I’m trying to reconnect with my sister

[Latina_Metal_Chick]

My older sister (34 f) went through a divorce earlier this year. The divorce happened because of her cheating with a coworker. Last summer (2020) she confided in me that she was seeing this other man. I told her she was wrong and needed to end it. I said if she wanted to see other people her and her husband needed to divorce. It was the first of a lot of arguments she and I would have over the course of the next year.

The more I found out about this guy the leas I thought the was a good person. He was married, had two kids and was 47. I tried to stay as uninvolved in my sister’s drama as I could but she would often ask me to watch me two nieces (ages 7 and 4). She’d try to talk to me about this wonderful man she was seeing but I had no interest in him at all. I thought a married guy thirteen years older than her was not the Prince Charming she thought he was.

I understood that her marriage to her ex bust was often times rough but I thought her choice of a new person wasn’t the best. As much as I could I avoided talking about him with her. We had one huge argument about him back around the Fourth of July when she wanted to bring him to my parents for a party.

My dad and mom are a pretty socially conservative Puerto Rican couple and they don’t like the fact that my sister and her new guy were both married when they got together. They told her the guy wasn’t welcome over there. I tried to tell my sister that it’s their house and their rules. She knew how they felt and I thought she was instigating by trying to take him over there.

So she and I had a pretty bad fight over it. She accused our whole family of not supporting her and being judgmental of her. I have tried not to judge. I think her and this guy are both wrong for what they did but I have kept that to myself and haven’t thrown it in her face.

We haven’t talked a lot for the last few months. When we do it’s almost formal and very awkward. I still take my nieces from time to time because I love them and want to see them. But she and I no longer have long talks like we used to.

I went through my own breakup recently and boy could I have ever used her shoulder to cry on. She used to confide in me when her marriage was going badly and we used to talk about everything. I miss my sister so badly at times.

I really want to talk to her again. I have so many things going on right now that I need a sister to talk them over with. I need to have her in my life and I hope she feels the same way about me. I’m hoping there’s some way we can work things out. At this point she’s with this other guy. I don’t particularly like it but I guess I have to deal with it.

I’m thinking of just calling her and asking if she wants to get my nieces and we can go to this place we used to go every year to buy pumpkins for Halloween. I would love to just be able to sit and talk to her for a while and let her know no matter what I’m still here for her. 
 

 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Latina_Metal_Chick said:

I’m thinking of just calling her and asking if she wants to get my nieces and we can go to this place we used to go every year to buy pumpkins for Halloween. I would love to just be able to sit and talk to her for a while and let her know no matter what I’m still here for her.

This is a good way to break the ice and see where things stand.

[Rose Mosse]

You'll have to make up your mind about whether you can accept her earlier decisions before reaching out to her. You're going through a break up so it's understandable you're wanting to reach out. Don't be surprised however if she turns you down or is resentful or passive aggressive towards you. 

You're hurting right now so rethink whether it's a good idea to reach out to someone whom you've had differences with in the past. If you cannot accept who she is, past and present, you are better off confiding in a close friend. Do not use your sister to offload your problems. Pick a better time when you are feeling more confident about yourself and feeling less low. 

[itsallgrand]

I agree with Rose. I think you stand a high risk of being disappointed and hurt looking to her for emotional support right now. You are in a vulnerable spot, and right now she's focused on being wrapped up in herself. 

It doesn't mean there isn't hope to reconnect, but it might take some time. If give her time to let her current situation play out, and for emotions to cool down. 

The pumpkin patch idea is a great one. I just wouldn't expect too much. Sometimes the best kind of support is simply being with someone. Just physically being present in the moment. No big talks, just enjoy the moment of the kids and all of you hunting for pumpkins! 

She loves you too, you know. Just remember that. 

 

[SooSad33]

Yes, is sad when things get rough 😕 

Sounds like you are both struggling with some personal issue's.  So, may be an awkward time to approach her with your idea of taking kids out.. for now.

