. She was all I could think about. We'd 'broken up' before and it didn't bother me, but this time it felt real. And I was devastated. All I could think about was her. 

Then low and behold, last week I'm in bed scrolling on Tinder and who pops up!! We match and within 5 minutes she's on the phone and we're having the best conversation for over 2 hours. We get back together and this time I decide to make sure that she knows just how much I love her, thinking the break up was what I needed to realise just how much she meant to me. This time I was going to make it work. I even started to make plans for us and wanted to make sure everything was perfect. 

The next night, we're on the phone and I tell her just happy I am that we're back together but I notice a change in her tone. The conversation slowly turns and she breaks up with me. "She's not ready to give me what I want." From making date and holiday plans to breaking up with the space of an hour. 

So here I am, broken-hearted, not knowing where to turn. I want to move on from this mess, but she's all I can think about. 

Is this about power? Why did it never bother me when I was the one in control, and then as soon as I see that she's lost interest, I start to pay more attention, leading to her treating me worse and breaking up with me. 

I don't want her back, but I do want her back and my heart is smashed.

Do I only want her so badly because she doesn't want me? Does she not want me because she knows how much I want her, but as soon as I disappear again for a few weeks she'll come back? I know there's no future in it, so why do I want to be with her so badly? Why is human psychology so weird!?

Rob 

 

Edited by Rob1000
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Unless you want her back 1000% and you're sure that you've changed and she has changed such that the ways in which you were incompatible won't rear their ugly heads, then do not.  I think this is your ego feeling bruised given your quick about face.  You liked being in control -it was safe - you didn't have to risk your heart.

It's silly to get back together so soon when both of you were so recently on tinder on the hunt for other people and you wanted to end things.  I am married to my ex fiancee.  We got back together after almost 8 years apart.  We both changed and grew.  We were now compatible.  We wanted to get back together 100% and see if this time we would get married.  Even with that it wasn't easy.  We were good together but relationships take work and we were lucky that we didn't have baggage from our breakup that interfered with our relationship.  

I'd move on for at least a year.  In a year if you're then sure you want her back 1000% and you can see exactly how you have changed -not just "I miss her" - contact her and see if she is then interested and available.

Edited by Batya33
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1 hour ago, Rob1000 said:

I always enjoyed being the one with a little more 'power'. 

Do I only want her so badly because she doesn't want me?

It's quite possible given that you no longer have the "power" you craved  more than her.

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1 hour ago, Rob1000 said:

Is this about power? Why did it never bother me when I was the one in control, and then as soon as I see that she's lost interest, I start to pay more attention, leading to her treating me worse and breaking up with me. 

No, I don't see this as all about power ( Maybe in your eyes), but the whole experience has proven a few things.

We cannot control others.  Your communication lacked with being at such a distance and the way to solve a problem is not ignorance.

Avoiding someone ( your partner) for a matter of days, does NOT solve the problems.

I feel YOU felt the pains in the end, because your 'comfort' within this relationship had ended.  You were no longer able to ignore or avoid her, assuming she'd come around again- then.. Nothing! 😕 . It's done. This is just what YOU got used to... but in reality, all of this is damaging to people. ( the push/ pull).

Now, yes, you have no more control.

So, is best to respectfully back off and you BOTH need to stop this occasional contact and just be free of it, totally now!

It was a like a slow release..right?

And now YOU need to work on accepting what is.  That this is not working out. And it will hurt a while, before you can work on accepting/healing over this whole experience.

 

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3 hours ago, Rob1000 said:

knew she loved me more than I loved her. I was always the one in control. If we ever fought or didn't talk for a few days, it didn't bother me

It hurts to be on the other side, huh? That's very selfish from your end fyi she deserves to be with someone who wants her and loves her equally from day 1.

Now the damage and hurt has been done. It'd be toxic to get back together. You need to cease contact, let go and reap your lessons.

It's okay. It gets better with time.

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She was right to break up with you for good. You would have enjoyed the ego boost of getting her back for a while, then you would have gone right back to feeling blase about her. That absolutely would have happened.

Do not contact her anymore. You two are incompatible and need to go your separate ways.

Then maybe think about why your ego is steering your ship. What's more important to you, love or "power"?

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She loved you and gave you her best. You were too busy playing insecure power games and so you taught her the hard way that she doesn't need you and that her life is better without you and your power games in it. So she dumped you and there is way too much damage and toxic water under that bridge to come back from. 

Lesson learned I hope. Next time show a woman you care and stay consistent with that. If you don't care, then be kind and break up asap so she can find someone who does care about her. When you jerk people around showing them how you don't care, eventually they'll stop caring about you too. A case of fck around and find out.... so now you know how that game plays out. Do better and be better and get over your insecurities before you attempt to date again.

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On 10/11/2021 at 8:36 AM, Rob1000 said:

I don't want her back, but I do want her back and my heart is smashed.

Do I only want her so badly because she doesn't want me? Does she not want me because she knows how much I want her, but as soon as I disappear again for a few weeks she'll come back? I know there's no future in it, so why do I want to be with her so badly? Why is human psychology so weird!?

Not so weird but more predictable. You weren't in love with her so let it rest there. Meeting her on Tinder must have been a mixture of emotions. Just let it pass and move on.

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