Is there maybe someone else you can reach out to?  Any close friends?

In the end, the choice is yours to attempt this.  But, is possible you'll get a backlash. And as mentioned, things may just need more time to 'calm down' between you two.

Is sad how she is lashing out at you all.. because of her circumstances not being accepted.  Maybe in time, she will see clearer on why. ( right now it sounds like she is struggling with all she's been through and is quite 'needy'). I just know that if it were me, I'd know full well why no one would be too accepting of my 'choices'.

So, reach out if you want to.. see IF she agree's to this idea. If not, she will say so and you need to give it more time.

 

 

[Kwothe28]

Is the guy still married? He is, isnt he? Would be such a cliche but I feel he is lol

Anyway, I will tell you something that I learned with my friends that is applicable here: No matter how much you are right and they know it, if they are determined, you telling them differently wont change a thing. They will just go mad at you. So sometimes its better to let them hit their head to the wall but be there for them after. So if you reconnect, dont go hard on her, it will just drove her away further. Maybe listen more. Tell her you miss her and that you want to see her, think she will be glad to do it.

[Latina_Metal_Chick]

On 10/11/2021 at 3:02 PM, Kwothe28 said:

Is the guy still married? He is, isnt he? Would be such a cliche but I feel he is lol

Anyway, I will tell you something that I learned with my friends that is applicable here: No matter how much you are right and they know it, if they are determined, you telling them differently wont change a thing. They will just go mad at you. So sometimes its better to let them hit their head to the wall but be there for them after. So if you reconnect, dont go hard on her, it will just drove her away further. Maybe listen more. Tell her you miss her and that you want to see her, think she will be glad to do it.

Sorry it took me so long to respond. I’m not sure if the guy is still married. I really had no desire to talk about him after a certain point. It always lead to us arguing. I was so disappointed in my sister for her choices when it came to this guy. I know it sounds judgmental but she know our family growing up was destroyed by our dad cheating and she went and did the same thing.

So for now we’re going Saturday to the pumpkin patch. Just me, her and my nieces. I’m going to avoid talking about him if it can be helped. Wish me luck.

[lostandhurt]

When you are there Saturday focus on the positive.  Good memories from your childhoods, how your nieces remind you or her when she was young and stuff like that.  Those things bound you two together and will again.

  Take the  high road in all the discussions and see if she lets her guard down. Remember when you look down on her choice in men she takes it as you looking down on her.

This guy may be the turd in the punch bowl of your family but that doesn't mean you have to drink the punch, just acknowledge the turd and move away.

 Chances are this guy will not be around much longer anyways, cheaters like him like the thrill of messing around with a married woman but once the thrill is gone (she is divorced and available) he will grow tired of the demands. 

Good on you for reaching out and taking the first step, I am sure she misses her sister too.

Lost

[Cherylyn]

I too have dicey relationships with my sister and mother.  They're both super sensitive, jumpy, highly emotionally charged, masters at gaslighting and all hell breaks loose from there.  Believe me, it's not worth it.  It pays to be very careful with volatile, belligerent people. 

If you wish to avoid estrangement, you have to tread lightly regarding any interaction with your sister whether electronically or in person.  As difficult as this may be, cast your differences aside and don't insert your personal opinions, don't discuss personal lives nor her personal relationships.  It's awkward.  However, certain topics are taboo or so I've learned.  Don't go there otherwise you'll provoke, insight and escalate yet another unnecessary heated argument.  Guard your words wisely and carefully.  Think before you write or speak.  It's possible to have a peaceful rapport with your sister if you're shrewd and cautious.

 

[Rose Mosse]

37 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

As difficult as this may be, cast your differences aside and don't insert your personal opinions, don't discuss personal lives nor her personal relationships.  It's awkward.  

 

I agree. Consider that completely off limits. I would also listen if she needs to finish a sentence but change the topic if anything of that nature comes up.

I hope the meeting goes well.